How we treat cheaters on this board

[donnamaybe]

I don't agree. I think they receive what they deserve. Period. They need to develop a thick skin and defend themselves if they feel it necessary.

 

I also do appreciate those BS that do stick around and become involved with LS, especially those like Janey and Thomasb etc. CIK, my opinion on this person is well known. I'll leave it at that.

I have to agree with this. It's how they present themselves and their situation that dictates how people view them, thus, how they are treated.

[bentnotbroken]

Actually I totally agree with this, and that's the point, as in a lot of these situations. Except for someone to realize that, they have to go step by step and hopefully reach their own conclusion. It's difficult on a board like this to get there because there are so many "peanut gallery" type responses that interfere with a serious conversation.

 

But you're right, the indirect point I was trying to make is that there IS no stated reason for the affair deriving out of the marriage or the husband's overt actions. This implies that's it all something "inner" specific to the cheater.

 

However rather than simply assuming that's a correct interpretation, I asked for the clarification. Maybe there is something specific there--who knows?--alcoholism, abuse, not excuses for the affair, but perhaps part of the motivation--and if she doesn't want to talk about it, fine. The person has to be able to really look within to try to figure it out rather than looking outside themselves.

 

Knowing that Janey's father cheated on her mother for four years, this wasn't disclosed to her adulthood, they come from a religious background...it wouldn't be completely impossible that in marrying her husband, she probably chose someone a lot like her father, and her affair is some kind of delayed reaction or displacement as a result of finding out about her father's affair. She wasn't really cheating on her husband, she was getting back at her father. But then again maybe not.

 

Most people choose someone with qualities of their opposite sex parent. It isn't just confined to religious background. This could be the same with anything in our backgrounds. Sometimes the specifics can't be handled right away. If she is moving toward healing and dealing with things as she goes...all is good. And I speak as a member of the peanut gallery.

[What_Next]

I have to agree with this. It's how they present themselves and their situation that dictates how people view them, thus, how they are treated.

 

Precisely. I admit my back gets up right from the word GO with any cheater, but I can be objective and judge each case all on it's own. Given that I have seen both sides of the fence on this issue in particular. However, if you combine a cheater with a smug/self serving attitude (I can think of one poster that comes to mind ) then I'll hit them with both barrels. If they don't like it, too bloody bad. As long as I adhere to the rules of this forum that is.

 

I suppose I am still shocked when I read the posts where cheaters justify, blameshift and even worse.

[ladydesigner]

Actually I totally agree with this, and that's the point, as in a lot of these situations. Except for someone to realize that, they have to go step by step and hopefully reach their own conclusion. It's difficult on a board like this to get there because there are so many "peanut gallery" type responses that interfere with a serious conversation.

 

But you're right, the indirect point I was trying to make is that there IS no stated reason for the affair deriving out of the marriage or the husband's overt actions. This implies that's it all something "inner" specific to the cheater.

 

However rather than simply assuming that's a correct interpretation, I asked for the clarification. Maybe there is something specific there--who knows?--alcoholism, abuse, not excuses for the affair, but perhaps part of the motivation--and if she doesn't want to talk about it, fine. The person has to be able to really look within to try to figure it out rather than looking outside themselves.

 

Knowing that Janey's father cheated on her mother for four years, this wasn't disclosed to her adulthood, they come from a religious background...it wouldn't be completely impossible that in marrying her husband, she probably chose someone a lot like her father, and her affair is some kind of delayed reaction or displacement as a result of finding out about her father's affair. She wasn't really cheating on her husband, she was getting back at her father. But then again maybe not.

 

Garrgoil this was a very insightful post for me. My mother had cheated on my father multiple times. I also had a very distant and unemotional father. Every man I have every picked including my H has been emotionally unavailable. After my H had his A's, I think most not ALL BS have a thought of evening the score. Unfortunately I acted on mine and the fact that my mother had A's made it seem to me, well if she did it so can I. Really twisted. I am working on myself right now in IC trying to figure out why I have chosen such broken people and examining my own broken self.

[thomasb]

I don't agree. I think they receive what they deserve. Period. They need to develop a thick skin and defend themselves if they feel it necessary.

 

I also do appreciate those BS that do stick around and become involved with LS, especially those like Janey and Thomasb etc. CIK, my opinion on this person is well known. I'll leave it at that.

 

 

 

thanks, I do appreciate this. As for the rest..of the last few responses... I don't care if the cheating spouse said to the face of the betrayed that they were unhappy. It still is not an excuse or justification for an affair. If there were problems in the marriage either address them or leave. Not crawl between the legs of another person. sorry to be so crude. I'm rather pissy today! That just creates a whole new set of problems and more turmoil within the family unit. I should know. Hard lesson to learn.

[Memphis Raines]

It was a constructive thread. Why on earth does it have to degenerate in to attacks on one poster?

 

what attack? did someone call her a name?

[Memphis Raines]

Look at the title of this thread

 

How We Treat Cheaters On This Board..............Prime Example.

 

yup, pretty much the same way you treat the betrayed. dismissing one posters pain as bitching and moaning in one thread, to telling another they pretty much got what they deserved which was to be cheated on.

 

dont be a hypocrite.

[Memphis Raines]

Unfortunately for Janey, some people want to read as much ugliness into her situation as they possibly can in order to demonize a cheater.

 

not me. as much as I hate cheaters, I have told her time and time again she is, IMO, one of the rare ones that is doing everything a cheater should do to make amends. I commended her for that in other threads.

 

I was just wondering why the minor backslide in this thread that seems to indicate she puts the blame on her husband for her choice to cheat.

 

nothing more. she still has my support. because if I were to keep a cheater, she'd have to do everything that Janey is doing to right her wrong.

[Memphis Raines]

And now folks are reading things into Janey's situation they cannot POSSIBLY know, but of course they are choosing to imagine it all in the most negative light possible which is actually proving the point of the original post of this thread.

 

Janey has made very clear her contrition over the A and is doing everything she can with her H to salvage their M

 

yes she has, and kudos to her for that.

 

now if that contrition exists, why the blame shifting now? she even has ladydesigner saying pretty much her husband deserved to be betrayed and that he "asked for it"

[donnamaybe]

not me. as much as I hate cheaters, I have told her time and time again she is, IMO, one of the rare ones that is doing everything a cheater should do to make amends. I commended her for that in other threads.

 

I was just wondering why the minor backslide in this thread that seems to indicate she puts the blame on her husband for her choice to cheat.

 

nothing more. she still has my support. because if I were to keep a cheater, she'd have to do everything that Janey is doing to right her wrong.

And I completely understand wondering about that. I think Janey was explaining herself, not making excuses. Thus far, she hasn't excused herself whatsoever, and I agree that someone claiming he deserved to then be cheated on was ridiculous.

 

I just don't get all this need for outsiders (well, ONE oursider to be exact ) to nit pick into every detail of what went on between her and her H when that is NOT what this thread is about, even to the point of making up stories about what they only THINK went on when they can't possibly know. Stories, by the way, which shed the dimmest light possible on Janey.

[confusedinkansas]

I think Janey was explaining herself, not making excuses. .

 

You might want to be careful with statements like this Donna.

Many (NOT ALL) don't see any difference in an explaination or an excuse.

 

I just don't get all this need for outsiders (well, ONE oursider to be exact ) to nit pick into every detail of what went on between her and her H when that is NOT what this thread is about

 

Exactly - but it's what THEY do. THEY can't help themselves. Somehow I think it makes them feel better about their situation to do this to someone else.

[donnamaybe]

You might want to be careful with statements like this Donna.

Many (NOT ALL) don't see any difference in an explaination or an excuse.

Nope. She explained why she did the wrong thing (explanation). She wasn't explaining why she thought cheating was the right thing (excuse).

[donnamaybe]

Exactly - but it's what THEY do. THEY can't help themselves. Somehow I think it makes them feel better about their situation to do this to someone else.

Well, if this were a thread with a topic of "why did you cheat," it might be pertinent. But it's not.

[Silly_Girl]

what attack? did someone call her a name?

 

She was singled out and there were uncomplimentary comments about her. As the thread wasn't started by her, or about her, I don't see why that was necessary and think it detracted from the value of the thread.

[Silly_Girl]

You might want to be careful with statements like this Donna.

Many (NOT ALL) don't see any difference in an explaination or an excuse.

 

I agree. Often when a poster offers background, detail, context, rationale.... It's called justification and excuses when often it clearly isn't.

[confusedinkansas]

Nope. She explained why she did the wrong thing (explanation). She wasn't explaining why she thought cheating was the right thing (excuse).

I'm on your side on this one.

I agree.

There is a difference.

I was just saying - basically......watch out for the bashers here that DON'T know the difference.

[Memphis Raines]

And I completely understand wondering about that. I think Janey was explaining herself, not making excuses. Thus far, she hasn't excused herself whatsoever, and I agree that someone claiming he deserved to then be cheated on was ridiculous.

 

I just don't get all this need for outsiders (well, ONE oursider to be exact ) to nit pick into every detail of what went on between her and her H when that is NOT what this thread is about, even to the point of making up stories about what they only THINK went on when they can't possibly know. Stories, by the way, which shed the dimmest light possible on Janey.

 

I know. she has indicated time and time again she is one of the rare ones.

 

its just her past remarks and the recent words that seem to convey that its his fault don't coincide.

[Memphis Raines]

Exactly - but it's what THEY do. THEY can't help themselves.

 

like you don't turn it around on people who are betrayed.

 

you just can't help yourself to come to a cheater's defense and dismiss a BS's pain and let them know its their own fault.

[Memphis Raines]

Nope. She explained why she did the wrong thing (explanation). She wasn't explaining why she thought cheating was the right thing (excuse).

 

but why feel the need to "explain" at all if she in fact is wanting to grow from this?

 

like you said, it shouldn't matter what happened before the affair. right?

[Memphis Raines]

She was singled out and there were uncomplimentary comments about her.

 

such as?

 

As the thread wasn't started by her, or about her, I don't see why that was necessary and think it detracted from the value of the thread.

 

exactly, so how did it become that there was a need to explain her reasons for cheating in the first place?

[John Michael Kane]

Then you are reading through what I like to call "5hyte colored glasses" when you read her posts.

 

I don't need glasses you might though.

[dale_gribble]

Anne1707 "Yes, I felt compassion. I felt guilt."- Then why did you keep doing it? I guess this is what is so hard to swallow for us BS's. WS always say they feel guilt and remorse, but this comes "after-the-fact." That is why it comes off so hollow and vacant. It seems now that the fun and excitement of the affair is over, its back to my normal and stable relationship. No matter how you want to paint it- you cheaters got away with it.

 

I agree that no personal attacks should be encouraged, but like one poster pointed out- you have to have a thick skin now. suffer the consequences such as being labeled and such.

[anne1707]

Anne1707 "Yes, I felt compassion. I felt guilt."- Then why did you keep doing it? I guess this is what is so hard to swallow for us BS's. WS always say they feel guilt and remorse, but this comes "after-the-fact." That is why it comes off so hollow and vacant. It seems now that the fun and excitement of the affair is over, its back to my normal and stable relationship. No matter how you want to paint it- you cheaters got away with it.

 

I felt guilt during and afterwards - not just "after the fact" as you put it. I do feel remorse and always will. Plus it was not just back to "normal and stable" just like that. It has taken years of hard work including IC and MC. I have not treated this recovery in a flippant manner contrary to what some may believe.

 

 

I agree that no personal attacks should be encouraged, but like one poster pointed out- you have to have a thick skin now. suffer the consequences such as being labeled and such.

 

Well if you looked at the way I was criticised when I joined LS, you will see that I accepted that I deserved it. I knew I had done something dreadful. I have suffered the consequences - and before you comment, I know what I felt was nothing compared to how my H felt. But your post almost implies that it was like water off a duck's back to me. So very, very wrong.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm seeing a common theme where someone comes here to ask for advice, they are the WS, and they get put through the ringer. I know many of us are hurting here, but this board isn't just for the BS. None of us are perfect individuals. I've been slowly acknowledging my own contributions to the demise of my marriage which assisted in my WH's infidelity. As much as we'd like to think it was all about the infidelity, it is much more than that

 

If you do something that is HORRIBLE... you should expect people to jump all over you about it!

 

You are basically doing something akin to asking people to be nicer to child molesters... These are terrible people... who do terrible things. Nobody needs to be nice to them!

 

I've been trying to decide what the real difference is between a molester and a cheater. They both do tremendous amounts of psychological damage to their victims. Both use physical acts to generate this damage. They are both predatory and use people's trust against them. ??? Is it the perceived innocence of the victim? Technically child molesters don't need to touch the child to be guilty of the offense.

 

At first I thought the comparison was ridiculous... but the more I think about it... the more commonalities I see.

[ladydesigner]

If you do something that is HORRIBLE... you should expect people to jump all over you about it!

 

You are basically doing something akin to asking people to be nicer to child molesters... These are terrible people... who do terrible things. Nobody needs to be nice to them!

 

I've been trying to decide what the real difference is between a molester and a cheater. They both do tremendous amounts of psychological damage to their victims. Both use physical acts to generate this damage. They are both predatory and use people's trust against them. ??? Is it the perceived innocence of the victim? Technically child molesters don't need to touch the child to be guilty of the offense.

 

At first I thought the comparison was ridiculous... but the more I think about it... the more commonalities I see.

 

No they are completely different. I have been molested, cheated on and have cheated and infidelity, for me, has never done as much damage as the molestation did:sick:

 

I do not think this comparison is correct.

Edited May 25, 2011 by ladydesigner