An International Trip Just "As Friends"??

[UmbrellaBoy]

So:

 

X is in love with Y. They met online a year ago through a shared-hobby forum and, as they started to become quick friends through their shared interests and values and hours-long online conversations, X fell for Y.

 

Y wasn't as sure, but they nevertheless talked constantly and Y invited X to visit Y for a week in Canada even after only three months of talking (X is from the US). "As friends." But on the trip they were affectionate, up to the point of Y initiating shirtless cuddling with X.

 

But Y says after the trip that Y is not ready for a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons including the distance and the fact that it's only been three months and Y is going through a move and some other transitions in Y's life. So Y breaks X's heart.

 

X is really hurt, but handles it well on the outside and they remain friends, in fact in emboldens X to "not give up" and "fight for" Y, to "win" Y. Y doesn't seem opposed to this, and at least enjoys the attention and flattery, and they develop an interesting little dynamic clearly energized by X's (at least) romantic feelings.

 

A few months later, Y starts dating Z, an old friend. It's not a great relationship. Things are "difficult," Y considers Z a sort of "compromise" relationship between various desires and influences in Y's life at this point, Y considers Z "weak" and "clingy" and, well, rather desperate. But loves Z at least as a friend.

 

Y told X from the start that X was not "out of the running," that Y was just exploring things with Z, basically implying that Z had "first dibs" because Z knew Y longer and had been "waiting" longer.

 

X isn't phased and, though now more discreet, continues implicit declarations of affection to the point of sending elaborate gifts about once a month. Y does not tell X to stop, in fact seems to very much enjoy it all, but does say that Y is keeping the gifts secret from Z for fear of "awkwardness."

 

While X was once quite intimidated by Y, Y went through a depression this winter where X became sort of a rock to Y and, in doing so, X gained something of the "upper hand" in the friendship at least.

 

So, that's where we leave off. Here's the "new" situation:

 

Y is still with Z, but has now invited X to make a second trip to Canada (12 hours of travel and hundreds of dollars for X) to come stay with Y for a 4-day weekend, though all officially just "as friends" of course. Y has been pushing this for some time, is completely the initiator of it, and is very "excited" to see X again.

 

What is X to think? Already X feels like there is sort of an "emotional affair" with Y. But what's the deal with this trip?

 

Could anyone already in a relationship invite someone they know loves them on an international trip...and really be so naive as to think it can all be taken just "as friends"? Surely Y understand there are implications? What do you think is going on here? What should X expect? How should X act on the trip?

[VicJay79]

Umbrella,

 

Use better variables (Y & X & Z). I can understand your confusion, you are the guy that is giving everything and Z seems to be the one getting the relationship. Here are things that concern me!

 

1. She says she is NOT ready for a relationshp with YOU

2. She enters into a relationship with Z.

3. She says your in the 'running' for a relationshp.

4. She still says with Z

5. She loves the attention from Y.

6. She isn't happy with Z, but remains (Z is local)

 

 

If you go visit Y, you will probably continue doing what you did in the last visit. However, I don't know if will lead to a relationship. She doesn't seem to want a LD relationship....

 

 

 

So:

 

X is in love with Y. They met online a year ago through a shared-hobby forum and, as they started to become quick friends through their shared interests and values and hours-long online conversations, X fell for Y.

 

Y wasn't as sure, but they nevertheless talked constantly and Y invited X to visit Y for a week in Canada even after only three months of talking (X is from the US). "As friends." But on the trip they were affectionate, up to the point of Y initiating shirtless cuddling with X.

 

But Y says after the trip that Y is not ready for a romantic relationship for a variety of reasons including the distance and the fact that it's only been three months and Y is going through a move and some other transitions in Y's life. So Y breaks X's heart.

 

X is really hurt, but handles it well on the outside and they remain friends, in fact in emboldens X to "not give up" and "fight for" Y, to "win" Y. Y doesn't seem opposed to this, and at least enjoys the attention and flattery, and they develop an interesting little dynamic clearly energized by X's (at least) romantic feelings.

 

A few months later, Y starts dating Z, an old friend. It's not a great relationship. Things are "difficult," Y considers Z a sort of "compromise" relationship between various desires and influences in Y's life at this point, Y considers Z "weak" and "clingy" and, well, rather desperate. But loves Z at least as a friend.

 

Y told X from the start that X was not "out of the running," that Y was just exploring things with Z, basically implying that Z had "first dibs" because Z knew Y longer and had been "waiting" longer.

 

X isn't phased and, though now more discreet, continues implicit declarations of affection to the point of sending elaborate gifts about once a month. Y does not tell X to stop, in fact seems to very much enjoy it all, but does say that Y is keeping the gifts secret from Z for fear of "awkwardness."

 

While X was once quite intimidated by Y, Y went through a depression this winter where X became sort of a rock to Y and, in doing so, X gained something of the "upper hand" in the friendship at least.

 

So, that's where we leave off. Here's the "new" situation:

 

Y is still with Z, but has now invited X to make a second trip to Canada (12 hours of travel and hundreds of dollars for X) to come stay with Y for a 4-day weekend, though all officially just "as friends" of course. Y has been pushing this for some time, is completely the initiator of it, and is very "excited" to see X again.

 

What is X to think? Already X feels like there is sort of an "emotional affair" with Y. But what's the deal with this trip?

 

Could anyone already in a relationship invite someone they know loves them on an international trip...and really be so naive as to think it can all be taken just "as friends"? Surely Y understand there are implications? What do you think is going on here? What should X expect? How should X act on the trip?

[2sunny]

X is allowing Y to use the friendship as a cover... X is in a position to be hurt, manipulated and tossed aside.

 

no great reason could come of X continuing in this secondary role for Y.

 

X needs counseling to see what reasons are behind wasting such time and energy on Y - who doesn't make X the priority... yet stays involved.

[VicJay79]

2Sunny,

 

I agree with you. X is sort of being used for his ability to give attention and make Y (girl) feel good. Y seems capable and ready to BE in a relationship just not with X, but instead has chosen a closer mate Z. X may get hurt again as Y doesn't seem interested in him in that 'specific' way. Instead of Y telling X this, Y leads X on.....

 

X doesn't need counseling. X just needs a reality check or a second opinion :-). X has made the same mistake as me... it happens to the BEST of us.

 

X is allowing Y to use the friendship as a cover... X is in a position to be hurt, manipulated and tossed aside.

 

no great reason could come of X continuing in this secondary role for Y.

 

X needs counseling to see what reasons are behind wasting such time and energy on Y - who doesn't make X the priority... yet stays involved.

[Odyssey]

x don't play second fiddle... best to put time and energy in finding someone new instead.

Anyway, if Z is so bad for her, why is she still with the dude? Think about it.

[Eddie Edirol]

hey Umbrella, your girl Y is using you for temporary self esteem and nothing more. She talks to you because she knows you are in love with her, and it gives her an ego boost for about 5 minutes after you talk to her, and then she she crashes again when she realizes she is in a predicament where she isnt getting what she wants, and wont do what it takes to get what she wants. Then she looks for you again.

 

She planned on using you like this from the beginning, thats why you were shirtless cuddling and nothing else. She has no attraction to you whatsoever, physical or emotional. Maybe she doesnt have enough friends, and thats why she keeps going back to you. She is not your friend, she is a lil lonely manipulative bitch, and you are letting her do it. BTW unless she was getting nude for you on cam and telling you what she would do with you sexually (before you went up there) you shouldnt havegone up there, you should have made her come to you. You lost her respect as soon as you agreed to go up there and didnt see that she wasnt interested in you.

 

 

She is NOT attracted to you and told you so. Probably because you were not a challenge, and miss Y will NEVER be into you when she knows she hasnt earned your affection. So dont go to canada. You will never get what you want from this, in this lifetime. Thats the way it works.

 

When she says "out of the running" she means that when she has totally disregarded her standards, then she will consider dating you for real. Note I said Consider, you can still screw it up at that point.

 

Chew on this for a min...since she is a manipulative one.... when she told you "Things are "difficult," Y considers Z a sort of "compromise" relationship between various desires and influences in Y's life at this point, Y considers Z "weak" and "clingy" and, well, rather desperate. But loves Z at least as a friend."

 

You would think she is saying that the guy shes dating is the clingy one, but to me, it sounds like she is trying to make herself sound desirable. I think she is the clingy one - She flipped the story, this is what I think it really is. "Things are "difficult," Z considers Y a sort of "compromise" relationship between various desires and influences in Z's life at this point, Z considers Y "weak" and "clingy" and, well, rather desperate. But loves Y at least as a friend."

 

So she is not getting what she wants from Z, Z doesnt care about her, which is the same situation that youre in with Y. So that makes you her emotional tampon. She is chasing him, while youre chasing her. So while she is falling t\for that guy, she will never see anything in you until she changes her mind.

 

Theres plenty of women locally, stop looking for them online, you dont ever EVER want to do a Long distance relationship, especially not with this woman.

[spiderowl]

X seems to be a friend to Y, yet Y is encouraging X to believe that he may be in the running for a relationship. I doubt this is the case. If he were, Y would be with him and not with Z. Y is not exactly happy with Z but is still with him. X ought to realise that if Y was interested in a relationship with X, she would go ahead with it not fluff like this and get involved with someone else. Y is not motivated to be anything other than friends with X. In X's situation, less contact might make a difference. It is easy for Y to take X for granted and less contact might make Y think about what Y is missing.

 

But, I caution X to think carefully about a Y who has encouraged X to think X is still in the running. That seems calculated to keep X hanging on rather than moving on yet without any improvement in the situation.

 

If I were X, I'd drop out of this visit and focus my energies on a different person to Y.

[UmbrellaBoy]

Well, the trip did happen. Went expecting nothing, had a great time just as friends with some friends...except there were some weird things.

 

Like, for example, Y had the love-note from Z asking to start dating on Y's fridge...but then also had a love-note from me (X) right next to it. They've both apparently been up since October for both of us to see like that when we visit! What an odd message is being sent there!

 

Then, there was only one bed, so we shared it just "as friends." Then, Y took me to several "special" places shared with Z and basically recreated the romantic situations spent there with Z...except with me.

 

And finally, then, the last morning in bed...Y did initiate cuddling for like three hours, even though I made NO move or anything like that.

 

Seriously, how do I proceed???

 

I will add that the relationship stuff is not all that's going on in Y's life. Y is not (just) fickle, but is struggling with some deep religious questions too. Answering one way would incline Y to choose me, answering the other would incline Y to choose Z, so I don't know how that affects things.