Alright, Sunday it is

[welikeincrowds]

Have funnnnnnn, dude. Hehehehhee.

 

Yeah, I don't have a hairdryer. I look like I'm planning on entering a wet t-shirt contest. It's kind of vulgar actually. But,

 

MIRACULOUSLY

 

I just got a text from her saying she's running 10 minutes late. A little more drying time

 

I was getting nervous seeing as I didn't join the Rapture, but I guess Jesus is looking after me after all.

[tigressA]

Well, how did it go???????

[welikeincrowds]

Well, how did it go???????

 

Well TA, funny you should ask, because it's technically not over yet.

 

Turns out she wants to spend just one more night at my place (tonight) -- and then she's leaving forever.

 

I'm actually on my way to dinner with her and a friend of hers, at her friend's place.

[tigressA]

Well TA, funny you should ask, because it's technically not over yet.

 

Turns out she wants to spend just one more night at my place (tonight) -- and then she's leaving forever.

 

I'm actually on my way to dinner with her and a friend of hers, at her friend's place.

 

Awesome! Have a good time!

[welikeincrowds]

She's gone.

 

For the past 3 days, it felt like she was my girlfriend. She could have been my girlfriend.

 

This was such a crazy, memorable time. She has all these incredible qualities, the best one of which is ironically the reason I won't be able to keep seeing her.

 

I think for the next few days I'm going to be reading the Coping section.

[Kamille]

You're so cryptic! Glad you had a passionate long-date.

 

Here for you as you go through withdrawal!

[EricaH329]

She's gone.

 

For the past 3 days, it felt like she was my girlfriend. She could have been my girlfriend.

 

This was such a crazy, memorable time. She has all these incredible qualities, the best one of which is ironically the reason I won't be able to keep seeing her.

 

I think for the next few days I'm going to be reading the Coping section.

 

Aw!! WLIC, i'm so happy you got to experience what you did, even if it only was for a short amount of time! I'm sure the two of you will be able to stay in touch until she gets back.

[callingyouuu]

Aww, and I thought this kind of stuff only happened in the movies... This was by far the most heartwarming thing I've heard all week.

[welikeincrowds]

Aw!! WLIC, i'm so happy you got to experience what you did, even if it only was for a short amount of time! I'm sure the two of you will be able to stay in touch until she gets back.

 

Aww, and I thought this kind of stuff only happened in the movies... This was by far the most heartwarming thing I've heard all week.

 

Here for you as you go through withdrawal!

 

Thank you

 

You're so cryptic!

 

I didn't mean to be cryptic! Her "best quality" (as if I should single one out, that was silly of me ) is her ambition. She is following a calling, and that is so attractive.

 

I guess that's the thing, I'll be a little unhappy about it for the next few days, but I'll settle back in. I refuse to frame this wonderful thing negatively. It was great exactly as it was.

 

I will keep in touch with her too. They say you never know, right?

[EricaH329]

I refuse to frame this wonderful thing negatively. It was great exactly as it was.

 

That's exactly the way to think about it!! Plus...

 

I will keep in touch with her too. They say you never know, right?

 

Exactly!! I'm so happy you got the chance to experience that! I really do wish the best for you!

[welikeincrowds]

I'm having a bit of a lonely night. I don't mean to make LS my live journal but I know I'll feel better if I put this out there.

 

I got caught up doing something stupid and unimportant at home after I got out of the gym today, which caused me to miss out on a thing I had been invited to. I also have to housesit tonight so it's just me and the housecat right now.

 

The girl this thread is about came back to visit me over the three-day weekend. We laid out at the park, and then we made reservations for a very nice restaurant, and then she spent the night. She left the next evening, stretching here stay for as long as possible, because this one was the "for real, I'm really leaving this time" visit. She is actually gone now.

 

And... it was very hard to say goodbye this time. Very very hard. Way more difficult than last time, or the time before that. When I got home -- if I can't admit it here, I can't admit it anywhere -- I cried. I actually broke down and cried. There's more than one reason for that -- I'm experiencing some frustrating things in other areas of my life right now -- but what triggered it was coming home, and seeing the bed we had just had sex on. The really funny thing about this (warning: tmi): I wanted to hide my sobbing from my roommate, so I grabbed the nearest towel -- but that was also the towel she used to, er, wipe herself off, not 30 minutes before...

 

She was one of those situations where you "just know", like being hit in the face with a good idea, the kind of answer that reminds you why you ask the question. It's not once and a lifetime, I know that, but it certainly feels that way right now. We connected so fast, and every intersection had a green light. It has been so long since I've ever felt so sure about something so important, and yet, there is almost nothing I can do about it. I have had to let nearly all of it leave with her.

 

The cat is looking at me right now. I'm trying to inform her that she cannot possibly cheer me up right now, because I feel pathetic talking out loud in complete sentences to a tiny little cat, but she keeps coming over anyway.

 

The next day I didn't feel so bad, and I can basically go about my day, and have fun, and be fine. Tonight I'm a little vulnerable, but it will pass.

 

When I decided to say "**** it, whatever" with this girl, I never expected this to happen. I would call it extreme dumb luck, the kind that doesn't often happen with me, except that at this moment, it's feeling like I'm at the tail end of a worse case scenario -- star-crossed angst bull****. There were no doubts, no pauses, no strings. This was someone I could have loved.

 

I'll probably deal with this how I always do, by half-drunkenly writing overly sentimental things on the internet late at night so that I can regret it the next morning, text her here and there, reflect on how otherwise privileged I am and how comparatively simple my problems are, distract myself with other day-to-day contrivances, and eventually meet someone else, who may or may not disappoint me. It's presumptuous to think, anyway, that what i've experienced is in any way unique, and thus, that I won't be able to experience something like it again. And after all, there are millions of people in just my city. If it was so blindingly easy and accidental to find something just so close to perfect, why shouldn't I imagine that it could happen again, with someone who, finally, is both willing and able to commit?

 

Alright, I'm going to crawl into bed now. That's it, actually, the reason I wrote this. I crawled into bed, and with every fiber, every cell, every sub-atomic ****ing particle wanted her right next me. Instead, I got pity from the damn cat, who tried to make a headrest out of my outstretched, frustrated hand. I can't get mad at that cat! I can only put on some kind of movie and distract myself to sleep. I guess it's that it's the weekend, and this is actually the first weekend, I think, that I haven't had her at my bedside since I met her. There are so many beautiful and intelligent women here (and some that are actually both), but I have that feeling that the next girl I caught up in, on some lustful bender, is just going to feel like a warm body to me.

 

I don't regret what I've done, but I don't wish to have to deal with this. I've experienced way harder, and way worse. It's not really that big a deal. But... I don't know. It just, well, sucks. It ****ing sucks that I can't have her, it sucks that time and again, this is how the world works, and people just have to carefully put their best pair of sunglasses and deal with it. And I do too, and I will, but right now, I just want her in this bed. I'm just going to have to settle for the cat. Yeah you, cat on the chair, I see you looking at me. Fine, I'll let you use my hand as a pillow, just give me a ****ing minute.

[carhill]

Nice journal. I can relate.

 

It was a dark and cold January night in the lonely first class cabin on the express train from Odessa to Lviv. I remember her breath against the window, the outstretched hand on the glass touching mine, the tears in our eyes as we said the silent goodbye through the cold glass. I wondered what had come over me. Well, Stalin had a little revenge for me later that night, as I would end up on the toilet with no bottom except for the cold steel of the rails slipping beneath my very upset digestive tract. Yet, I could only think of one thing, one person, someone I'd never see again; a woman amongst a very select few whom I've shared myself with.

 

Enjoy these times. When you get to be an old fart, it will make for great memories. Perhaps you will see your lady again someday. I hope so.

 

You could do far worse than a cat who is loyal to you. Mine's out hunting tonight. Looks like rain. Field mice will be out. Owls about. Night creatures.

Edited June 4, 2011 by carhill

[Star Gazer]

, N. That's what that is.

[tigressA]

I'm having a bit of a lonely night. I don't mean to make LS my live journal but I know I'll feel better if I put this out there.

 

I got caught up doing something stupid and unimportant at home after I got out of the gym today, which caused me to miss out on a thing I had been invited to. I also have to housesit tonight so it's just me and the housecat right now.

 

The girl this thread is about came back to visit me over the three-day weekend. We laid out at the park, and then we made reservations for a very nice restaurant, and then she spent the night. She left the next evening, stretching here stay for as long as possible, because this one was the "for real, I'm really leaving this time" visit. She is actually gone now.

 

And... it was very hard to say goodbye this time. Very very hard. Way more difficult than last time, or the time before that. When I got home -- if I can't admit it here, I can't admit it anywhere -- I cried. I actually broke down and cried. There's more than one reason for that -- I'm experiencing some frustrating things in other areas of my life right now -- but what triggered it was coming home, and seeing the bed we had just had sex on. The really funny thing about this (warning: tmi): I wanted to hide my sobbing from my roommate, so I grabbed the nearest towel -- but that was also the towel she used to, er, wipe herself off, not 30 minutes before...

 

She was one of those situations where you "just know", like being hit in the face with a good idea, the kind of answer that reminds you why you ask the question. It's not once and a lifetime, I know that, but it certainly feels that way right now. We connected so fast, and every intersection had a green light. It has been so long since I've ever felt so sure about something so important, and yet, there is almost nothing I can do about it. I have had to let nearly all of it leave with her.

 

The cat is looking at me right now. I'm trying to inform her that she cannot possibly cheer me up right now, because I feel pathetic talking out loud in complete sentences to a tiny little cat, but she keeps coming over anyway.

 

The next day I didn't feel so bad, and I can basically go about my day, and have fun, and be fine. Tonight I'm a little vulnerable, but it will pass.

 

When I decided to say "**** it, whatever" with this girl, I never expected this to happen. I would call it extreme dumb luck, the kind that doesn't often happen with me, except that at this moment, it's feeling like I'm at the tail end of a worse case scenario -- star-crossed angst bull****. There were no doubts, no pauses, no strings. This was someone I could have loved.

 

I'll probably deal with this how I always do, by half-drunkenly writing overly sentimental things on the internet late at night so that I can regret it the next morning, text her here and there, reflect on how otherwise privileged I am and how comparatively simple my problems are, distract myself with other day-to-day contrivances, and eventually meet someone else, who may or may not disappoint me. It's presumptuous to think, anyway, that what i've experienced is in any way unique, and thus, that I won't be able to experience something like it again. And after all, there are millions of people in just my city. If it was so blindingly easy and accidental to find something just so close to perfect, why shouldn't I imagine that it could happen again, with someone who, finally, is both willing and able to commit?

 

Alright, I'm going to crawl into bed now. That's it, actually, the reason I wrote this. I crawled into bed, and with every fiber, every cell, every sub-atomic ****ing particle wanted her right next me. Instead, I got pity from the damn cat, who tried to make a headrest out of my outstretched, frustrated hand. I can't get mad at that cat! I can only put on some kind of movie and distract myself to sleep. I guess it's that it's the weekend, and this is actually the first weekend, I think, that I haven't had her at my bedside since I met her. There are so many beautiful and intelligent women here (and some that are actually both), but I have that feeling that the next girl I caught up in, on some lustful bender, is just going to feel like a warm body to me.

 

I don't regret what I've done, but I don't wish to have to deal with this. I've experienced way harder, and way worse. It's not really that big a deal. But... I don't know. It just, well, sucks. It ****ing sucks that I can't have her, it sucks that time and again, this is how the world works, and people just have to carefully put their best pair of sunglasses and deal with it. And I do too, and I will, but right now, I just want her in this bed. I'm just going to have to settle for the cat. Yeah you, cat on the chair, I see you looking at me. Fine, I'll let you use my hand as a pillow, just give me a ****ing minute.

 

I laughed, I cried...I love this post. The most awesome post I've ever seen here. I hope that cheers you at least a little. It does suck that things had to happen the way they did, but at the same time that's what lent to the extreme romance of it all, IMO. Like Carhill said, great memories. I have a couple of those myself.

[Tybalt]

I like it welikeincrowds. Very authentically, beautifully written.

 

Write about it more. Here or in your own journal. These accounts are what remind us of the high points in life, which ironically are often entertwined with the lows. Great passions are compelling.

 

My "one who got away" disappeared for ten years. No contact at all. Then one day, he appeared again, as deep down I always, intuitively knew he would. It was as if no time had passed at all, and all the love and hope I'd had for him resurfaced.

 

But life is never so simple as all that, and in our case there had been too much time, too much geographical space, too much divergence. We'd created lives 3000 miles apart and we could not avoid what our choices then had set into motion. It took another two years for me to realize and accept that no matter how much we loved one another, a life partnership requires more than that. Deep down, perhaps we knew we were not exactly right for each other, or else we'd never have parted in the first place. And by right, I mean not just chemistry and love, but lives moving in the same direction under the same driving forces.

 

Regret? No. The contrast of seeing the "me" then and the "me" ten years later was more valuable than I can describe, and I may never have grasped some of the most important life lessons I have ever learned without that experience.

 

Carhill is correct. These moments of being so alive are the vivid memories we carry with us. You know in your heart how romanticized and magnified these feelings are, and perhaps for the very reason that time was so short. But you shall have the joy of revisiting and recontextualizing the experience for the rest of your life. As you evolve, the lens through which you view it all may change. It is true we never know what will be until it is... And even then, life is in a continual state of flux.

 

What you learn about yourself through these vivid experiences will serve you well as you weave it into your life of colors. In the end, whatever happens, no one can take the moments of joy and beauty away from us.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I hope you don't ignore the cat.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You are a fine writer! And you seem to be a very emotionally "alive" person. Good for you, friend. You are living your life on more than one level, and feeling it. ( )

 

Don't ever close down the feeling.

[EricaH329]

It does not surprise me in the least that the most heartfelt posts come from you, WLIC. I felt the pain you are experiencing with every fiber of my being while reading your post.

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is bittersweet. You are so grateful for having had the time to spend with her, but you wish it would last longer.

 

I feel for you. Keep posting here, it should relieve some of the pain and help to get your thoughts organized. We are all here to support you through this!

[welikeincrowds]

Thank you everyone!

 

When I look back at my post, all I can see are the grammatical errors but now that I've read all your kind responses, I don't regret it. It's so nice to know that there is a trusted community here, and I really appreciate it.

 

I hope you don't ignore the cat.

 

She was a little ball of concentrated heat in the bed last night -- although I desired nothing more, ignoring her was pretty much impossible. But I may have given her a few good rub downs beforehand, which may have influenced her decision to curl up directly on top of me, so I guess it's my own fault.

[welikeincrowds]

Okay, so, update.

 

But first, I need to correct something. She actually didn't leave the country, she just moved to a faraway state. When I first wrote this thread I was misremembering (i.e. didn't listen), and I figured it wasn't important detail to correct as she may as well have been leaving the country. But it's important now, because...

 

...she's moving back to NY.

 

She didn't have a good experience with the program she was involved in, and was able to arrange a year's leave. She has decided to take that leave in the city -- in fact, she returns in a few days. We've stayed in touch, so the first place she will be stopping when will be none other than my apartment.

 

This has been in the making for some time now. I've watched as she has gone from being very excited and anxious about her opportunity, to struggling with unhappiness, to deciding that she wants to move back, to making it happen. She's on the road as I write this.

 

She has a few close friends here with whom she can stay, but I also offered her my place (and bed ), and told her that she can stay while she gets things figured out -- job + apartment. I was confident doing this for a few reasons, but one of them was actually because I read TigressA's threads describing how she temporarily moved in with her boyfriend while looking for a job, after not having known him for all that long. I figured that from my estimation, this girl here is as determined and polite as TigressA appears to be, and that it really seemed to work out for them... so **** it, why not?

 

Although, our situation is different, because we didn't directly transition -- we have been contending with this distance gap. Although we have been talking almost every day, the change will still be abrupt. And truthfully, I am a little apprehensive.

 

The means by which I have been able to talk to her, learn about her, and otherwise keep her as a part of my life are all stunted and pitiful when compared to being right physically next to someone. It's not so much that I'm afraid that we've lost momentum; in my opinion, that ship is still comfortably on course, and tactically speaking here, I'm sure I can guide it right back into harbor with one well executed date -- "Hold on babe, lemme check the sextant :cool:" (hmmm, maybe I could actually use this line on her when she gets back...).

 

But I guess, finally, lost momentum is what I'm afraid of. I fully expect due to the circumstances that it will take a little time to warm back up to each other, and that I am aware that it doesn't "mean" anything. I guess I'm just afraid of opening the door when she arrives and feeling like I'm looking at a cadaver, rather than "her: she who haunts me". I probably won't be filled with that rush of seeing, say, an old friend or family member (or lover) coming through the terminal exit. And I guess that moment in the doorway is something to be apprehensive about.

 

As I write this, I'm starting to get an idea. Problems with this idea are that she's going to want to drop off her stuff at my place, and she might be too tired to want to do anything but chill, but:

 

...maybe I should arrange to meet her out, or make more solid plans for some kind of romantic evening on her return. Not to make some kind of show of it, but rather, to place a punctuation mark, to make her feel special and reward her for following through on a difficult decision to come back to NY. Of course I already thought of getting her a small welcome gift (cupcakes from her favorite NY bakery), and I already mentioned to her that we she should go out when she arrives if she's not too tired -- so I don't know why, suddenly, that this idea feels different, or like some kind of solution.

 

I guess it comes down to the approach. I suppose it has felt more like I've been making plans for a visiting friend, and not a lover. Perhaps I should put a bit of fire underneath this thing, a little but of mystery, a little more attention to detail. Maybe reservations? I'd cook, but, I can't cook. It's one gigantic flaw of mine. And I think the going out part, the change of scenery and the reminder that "hey, this is the wonderful city you remember, and it has missed you" is an important aspect to consider. I don't know, I'll have to think about it....

 

The point is, if I make my concerns a little less about myself, and a little more about making her feel good, after what has been a cumbersome false start (featuring two road trips across the country) -- I can capture the feeling for her of, metaphorically and literally, crawling into bed after a hard day, and into my arms. The upshot of this strategy is that it will make it feel more "right" for me, too.

 

Alright, at this point I'm just talking out loud. Any thoughts or ideas, please share.

[Star Gazer]

I'm verrrrrrrrrry jealous of this girl.

[tigressA]

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! So exciting!!

 

Secondly, I feel honored that you mentioned me.

 

As for what to do upon her return...I'm thinking a comfortable evening in would be best. You could get takeout, light some candles, a bottle of wine. Give her a nice foot rub while she eats her cupcakes.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Luv is in the air :love::bunny:

 

 

No offense or anything welike but I did feel like you were being overly dramatic before when you wrote how you have one Sunday together and then that's it forever. Then also when you described the emotions you felt when this girl left after knowing her for a very short time. It's like you need to apmplify emotions and add dramatic flair to everything. I like it, I am just saying that I hope this girl lives up to the fantasy you created.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Oh, boy! I'm excited for you. It's also exciting that you were able to use the word "sextant" in your post.

 

I think if I were in your situation, I would plan something out. Not necessarily anything "fancy" like reservations at a good restaurant, but something good and fun, and not too big of a deal because she might be tired. Though I doubt she will be. NYC is too exhilarating to be tired upon arrival there - plus, she's going to be all excited about seeing you.

 

Going out will ease you back into being together and smooth away any potential awkwardness. And kindly forget about your concern that you'll feel like you're looking at a cadaver when you see her at your door ... sheesh! A cadaver? Loss of momentum or not, you'll see a lovely young woman whom you have a lot of warm feelings for standing in your doorway.

 

And then you'll probably start thinking about checking that sextant.

[threebyfate]

Good luck welike! Maybe this is the one for you!