How we treat cheaters on this board

[plasma]

cheaters must die !

[bentnotbroken]

Like I said, if the harassment is really is still going on - it should be handled legally. I'm sure after 20 years, with all the "proof" collected any judge would be willing to grant a restraining order.

 

 

I don't know the legal avenues in your state nor in Thomas', but in the state I live in a RO is as easy to obtain as a man giving birth and has as much power as gnat on an elephants azz.

[thomasb]

Lily, I hadn't thought about it for years until I ran across this board. And I discuss it here only. Because the subject matter is what... oh yeah, affairs.

I had the affair in my very eary 20s. I'm forty now. It is all ancient history now. No longer any part of my life or marriage. Except here, ... because the subject matter here is... affairs... get it. And it is an interesting subject to me and most other people also. Exactly why affairs make the news. Like watching a trainwreck. You hate to see the destruction caused, but you can't move your gaze away! But, if my words stop or prevent even one affair, I've done my best.

[bentnotbroken]

cheaters must die !

 

 

Over the top don't you think.

[confusedinkansas]

We completely agree there are things that are as destructive to marriage as infidelity...but I don't understand your point^^^^. Choosing an affair (no matter it's origins) is still the choice of one person. If it were by consensus then there would be no need for the lying and secrecy. Yes......VERY True!

 

Yes the decision of an affair is ONE persons decision.

 

So was my husband's decision to sit in a bar every single afternoon for a year & get sloshed. Even though he knew that I hated it - that it was distructive not only to his health but to the marriage. HE (One Person) Made that decision. Not only did he do this, he lied about it - time after time after time. Until a friend of mine saw him in a bar one afternoon. Took a picture of my husband car parked right under the bar sign. Forwarded it to me on my cell. I called my husband he claimed he was somewhere else. I sent the picture to him & he STILL lied about it. Said it was someone elses car in front of the bar...........

Anyway..........I digress.............My point is

There are LOTS of different things that are just as damaging to a marriage as infidelity.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes the decision of an affair is ONE persons decision.

 

So was my husband's decision to sit in a bar every single afternoon for a year & get sloshed. Even though he knew that I hated it - that it was distructive not only to his health but to the marriage. HE (One Person) Made that decision. Not only did he do this, he lied about it - time after time after time. Until a friend of mine saw him in a bar one afternoon. Took a picture of my husband car parked right under the bar sign. Forwarded it to me on my cell. I called my husband he claimed he was somewhere else. I sent the picture to him & he STILL lied about it. Said it was someone elses car in front of the bar...........

Anyway..........I digress.............My point is

There are LOTS of different things that are just as damaging to a marriage as infidelity.

 

 

Again, we agree there are a lot of things that kill a marriage. I grew up the child of an alcoholic, so you are preaching to the choir. And I stand by my statement that we each should on our choices in the marriage for the it's issues and the person who chose to cheat owns that....alone.

[thomasb]

Yes the decision of an affair is ONE persons decision.

 

So was my husband's decision to sit in a bar every single afternoon for a year & get sloshed. Even though he knew that I hated it - that it was distructive not only to his health but to the marriage. HE (One Person) Made that decision. Not only did he do this, he lied about it - time after time after time. Until a friend of mine saw him in a bar one afternoon. Took a picture of my husband car parked right under the bar sign. Forwarded it to me on my cell. I called my husband he claimed he was somewhere else. I sent the picture to him & he STILL lied about it. Said it was someone elses car in front of the bar...........

Anyway..........I digress.............My point is

There are LOTS of different things that are just as damaging to a marriage as infidelity.

 

Then get a divorce. Easy, peasy.

[confusedinkansas]

Then get a divorce. Easy, peasy.

 

Yeah.........Easy, Peasy!

 

Thomas - you had an affair too......no need in being flip or judgemental.

 

Yes, HE made a bad decision (s) & so did I.

No it's not tit-for-tat...

It happened - it is what it is - & it's in the past.

 

Thankfully after a 18 month separation & another 2 years under our belt We're Much Better. Fabulous actually.

[confusedinkansas]

Again, we agree there are a lot of things that kill a marriage. I grew up the child of an alcoholic, so you are preaching to the choir. And I stand by my statement that we each should on our choices in the marriage for the it's issues and the person who chose to cheat owns that....alone.

 

I do get what you're saying.

 

I own the fact that I chose to cheat at a bad time in my marriage.

 

It doesn't however, mean that the other person (spouse) wasn't a contributing factor to the decision.

[donnamaybe]

I do get what you're saying.

 

I own the fact that I chose to cheat at a bad time in my marriage.

 

It doesn't however, mean that the other person (spouse) wasn't a contributing factor to the decision.

You asked him first what he thought about it?

[donnamaybe]

Yeah.........Easy, Peasy!

 

Thomas - you had an affair too......no need in being flip or judgemental.

Thing is, Thomas doesn't blame his W for his cheating.

 

 

Thankfully after a 18 month separation & another 2 years under our belt We're Much Better. Fabulous actually.

GOOD! I'm happy for you!!

[What_Next]

Amen Thomas, amen.

 

My wife was unhappy, there is no question of that. Hell so was I. Neither of us did anything that worked to fix our own happiness. She and she ALONE chose to have the affair. This was HER CHOICE. Not mine.

 

We BOTH (yes both) contributed to the environment that lead to the possibility for the affair to occur. However, SHE crossed that boundary. Not me. SHE has to live with HER decisions, NOT ME.

 

I know, I know I sound like a broken record here, but that is my thought on the matter. I take full responsibility for my part of the place we ended up in our marriage, but I take NO, ZERO, ZLITCH, NADDA responsibility for HER affair. That is on her.

 

CIK, the way your husband acted was totally unacceptable, he obviously had an addiction problem. The way you acted was totally unacceptable (well to most of us anyway). You project a share of the blame for your affair onto him, do you do the same with his issues?

[bentnotbroken]

I do get what you're saying.

 

I own the fact that I chose to cheat at a bad time in my marriage.

 

It doesn't however, mean that the other person (spouse) wasn't a contributing factor to the decision.

 

 

The economy, the children, the time of year all can be contributing factors (in our own justifications)for whatever we do. His drinking for you is your excuse, for all you know(don't know if it is true or not, basing it only on what my father used to say)you were the reason he drank because you weren't giving him what he needed. Could some of the things you did cause him to drink? See how that logic sucks? There are no contributing factors because the world and the people in it are not perfect and are always going to disappoint us in some way or another.

 

We just use excuses to cloak our poor choices and only we will answer for them and I don't think it we will be asked who else is at fault for your(our) choices.

[bentnotbroken]

Amen Thomas, amen.

 

My wife was unhappy, there is no question of that. Hell so was I. Neither of us did anything that worked to fix our own happiness. She and she ALONE chose to have the affair. This was HER CHOICE. Not mine.

 

We BOTH (yes both) contributed to the environment that lead to the possibility for the affair to occur. However, SHE crossed that boundary. Not me. SHE has to live with HER decisions, NOT ME.

 

I know, I know I sound like a broken record here, but that is my thought on the matter. I take full responsibility for my part of the place we ended up in our marriage, but I take NO, ZERO, ZLITCH, NADDA responsibility for HER affair. That is on her.

 

CIK, the way your husband acted was totally unacceptable, he obviously had an addiction problem. The way you acted was totally unacceptable (well to most of us anyway). You project a share of the blame for your affair onto him, do you do the same with his issues?

 

 

This is my thought also.

[donnamaybe]

CIK, the way your husband acted was totally unacceptable, he obviously had an addiction problem. The way you acted was totally unacceptable (well to most of us anyway). You project a share of the blame for your affair onto him, do you do the same with his issues?

Good point. If he is partially to blame for the cheating, she must be partially to blame for his stopping at the bar every night. Which, by the way, I don't believe. It just stands to reason that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander."

[thomasb]

Amen Thomas, amen.

 

My wife was unhappy, there is no question of that. Hell so was I. Neither of us did anything that worked to fix our own happiness. She and she ALONE chose to have the affair. This was HER CHOICE. Not mine.

 

We BOTH (yes both) contributed to the environment that lead to the possibility for the affair to occur. However, SHE crossed that boundary. Not me. SHE has to live with HER decisions, NOT ME.

 

I know, I know I sound like a broken record here, but that is my thought on the matter. I take full responsibility for my part of the place we ended up in our marriage, but I take NO, ZERO, ZLITCH, NADDA responsibility for HER affair. That is on her.

 

QUOTE]

 

I've made this point innumerable times here also. There is no fault to be rested on the shoulders of the betrayed. My marriage was wonderful. After I cheated is when we almost fell apart. Thank God we were able to recover. (The environment involved with me was excessive alcohol, still no excuse! Just an explaination!)

[LifesontheUp]

Yes the decision of an affair is ONE persons decision.

 

So was my husband's decision to sit in a bar every single afternoon for a year & get sloshed. Even though he knew that I hated it - that it was distructive not only to his health but to the marriage. HE (One Person) Made that decision. Not only did he do this, he lied about it - time after time after time. Until a friend of mine saw him in a bar one afternoon. Took a picture of my husband car parked right under the bar sign. Forwarded it to me on my cell. I called my husband he claimed he was somewhere else. I sent the picture to him & he STILL lied about it. Said it was someone elses car in front of the bar...........

Anyway..........I digress.............My point is

There are LOTS of different things that are just as damaging to a marriage as infidelity.

 

So do you take blame for your husband being an alcoholic CIK? After all you come across as blaming him for your affair. So is it then fair to say that his alcohol problem is because of you?

 

Where I come from, we are all responsible for our OWN actions.

[confusedinkansas]

CIK, the way your husband acted was totally unacceptable, he obviously had an addiction problem. The way you acted was totally unacceptable (well to most of us anyway). You project a share of the blame for your affair onto him, do you do the same with his issues?

 

Absolutely - my actions were unacceptable & his were too. We would be the poster children for 'What Not To Do'

 

Good point. If he is partially to blame for the cheating, she must be partially to blame for his stopping at the bar every night. Which, by the way, I don't believe. It just stands to reason that "what's good for the goose is good for the gander."

 

Think about it Donna. When someone chooses something like alcohol to self medicate - Why do you think they do that?

It's an escape mechanism. He would pass out & therefore not have to deal with me in the evenings.

If he didn't drink enough to pass out I'd obviously be furious at him. Yes, there were shouting matches & then some. So.......yep. I'm to blame for a portion of that choice that he made. - Without asking me if it was OK.

 

I am responsible for the choice I made

He is responsible for the choice he made

 

We BOTH are to blame for what happened that lead up to both of our choices. Therefore, we share responsibility for the end results.

[confusedinkansas]

Absolutely - my actions were unacceptable & his were too. We would be the poster children for 'What Not To Do'

 

 

 

Think about it Donna. When someone chooses something like alcohol to self medicate - Why do you think they do that?

It's an escape mechanism. He would pass out & therefore not have to deal with me in the evenings.

If he didn't drink enough to pass out I'd obviously be furious at him. Yes, there were shouting matches & then some. So.......yep. I'm to blame for a portion of that choice that he made. - Without asking me if it was OK.

 

I am responsible for the choice I made

He is responsible for the choice he made

 

We BOTH are to blame for what happened that lead up to both of our choices. Therefore, we share responsibility for the end results.

 

I don't BLAME him for the actual affair. We share blame for what lead up to the choice that was made. --- & visa versa.

[donnamaybe]

Think about it Donna. When someone chooses something like alcohol to self medicate - Why do you think they do that?

It's an escape mechanism. He would pass out & therefore not have to deal with me in the evenings.

And if the alcoholic drinks no matter WHO he/she is partnered up with? Who then gets the partial blame? I can say I would blame myself for BEING with an alcoholic if I chose not to leave, but I would in no way, shape, or form accept responsibility for them tipping up the bottle on a daily basis.

[confusedinkansas]

Not really sure what the heck happened with that last post. I tried to delete it. Sorry folks

[bentnotbroken]

Absolutely - my actions were unacceptable & his were too. We would be the poster children for 'What Not To Do'

 

 

 

Think about it Donna. When someone chooses something like alcohol to self medicate - Why do you think they do that?

It's an escape mechanism. He would pass out & therefore not have to deal with me in the evenings.

If he didn't drink enough to pass out I'd obviously be furious at him. Yes, there were shouting matches & then some. So.......yep. I'm to blame for a portion of that choice that he made. - Without asking me if it was OK.

 

I am responsible for the choice I made

He is responsible for the choice he made

 

We BOTH are to blame for what happened that lead up to both of our choices. Therefore, we share responsibility for the end results.

 

 

I think at different points in our lives, most of us could be poster children for what not to do...for what ever the issue is:o. We have had this conversation before and again...we end it with an agreement to disagree about justifications. Thanks for the civil back and forth.

[LifesontheUp]

And if the alcoholic drinks no matter WHO he/she is partnered up with? Who then gets the partial blame? I can say I would blame myself for BEING with an alcoholic if I chose not to leave, but I would in no way, shape, or form accept responsibility for them tipping up the bottle on a daily basis.

 

Read here over and over that the "behaviour" of the BS is what lead to the WS having an affair. So I'm saying that using that justification the "behaviour" of CIK is what led to her husband drinking.

[confusedinkansas]

Read here over and over that the "behaviour" of the BS is what lead to the WS having an affair. So I'm saying that using that justification the "behaviour" of CIK is what led to her husband drinking.

 

Quite possibly. Frankly, his drinking, the affair & other things I'm not going to get into here happened pretty simultaneously.

Because it was years ago I couldn't really put a timeline on any of it.

 

A BS will always think/say that when a WS tells the story of what happened that lead up to the affair.....We're justifying. We're really not. We're merely telling how & what happened.

 

Thanks for the civil back and forth.

You too. Yes we will disagree. But that's what makes the world go around. All of us being different people with different points of view.

[LifesontheUp]

Quite possibly. Frankly, his drinking, the affair & other things I'm not going to get into here happened pretty simultaneously.

Because it was years ago I couldn't really put a timeline on any of it.

 

A BS will always think/say that when a WS tells the story of what happened that lead up to the affair.....We're justifying. We're really not. We're merely telling how & what happened.

 

You too. Yes we will disagree. But that's what makes the world go around. All of us being different people with different points of view.

 

Thanks for replying CIK.

 

Sorry but I will need to disagree too as I still see it as justification.

 

You see, I have a bad day at work and go for some drinks after to try and relax/forget. I then get in my car drunk and knock someone over. I can't say that it was because I had a bad day at work. I have to take responsibility and own up that I made the decision to get in the car drunk. Whatever happened before, is not the reason I got into the car drunk. Same follows for having an affair in my eyes.