Being taken to the cleaners

[change]

My stbxw has entered an anger phase.

 

During the economic downturn, my income dropped substantially enough that she paid most of our bills for the last year. I worked four jobs, but it wasn't enough to balance out. At the time, she told me how proud she was of me. There was no discussion that this was an issue.

 

Fast-forward to her first experiences during the separation without me... she's realized that she makes a lot of money and wasn't able to spend it on herself. Now her therapist and she have decided, it appears, that I was content to use her during our marriage.

 

My stbxw wants me to continue paying half of the rent (which we set up during the trial separation) on our house while I continue to live elsewhere. She feels I owe it to her -- perhaps as back rent?

 

We're having a conversation about this next weekend. I don't know what to do. When the anger and resent leave the building, I know she will regret this because it's so utterly unlike her. I love her. I would give her the world.

 

I know I shouldn't give in on this. But if I "lawyer up," I feel like I'm giving in to the nasty place this is going, too.

 

After this preliminary conversation, she gave me a hug when I left our house to go back to my rented room. I asked why and she said she hugs her friends.

 

Has anyone else been in this place during a divorce? How do you deal with the incredible anger and what it drives some exW/exH to do? Is there any chance of a NC period and riding some of this anger out before actually moving through the divorce?

[PegNosePete]

If (in her words) you were content to use her, then she was content to be used. So you owe her nothing. She accepted the situation that one of you had higher income than the other and was happy with that (as many, many spouses do).

 

Dude. Lawyer up and get the divorce. Don't pay rent for a house you're not living in. Ignore the anger or anything else she says for that matter. Just file.

[Tiberius]

She might have feelings for you, but she does not see you as an asset or provider and therefore wants to cut you loose. Its the way women think. After all they are the one who have and raise children therefore they want a man who does their part, provide, although the reality of the circumstances leaves other options open, that might be better from a financial point of view, (he home, she working). Some women are ruled by ratio, others are more driven by their instincts. Your wife seems to be the latter and your romantic situation wont improve untill you can be the provider again.

 

If you dont feel like you should be paying your half of the rent, when she wants you out, dont do it.

[TheBadOne]

If there are children involved and she needs the help to live comfortably, I would say continue paying.

 

If she can manage without you and nobody else is getting hurt by it then I say NC period and stop paying.

 

She can't realize what she's missing if it's in her face constantly groveling.

 

Hang in there and take over the dominant attiude from her.

 

If anything you will feel and be able to function much better.

 

Good luck.

[starting2wakeup]

Get a lawyer right now! change, if you are reading this and you don't have a lawyer, turn off your computer, pick up the phone and call a lawyer.

 

if I "lawyer up," I feel like I'm giving in to the nasty place this is going, too.

 

I understand this thinking, but trust me, this is not the case. Getting a lawyer is THE best thing you can do right now. And the reason you are doing it is to protect yourself and to make sure you understand your rights and are not being taken advantage of. Don't sign anything without a lawyer reading it first.

 

After this preliminary conversation, she gave me a hug when I left our house to go back to my rented room. I asked why and she said she hugs her friends.

 

She is putting you in a friend zone. Is this where you want to be? Do you want to be her husband or her friend? Or either? This is your life change. You can't control what she does, you can only control yourself. Take control of life and get a lawyer so that you know that no matter what the future holds you are prepared and educated.

[change]

If there are children involved and she needs the help to live comfortably, I would say continue paying.

 

If she can manage without you and nobody else is getting hurt by it then I say NC period and stop paying.

 

She can't realize what she's missing if it's in her face constantly groveling.

 

Hang in there and take over the dominant attiude from her.

 

If anything you will feel and be able to function much better.

 

Good luck.

 

No children. She makes 3x what I do, so she can afford the rent and everything else on her own.

 

Once I find a place to live that I can take some of the furniture and belongs to... and a place where I can have our cat part time (who is very much our child)... I can go NC. I'm thinking it's the only way I will survive this period of anger and resentment.

[change]

do YOU think you owe it to her??

 

Back rent? No.

 

We made all of our financial decisions jointly up to the very end. Including a necessary surgery I had in February of this year that now I"m struggling to afford.

 

I worked as hard as I could to make money given my layoff. It's solely the resentment, the "nod along" therapist, and the fact that she has TONS of money to throw around for herself right now that are making her think these things.

 

Do I owe her in other ways? Absolutely. I was a terrible husband, at the end.

[TheBadOne]

Dude SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

 

Forget the furniture, forget the cat and forget her!

 

Get a lawyer ASAP and go no contact. Start right now. It's the only way she will begin to respect you.

 

It's your only chance to get her back (if you want her back) and regain your dignity.

 

If you don't have friends or family near you keep posting here.

 

Men usually get screwed in this type of situation. Make her pay you alimony and tell her your spending every dollar at the strip club.

[2sure]

You have to lawyer up. Might as well do it now as opposed to after she has put all of her own ducks in order against you. It doesnt have to be a big nasty fight, but you do need a lawyer.

 

Next, since you do not own property together, its going to be pretty cut and dry. She doesnt get to make up the rules based on what she wants.

You both rent. If there is a lease and you are both on it you are liable for that. You either have to continue living there until the lease is up OR get your name off of the lease by buying her out until its end. She doesnt get to decide what amount of money makes up her idea of restitution. If your name is on the lease, go back. If there is no lease...the rent, past or present is not your problem.