How we treat cheaters on this board

[tami-chan]

I am also of the opinion that I have no excuse not to show other people a basic level of respect. The fact that they don't show respect to their BS or anyone else in their lives, doesn't relieve me of this responsibility.

 

Exactly. Personally, I wish that we would just stay on topic and respond to the "issues" or what not that the original poster raised. But instead we find ourselves just making snide, smart-@$$ and/or sarcastic comments when the poster is expressing something that we frown on. I know that when I see a response that is a non-response but instead a dig to the OP -it gets me going. I end up responding to the non-response response!!!! and so on and so forth.

 

So let's say someone is happy with their affair and wants to know if there are other people who are in the same boat-those people who just cannot stomach this kind of behavior should not respond. BUT most of us are so arrogant to actually take it upon ourselves to say something (albeit off-topic) to make the other person "see" the light or (usually) chastise, berate or shame them.

 

When they genuine remorse over what they do. When they feel entitled to lie to and betray the people who trust them then I have no regard for them.

 

Interesting. How can you REALLY tell if someone is genuine or not, based on typed words in an anonymous forum? That said, why then do you still respond to posters you have no regard for? What is your point?

 

Yep. This is the issue for me as well.

So why even bother to respond? Because it IS a PUBLIC forum and you can do whatever you want? ....

[Woggle]

If you ask me a cheater should lose all rights to alimony or any support. A BS should not have to support the person that betrayed them.

[bentnotbroken]

If you ask me a cheater should lose all rights to alimony or any support. A BS should not have to support the person that betrayed them.

 

 

I think I agree with you on this.

[tami-chan]

Happy people don't have affairs. Your premise is false. Arguing from false premises doesn't lead to a sound conclusion.

 

Perhaps they are unhappy with their marriage and are happy with their affair? Are you going to say that is not possible? Your statement above is simplistic.

[tami-chan]

What I don't get is how cheaters can be so over-sensitive when it comes to getting some criticism on an internet message board, yet so insensitive in their own lives as to cheat in the first place.

 

Someone please explain that? Thanks.

 

Nobody bashes a betrayed spouse and that is understandable-so what's there to be sensitive about when most if not everybody is being solicitous and understanding?

 

What is so difficult to understand?

[Fugu]

I think that the treatment of cheaters here is a reflection of the pain that betrayed partners feel. It's a way for them to strike out at people who've hurt them, albeit indirectly. I wouldn't - and don't - take it too seriously or personally. I guess you have to take the good with the bad when disclosing indiscretions on the net. The good is, nobody knows who you are; the bad is, you don't know who's going to respond and what they're going to say.

 

Personally, even though I generally disapprove of it, I think there is some potential good that can come out of the cyber-lashings. In a way, it's probably good that someone who's in an affair - especially if they haven't disclosed it to their partner yet - can get a sense for what kind of pain they're going to cause. I get the feeling many times that 'cheaters' aren't always realistic about the emotional aftermath, which is one reason they get into affairs to begin with. They make a lot of assumptions. They assume that their partner's too busy to find out, too busy to care. They assume that they'll be able to explain themselves and that their partner will eventually understand somehow. Assumptions are dangerous. So in a way, the reaction can be a reality check.

 

Nevertheless, as I have said before, I think those doling out the verbal beatings could probably do so with a little more class. Even in affairs, there are always two sides to every story.

[tami-chan]

This thread isn't talking about anyone bashing betrayed spouses (although obviously there are some who do just that).

 

I'm not sure why you even brought this up. It's not really pertinent to the thread discussion.

 

You said something to the effect of cheaters being "so sensitive" about things said here on the forum...I responded by saying, well of course, "cheaters" are the only ones who usually get bashed on these forums...betrayed spouses get a lot of sympathy-and understandably so- so what would they be "sensitive" about? By "sensitive", I am sure you mean "get their feelings hurt", right? So really, how can anyone have their feelings hurt on these forums if people are sympathetic and understanding and giving virtual hugs..hmmm? as oppose to those who (the cheaters) get a lot criticism, berating, etc.etc?

 

Is it not quite silly that you even have to wonder why the cheaters are "so sensitive" here? Anyhoo, I am sorry that you cannot even seem to follow your own own argument;), but wutevs:rolleyes:.

[tami-chan]

I think that the treatment of cheaters here is a reflection of the pain that betrayed partners feel. It's a way for them to strike out at people who've hurt them, albeit indirectly.

 

Exactly, so let's just cut the cr@p and stop denying that fact. Projection is alive and well on these forums.

 

Personally, even though I generally disapprove of it, I think there is some potential good that can come out of the cyber-lashings.

 

You are you saying that it is alright to be abusive on the net? Do you not think that people should be able to control their emotions and nip that abusive streak even though they are "unseen"? There is value in being consistent, you know? Abuse is abuse is abuse.

 

In a way, it's probably good that someone who's in an affair - especially if they haven't disclosed it to their partner yet - can get a sense for what kind of pain they're going to cause. I get the feeling many times that 'cheaters' aren't always realistic about the emotional aftermath, which is one reason they get into affairs to begin with. They make a lot of assumptions. They assume that their partner's too busy to find out, too busy to care. They assume that they'll be able to explain themselves and that their partner will eventually understand somehow. Assumptions are dangerous. So in a way, the reaction can be a reality check.

 

I get this and I agree, but only a few have the gift to communicate such pain. Many are just projecting their angry and yes, I am going to say it- bitterness.

[tami-chan]

Actually you are very difficult to understand, and I believe that must be a function of English not being your first language.

 

..Oh I see, that's a pretty lame comeback, this from someone who can't even follow his own argument .

 

Next you will talk about how the Japanese deserved the recent tsunami-know your kind too wel, unfortunatelyl...

[tami-chan]

Perhaps.

 

I think you missed the point of my post, which was simply to point out the other poster's reliance on a false premise.

 

why is it false? just because it is not your experience? too silly.

[tami-chan]

I suppose it's possible that your disjointed manner of expressing yourself is multi-lingual. But I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. Since you don't post in Japanese, and I can't read it even if you did, I'm not in a position to say whether the problem is a multi-lingual one.

 

 

 

No, the very next thing I will say is that your manner of expressing yourself is still disjointed.

 

..riiight:lmao:~~~ darn and I thought Pinocchio was only a fairy tale.

[tami-chan]

Since I have never cheated, I have not personally experienced the unhappiness that cheaters experience. Nevertheless, I perceive that cheaters are unhappy people.

 

So, it is false, but not based on my personal experience.

 

Like I said, they may be unhappy in their marriages ( or affairs),but they might not be particularly unhappy in general. But yes, the key word is PERCEPTION. It might not really be truth just because you believe it is true.

[jsb58]

There is a book called "When Good People Have Affairs."

LOL. Just because someone writes a book to sell, doesn't mean they are right.

[nyrias]

My take is this.

 

Cheaters may have their own psychological problems. Putting them down will not help them.

 

Many here put them down because of their own painful experience, or a their general moral orientation (which prompts me to ask .. everyone who is on such high horses has never told a lie, or hid a truth before?)

 

Thus, cheaters, if they really want help, should seek professional counselors, who are supposed to be professional, neutral and not involved emotionally. I would be very cautious to seek advice from anonymous people on a forum who obviously have their own biases, and agenda.

 

It is ok to bash cheaters since on the Internet, anything goes. However, if I were a cheater, I don't think taking advise from someone like that would be very wise.

[John Michael Kane]

You had an unhappy marriage. Are you saying your life was happy and your unhappy marriage didn't affect that?

 

O.K. whatev.

 

Don't worry. Just one of the many people that continually try to justify cheating.

[tami-chan]

You had an unhappy marriage. Are you saying your life was happy and your unhappy marriage didn't affect that?

 

O.K. whatev.

 

I had an unhappy marriage,you are right, but I didn't stay unhappy. I re-defined what the marriage meant to me and was happy with how I handled the fall-out of his cheating and happier, still, that I was able to recognize that my happiness is not dependent upon the actions of one (cheating ) person.

 

Sorry, I did not fit in the box you have assigned me to...must be a disappointment to you.

[tami-chan]

Don't worry. Just one of the many people that continually try to justify cheating.

 

I do not need to justify my cheating...I cheated because I could.

[Lecturer]

I'm a bit saddened by the hard-line approach, by some people here, that cheaters are pure scum not to be given any compassion. The fact is, almost everyone has done things that are selfish and hurtful to others, yet, because some of those people aren't coming out and admitting to those things, people are willing to show them compassion. Then you have a cheater admit to their negative behaviour, and they are to be crucified?

 

If there is something I've learned in this life it is that everyone has their reasons for doing what they do and acting how they act. Maybe it takes having someone you love hurt you, and then working to forgive them - forcing you to see the big picture. I mean, when I was 7 my mother stole the money in my bank account and ran off, leaving my sister and I. For years prior she'd disappear when my bday would come around. On the surface, we can see that and judge her harshly for her actions, but of course this would be in ignorance of the fact that she was an incest survivor, and grew up on the streets and in institutions - that she had substance abuse issues that this brought on. That her psyche couldn't handle certain things, and something had to give. Once we realize this, our judgement changes to that of having more compassion (mine does at least).

 

So, when all I know is that someone is a cheater, I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt and know that there IS a reason, and that - chances are - it's not because they are evil. Too often humans want to categorize and segment others - Johnny is a hero, Sally is evil. That isn't reality... that's the easy and lazy way of looking at life.

 

Amusingly, just about every cheater seems to also say that until they actually cheated, they'd never imagine themselves cheating. Many had even been cheated on in the past! No doubt they judged cheaters harshly, too, prior to their own infidelity. Only then might they realize the complexity of life, and change how they judge others. But how inefficient, isn't it, to require everyone to have to actually BE IN THE SITUATION before they'll see things with a wider perspective, with more understanding, and with more compassion. If we never try to see things from another point of view (or at least give the benefit of the doubt) until we're actually in the other's situation, we will never make much progress as a society, and we'll always be alone to a certain degree... never truly understanding one another.

[John Michael Kane]

I do not need to justify my cheating...I cheated because I could.

 

You're trying to justify it now, which shows your immaturity.

[confusedinkansas]

Most of you really didn't even read what I wrote at all. Some of you picked out specific sentances and responded to those without the context of the entire post. Go ahead and keep that hate in your heart going.. feels good doesn't it? I'm done.

 

This is exactly why there is so much crapola slung in this forum.

BS's read a line here & a line there. They mis-interpret & read between the lines what they think is the truth - Instead of reading posts as they are written. Then they post as if you are the one that has wronged them.

Happens all the time!

 

 

If a WS comes here & posts without spending time reading first they are setting themselves up to get their feelings hurt.

(Although the

Have A Cookie

comment.....a bit childish - but ok)

[Fugu]

You're trying to justify it now, which shows your immaturity.

 

I don't know if she's justifying it. In fact, I get the sense she really doesn't care what you think or how you feel about it.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

This is exactly why there is so much crapola slung in this forum.

BS's read a line here & a line there. They mis-interpret & read between the lines what they think is the truth - Instead of reading posts as they are written. Then they post as if you are the one that has wronged them.

Happens all the time!

 

 

If a WS comes here & posts without spending time reading first they are setting themselves up to get their feelings hurt.

(Although the comment.....a bit childish - but ok)

 

Sounds like a jab at BS'S but anyhoooooooo.....why don't YOU then explain what you "think" the truth is??????

[Mimolicious]

Agreed with this. What advice to you really seek when you write "please guide me in staying with my husband and highschool sweetheart" ??? Like seriously..how far is your head up your ass?

 

 

Yep! That was def classic!

 

What I don't get is how cheaters can be so over-sensitive when it comes to getting some criticism on an internet message board, yet so insensitive in their own lives as to cheat in the first place.

 

Someone please explain that? Thanks.

 

Please cc me on the explanation because I don't get it either.

 

In reality, the world is not one-size fits all. Not every mind is alike, therefore opinions, ideals, etc are not going to be all of the same flavor. That would be kinda boring and with little essence if we all said "Yippie! That's nice that you are not taking the time out to sort out your REAL issues and address them as an adult". If people were to take the same time and energy that they put into cheating, lying and plotting, to sort out their internal insecurities and pin-point the core of the problem, we would save ourselves tons of dramz...

 

I mean, let's be for real. From the top of your head, count how many people come here that REALLY are in a "good place". Umm....

Ok, I get it that an A gives you this thrilling feeling and that it is amazing to find someone to make you go bonkas, because your S is just a piece of waste, (insert record scratch noise here) then music stops when shyte hits the fan. Not fun anymore and the "band-aid" becomes the source of pain. Nice! Tsk, tsk, tsk...

 

Something that I wont patronize my son doing, I wouldn't make exceptions for strangers. Sorry.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Yep! That was def classic!

 

 

 

Please cc me on the explanation because I don't get it either.

 

In reality, the world is not one-size fits all. Not every mind is alike, therefore opinions, ideals, etc are not going to be all of the same flavor. That would be kinda boring and with little essence if we all said "Yippie! That's nice that you are not taking the time out to sort out your REAL issues and address them as an adult". If people were to take the same time and energy that they put into cheating, lying and plotting, to sort out their internal insecurities and pin-point the core of the problem, we would save ourselves tons of dramz...

 

I mean, let's be for real. From the top of your head, count how many people come here that REALLY are in a "good place". Umm....

Ok, I get it that an A gives you this thrilling feeling and that it is amazing to find someone to make you go bonkas, because your S is just a piece of waste, (insert record scratch noise here) then music stops when shyte hits the fan. Not fun anymore and the "band-aid" becomes the source of pain. Nice! Tsk, tsk, tsk...

 

Something that I wont patronize my son doing, I wouldn't make exceptions for strangers. Sorry.

 

 

Very well put...not only that!! Put the OP divorced their own ws because of his cheating...I think this thread is truly hilarious to begin with. Oh but right..she has mentioned that she did things in the marriage that led up to his cheating?????

 

Seriously...everyone has probs in life in general..at work, in a marriage..kids and so on. Doesn't validate or justify the cheating...period! Its all about choices, character and lack of tons of crap in that person..thats it! They were selfish enough to cheat,...so why should we have sympathy for them? Give me a break and get real!

[donnamaybe]

Yep! That was def classic!

 

 

 

Please cc me on the explanation because I don't get it either.

 

In reality, the world is not one-size fits all. Not every mind is alike, therefore opinions, ideals, etc are not going to be all of the same flavor. That would be kinda boring and with little essence if we all said "Yippie! That's nice that you are not taking the time out to sort out your REAL issues and address them as an adult". If people were to take the same time and energy that they put into cheating, lying and plotting, to sort out their internal insecurities and pin-point the core of the problem, we would save ourselves tons of dramz...

 

I mean, let's be for real. From the top of your head, count how many people come here that REALLY are in a "good place". Umm....

Ok, I get it that an A gives you this thrilling feeling and that it is amazing to find someone to make you go bonkas, because your S is just a piece of waste, (insert record scratch noise here) then music stops when shyte hits the fan. Not fun anymore and the "band-aid" becomes the source of pain. Nice! Tsk, tsk, tsk...

 

Something that I wont patronize my son doing, I wouldn't make exceptions for strangers. Sorry.

Great post as always, Mimo!