virgin

[cataclysmic.road]

I've been seeing this guy for five months. He's asian and I'm white. I was told that in that culture dating isn't as casual as in typical westernized dating (especially since he is from Indonesia). We live an hour and a half away from each other but we have been making it work. We text multiple times a day. Talk to each other nightly. He's in his residency now - second year - so he doesn't have much time. But he would always spend the one night a week he had off with me. It got to the point where he is my best friend.

 

To add more to the mix, I'm a virgin. So everytime he would want to have sex I would deny him telling him that I only do that with someone that I am in a relationship with. I mean, we did everything else, just not the act of sex itself. And once we would have gotten into a relationship I planned on being with him in that way. I started taking birthcontrol for him. I knew that I loved him.

 

So I asked him one day, "What is this? We just never had the talk so I don't know." And he said, "I think so. I just want to be sure."

 

I knew this wasnt the best answer. But nothing changed. I didn't bring it up again and we continued to get closer. I continued to spend the one night a week over his place (the one night he had off each week) and if he had to get up really early and it wasn't an option to be up all night - he would drive an hour and a half down to me to take me to lunch or take a walk in the park. It didn't have to be sexual at all. He was truly my best friend.

 

Then one day during our conversations at night I could tell in his voice that something was wrong. And I just knew he needed time - that he was going through something. So I didn't call him for a couple days. The texts stopped. It came from no where. After three days, I messaged him asking if everything was ok. I then received a series of seven texts in a row. He explained that he was confused and he had a long talk with his friend about what to do in this situation. He then told me that he had been thinking about that question I asked and he wanted to say yes to being in a committed relationship at the time. But he wanted to make sure. He had some "negligible" and "residual" feelings for his ex. He thought they would go away on their own cause they hadn't been together for so long (she is from Indonesia I believe). And even though he wants to be with me, he said that he doesn't want to get into a relationship until he is free from his past.

 

Now, we weren't technically dating. So I feel like I can't be mad. But we were closer then most people who are currently dating. And he apologized for not telling me sooner. But I'm devastated. I've had other boyfriends before. I thought I knew what love was. I knew NOTHING. I haven't stopped crying since this happened.

 

We talked about everything. He said that he cares for me as more then a friend. But right now he just wants to be my friend until he can committ to me the way I should be committed to. He says that he wants to be free from his past before getting into another relationship. He said he doesn't love her and he doesn't want to get back with her right now, but that the memories and fondness he had for her always came back.

 

I told him that if he cares for me, but just cares for her more and is picking her he needs to just tell me and I can take it and I will try to move on. That if he just doesn't like me like that then he needs to tell me. And he said if he didn't, he wouldn't go through all these explanations. He just doesn't want to hurt me.

 

He even suggested that if someone else came into the picture while he was trying to figure this out that he wouldn't stand in my way. I feel like that's just the kiss of death.

 

And I know him. He's not lying. He would omit something before deliberately lying about it (thus, the entire situation at hand...)

 

And I want to be friends with him. Because he is honestly the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. I've never been happier just spending time with someone. He's the kind of person that's goodness makes your life better. Makes you a better person - just by knowing him. But how can I stay friends with him when it will kill me if he picks her? It's a loss for me on two levels. We can never retain the friendship at the level we have if he is with someone else. What girl would be fine with her boyfriend talking to someone every night before they go to bed? No one would put up with that. So the friendship I know with him would change. And the man I love might possibly choose someone else. I can't live with that.

 

Even just talking on the phone after this texting back and forth, I was tearing up the entire time. I've never felt such sincere emotion and hurt ever in my life.

 

I met him on Match, and since this entire thing, he deleted his profile. He's serious about not dating anyone til he figures this out.

 

I told him that I realize he needs to figure this out. And I am giving him time to make things right inside. I told him how I feel for him, and that I miss him, but that when he is ready he can contact me.

 

Is he just like any other guy? Is this different? Is there an excuse? Is he trying to let me down easy? Why would he say he still cares for me then and that he doesn't wanna lose my friendship? Does it have to do with the fact that I didn't sleep with him? What is it? Would you remain friends with him even though it might kill you inside to see him with someone else? Would you terminate the friendship even though you are aware that you would be missing out on having one of the greatest people you have ever known in your life? What would everyone else do?

 

I honestly just don't know what to do. I don't know if friendship is possible if he chooses someone else. I'm afraid if we stop talking completely that he won't remember me.

Edited May 13, 2011 by cataclysmic.road