We are together again but...

[rebeccajones]

We are not officially Bf gf. I asked him if I am free to do what I want. He said he's trying to get things going in his life financially and with me.

 

I'm not feeling close enough to show my emotions. We don't say I love you. I find I'm afraid to make plans for "us". When I do he does come. I am happy we are spending time together and I was sad without him. I'd like things to feel more or I'd like more motional closeness.

 

I'm afraid to show my love and I think he is not showing his at all. He does make an effort to be together, to cook. But no I love you. Sometimes we meet and he does not take a moment to give me a kiss hello and that's is something I need.

 

I feel like I can't need or want I am going to get some professional advice soon. I need some help on what direction I should go. Seeif our love grows or start something new.

 

At times I do feel we have something good then other times I feel unsure.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Does it sound bad?

[rayne05us]

You want to ease into it, you both should want to be on the same page and not rush it. Make sure whatever was wrong to before has been addressed. Take your time. There's no hurry right?

[Analyser]

I am no expert, but it sounds to me like you are afraid to become vulnerable. You did not give any details on how the relationship ended in the first place, or what the issues are, but I think you need to find out what is causing you to resist being fully emotionally committed to the relationship. You use words like 'can't' and 'afraid', these indicate to me you holding back for some reason.

 

Firstly, in order to be loved, you must first become a loving person, capable of bringing your best characteristics to the relationship. Only a loving person can be loved the way they deserve to be loved.

 

Secondly, there might be lingering resentment or anger, from before the relationship ended, that needs to be addressed. Honest, communication with your partner is key.

 

I would suggest going for counseling together, where you will be given the tools to see the the issues in a way that you would not be able to see by yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Jdw_Icequeen]

Well I agree with the first post. I think its good to take things slow.

I may be wrong but I am going to take a stab and say you don't say I love you and won't get vulnerable because your scared of being hurt again.

 

Not that its a bad thing. I have seen your posts here but I honestly don't remember the story. I would suggest talking to him about things. He may feel unsure aswell and thats why he is taking things slow. I would suggest talking to him directly and tell him what you want and need and see if its possible to get it. Seeing a counselor or a therapist is a good idea to perhaps you guys could do it together?

 

I am glad you got your second chance, remember its not a bad thing to take things slow.

 

Good luck

[rebeccajones]

We got in a fight last Sep he wasn't working but had income had enough just enough I wanted him to work I thought we would marry in the next year. He had other plans. I got mad broke up with him tried to reconcile but he soon decided he didn't like me that I was mean with him. So no contact for 3 months. Then met at a planned event I wanted to get back what we had but he didn't. So again no contact for 4 months. We met again this time we remained friends then went on a date. But it's been me who wants to reconcile, me who wants him. So I'm tired and scared that I'm forcing it. He has in the past told me he doesn't have the same feelings. But now we've been dating a couple of months slowly getting closer. But he does not tell me anything about how he feels.

 

When we first met he first said I love you and we were Bf and gf we knew. I'm afraid because I don't want to be rejected again.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to punish me by withholding love and just being with me.

 

I do think there is resentment there must be but I have let him know how much I care and love him yet he does not reciprocate!

 

I'm venting.

 

Thank you all for your advice.

[brokenamy]

Take it slow- you left, so u cannot expect him to tell u I love u right away even if he does. He might resent you, that will heal in time. Be happy and cheerful around him, be patient and show him that he can trust and rely on you (when u broke up, u showed him the opposite) as the person who left, you really can't have expectations that things will go back to before right away. Instead, treat this as a new relationship. Get to know each other again and stop putting a wall up because it can be misinterpreted in many ways (untrustworthiness, coldness, etc...) good luck and be glad he is willing to work things out. IMO, no matter how bad the initial relationship was (except for abuse), when you leave and decide to come back, you gotta work hard.

[rebeccajones]

I appreciate the response we chatted today and I felt better and was more positive and things went good. I will refer back to this!

[rayne05us]

Keep us updated!! Remember it won't be the same as it was before, you have to build a new foundation, but it can be just as amazing, if not better!!! Good luck!!

[Leda]

I sooo relate to the feelings you are describing, not wanting to be hurt again and worrying that you are pushing it. I think the advice on this thread has been really good.

 

Remember that he might have similar concerns and misgivings, that he just expresses differently. You worry, "I don't want to get rejected again"...he may worry, "I'm not sure that this relationship will work, I don't want to fail."

 

Instead, treat this as a new relationship. Get to know each other again and stop putting a wall up because it can be misinterpreted in many ways

 

I like this a lot. Break the pattern of worrying about what he is or isn't thinking, be emotionally brave and honest, and try to really listen to him, get to know him, and see how you feel about him NOW. Being so guarded is making it hard to feel if your own feelings have changed, too....(And I don't mean changed in a bad way, necessarily...maybe if you treat this as a fresh relationship, you will see that your feelings are more secure than you thought. He might be different in real life than he became in your memories during the NC, too.)

 

It's a great time to experiment with ways to feel honest and safe in the relationship, and also to TRULY get to know him, start to accept who he really is and see if that person is a right match for the life and relationship you want.

[rebeccajones]

I'm getting really awesome advice here. I'm feeling pretty good and am going to keep the mindsets described here and let you all know how it goes!. Thankss!

[rebeccajones]

Today I talked to him through im. He mentioned he was going to meet some family his parents then possibly go to dinner later. He asked if I wanted to go but I had already planned on doing something after work but I could possibly go after. I told him. He then said he'd let me know later where they were going and I said ok let me know. I had alot to do so I really wasn't sure if I'd go anyway but if he wanted me to and called I'd probably make an effort. He did not call. I felt bad since we agreed to talk later and I thought he'd let me know. So I texted him late. He was home asked why he didn't call and that I felt bad since he said he'd let me know. He texted that it was not his intention. I called we talked and he said he was sorry he got caught up and thought I would know. He said sometimes he just doesnt think. So I accept it but it makes me wonder if he can give me what I need. He has alot of issues. He's just getting a career going since he's from another country and he's not making alot of money. I know a man I could date who is nice and has a great career and I'm like should I just let Him go? I don't know if he can give me the support, love etc. that I want. Am I being foolish? Is this normal behavior? I asked if it was fake it doesn't seem real sometimes. He just told me he does things without thinking and that he was sorry.

 

Sometimes this all seems too difficult. I want to see how he responds. I'm going to continue to let him know how i feel and if he can't or doesn't want to try then I assume he will realize he can't meet my needs or we both will.

 

Annoyed ATM.

[rayne05us]

Remember, you are building a new foundation with him. May I ask what you have in your life as an individual? As he has his career etc...you would need to grow as an individual as well. Be it taking classes, the gym, something you've always wanted to do, this is the time to do it!!

 

Also good communication is key. To me, good is communication means that you choose your words in such a way that you completely express what you're feeling and that the person understands you. In addition the other person needs to be able to listen and accept what you're saying and effectlively communicated back to you. From there, your work on a resolution together. For me, that's the healthiest way.

 

Maybe it will be a good idea to let him know your reservations...and just because you have some reservations, doesn't mean he's not the right person for you.

 

See if you are bothing willing to work at this 100%. That doesn't mean you jump in head first, but you both are willing to put the effort in wherever needed.

[rebeccajones]

Thanks Rayne for responding. I am so trying to take responsibility. Trying to be emotionally brave. I have a career, hobbies, friends, family as does he. I'm starting a language class this week, going on a weekend trip with friends. It's just that I don't know when to reach out or when to hold back. I always hear a man will go for what they want. A woman can't chase so I hold back from contacting him as much as I'd like to.

 

This morning I reached out and wished him a good morning and nice day. He said thanks and told me what he was about to do at work he had to go meet a client. I just don't know if I am making more of an effort but maybe it doesn't matter. He does contact me. Although yesterday I feel like he dissed me.

 

I want so much for us to be close, maybe I am co-dependent, he was more dependent on me before and now he is not. I'm so used to helping. Now he is independent. I am also going to talk to a relationship coach. I am trying everything.

 

I also know that I have my own deep issues of not feeling good enough and feeling bad about me at times. I am constantly working on learning and growing.

 

I guess I wish he would share more with me but I also don't share everything with him but I guess that is part of rebuilding.

 

It's hard understanding these feelings of loneliness, or insecurity and thinking others around me think I'm a fool for going through it. Like friends asking why isn't he with you sensing I am lonely or waiting. Although all of them have relationship issues.

Edited May 14, 2011 by rebeccajones

[sugarmomma]

Sometimes I wonder if he's trying to punish me by withholding love and just being with me.

 

 

If he is in fact doing this, you don't have a chance in hell of making things work with him. He's not into the relationship and its only gonna keep causing you to question yourself. I would take a chance on dating new people since he clearly isn't contributing and engaging emotionally which is critical to the success of any relationship.

[rebeccajones]

sugarmomma I certainly would hope not but my negative mind can imagine that. I do meet people for lunch and have guy friends so I know there may be a point I will go or things could work also.

[rayne05us]

Everyone has their own moments of insecurity and what not, but you have to see it for what it is? It something that YOU are doing to yourself. You can't get hurt by the things people say and do if you don't let it hurt you. Believe it or not, you are in control of that. I know it sounds weird, but your mind is such a complicated thing that it can make you crazy, and you can also make it believe anything you want it to. But that includes the positive things. So if you tell yourself you won't be affected by this and really mean it, then you will make it happenn for yourself.

 

This ties into accepting that you can't control anyone elses reactions but your own. I was reading somewhere that if the grandson calls his grandma and every time the kids hear "Why havent you called me in so long?!", do you think that's gonna make the kid want to call his grandma?? NO.

 

It could be something that you're not even aware of and he also could not be aware the way he's coming off. That's why it's so important to talk about these things with him. Open communication. BUt you both have to be willing to work at it. A relationship is something you invest work and time into....but it pays off if done correctly.

 

And remember, you can have standards, but not expectations. If you have expectations of how you want someone to react, you will always be dissapointed. This isn't meant to sound harsh, but people are meant to live up to other people's expectations, that's not being an individual.

 

Trust me, the more BOTH of you feel like yourself and like individuals, the better your relationship will be. Find out what both of you are looking for out of this relationship and if it jives, than take the it out of the pressure cooker and just enjoy each other and enjoy the relationship/connection you have with ths special person.

[rebeccajones]

Excellent advice and all you say is what I'm working on. I do still need to talk with him and see what he is looking for in the relationship and if he is willing to work on things. I know all I'm learning and am working on will benefit me in the future. Thanks!

[Graceful]

Maybe I am missing something, but in all you have said (and granted, there are mere short paragraphs of information here for what I am sure is a more complex set of emotions) but you don't indicate there is any true effort on his part to put the relationship on solid ground. Not only that, but you have said absolutely nothing, not one nice word about him. Not one real reason you want to be with him. Not one nice thing he has said or done for you or how much fun you have. Nothing.

 

So I don't understand why you are chasing after him. Break for 3 months, get back; break again, get back, and on and on. You're apart more than you're together.

 

Can you clearly articulate why you want this relationship so badly, or if it's now just a habit. He does not sound like LTR material, but if he is, then come back and explain why. Otherwise, if you can admit that you're just in a rut with this guy, then get out of the rut, end it, and on to better and more healthy choices. Relationships are called relationships when two people relate. You two do not relate. You don't connect, you don't respond well to each other, he does not express his feelings, you're walking on eggshells jockeying for position to get him to respond ... so what's the point?

 

He was home asked why he didn't call and that I felt bad since he said he'd let me know. He texted that it was not his intention. I called we talked and he said he was sorry he got caught up and thought I would know. He said sometimes he just doesnt think. So I accept it but it makes me wonder if he can give me what I need. He has alot of issues. He's just getting a career going since he's from another country and he's not making alot of money. I know a man I could date who is nice and has a great career and I'm like should I just let Him go? I don't know if he can give me the support, love etc. that I want. Am I being foolish? Is this normal behavior? I asked if it was fake it doesn't seem real sometimes. He just told me he does things without thinking and that he was sorry.

Cheesh, why do I read this and see a dead end and you don't? You wrote it, not me. So ... ??

 

This guy has issues up the wazoo, you're chasing him all over tarnation, he seems clueless as to what he wants, you seem to feel he can't give you what you need.

 

Looks like a road map to THE END. So before you go off the cliff entirely, just end it. Then you can turn yourself around, and get on track for a much more healthy relationship. Best of luck, and take care.

[rebeccajones]

The thing is we are starting over. With all my insecurities its hard for me to see his positives or express them. He is kind, I am in love with him, care for him, he loves plants, animals and can be thoughful, he is smart, alternative, interesting, loves traveling, adventurous. I share some of his interests. We once lived together, loved one another deeply. But yes I have tried so hard to get the love back. It's very hard to explain. He has been resistant yes. But then he has been consistent in calling me inviting me for dinner inviting me to parties etc.

 

I have been wondering when have we really had FUN. Last weekend we were together alot but I was not sure on how to act. We enjoyed each others company, we love watching movies together.

 

Its just that at times when I'm with him I don't think he is attentive enough or I don't know how to act or I think he is so selfish or not treating me like a girlfriend. For instance at a party.

 

I want the relationship only because I love him and thought we had and have a great connection but now it seems something is blocking it. The other problem was that I was dating and moving on and I kept meeting people who made me wonder why did I leave him or not see how great he was. He was LOYAL, honest.

 

Things have changed alot. I think if he does not want to work on the relationship I will move on.

[rebeccajones]

Since Friday I have not heard from my ex he is online but no word. Kind of funny imo. I have come to the realization that I am in love with who he was not who he is now. My happiness is not a priority for him.

 

I will not contact him but I'm just wondering when he will contact me and what he will say.

[rebeccajones]

I came back for an update. Once I stopped pursuing the "friends with benefits relationship" it pretty much ended. We are amicable and IM every once in a while. I can't completely cut him off since he is best friends with a close family member. So I have just had to and still have to grieve at times, the loss. I am moving on. I was hoping I would have a "get back together" success story. But no!

 

I hate that I did put myself through so much hurt I feel that I kept going back and getting nothing at all, no emotion, no desire but I couldn't believe it was gone, but it was, completely! The only thing that was there was sex, that's it. How can a relationship turn that way I don't know but I guess it's up to me to see reality. Which sometimes I don't.

 

Best wishes to all of you.

[wilsonx]

Sorry Rebecca =(

 

Thats what usually happens when you go back to your ex. You try to jump right back into the relationship but it does not work like that. You have to rebuild the relationship from the ground up into a whole new relationship. My ex actually hinted this to me the week after we broke up but I was tired, broken and didn't feel like starting over especially after what she put me through and she dumped me. Plus she is now seeing the guy she broke up with me for which I dont really care about anymore. She downgraded, Im going to upgrade in the next one, its fine with me.

 

Just a side note, one of the reasons my girlfriend used to break up with me was because I was a good boyfriend, not a great one. To this day I laugh at that comment

[kingofhearts]

Just a side note, one of the reasons my girlfriend used to break up with me was because I was a good boyfriend, not a great one. To this day I laugh at that comment

 

WTF?......... Women......

[iceweasel6]

We don't say I love you. I find I'm afraid to make plans for "us". I'd like things to feel more or I'd like more motional closeness.

 

I'm afraid to show my love and I think he is not showing his at all. He does make an effort to be together, to cook. But no I love you. Sometimes we meet and he does not take a moment to give me a kiss hello and that's is something I need.

 

You don't need professional advice, you have an anxious attachment style - your need for closeness needs to be validated by more closeness.

 

You are your own professional advisor - sit him down and tell him how you feel. Your ability to say I love you is not dependent on his ability to say I love you. Tell him how you'd like to make plans, but your afraid - and tell him why.

Tell him you need kisses in the morning when you say hello.

 

He is not a mind reader, and should never be placed in a position to read minds.

Unless you make your needs known, they will never, ever be met. Not by him or anyone else on this planet.

Speak up, and say what you need.