Sister CAN'T be in love....yet she says she is! *sigh*

[dreaming4ever]

My little sister is 14 and I've been TRYING to explain to her that she can't be in love. She's been with her boyfriend for 2 weeks now and she CLAIMS she's SO in love with him and therefore wants to "make love" to him and everything like that. So, how do you tell a 14 year old that she can't possibly understand all the complexities of love at 14 without talking down to her like an adult?

 

You see, I want to be able to give her advice and stuff from a "I've-been-there" kind of perspective, NOT like parents who just scream. How do I tell her what love is and how can I get her to understand that she's not there yet??

[Darkangelism]

Not easilyteenagers dont listen to that, you are not going to stop her from having sex, just make sure she uses protection.

[dreaming4ever]

But isn't there any way I can do something else? Pretty much anyone that has sex at 14 realizes it's a mistake. I just don't want her to make that mistake. How Do I explain love in a way she knows what she has isn't it??

[Darkangelism]

You can try, yes sex at 14 is a mistake, tell her to think of the consequences.

[moimeme]

When I was 12, I was madly in love with a boy in my class. The feelings weren't all that different from the ones you have when you're a grownup except sometimes, but not always grownups wait to decide they're 'in love' until they've gotten to know each other well. However there are people on this board who have sworn they were in love at first meeting and come to ask what went wrong.

 

It's not until you've felt true love and passion that you understand what infatuation is missing.

 

In short, you'll never be able to convince her that she's not in love.

 

You can try a little science:

New brain scanning studies show infatuation and mature love are based in different parts of the brain.

http://quickstart.clari.net/qs_se/webnews/wed/cc/Uus-love.RheQ_DNC.html

 

or a comparison chart:

http://www.drirene.com/isitlove.htm

 

but I doubt it will take.

 

What you can do is to talk to her about pregnancy and STDs and also tell her that the chemicals that get triggered by sex can create strong bonding so that breaking up can be that much worse.

[Ici Ixi]

I think there isn't really a way anyone can PROVE to someone they're not in love... they have to find out themselves. The best way for that is having had ACTUAL love in the past, and since she's 14... I'm guessing that's out of the question. Maybe all you CAN do is sit back and watch... at least for the "in love" part. But for the "love making" part... that's INSANE! 14? hasn't she seen people on television or what ever get pregnant at that age or close to and how they screwed up the rest of their lives? or does she think that's all just television, not real life? The best way for someone to understand something like that is to have experienced someone close to them having to go through that... if that's not an option, that maybe all she needs is a real good scare. Maybe you could find a good video or anything like that you could show her about all the risks of sex. Like STD's, well inform her of the terror of that, and pregnancy... how painful it is to actually GIVE BIRTH and then how much it ruins your life having a child. Make sure she know's condom's aren't 100% effective... and even if it was... 14 is the age you learn about high school, and love the new thrills of it. You learn about relationships more and are able to hang out with friends. You might get a new part-time job and the thrills of that. It's NOT the age of experiencing sex and that stuff... those are for your later years, yea they sound great and all but there are a few reasons why sexual stuff aren't coming along yet (i believe) because 1: aren't ready to handle it, physically and emotionally. 2: what would be the fun in ruin all the surprises and new experiences for the later years?? 16, you get to start to learn to drive... in Australia in the outback you can do that by 11... it gets old after a bit! If you've experienced all the new stuff before you turn even 15 what's new and exciting for the rest of your life?? All of it is old news. But it isn't even that... does she really wanna risk HErpies or ANYTHING along that line? If you can't find a great thing to SHOW her... maybe a book, movie, magazine article, what ever... I don't know what to do. Hope I've helped, and if you ever want ME to talk to her just ask. Good Luck!

 

Ici Ixi

[dyermaker]

There's no way to explain it to her that won't cause resentment. I wouldn't want anyone explaining to me why I'm not in control of my own feelings, let alone someone in a position of authority.

[mintjulep]

You see, I want to be able to give her advice and stuff from a "I've-been-there" kind of perspective, NOT like parents who just scream. How do I tell her what love is and how can I get her to understand that she's not there yet??

You say this, but I don't believe for a second that that's what you mean. You can sugar coat it all you want, but you want to give her advice from a, "listen you brat, I'm smarter than you so you're going to pay attention to what's happened to me, because you can't possibly understand how the world works since you're so young" sort of way. Trust me, I've been there. My little sister is also 14 - and our age gap is possibly even larger than yours. She thinks she's in love with a 19-year-old...what am I supposed to do? Be there for her. I already talked her through it without insulting her feelings for him, and guess what? She backed off. When I was younger, I tried talking down to her, but it just pissed her off, and pushed her further away. I mean, imagine that you were 14 again, and you had some bossy b*tch in your face telling you what was right and wrong without listening to you. I've been there, too. 14 and madly in love. And if you'd tried to convince me I wasn't, I'd have stopped speaking to you.

 

So she thinks she's in love. So what? Who is it going to hurt? Now, if she thinks she wants to sleep with the guy because she loves him, then you need to be there for her, but do you honestly think she's going to come to you if you've upset her about this relationship already? Save the "I've been there" crap for when she's older. For now, you need to be there for her. She freaking knows you've "been there and done that" - and I assure you, she doesn't care and she doesn't want to hear it.