How we treat cheaters on this board

[love4me2c]

I'm seeing a common theme where someone comes here to ask for advice, they are the WS, and they get put through the ringer. I know many of us are hurting here, but this board isn't just for the BS. None of us are perfect individuals. I've been slowly acknowledging my own contributions to the demise of my marriage which assisted in my WH's infidelity. As much as we'd like to think it was all about the infidelity, it is much more than that.

 

Infidelity hurts both parties, the BS and the WS. This is a very hard time for everyone involved. If the WS comes here asking how to save their marriage, rather than putting them down, we should be helping them repair their marriage by sharing our experiences and feelings.

 

I know for many of us the feelings are raw and it is difficult, but the WS OPs are not YOUR WS so we should not take our anger out on them. I'm sure it is especially hard for some of us here where our WS did/does not return or show remorse. These aren't the WS we generally see on this board. Just like the compassion we show to BS, we should be showing it to the WS, too.

 

Everyone involved in infidelity is hurting. Attempting to punish/flame WS's here is not constructive. It feeds into the anger/pain we are feeling which is self destructive and not healing. I'm sure I'm not going to win many friends here by this post, but this board is to discuss infidelity, support each other, and provide constructive feedback not to break people down. Everyone is just trying to get through this the best they can.

[Owl]

I completely agree.

 

There's no value in taking your anger/hurt out on someone else on this board.

 

I will nearly always post advice to them to end the affair or the marriage...I never recommend that someone REMAIN in an affair...but it's my advice and support, and I generally try to do that respectfully and without attacking them personally.

 

The personal attacks, namecalling, etc... isn't going to do anything to help them change the situation or seek further help...on the contrary, it's likely to drive them away before they even get the advice to make those changes.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I'm seeing a common theme where someone comes here to ask for advice, they are the WS, and they get put through the ringer. I know many of us are hurting here, but this board isn't just for the BS. None of us are perfect individuals. I've been slowly acknowledging my own contributions to the demise of my marriage which assisted in my WH's infidelity. As much as we'd like to think it was all about the infidelity, it is much more than that.

 

Infidelity hurts both parties, the BS and the WS. This is a very hard time for everyone involved. If the WS comes here asking how to save their marriage, rather than putting them down, we should be helping them repair their marriage by sharing our experiences and feelings.

 

I know for many of us the feelings are raw and it is difficult, but the WS OPs are not YOUR WS so we should not take our anger out on them. I'm sure it is especially hard for some of us here where our WS did/does not return or show remorse. These aren't the WS we generally see on this board. Just like the compassion we show to BS, we should be showing it to the WS, too.

 

Everyone involved in infidelity is hurting. Attempting to punish/flame WS's here is not constructive. It feeds into the anger/pain we are feeling which is self destructive and not healing. I'm sure I'm not going to win many friends here by this post, but this board is to discuss infidelity, support each other, and provide constructive feedback not to break people down. Everyone is just trying to get through this the best they can.

 

 

I personally don't think that most of the WS's that come in here show compassion to their BS's or marriage to begin with..hence the reason for not showing any sort of compassion back. The stories I have read are basically justifying their reasons for cheating. Therefore...they arent looking for support on rebuilding their marriage anyhow. They are low and inconsiderate..and I would NEVER show someone like that compassion.

 

Some people just don't get it! If you aren't happy in your marriage..get out! Simple as that. Don't come on a forum and praise the OW/OM then expect compassion..give me a break. If the person is in fact remorseful then yes..they will get some constructive advise...not a lot but I know I would give them something positive to work with.

[Dust]

I'm seeing a common theme where someone comes here to ask for advice, they are the WS, and they get put through the ringer. I know many of us are hurting here, but this board isn't just for the BS. None of us are perfect individuals. I've been slowly acknowledging my own contributions to the demise of my marriage which assisted in my WH's infidelity. As much as we'd like to think it was all about the infidelity, it is much more than that.

 

A marriage certainly might end regardless of infidelity. It’s just truly nasty for a person to bring this level of dishonesty to a relationship. If things are that bad you should just leave not cheat. They hurt themselves when they cheat by compromising who they are and how they treat those closest to them.

 

Cheating especially if it involved sex is not something I think I could forgive in a relationship.

 

My advise to any cheaters would be to think of the drama they bring to their lives. Think of what they want for themselves out of life and the dishonest way they are acting.

 

 

Infidelity hurts both parties, the BS and the WS. This is a very hard time for everyone involved. If the WS comes here asking how to save their marriage, rather than putting them down, we should be helping them repair their marriage by sharing our experiences and feelings.

 

I know for many of us the feelings are raw and it is difficult, but the WS OPs are not YOUR WS so we should not take our anger out on them. I'm sure it is especially hard for some of us here where our WS did/does not return or show remorse. These aren't the WS we generally see on this board. Just like the compassion we show to BS, we should be showing it to the WS, too.

 

Everyone involved in infidelity is hurting. Attempting to punish/flame WS's here is not constructive. It feeds into the anger/pain we are feeling which is self destructive and not healing. I'm sure I'm not going to win many friends here by this post, but this board is to discuss infidelity, support each other, and provide constructive feedback not to break people down. Everyone is just trying to get through this the best they can.

 

 

I agree no point in getting angry or condemning them. At the same time I don’t believe in feeling sorry for a BS or WS. Many times BS and WS posters come in here with skewed logic and I’ll call foul when I see it.

[donnamaybe]

I personally don't think that most of the WS's that come in here show compassion to their BS's or marriage to begin with..hence the reason for not showing any sort of compassion back. The stories I have read are basically justifying their reasons for cheating. Therefore...they arent looking for support on rebuilding their marriage anyhow. They are low and inconsiderate..and I would NEVER show someone like that compassion.

That's exactly what I thought as well. I recall only one MM who came on here talking about letting his OW down gently so he could rebuild his M. The rest, especially as of late, have an "I'm a cheater, and I'm just fine with that - deal with it" sort of attitude.

[Dust]

That's exactly what I thought as well. I recall only one MM who came on here talking about letting his OW down gently so he could rebuild his M. The rest, especially as of late, have an "I'm a cheater, and I'm just fine with that - deal with it" sort of attitude.

 

It’s not even just that, they often come here acting like it all just happened to them. My spouse was mean. I was just being nice and abracadabra I was cheating not sure how that happened.

[What_Next]

Just read some of the introductions they often give, ME, ME, ME, ME. Heck more often than not after the first sentence you know what you are going to read. The same drivel, the same selfish, self serving nonesense.

 

What they need is a bloody big helping of REALITY. Some can handle that reality, some cannot. There have been a number of examples on this board whereby the cheater went through self examination and came back to reality. There are others where they perhaps come on here expecting a pat on the back or a cheering section encouraging the self destructive behavior. Some members here are quite good at that.

 

Name calling and being overly nasty, sure there is no need for that. The moderators of this fine board will also take care of that on their own.

[love4me2c]

Yes you all are right about what people "should have" done before they cheated. But by that point, "giving it to them" does nothing because we can no longer prevent the incident from occuring. Sure we have some people that come here and are wrestling with the right thing to do or even express how much they love the OM/OW. This is the fog we often talk about here. Being angry with people about what they did does not help them out of the fog.

 

It is often very hard for the WS because many times they want to "stop" but can't because of the fog. Or they say they "love" the OM/OW when really they love the high that comes from affairs. However, it is hard to recognize that when in the thick of things. I know this because, regrettably, I've been both a BS and a WS.

 

Bottom line, if you have nothing to offer but a tongue lashing to a WS because you are so angry about your own situation, then do not respond to the post. If you do post, there are more constructive ways to express that what they did was wrong/damaging. Share the BS perspective but in a constructive way. Inform them of the success rates for relationships born from infidelity (3% or less). Tell them the reality of the situation and how they are not thinking clearly. Tell them your experiences so they may be able to get out of the fog.

 

There is a book called "When Good People Have Affairs." That's right, they can actually be good people who made terrible mistakes. They have to live with that and live with it they will with or without our help.

[love4me2c]

Actually there is only one moderator for the entire site, I understand he is volunteer, only works part time and that he's sort of been MIA for while.

[donnamaybe]

Yes you all are right about what people "should have" done before they cheated. But by that point, "giving it to them" does nothing because we can no longer prevent the incident from occuring.

But for someone who says, "I'm happy lying to my spouse on a daily basis and screwing other (sometimes numerous) people on the side and potentially exposing my innocent BS to STD's," why do they come here at all?

 

Give it to them? You bet! Within the LS guidelines, of course.

[Darren Taylor]

Cheaters don't deserve sympathy. They don't deserve to be cursed out, abused, and made fun of. But, they need to be held accountable. Cheating on an SO is a conscious decision. It's not a mistake.

[sally4sara]

When no one has to stay in an elective (relationships are elective) situation that causes them pain, there is also no reason to cheat.

 

If you want to change your life and cannot change your current association for the better, you leave. If someone else is such a better fit for you and your well being, why would you keep the person who is a poor fit and a detriment to your well being?

 

Cheating is lazy. Betrayal is either a selfish act or one of revenge. So what is there to sympathize with?

[worlybear]

When no one has to stay in an elective (relationships are elective) situation that causes them pain, there is also no reason to cheat.

 

If you want to change your life and cannot change your current association for the better, you leave. If someone else is such a better fit for you and your well being, why would you keep the person who is a poor fit and a detriment to your well being?

 

Cheating is lazy. Betrayal is either a selfish act or one of revenge. So what is there to sympathize with?

 

Perfectly put! I wholly agree with this. If you don't want your relationship anymore then tell your partner!!!

[denise_xo]

I don't think the issue in the OP is essentially about what they deserve or not, or whether we should show sympathy. They may deserve nothing at all, but the main question for me (not only in this section of the board, but in general when someone asks for advice) is how you foster change in human beings. If you want to assist someone out of an affair, then you have to think about what will help that person change his/her behaviour. Personally I don't think name calling is a very effective way of fostering change, but constructive reality checks can be.

 

I am also of the opinion that I have no excuse not to show other people a basic level of respect. The fact that they don't show respect to their BS or anyone else in their lives, doesn't relieve me of this responsibility.

[donnamaybe]

Personally I don't think name calling is a very effective way of fostering change, but constructive reality checks can be.

Which would go hand-in-hand with the phrase "Within the LS guidelines, of course."

[whammy]

i think its to get the the WS to wake up and realize they have been sucky people that have been making horrible choices and they are hurting the people that love them in the worse way possible ON PURPOSE!!!!

 

 

 

and i hate hate HATE!!!! when people say "your not perfect either" "nobody is perfect"... like it is so hard to do the right thing and not destroy your spouses heart and life. dont blame shift because you have no courage to get out before you cheat. and make no mistake... telling your spouse how you feel and breaking up/ divorcing, instead of cheating, is the ONLY WAY to show your spouse that you respect them and value their journey through life. cheating on them is spitting in their face and laughing about it while you are in bed with someone else. so yes, I am perfect because I will never do a rotten thing to my spouse EVER!

[What_Next]

Bottom line, if you have nothing to offer but a tongue lashing to a WS because you are so angry about your own situation, then do not respond to the post.

 

Umm unless you moderate this board, and I know for a fact you don't then you have no right to tell ANYONE how or what to post. Get off your high horse.

[LilyBart]

Umm unless you moderate this board, and I know for a fact you don't then you have no right to tell ANYONE how or what to post. Get off your high horse.

 

Uh, unless you haven't been around to get the memo, this is a PUBLIC FORUM and ANYBODY can post their opinions within the TOS. You don't have to agree with them.

[ladydesigner]

Yes you all are right about what people "should have" done before they cheated. But by that point, "giving it to them" does nothing because we can no longer prevent the incident from occuring. Sure we have some people that come here and are wrestling with the right thing to do or even express how much they love the OM/OW. This is the fog we often talk about here. Being angry with people about what they did does not help them out of the fog.

 

It is often very hard for the WS because many times they want to "stop" but can't because of the fog. Or they say they "love" the OM/OW when really they love the high that comes from affairs. However, it is hard to recognize that when in the thick of things. I know this because, regrettably, I've been both a BS and a WS.

 

Bottom line, if you have nothing to offer but a tongue lashing to a WS because you are so angry about your own situation, then do not respond to the post. If you do post, there are more constructive ways to express that what they did was wrong/damaging. Share the BS perspective but in a constructive way. Inform them of the success rates for relationships born from infidelity (3% or less). Tell them the reality of the situation and how they are not thinking clearly. Tell them your experiences so they may be able to get out of the fog.

 

There is a book called "When Good People Have Affairs." That's right, they can actually be good people who made terrible mistakes. They have to live with that and live with it they will with or without our help.

 

Thanks for this thread love4me2c. I think the bolded is why a lot of WS's would initially post and other times I think they feel this forum is to express why they want to commit infidelity or have been unfaithful. I don't think many realize much of this forum is also BS needing support and help on how to deal with infidelity.

 

I personally can take the attacks and not let it get under my skin, other times not so much. I have also been a BS and a WS so I can understand both sides of the equation.

 

PortuguesePrincess80 is right when she says many come on here with the me me me and that is exactly what it is all about the cheater. I believe most WS are me me me until they dig deeper in realizing how selfish the act was. I know for one I didn't realize how selfish I was. I thought I was getting even, but it was still even for "ME" still selfish.

 

There is a lot to learn from this board being a WS and also from the OW/OM board. It has helped me tremendously and I love reading everyone's posts even if they are hard to swallow. I can empathize with most here and learn from most here.

[Woggle]

Sometimes I think cheaters come on here and want to be coddled and have a cheering section. The selfishness and entitlement is just unbelievable.

[ladydesigner]

Just curious...

 

At what point is a cheater deserving of receiving help? What if a cheater honestly wants help?

 

It seems many on here would just assume they are not deserving of any help at all hence the bashing.

[Woggle]

Just curious...

 

At what point is a cheater deserving of receiving help? What if a cheater honestly wants help?

 

It seems many on here would just assume they are not deserving of any help at all hence the bashing.

 

When they genuine remorse over what they do. When they feel entitled to lie to and betray the people who trust them then I have no regard for them.

[donnamaybe]

When they feel entitled to lie to and betray the people who trust them then I have no regard for them.

Yep. This is the issue for me as well.

[Dust]

Just curious...

 

At what point is a cheater deserving of receiving help? What if a cheater honestly wants help?

 

It seems many on here would just assume they are not deserving of any help at all hence the bashing.

 

I agree they shouldn’t be vilified or demonized. At the same time they are doing something greatly destructive to their own life as well as causing potential drama in the life of many others.

 

When the typical person comes on here and tells a story of course we are going to disparage the actions.

[newoman]

I'm very new here. I'm the WS. I came on here originally to get support to help me cope with continuing my affair. After reading all the replies to my OP, I realized I want to change my ways. I was only scared off when I was in "the fog". I think staying in the guidelines are good. Thanks, everyone, so far! Don't give up on people like me that have f'ed up our lives so bad!