He's just like me and I'm happy no matter how it turns out !!

[erica01]

I scanned the posts here and can see that the majority of posts have been going back and forth about what the OP is saying and her excuses for her MM. Anyone that has been an OW that started with an EA should know how she feels to some degree and help her rather than point out how she is making excuses nor say that she is a troll. EVEN if she is, someone could really be in a similar situation reading and want real advice.

 

For awhile on LS I read other ppls situation and tried to relate it to mine because I was afraid of the backlash that my posts would get.

 

As for the Original post...

 

I for one started out in an EA with the MM I was with. We knew each other for about the same amount of time (2yr) and his wife has some medical issues as well. He was only married for a few months when things started. I knew he wasn't happy and still isn't now. We were the best of friends up until a few days ago when things fell apart. I still know that he wasn't lying about us spending time together, only about the sex when it became a full blown A and things like us being in the same hotel room when we went out of town, etc.

 

I knew then and now that he couldn't leave her and he even attempted to do so before on a few occasions but she would have ended up hurting herself and he did and does care enough about her not to want physical harm or to institutionalize her.

 

We managed to maintain the friendship and a long-term A. In the end though I wish I would have done things differently. We might have been soul mates but how could we ever know if he goes home to W most every night. If he has someone else to talk to and take care of even if he doesn't want to be there 100%. After some time in the A he told me that I was like an escape from home. Someone he could be with that he didn't have to take care of like a child. And if it wasn't for me that he would probably be divorced by now.

 

I don't want to hijack your post so I'll say this. If there is something keeping him there now, that something will continue to keep him there as long as it exists, and if nothing else you will prolong his need/want to stay with his wife by giving him an "escape" and knowing that he can take care of home without going crazy because he can have you and not hurt her by leaving. He deludes himself into thinking he isn't hurting her but he is. If he is really the one for you leave him alone for a while and tell him that you can't continue this if he doesn't leave. He will come around.

 

If I had done that in the beginning I might be in a different place right now.

Thats just my 2cents

[vweb1218]

Maybe it is unfair on some level. But for now I am happy with it and the progress it is going, I love the chase game. Best part of a relationship and then it can get a tad boring (mind of a man maybe).. The longer this part is the better.

 

S$&^ or get off the pot I agree. I am sure in his mind he has to give it some try and some effort or at least a perceived one.. Geez, he refused to walk in graduation or have a party and in basically implied he felt guilty for all the gifts he received from the wedding (now why would he feel guilty ?)

 

I don't plan on going anywhere and am still in the getting to know him faze. I would never think he was at the point of leaving her yet. Eventually with or without me I do believe it will be over. I don't want to be his complete reason for leaving. If and when he is ready to go, he will. Both of us just completing our degree's are in a transition phase and have a lot to think about decide what we want next !!

[vweb1218]

He lives right in town.. And we have spent hours and hours together as classmates !!

 

Like I meant to fall for a married guy!! I have lots of opportunities and am and was NOT looking for anyone. I love being single, just accidently fell for him.

[vweb1218]

I agree agree agree.. On everything you said !!

 

I am his escape I know this and he admits that, unfortunately he is mine as well. (so silly together) like being a kid all over.

 

I just recently took a few days off from him, okay I only made it 3. But my phone was off so I could not text, my gmail where we usually chat was deleted. So no real way for him to contact me.

 

Yesterday I sent him a email from a new account and he instantly emailed me back saying "he thought I had died :)"..

 

I realize he will never make a change if I am constantly there for him. I am moving across the country in about 3 months, and he is well aware of this.

Im letting things progress naturally though the summer and I guess see what happens when I move.

 

That's really all I feel I can or am willing to do..

 

Saturday I do think I will surprise him at work and bring him a snack, should be interesting !!

 

Thanks for the solid, honest but not harsh response

[Mimolicious]

I scanned the posts here and can see that the majority of posts have been going back and forth about what the OP is saying and her excuses for her MM. Anyone that has been an OW that started with an EA should know how she feels to some degree and help her rather than point out how she is making excuses nor say that she is a troll. EVEN if she is, someone could really be in a similar situation reading and want real advice.

 

For awhile on LS I read other ppls situation and tried to relate it to mine because I was afraid of the backlash that my posts would get.

 

As for the Original post...

 

I for one started out in an EA with the MM I was with. We knew each other for about the same amount of time (2yr) and his wife has some medical issues as well. He was only married for a few months when things started. I knew he wasn't happy and still isn't now. We were the best of friends up until a few days ago when things fell apart. I still know that he wasn't lying about us spending time together, only about the sex when it became a full blown A and things like us being in the same hotel room when we went out of town, etc.

 

I knew then and now that he couldn't leave her and he even attempted to do so before on a few occasions but she would have ended up hurting herself and he did and does care enough about her not to want physical harm or to institutionalize her.

 

We managed to maintain the friendship and a long-term A. In the end though I wish I would have done things differently. We might have been soul mates but how could we ever know if he goes home to W most every night. If he has someone else to talk to and take care of even if he doesn't want to be there 100%. After some time in the A he told me that I was like an escape from home. Someone he could be with that he didn't have to take care of like a child. And if it wasn't for me that he would probably be divorced by now.

 

I don't want to hijack your post so I'll say this. If there is something keeping him there now, that something will continue to keep him there as long as it exists, and if nothing else you will prolong his need/want to stay with his wife by giving him an "escape" and knowing that he can take care of home without going crazy because he can have you and not hurt her by leaving. He deludes himself into thinking he isn't hurting her but he is. If he is really the one for you leave him alone for a while and tell him that you can't continue this if he doesn't leave. He will come around.

 

If I had done that in the beginning I might be in a different place right now.

Thats just my 2cents

 

Erica, I am confused with this post of yours... Your MM just got caught by you with OOW. How could have you done things differently?

[vweb1218]

I scanned the posts here and can see that the majority of posts have been going back and forth about what the OP is saying and her excuses for her MM. Anyone that has been an OW that started with an EA should know how she feels to some degree and help her rather than point out how she is making excuses nor say that she is a troll. EVEN if she is, someone could really be in a similar situation reading and want real advice.

 

For awhile on LS I read other ppls situation and tried to relate it to mine because I was afraid of the backlash that my posts would get.

 

As for the Original post...

 

I for one started out in an EA with the MM I was with. We knew each other for about the same amount of time (2yr) and his wife has some medical issues as well. He was only married for a few months when things started. I knew he wasn't happy and still isn't now. We were the best of friends up until a few days ago when things fell apart. I still know that he wasn't lying about us spending time together, only about the sex when it became a full blown A and things like us being in the same hotel room when we went out of town, etc.

 

I knew then and now that he couldn't leave her and he even attempted to do so before on a few occasions but she would have ended up hurting herself and he did and does care enough about her not to want physical harm or to institutionalize her.

 

We managed to maintain the friendship and a long-term A. In the end though I wish I would have done things differently. We might have been soul mates but how could we ever know if he goes home to W most every night. If he has someone else to talk to and take care of even if he doesn't want to be there 100%. After some time in the A he told me that I was like an escape from home. Someone he could be with that he didn't have to take care of like a child. And if it wasn't for me that he would probably be divorced by now.

 

I don't want to hijack your post so I'll say this. If there is something keeping him there now, that something will continue to keep him there as long as it exists, and if nothing else you will prolong his need/want to stay with his wife by giving him an "escape" and knowing that he can take care of home without going crazy because he can have you and not hurt her by leaving. He deludes himself into thinking he isn't hurting her but he is. If he is really the one for you leave him alone for a while and tell him that you can't continue this if he doesn't leave. He will come around.

 

If I had done that in the beginning I might be in a different place right now.

Thats just my 2cents

 

 

Can't believe three day of NC were so hard for me.. This is not my typical behavior, I just chop it up for us being so similar that I feel I need to talk to him !! Grrr, this is the only part that bugs me. I am usually not so needy to talk to anyone !

[erica01]

Erica, I am confused with this post of yours... Your MM just got caught by you with OOW. How could have you done things differently?

 

I could have told him a long time ago to call me when he gets a divorce. Granted, I most likely would be in the same situation, but the part that hurt me was more the fact that no one cared because I was the OW. That part was my fault regardless of what he did.

[erica01]

I agree agree agree.. On everything you said !!

 

I am his escape I know this and he admits that, unfortunately he is mine as well. (so silly together) like being a kid all over.

 

I just recently took a few days off from him, okay I only made it 3. But my phone was off so I could not text, my gmail where we usually chat was deleted. So no real way for him to contact me.

 

Yesterday I sent him a email from a new account and he instantly emailed me back saying "he thought I had died :)"..

 

I realize he will never make a change if I am constantly there for him. I am moving across the country in about 3 months, and he is well aware of this.

Im letting things progress naturally though the summer and I guess see what happens when I move.

 

That's really all I feel I can or am willing to do..

 

Saturday I do think I will surprise him at work and bring him a snack, should be interesting !!

 

Thanks for the solid, honest but not harsh response

 

I hear you, but trust me it can not end well and someday it will likely have to end. Like I said in my previous post as long as that thing keeping him and his W together exists, things won't change.

 

Leaving the country won't stop your contact with him since you mostly communicate electronically. I don't really even know why you think it would. Also, from what you are saying I don't think you don't really want to anyway and that is what it seems a lot of the other LS posters are saying.

 

I see your situation being similar in some ways "friends hanging having a good time and developing into a sexual relationship slowly but still happening" but he married his W for a reason.

 

I WISH that I had stopped the A back when I first started lurking on LS. I WISH I had not thought things were different for us. I can not get that wasted time back. It was sooo much fun BACK THEN and enjoyable, but look at things now.

[love4me2c]

Well if he's only been married two months, then how about he get an annulment? Also, you mentioned something about his drinking? I bet his wife isn't very happy about that. No wonder he doesn't like her very much.

 

He's using you as a distraction. Guys like this jump from person to person... anyone who will enable them. Then when the enablers stop, they leave to find another enabler.

 

Don't waste your time on him. Find an available, happy man. Having a lot in common doesn't always make for a great relationship. Everyone changes and sometimes those commonalities change, too. I know you really are going to just do what you want, which is what I think we all do, but put some thought into going any further with this guy. He shows you what he wants to show you. It doesn't mean that is who he is.

[ladydesigner]

Well if he's only been married two months, then how about he get an annulment? Also, you mentioned something about his drinking? I bet his wife isn't very happy about that. No wonder he doesn't like her very much.

 

He's using you as a distraction. Guys like this jump from person to person... anyone who will enable them. Then when the enablers stop, they leave to find another enabler.

 

Don't waste your time on him. Find an available, happy man. Having a lot in common doesn't always make for a great relationship. Everyone changes and sometimes those commonalities change, too. I know you really are going to just do what you want, which is what I think we all do, but put some thought into going any further with this guy. He shows you what he wants to show you. It doesn't mean that is who he is.

 

 

The bolded is so spot on.

[FieldFlower]

Can't believe three day of NC were so hard for me.. This is not my typical behavior, I just chop it up for us being so similar that I feel I need to talk to him !! Grrr, this is the only part that bugs me. I am usually not so needy to talk to anyone !

 

 

BAMMM!!!!, and right there it is. Your own words, NOT your typical behavior AND NOT so usually so needy. Don't you see how you are changing yourself, to adapt to this particular situation? You claim to be a girl of Science, so let's talk science, and no I won't critique your spelling, because English wasn't my major either. So, what is the primary reason that any species adapts to an outside stimuli? It's because it HAS too, in order to continue, as a self preservation act, when external forces cause stress, it's instinctual to adapt or change to accomodate the situation. Of course I'm sure you know this already. You can run with the unicorns, bounce on the clouds and sing the sunshine song all you want, but you are stressed about the situation and the fact that you readily admit that your normal behavior has changed, proves it. When the grazing's good, we don't cross the river to feed the gators. Think about that, really think about it.

 

Also, if you truly want to be taken seriously, lay off the delusions of grandeur. I mean really, are you serious? Every post is riddled with how awesome you are at this, and how great you are at that, how your perception is almost paranormal, please please, give me the lottery numbers girl. I'm not saying this to be mean either, but for someone that claims to be 37 years old, surely you must know how incredibly arrogant and annoying a person is who claims to know everything, it totally pisses those of us who do off..j/k

[vweb1218]

Well if he's only been married two months, then how about he get an annulment? Also, you mentioned something about his drinking? I bet his wife isn't very happy about that. No wonder he doesn't like her very much.

 

He's using you as a distraction. Guys like this jump from person to person... anyone who will enable them. Then when the enablers stop, they leave to find another enabler.

 

Don't waste your time on him. Find an available, happy man. Having a lot in common doesn't always make for a great relationship. Everyone changes and sometimes those commonalities change, too. I know you really are going to just do what you want, which is what I think we all do, but put some thought into going any further with this guy. He shows you what he wants to show you. It doesn't mean that is who he is.

 

I have always been with my opposite that doesn't work for me !!!.. He was a happy man before he got married, i knew him then..

 

He has always been in serious relationship and never jumped around, maybe he should of !

[bentnotbroken]

I have always been with my opposite that doesn't work for me !!!.. He was a happy man before he got married, i knew him then..

 

He has always been in serious relationship and never jumped around, maybe he should of !

 

 

Grown a backbone, a pair or just opened his mouth and said "NO! I don't want to be married."

[vweb1218]

Grown a backbone, a pair or just opened his mouth and said "NO! I don't want to be married."

 

English please !!

[bentnotbroken]

English please !!

 

 

It won't help you. Next.

[Mme. Chaucer]

He was a happy man before he got married, i knew him then..

 

 

Since you knew him when he was single, and the two of you are soul mates, etc., WHY didn't you get together with him back then? I mean, 3 or 4 months ago - before he got married? What do you "chop that up" to?

[vweb1218]

BAMMM!!!!, and right there it is. Your own words, NOT your typical behavior AND NOT so usually so needy. Don't you see how you are changing yourself, to adapt to this particular situation? You claim to be a girl of Science, so let's talk science, and no I won't critique your spelling, because English wasn't my major either. So, what is the primary reason that any species adapts to an outside stimuli? It's because it HAS too, in order to continue, as a self preservation act, when external forces cause stress, it's instinctual to adapt or change to accomodate the situation. Of course I'm sure you know this already. You can run with the unicorns, bounce on the clouds and sing the sunshine song all you want, but you are stressed about the situation and the fact that you readily admit that your normal behavior has changed, proves it. When the grazing's good, we don't cross the river to feed the gators. Think about that, really think about it.

 

Also, if you truly want to be taken seriously, lay off the delusions of grandeur. I mean really, are you serious? Every post is riddled with how awesome you are at this, and how great you are at that, how your perception is almost paranormal, please please, give me the lottery numbers girl. I'm not saying this to be mean either, but for someone that claims to be 37 years old, surely you must know how incredibly arrogant and annoying a person is who claims to know everything, it totally pisses those of us who do off..j/k

 

Interesting first paragraph, I will think about it!!

 

I am mostly happy though !! Of course it stresses me to some point or I wouldn't be on this forum.

 

I am happy I met him and have found enlightenment in meeting someone so similar to me.

 

Of course I worry because he is not someone I ever want to give up but I am not willing to be in this situation forever either.

 

Damn, I wish we didn't have the attraction and we could of just went on and been cool friends

 

Attraction always messes things up for me. Unfortunately our attraction is a mutual and undeniable one.

 

Flattering and annoying how he always dreams about me. If it wasn't bad enough to know his subconsious likes me to !!

 

I have tried to distance myself, this just makes him chase harder !!

[vweb1218]

Since you knew him when he was single, and the two of you are soul mates, etc., WHY didn't you get together with him back then? I mean, 3 or 4 months ago - before he got married? What do you "chop that up" to?

 

Your right !! Have kicked myself a million times when I look back in hindsight...

 

I pretty much ignored the attraction. For one he is not my typical type so it was easy to chop it off as just a cute boy. Have always been attracted to my opposite.

 

I was also in and then morning another relationship with a sweet man who ended up having to go away (government secret job).

 

I have a few very close classmate girlfriends that were in the classes we (me and MM) had together so he started sitting near us but it took a while before he got included in conversations because my best college friend and I were always chatting.

 

I noticed a glimp's of our attraction a few times but ignored it because by that time he was engaged. I should of reconized we had some type of deeper bond when he would text me EVERY morning before and during class. But still thought we were just buds.

 

Then we hung out most the day just him and I and well thats when it was to obvious to ignore. From that day we have pretty much been in constant contact !!

[greengoddess]

I have always been with my opposite that doesn't work for me !!!.. He was a happy man before he got married, i knew him then..

 

He has always been in serious relationship and never jumped around, maybe he should of !

 

 

Is it possible his unhappiness is not from his marriage since he seems to want to please his wife. ex. not drinking and sobering up for her, that his unhappiness is from his extreme guilt from finding pleasure in your come ons?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your right !! Have kicked myself a million times when I look back in hindsight...

 

I pretty much ignored the attraction. For one he is not my typical type so it was easy to chop it off as just a cute boy. Have always been attracted to my opposite.

 

Hm. This is getting more interesting. What exactly did you chop off? Since you "chopped it off," is he still a "cute boy"?

 

How old is he? You're 37, right? Aren't you a little elderly for "cute boys" anyway?

[Mimolicious]

I could have told him a long time ago to call me when he gets a divorce. Granted, I most likely would be in the same situation, but the part that hurt me was more the fact that no one cared because I was the OW. That part was my fault regardless of what he did.

 

Don't blame yourself though, he was also misleading you and if you think about it, doesn't even care about himself...

 

Live and learn! You'll get through it.

[Mimolicious]

VWeb, besides goofing, laughing, acting silly and liking the same stickers- Let's be grown ups for a minute, how else is this MM going to help you be the best that you can be?

 

If he knocked on your door tomorrow and said that he is done with his marriage (for good), where do you see yourself heading with this "cute boy"? (I have a strong feeling that in a split second he will stop looking "cute")

 

I mean, unless you have all the time in the world to waste and you are ok with doing you (on your own) and just having your MM for ent...

 

BUT you did say that you have always been with the opposite of men that jump from one person to another. That it doesn't work for you. There's not much that anyone can really discuss or advice on here. You are where you are because that is where you want to be. Then what's really to discuss? You are happy with it "no matter how it turns out". You deserve it. Much blessings and best of luck.

[Lucky_One]

Please, vweb, before I dig my eyeballs out, it is "chalk it up", not "chop it up".

 

Three days NC? Why? Did you tell him you were going NC? If this is just an EA and if you are so blissfully happy and you will never regret meeting him because of the intense joy of finally finding your soulmate and if you have given up on the thoughts of sex and are just wallowing in the sheer wonderment and joy of your extreme emotional attachment, why go NC at all?

 

Three days of unannounced NC sounds like game playing to me. Sounds pretty immature for a 37 year old, to be honest.

[vweb1218]

VWeb, besides goofing, laughing, acting silly and liking the same stickers- Let's be grown ups for a minute, how else is this MM going to help you be the best that you can be?

 

If he knocked on your door tomorrow and said that he is done with his marriage (for good), where do you see yourself heading with this "cute boy"? (I have a strong feeling that in a split second he will stop looking "cute")

 

I mean, unless you have all the time in the world to waste and you are ok with doing you (on your own) and just having your MM for ent...

 

BUT you did say that you have always been with the opposite of men that jump from one person to another. That it doesn't work for you. There's not much that anyone can really discuss or advice on here. You are where you are because that is where you want to be. Then what's really to discuss? You are happy with it "no matter how it turns out". You deserve it. Much blessings and best of luck.

 

 

All though I am sure we would like the same stickers, there is a lot more to our "friendship" than that.

 

For any serious relationship I require a connection on 5 different level:

1.) Mental - which includes things to talk about, commonality and sense of humor

2.) Physical- not just sex but general attraction and exercise and health habits.

3.) Emotional connection

4.) Spiritual connection

5.) Compatiablity (very important)

 

So of course I feel we connect on all of the above...

 

He will always be cute to me, even if he got fat and scarred !! He's very good looking but it is his personality that really stands out !

[Mimolicious]

All though I am sure we would like the same stickers, there is a lot more to our "friendship" than that.

 

For any serious relationship I require a connection on 5 different level:

1.) Mental - which includes things to talk about, commonality and sense of humor

2.) Physical- not just sex but general attraction and exercise and health habits.

3.) Emotional connection

4.) Spiritual connection

5.) Compatiablity (very important)

 

So of course I feel we connect on all of the above...

 

He will always be cute to me, even if he got fat and scarred !! He's very good looking but it is his personality that really stands out !

 

Ok, but where is all of that going to take you, let's say 4yrs from now?

Is this really a serious R? You are taking him more serious than he taking himself, don't you think? After all, he married someone that he didn't really wanted to and 2 months later, here he is. Pouring all his energy into someone else.

 

Doesn't he have drinking problems and is "bored with everything in his life"?

 

How is this person able to fulfill all of the above for you, yet he has these huge voids? (according to what you have posted)

 

Why don't you have the honors of telling his W what is going on? Or you are not taking him very serious either, since you like being single as you mentioned.

 

This sounds like a game being played by the both of you. You know what happens with people who play games. Someone has to lose. You are right, someone does have to "win". Look at Charlie Sheen, he is "WINNING" according to his deranged & delusional self.