He's just like me and I'm happy no matter how it turns out !!

[vweb1218]

Hi everyone, First off I hope people get to understand me and I have better luck in here than the other couple of forums I have tried:p

 

Here is my story: I will try to make it short and sweet. Met my MM in college, both of us a little older than the average student. I knew him for about two years always thought he was cute, but really was in another world and relationship.

 

Fall semester 2010/11 we became friends and what I like to call semester bud's. Last day of last semester we studied alone together and this is when it was obvious that we were totally attracted to each other.. At this time he had only been married 2 months, and it was also obvious on observation that he wasn't quite the same as before he got married you could tell by his demenor in class.. ..

 

From that day on we stayed in constant contact mostly via technology. We just keep getting closer and closer and have realized that we are scarily similar. We usually chat over 20 hours a week. Our relationship is just emotionally with the exception of cybersex, hahaha.. We haven't meet up due to a lot of things. One scared, I think on both our parts. We are both extremely sexual and if we take it there honestly doubt we can stop it. But also he was working two full time jobs/then I was having a hard time in school so cancelled all fun for about a month. Then he got in trouble with the wife and was well (grounded).. Then our schedules didn't match up and then I was on vacation and blah blah blah..

 

So this whole thing has been going on 4-5 months hard to say when it became unappropriate exactly. Recently he has been expressing more and more unhappiness in the marriage and I never know what to say so usually change the subject.

 

I am not upset about your relationship, but of course want him to myself. I am very happy I meet someone SO CRAZY similar to me. Should I surprise him at his job and go visit him ??? I miss him in person and honestly right now just want a hug.

 

Also he is kinda in a self destructive mode of over drinking and I know he was not doing this prior. It's obvious he's not happy.. poor man And Yes, I love my MM very much and am happy to ride it out to see what happens !

Edited May 12, 2011 by vweb1218

[BB07]

I think you SHOULD go surprise him at work. He will either be thrilled and happy or be angry.........if he is angry then that will give you a idea of just where you stand with him, well unless he tries to bs his way out of it.

[Mimolicious]

If he's so "unhappy" then it's simple. Either he can separate or get a divorce. Why is it that people think that they can fix other's problems or bring happiness to someone that doesn't even get it for themselves? It's his problem to fix his issue. You getting involve will just make you get into not-so-needed drama. Unless you are up for some.

 

BTW, how is this a "relationship" again?

 

That term is used so losely nowadays.

[jwi71]

So why doesn't he get D?

After all, working two FT jobs doesn't give him much time at home with his W anyways...(or anything else for that matter).

 

Just be acutely aware he is showing YOU how HE treats people.

[vweb1218]

BB07: I am sure he would be happy Just nervous. I have tried to push his buttons before. I think I would have to stab him in the head for him to be mad at me, and still think he might say it was his fault.. I think I will go visit soon !!

 

jwi71: Yes, I know it is his decision and I it is not my job to make him happy. It would be simple if he just left. Too bad he has a 101 deep seated christian morals that makes him feel guilty about all of things. And happy or not the only person who is getting miss treated is himself.

 

Mimolicious: How is this a relationship ? are you serious.. We were friends before the attraction was noticed. Always relied on each other for school stuff, sat next to each other ever day and still texted all through class. It is a "relationship" because we both share tons and tons of stuff with each other, even a lot of stuff W doesn't know about him. I know his good side and his bad side. I know his dreams and fantasies likes and dislikes. I know if something happen to me he would come running. It's a relationship because he cares about me, my son, my friends, my wellbeing and my overall happiness. It's a relationship because we BOTH alway talk about how much fun we did have when we did hang out (too much ..thats why it is so dangerous to hang out) and how Crazy similar we are. I could go on and on !!

[carrie999]

BB07: I am sure he would be happy Just nervous. I have tried to push his buttons before. I think I would have to stab him in the head for him to be mad at me, and still think he might say it was his fault.. I think I will go visit soon !!

 

jwi71: Yes, I know it is his decision and I it is not my job to make him happy. It would be simple if he just left. Too bad he has a 101 deep seated christian morals that makes him feel guilty about all of things. And happy or not the only person who is getting miss treated is himself.

 

Mimolicious: How is this a relationship ? are you serious.. We were friends before the attraction was noticed. Always relied on each other for school stuff, sat next to each other ever day and still texted all through class. It is a "relationship" because we both share tons and tons of stuff with each other, even a lot of stuff W doesn't know about him. I know his good side and his bad side. I know his dreams and fantasies likes and dislikes. I know if something happen to me he would come running. It's a relationship because he cares about me, my son, my friends, my wellbeing and my overall happiness. It's a relationship because we BOTH alway talk about how much fun we did have when we did hang out (too much ..thats why it is so dangerous to hang out) and how Crazy similar we are. I could go on and on !!

 

So let me get this straight. He's been married for less than a year, he's working two full-time jobs and going to school, and you spend 20 hours a week on chat together? Sounds like a great guy. Seriously, you're going to get into a relationship with someone who clearly spends no time working on his marriage and decided to pursue you two months into it? And he's not leaving because of his "Christian" views (ummm...okay...he started breaking his "Christian" vows as a newlywed)??? Oh...and the clincher. He's "over drinking" because he's unhappy and feels stuck. Yikes.

 

Seriously, why would you want to get involved with someone who emotionally jumped into bed with you before he started paying off the wedding bills? I'm really sorry to be both sarcastic and frank about this, but this guy is a disaster, and regardless of whatever connection you feel with him, you're simply an escape from the mistake he made by getting married. Even if you would have been perfect for eachother in any other scenario, he's proving to you right now that he's a complete jerk and has no concept of what commitment means.

 

Go ahead, let him string you along while you prove to him how much you love and want him. He'll either string you along and keep you on the side, string you along until you prove that you love him and keep you as a back-up plan, or actually leave her for you. Even if he leaves her for you, what has he done (not said) to instill any sense of trust in his character?

 

I'm sorry to be sarcastic or come across as harsh, but you really seem to be deluding yourself into thinking this man would be a good partner. And it's one thing to risk your heart with someone like this, but you have a son? What example are you setting for him? By the way, I'm not a BS and never have been. I'm on this forum as an OW, so I'm not saying this because I'm on a moral high ground, or because I resent what you're doing due to my own experience. I'm just expressing that it seems obvious that this whole thing is a very, very bad idea. Think about it very carefully. All the previous posters made excellent points. Listen to them.

[Anna101]

What issues did you have in other forums? Do you want advice or just to share?

 

It's only a "relationship" when you have an established relationship and commitment, consider yourself dating, and see each other regularly!...this seems more like a friendship that is halfway between an affair and a flirtation.

 

 

 

BB07: I am sure he would be happy Just nervous. I have tried to push his buttons before. I think I would have to stab him in the head for him to be mad at me, and still think he might say it was his fault.. I think I will go visit soon !!

 

jwi71: Yes, I know it is his decision and I it is not my job to make him happy. It would be simple if he just left. Too bad he has a 101 deep seated christian morals that makes him feel guilty about all of things. And happy or not the only person who is getting miss treated is himself.

 

Mimolicious: How is this a relationship ? are you serious.. We were friends before the attraction was noticed. Always relied on each other for school stuff, sat next to each other ever day and still texted all through class. It is a "relationship" because we both share tons and tons of stuff with each other, even a lot of stuff W doesn't know about him. I know his good side and his bad side. I know his dreams and fantasies likes and dislikes. I know if something happen to me he would come running. It's a relationship because he cares about me, my son, my friends, my wellbeing and my overall happiness. It's a relationship because we BOTH alway talk about how much fun we did have when we did hang out (too much ..thats why it is so dangerous to hang out) and how Crazy similar we are. I could go on and on !!

[vweb1218]

Your so wrong !! He is the sweetest guy ever. And we have Never slept together... People make mistakes !! He is not perfect, and either am I ..If you insult him you have insulted me.. Trust me we are Just alike !! He is not a disaster or a bad guy, just a REAL person dealing with real issues. He has never lost a friend in his whole life. And there is no way he will lose me as a friend either.. I LOVE MY MM !! Always and forever !! He is my twin !

[vweb1218]

I have been IRL relationships, some lasting more than 6 years.. I can't explain but when you solely focus on the emotional it is so much deeper than any bond..

 

I am super sexual and have always expressed myself physically. When you don't have that you open yourself up to a whole new untouched world !!

 

Please research emotional affairs or talk to someone who has actually been involved before you say it is NOT a real relationship.. This is how I got my Step Mom 24 years ago !!

[Anna101]

Good for you, if it's all perfect, what's the problem?

[datura_noir]

Your so wrong !! He is the sweetest guy ever. And we have Never slept together... People make mistakes !! He is not perfect, and either am I ..If you insult him you have insulted me.. Trust me we are Just alike !! He is not a disaster or a bad guy, just a REAL person dealing with real issues. He has never lost a friend in his whole life. And there is no way he will lose me as a friend either.. I LOVE MY MM !! Always and forever !! He is my twin !

 

OK I'll play!!

If he's your twin then...you're having an affair with yourself!

 

If he's your twin....what is his wife, a tumor??

 

Oh, and BTW, next time try to be more positive with your posts/sarc/

[Mimolicious]

There is so much inconsistency in your post is not even funny. Anyway, good luck with your soulmate. We'll be right here, sweetpea.

[carrie999]

Your so wrong !! He is the sweetest guy ever. And we have Never slept together... People make mistakes !! He is not perfect, and either am I ..If you insult him you have insulted me.. Trust me we are Just alike !! He is not a disaster or a bad guy, just a REAL person dealing with real issues. He has never lost a friend in his whole life. And there is no way he will lose me as a friend either.. I LOVE MY MM !! Always and forever !! He is my twin !

 

So why are you here??? If you're so sure of him and your relationship, you have no reason to seek advice. You're certainly not listening to anything you don't want to hear.

[vweb1218]

Just here to express myself more than anything...

 

Perfect? ahh No !! If it were he would be laying here right now instead of texting me..

 

Once again !! More people wanting to be negative !! I'm optimistic about our bond so it doesn't really matter anyway.

 

What inconsistances are you talking about ???

[bestplayer]

I have been IRL relationships, some lasting more than 6 years.. I can't explain but when you solely focus on the emotional it is so much deeper than any bond..

 

I am super sexual and have always expressed myself physically. When you don't have that you open yourself up to a whole new untouched world !!

 

Please research emotional affairs or talk to someone who has actually been involved before you say it is NOT a real relationship.. This is how I got my Step Mom 24 years ago !!

"...........Please research emotional affairs or talk to someone who has actually been involved before you say it is NOT a real relationship.. This is how I got my Step Mom 24 years ago !!........."

 

 

what ? ? did you have an emotional affair with your step mom too ??

[vweb1218]

bahahahahahahaha......Ahh, No my Dad did....Lol before they got married !!!

[RecordProducer]

Young lady, let me tell you something about men. My ex-husband talks to women all the time. He tells them how wonderful and beautiful they are, helps them with what they need, shows how much he cares, talks to them about what THEY want to talk about, calls them on their birthdays... you get the picture. Each one of them thinks she is the only one. He doesn't care about them one bit! He is not even attracted to them. He just likes the attention and the illusion of an emotional connection without being emotionally invested and vulnerable. He is not even being a jerk, he is just playing with them and making them feel good. In fact, he never cheated on me, nor did he ever have cybersex with anyone during our marriage.

 

Your guy is saying what you want to hear because he is bored, overstressed, overworked, and an alocoholic. He needs you in his life to feel the superficial connection that he can't get from people who know him REALLY well. He tells you things he's never told his wife? Bon jour! That's what people do: they confide in strangers, in people they don't care about because if those people judge them, they'll easily move on. He is not telling his wife things because he wants her love and respect, but with you he just doesn't care. Even the cybersex is his way of keeping you interested - don't forget he is getting real sex with his new wife while you're posting about him.

 

Men LOVE attention from women (unlike us who run from the guys who shower us with attention if we are not into them). Men will do anything to keep a woman in their lives if she gives them sexual attention. They'll tell you the things you want to hear, including how miserable their marriages are. My ex-husband was telling all women that he was separated when we very much lived together and slept together - because that's what women wanted to hear.

 

I am not telling you he doesn't like you, but he is married. If you're serious about him, then he must show his seriousness, too. Tell him this is wrong because he is married and you will consider dating him IF he gets a divorce (when the divorce is finalized - NOT when he promises that he will leave his wife). Until then, no more talking. But you won't do this because you know very well he will just walk away if you give him the ultimatum. Then ask yourself, WHY would he walk away? Because he loves you? No. Because he doesn't love you.

 

And let me predict how things will develop. You will eventually have sex, you will become his mistress, he will keep feeding you with lies about his miserable marriage, telling you how wonderful and similar to him you are... that will go on for years and he will never leave his wife. Meanwhile, he will have a couple kids with his wife - and of course, he'll swear those were the only times he ever had sex with his wife, and he was so drunk, he thought it was you.

 

Good for you, if it's all perfect, what's the problem?

This is hilarious!

[vweb1218]

I know men more than you could ever imagine. I was the only female working with over 250 guys in NYC. Trust me I have seen and heard it all... Me and MM started out as friends and then realized the attraction. He is nervous around me and for one you can't fake that. Sorry that your ex is a womanizing scum bag... Not all men are like this. I am a good read on people especially the boys. Lets's just say I have never been completely wrong and stay in contact with almost every man I have dated. How dare you act as it you know my MM, he is for sure not the typical man in so many ways.

 

And he in not getting real sex from his wife hardly ever and when he does he does mention that he actually got some. He told me of her non-sexualness way before we noticed our attraction

 

A stranger!! WTF !! Did you not read my post.. I have known him for over two years !! How is that a stranger ? I am the only friend he really made all though college and the only one he stays in contact with the exception of a blond guy who's last name he just can't remember and who he chats with very rarely.

 

Plus I don't think his wife can have kids..I don't think he realizes the seriousness of her medical condition but I looked it up and it doesn't seem very safe or likely she can even have children although he thinks she can.

 

And about me hanging on for years, yeah right !! I am moving to the other side of the country in August and he knows that !!

 

Please don't lump all MM's into the same cateogory. It has been observed by a dear instructor that as it got close to the wedding time that she thinks he wanted to get out and just got to involved in the event.

 

By reading his wife's post on a popular social network, it is obvious that she is not so happy herself. Taking her married last name off the site over a month ago and whinning how she can't wait to get a full-time job because she can't stand staying at home during the day. (that's mostly when he's home)

 

Trust me they have problems. And he is not just making all this up. And we are super similar even classmates noticed and said so.

 

Is he a drinker for sure.. He is not an alcoholic but could become one if he doesn't find a better way to deal with his emotions...

 

It doesn't really matter because he is in my life for a reason !! And there is no way I'm going to break the contact until I discover why and what our connection really means.

 

And about being similar: it is usually something he mentions first that I am like OMG me too, not usually the other way around !!

 

And by the way I am grown, 37 to be exact !!

Edited May 13, 2011 by vweb1218

[26pointblue]

Wow OP you are really making a lot of excuses for him. Fact remains that he's married & cheating on his wife & telling you what you want to hear so you'll be his side thing. So how good of a guy could he really be? Yes there are inconsistencies all over & I just would hate to see you get hurt but you don't seem willing to listen so, talk away, I guess, because what do all of us know?

 

RecordProducer- I can really relate to what you said. My xMM had intimacy problems & I began to realize that he would tell me things he was afraid to tell his wife because he needed to keep up an image & keep the love & respect of his wife. So although it felt like he was cherishing me by letting me in & letting me know deep things about him that he couldn't share with anyone else, really he was using me as his emotional tampon. He needed a counselor but instead he used me [unintentionally]. He was hurt & bleeding but instead of dealing with it the right way he used me as his tissue without truly appreciating me or else he would have given me all of his love. This was a hard lesson to learn & I don't think it means he didn't love me - it's just that he was incapable of loving me enough or the right way. And in the end I had to realize that I did not want a love like that. I also realized that I have some intimacy issues myself or else I never would have gotten involved with him. I think it's easy to love someone who is married & there is less risk of getting hurt. In the future I will really try to give someone all of myself & take a risk & I hope that that person will give me all of themselves as well. Thanks for sharing your thoughts & experience because it really helped me. :-)

[BB07]

So why are you here??? If you're so sure of him and your relationship, you have no reason to seek advice. You're certainly not listening to anything you don't want to hear.

 

 

I 2nd and 3rd this....... and I see a lot of yellow flags in what the op tells us about this man and this relationship but since she doesn't seem at all open to listening, I see no point in pointing anything out. It's not worth the effort of the time if someone didn't come with an open mind.

 

OP.......I wish you a happy relationship but this man is the wrong man and your choice to open yourself up to this is more than likely a big mistake on our part as it will most likely bring you more pain than you can imagine. Right now you are full of hope and you are choosing to let down your guard but you don't see how big the risk you are taking actually is. Good luck........you are gonna need it.

[26pointblue]

And by the way I am grown, 37 to be exact !!

 

Oh wow I just saw this. I never would have guessed you were 37 in a million years. I thought you were a teenager.

[vweb1218]

Well, I do feel like a teenager again and have no problem admitting it. Thanks for the compliment

 

If I get hurt so be it. All relationships are just a lesson!!

 

I know it is a risky situation, but that doesn't always mean it can't turn out well or excellent for that matter.

 

My Dad was involved in an EA and left my Mom for my StepMom. They have been married for over 24 years now.

 

I refuse to be negative about this relationship or any other in my life.

 

Although this has odds stacked against it, I have been though a lot of relationships and reflection and know what type of guy I need, Yes to bad he's married.. But this is the kind of thing that happens to me. Ask my Mom, it would just not be right if I just met a guy and everything worked out and I got married and ran off into the sunset

 

Everything in my life always comes about in some strange and odd way.

Damn, I'm the girl's whose water broke all over the NYC subway on a rush hour Monday morning !! AND no one who know's me was the least bit surprised ! Just saying this would only happen to you......

 

Things that seem to be filled with doubt and craziness are what always ends up working out the best for me. So since this is how my Crazy life has always been, it makes me more optimistic than ever !! Only me would probably feel this way...

[26pointblue]

So is he saying that he's going to get divorced? Is he acting on it?

[vweb1218]

No, He has not said anything about getting a divorce. He has just been expressing more and more unhappiness.. I'm sure it will be some time, doubt he wants to look like he didn't try at all...

[26pointblue]

No, He has not said anything about getting a divorce. He has just been expressing more and more unhappiness.. I'm sure it will be some time, doubt he wants to look like he didn't try at all...

 

 

To me this is self-delusion. He may be using you as a way to find happiness & stay in his marriage. You may be hurting your cause more than helping it. Just my two cents.