Nothing is ever her fault, how come?

[dng]

Just musing here, and venting I suppose.

 

I had this girlfriend for almost 9 years, she just up and left one morning while I was gone on a track weekend. I think also had a good weekend of her own but I'll never find out for sure because I mean my NC.

 

She strung me along hardcore for months. It was never a breakup, just a break. She tooks things from me saying "Why buy everything in double?".

 

She borrowed money, needed it to come see me, help with the bills, I owed her that much, she said, and its only a break, right? But wouldn't show up.

 

50x she was coming back for sure, made the worst mistake ever.

 

50x she changed her mind at the last minute and wouldnt show up, no reason given.

 

After >6 months of this I got really angry and told her to go die somewhere, drown or whatever else she could imagine.

 

I wanted to believe her because she was the one person closest to my heart. I wanted to believe her because you have to set the line somewhere, and my line was her.

 

That began last year, in june. The breakup sucked but I accepted it and I was ready to let go. The intense stringing along really damaged me.

 

I realize now that its for the best as she always had been gaslighting me and had never been reliable, really.

 

I stayed with her because I was always hoping she would change, she would always tell me she would change and you know what? The only blame I'll take is that I choose the wrong person.

 

What really ticks me off is that she still emails me here and there. Its always the same, something like "I would really love to talk to you, please give me a call at xxx. I have some important things to tell you. Thank you."

 

Sometimes I just delete it, sometimes I stare at it for hours. I'm such an hopeless romantic.

 

Whenever I reply, its always the same, I write "Leave me alone, go jump in a lake, I dont owe you anything."

 

Her reply to this is always the same, its "I don't understand why you are so mean, everything was going alright, I did nothing to deserve this and you will regret it one day."

 

She's right about the regretting part, I already regret trying so hard, but that's beside the point.

 

Am I insane or what? What the hell is she talking about?

Edited May 12, 2011 by dng

[silvermane187]

It seems she's just bat**** insane and her craziness is rubbing off on you. Block her email and whatever else she uses to contact you. Don't let her mess with your head like that.

[dng]

I've had breakups before. It sucks, you suffer, you have some regrets, some resolve.

 

Mostly, you STFU and you carry on, wait it out like waiting out a bad storm. Eventually you come to your senses, you're able to rationalize the loss, you take it as a lesson and you move on.

 

I've never had a case like this, nor anyone around me. It's been almost a year now. For the first six months she was driving me nuts, now she has simmered down but she keeps on trying to make contact.

 

Each time I can't help but wonder what she wants, after a while I realized it was always about her and she couldn't care less about the impact of what she had to say. Its like she throws a grenade in a mass grave and doesnt even turn around to see the corpses exploding and the body parts fly around.

 

That's why now I refuse all contacts but I cannot understand what this is all about.

 

Even my friends here are tired of hearing about her. No one believes a beautiful, small and frail looking girl did so much damage and some of them think its in my head.

 

Anyone had anything similar? Anything to make me feel better I would take.

[poorguy]

I've had breakups before. It sucks, you suffer, you have some regrets, some resolve.

 

Mostly, you STFU and you carry on, wait it out like waiting out a bad storm. Eventually you come to your senses, you're able to rationalize the loss, you take it as a lesson and you move on.

 

I've never had a case like this, nor anyone around me. It's been almost a year now. For the first six months she was driving me nuts, now she has simmered down but she keeps on trying to make contact.

 

Each time I can't help but wonder what she wants, after a while I realized it was always about her and she couldn't care less about the impact of what she had to say. Its like she throws a grenade in a mass grave and doesnt even turn around to see the corpses exploding and the body parts fly around.

 

That's why now I refuse all contacts but I cannot understand what this is all about.

 

Even my friends here are tired of hearing about her. No one believes a beautiful, small and frail looking girl did so much damage and some of them think its in my head.

 

Anyone had anything similar? Anything to make me feel better I would take.

 

Dude im sorry. This probably wont help but, I got a little pissed just reading this. She is a selfish attention whore!!!!! Straight up!!!! Im not even coming from a bitter place when I say that. She straight up sucks!!!

 

I understand though how you feel, which is why you started the thread...its more about how your feeling than maybe your relationship with her???? I too have a side to me...way deep nowadays that is hopelessly romantic....but she to string you along like that and continue to randomly send half hearted emails or whay not just says it all.....F her....dude she does'nt deserve to stand even in your shadow....its all a game and its all the same, all the same

[dng]

She is so gifted at her game that she can make me feel guilty that she dumped me.

 

I'm so fed up of thinking about this all the time.

[rootless]

I had an ex like that when I was in my 20's (about 15 years ago).

Didn't want to be with me, couldn't leave me alone, either.

It was absolute TORTURE.

 

For whatever it's worth, I have nothing but empathy and compassion for you.

It's an utterly craptastic situation-- just decimating.

 

I'm not saying we're identical, but I can pass along what I learned.

 

As long as you feed into it, it's not going to stop.

Obviously, you're dealing with a person with very little appreciation for boundaries, a serious lack of compassion, and not nearly enough respect for you.

 

But at some point, it's not her fault anymore.

It's YOURS.

 

Hear me out:

She's proven to you, repeatedly, that your concerns don't register with her.

She's shown you, numerous times, that she doesn't care if she hurts you.

She has evidenced, over and over, that she's not a stable, healthy human being.

 

She is telling you, through her actions, EVERYTHING you need to know.

 

I don't care if she's the hottest, smartest, most astonishing person you've ever met--

you DO NOT DESERVE that kind of manipulation and heartache.

 

But that's all you're going to get from her.

That's who she is.

She's reinforced that, time and time again.

 

She's trying, desperately, to tell you that SHE'S A NUTBAG!

LISTEN to her!

 

You need to cut her out of your life. Completely.

She's trying to keep you in stasis. She's trying to ensure that you're stagnated, and immobile, and locked into thinking about her.

 

I'm not into running people down, or trash-talking exes, but this woman's personality type is just plain SCARY, dude. And it will not end. Not until you remove yourself from the situation, or she faces some gigantic, earth-shaking quantum change in her life that makes her realize how summarily thoughtless and cruel her behavior is.

 

This is a reckless person you're dealing with, dng.

 

You need to ditch her.

Because she won't change, not without some monumental, absurd, life-changing event.

 

And it's not your job to provide that for her.

 

Like I said, she's made it clear that she will keep doing this.

She has no reservations about throwing you into the wood-chipper.

 

The only question you have to ask yourself, is:

Do I want to keep hurting?

 

If the answer is "no", RUN!

And never look back.

 

She doesn't deserve your loyalty.

She doesn't deserve your attention.

 

Find someone who does-- starting with yourself.

 

You won't regret it, I promise you.

[dng]

You won't regret it, I promise you.

 

Thank you for that.

 

I blocked her everywhere a few weeks after the "break" began, when I started realizing something didnt add up, I'm sure I dont need to say anything and you can all guess. She got really angry when she realized it and emailed me to scold me about it, she couldnt believe I was doing that.

 

However, I had never blocked her on email. I'm still concerned for her and her well being, I must be crazy. I'm often thinking "What is gonna happen to you?" when I think of her.

 

I just added a filter on my inbox, I wont be hearing from her again, she now has no way of contacting me.

[rootless]

I'm normally not that aggressive about stuff -- and not an endorser of "no contact" for every situation. Not by a long shot.

 

But I had an ex that sounds very similar to yours, and I was genuinely worried for you.

 

I used to play in a band, and this particular ex was so subversive and mean that she would drive an hour out of her way just to show up at our gigs -- invariably high, or drunk. She wouldn't talk to me on the phone, or spend time with me, but she was more than happy to disrupt my life when she knew I had no opportunity to respond.

She'd park herself on the dancefloor right in front of me, and basically flaunt the fact that she was right there, but I couldn't talk to her, or touch her.

 

Pretty cold-blooded stuff.

 

Anyway -- that type of crap wasn't uncommon for her.

And it just tore me up.

So, so hurtful and damaging.

It took me a couple years to get past it.

 

I just don't want to see you end up the same position.

 

It hurts like a mofo, and I know it's incredibly difficult to let go -- even in light of her callousness -- but you're ultimately SO much better off.

 

I know that sounds lazy and cliche as hell, but it's the truth.

 

You don't want this kind of person in your life.

You owe it to yourself to get free of her.

[dng]

Man, thank you for the support. I really need it. No one around me understands how crushed I am. 2 girlfriends even staged an intervention to try to shake me up and told me a normal person would be over it by now.

 

She did stuff like send long apologies, begging for a second chance. I would get her on the phone and I would ask questions, what is going on... Then she'd say "I dont know why I wrote this, when I talk to you I realize its not what I want".

 

I tried to find out what was going on with the guy and she hurt me by protecting him and doing everything she could to make sure I would never find out.

 

I let that go on for months really. I feel absolutely undatable at the moment. People tell me I'm a 8.5/9 and still I feel like a zero all the time. I'm stylish and always tiptop, I have a career, solid income, my every material need is met, I should be happy? Yet every morning I feel like driving past work and never seeing anyone in this life again.

[rootless]

Believe me when I tell you I know how that feels.

It's horrid. I went through the same thing-- I internalized everything, blamed myself for being stupid enough to love a person who could treat me that way, on and on...

 

But here's the deal-- that thing that makes you feel like a zero? It's in large part a direct result of that woman's influence on you. If you keep associating with someone who constantly invalidates you, and responds wildly and unpredictably to even the kindest of gestures, it's bound to wear on you.

 

You feel like a zero, because you keep subjecting yourself to some idiot who treats you like one.

 

STOP!

 

It probably won't happen immediately, but I think you're going to be SHOCKED at how quickly you regain perspective, and how noticably your sense of worth will come back once you get away from this lunatic.

 

Take your hand out of the fire, buddy.

 

You can do it!

[dng]

Thank you buddy, thank you so very much.

[rootless]

No worries whatsoever! It's a friggin' difficult thing you're going through. We all need a little help every now and then.

[dng]

She hasnt paid me the money she owes me back, either. Not millions, but still a few thousands. I dont think she ever will.

 

She's shown a few months earlier she was even willing to use this as a way of baiting me to call her.

 

Its hard to admit but she's morally bankrupt. I wouldnt dream of owing anyone anything, especially not AFTER a breakup. I would even borrow my way out of it, but I have to accept those are MY standards and not hers.

[rootless]

That's a TOUGH thing to realize and move past.

 

It's difficult not to project your own decency and morality onto other people.

 

Being that YOU ARE a decent, moral, considerate person, it's perfectly natural for you to assume that every one else is too.

 

And maybe this woman was too at one time.

But she's not now.

 

That's what makes it so hard -- you're trying to reconcile the reality of her present actions with the idealized version you have of her in your head.

 

Sometimes, the ugly truth is that you've been crediting your partner with attributes they simply don't have; gifting them with all kinds of wonderful abilities and depth that just aren't there.

 

You loved her. Of course you want to think the best of her.

That's totally normal.

 

But you've got to separate what you remember of her, and what she's DOING NOW.

Current action always overrides memory. ALWAYS.

 

She's showing you who she is *now*, in this moment, and that person SUCKS.

 

It's awful, but you have to grieve it like a death.

That person you loved is gone.

And it doesn't diminish ANYTHING about you if you let her go.

 

You're not losing one single part of your own humanity if you walk away.

You're really not.

 

You're just giving yourself time to heal, and an opportunity to find happiness somewhere else.

 

Always bear in mind that your standards, your morality, your values, your GOODNESS are YOURS.

 

That stuff is portable.

Follows you wherever you go.

 

How awesome is that?

[dng]

Always bear in mind that your standards, your morality, your values, your GOODNESS are YOURS.

 

That stuff is portable.

Follows you wherever you go.

 

How awesome is that?

 

This thead illustrates how much LS has helped me. It took me a long time but I'm really seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I keep coming back to this thread to re-read it and re-validate myself.

 

Thank you rootless, thank you LS for the great support you've given me.

[giuliano-3]

Wish I'd come across this thread a month ago, would have done me some good. I could swear that the ex who would show up at rootless' gigs is the one and very same ex I've been dealing with. In any sense, its very similar to my situation and its good to read all this after I have come to be in a better place myself.

 

Being strung along for a long time sucks, but once you cut that string it is quite possibly one of the best feelings imaginable. A new day, a new way.

[Sugarkane]

Dumpers are experts at this. My ex was also the same, blamed everything on me and absolutely nothing was my fault. Apparently he was the victim, even though he dumped me completely out of the blue with no answers, by text. Verbally abused me and then poisoned everyone against me.

[Aqua066]

Just wanted to say awesome posts Rootless...Especially the first one. Really hit me and my situation very well. You're 100 percent correct!