How we treat cheaters on this board

[silktricks]

I don't agree. I think they receive what they deserve. Period. They need to develop a thick skin and defend themselves if they feel it necessary.

 

I also do appreciate those BS that do stick around and become involved with LS, especially those like Janey and Thomasb etc. CIK, my opinion on this person is well known. I'll leave it at that.

 

 

Here's what I don't like about how cheaters are treated on LS (from my POV):

 

1. by and large, women who cheat are treated better than men

 

2. If they don't show a consistent "I feel really bad about what I did and I want my spouse back" attitude on the Infidelity board they are demeaned.

 

3. On the other hand, on the OW board, if they are not riotously in love with the OW and planning on leaving shortly leaving their spouse they are similarly demeaned.

 

4. On both boards, if there is ever an inconsistency in their feelings, they are shouted down by both "camps". But, people generally are NOT consistent. Especially when either in, or just coming out of an affair. Their emotions are all over the place and the expectation of consistency is ridiculous.

 

5. BS and OW alike often act as if the cheater is "their" cheater and instead of hearing what is going on which the cheater simply re-use their story line, or use it as an reason to repost their own story.

 

Anyway, for the most part I don't think MP are treated very well on either board unless they are saying what the other posters want to hear, and maybe that's just human nature, and I need to develop a thicker skin

[John Michael Kane]

No they are completely different. I have been molested, cheated on and have cheated and infidelity, for me, has never done as much damage as the molestation did:sick:

 

I do not think this comparison is correct.

 

Untouchable is right on. The comparison is correct, both of them are predators and use others weaknesses against them, such as trust.

[Untouchable_Fire]

No they are completely different. I have been molested, cheated on and have cheated and infidelity, for me, has never done as much damage as the molestation did:sick:

I do not think this comparison is correct.

 

I've only experienced the latter not the former, so I will take your word for it.

 

Does it just differ in magnitude? Or is a completely different type of pain?

 

I completely understand if that's not a question you feel comfortable answering. I'm just trying to understand it a bit.

[ladydesigner]

Untouchable is right on. The comparison is correct, both of them are predators and use others weaknesses against them, such as trust.

 

Have you been molested before? I'm sorry I disagree that cheaters are predators:lmao: f**ked up but not predators.

[ladydesigner]

I've only experienced the latter not the former, so I will take your word for it.

 

Does it just differ in magnitude? Or is a completely different type of pain?

 

I completely understand if that's not a question you feel comfortable answering. I'm just trying to understand it a bit.

 

I'm sorry it just struck a chord with me. I guess for me the intensity of pain is worse, confusing, and has left permanent physical damage.

 

I am a BS too so I understand that pain as well. I can understand the comparison of being victimized in a way that you had no control over it, but for me the molestation has left a much deeper scar than my H's infidelity.

 

Although it may differ from person to person. I think each person experiences and perceives pain differently.

[Snowflower]

Here's what I don't like about how cheaters are treated on LS (from my POV):

 

1. by and large, women who cheat are treated better than men

I agree with the rest of this great post, but not this. I think women who cheat are treated horribly here. I've read where they've been called all sorts of names (until the post is removed) and graphic phrases used about their physical affairs.

 

Cheating men are usually at least initially welcomed by the OW...unless the man is missing his marriage.

 

2. If they don't show a consistent "I feel really bad about what I did and I want my spouse back" attitude on the Infidelity board they are demeaned.

 

Yes!

 

3. On the other hand, on the OW board, if they are not riotously in love with the OW and planning on leaving shortly leaving their spouse they are similarly demeaned.

 

Yup!

 

4. On both boards, if there is ever an inconsistency in their feelings, they are shouted down by both "camps". But, people generally are NOT consistent. Especially when either in, or just coming out of an affair. Their emotions are all over the place and the expectation of consistency is ridiculous.

 

Yeah, it's hard to read sometimes.

5. BS and OW alike often act as if the cheater is "their" cheater and instead of hearing what is going on which the cheater simply re-use their story line, or use it as an reason to repost their own story.

 

Uh-huh. There are a lot of preconceived notions.

 

Anyway, for the most part I don't think MP are treated very well on either board unless they are saying what the other posters want to hear, and maybe that's just human nature, and I need to develop a thicker skin

 

My responses in bold. Great post silk.

[John Michael Kane]

Have you been molested before? I'm sorry I disagree that cheaters are predators:lmao: f**ked up but not predators.

 

Yea it's very funny. But considering your status, it doesn't surprise me that much you'd disagree.

[betterdeal]

And yet child abuse is a criminal offence whereas extra-marital affairs are not. Why is it wider society has deemed these two to be different, do you think?

[John Michael Kane]

And yet child abuse is a criminal offence whereas extra-marital affairs are not. Why is it wider society has deemed these two to be different, do you think?

 

There are many crimes out there that aren't in the Biased Law Book of America. I didn't know a few people on the internet are "wider society".

[betterdeal]

There are many crimes out there that aren't in the Biased Law Book of America. I didn't know a few people on the internet are "wider society".

 

It's in the statutes here too as well as many other countries. And the law, especially on personal behaviour, is a representation of wider society's judgment.

 

Barring a minuscule number of people, such as the Taleban and the North American Man/Boy Love Association, everyone else is sufficiently happy with the current legislation that makes child abuse a crime and adultery not a crime.

 

But I suspect you know that already and are prevaricating to hold up your shoddy argument. You're comparing a rubber duck with an aircraft carrier.

[JaneyAmazed]

I had to reply to this one too!

 

Here's what I don't like about how cheaters are treated on LS (from my POV):

 

1. by and large, women who cheat are treated better than men

 

2. If they don't show a consistent "I feel really bad about what I did and I want my spouse back" attitude on the Infidelity board they are demeaned.

 

This is true!

 

 

3. On the other hand, on the OW board, if they are not riotously in love with the OW and planning on leaving shortly leaving their spouse they are similarly demeaned.

 

4. On both boards, if there is ever an inconsistency in their feelings, they are shouted down by both "camps". But, people generally are NOT consistent. Especially when either in, or just coming out of an affair. Their emotions are all over the place and the expectation of consistency is ridiculous.

 

I was thinking about that today. My emotions are all over the place and have been for months. It's a learning process. I've put my foot in my mouth many times. I'm thankful for those who have stuck with me through it all.

 

 

5. BS and OW alike often act as if the cheater is "their" cheater and instead of hearing what is going on which the cheater simply re-use their story line, or use it as an reason to repost their own story.

 

 

Amen. I feel sorry for people who are so hurt that they have to pretend a poster here is their cheater in order to cope. Hurt people hurt people.

 

 

Anyway, for the most part I don't think MP are treated very well on either board unless they are saying what the other posters want to hear, and maybe that's just human nature, and I need to develop a thicker skin

 

It's not even a matter of developing thick skin. It's a matter of seeing these people for who they are and what their motive is. Once I know the motive, it's easier for me to know who is actually trying to help and who isn't.

[What_Next]

It's not even a matter of developing thick skin. It's a matter of seeing these people for who they are and what their motive is. Once I know the motive, it's easier for me to know who is actually trying to help and who isn't.

 

Oh don't kid yourself part of the process concerning LS IS to develop a thick skin. You must take criticism and not lash back out at the person criticizing sometimes. Being rude no, but sometimes the truth you NEED to hear is not easy.

[JaneyAmazed]

Oh don't kid yourself part of the process concerning LS IS to develop a thick skin. You must take criticism and not lash back out at the person criticizing sometimes. Being rude no, but sometimes the truth you NEED to hear is not easy.

 

I have taken LOTS of criticism without lashing back. I have developed thick skin with those who are tough, but really trying to help and I have learned from them. It's the other ones that are just here to criticize all cheaters for everything based on their own assumptions that I just don't listen to (advice given to me by some wise members here)

Edited May 26, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[What_Next]

I have taken LOTS of criticism without lashing back. I have developed thick skin with those who are tough, but really trying to help and I have learned from them. It's the other ones that are just here to criticize all cheaters for everything based on their own assumptions that I just don't listen to.

 

I cannot disagree with you in either case Janey. Just don't paint all of us BS with the same brush (even those of us who are the tough ones). I fully understand what you are saying with the ones that just want to spout venom. I get that. I feel the same way with regards to those WS that like to demonize their spouses on whom they've cheated, they know who they are.

[John Michael Kane]

It's in the statutes here too as well as many other countries. And the law, especially on personal behaviour, is a representation of wider society's judgment.

 

Barring a minuscule number of people, such as the Taleban and the North American Man/Boy Love Association, everyone else is sufficiently happy with the current legislation that makes child abuse a crime and adultery not a crime.

 

Yea right, "everyone" agrees with the laws of today.

 

But I suspect you know that already and are prevaricating to hold up your shoddy argument.

 

Nah I just know you're assuming something out of your rooty-tooty. You think everything is right as rain just because you watched a few hours of shows on CNN with corrupt politicians spouting off about Wall Street.

 

You're comparing a rubber duck with an aircraft carrier.

 

Nah I'm comparing my 800 million foot sky scraper against your jet.

[JaneyAmazed]

I cannot disagree with you in either case Janey. Just don't paint all of us BS with the same brush (even those of us who are the tough ones). I fully understand what you are saying with the ones that just want to spout venom. I get that. I feel the same way with regards to those WS that like to demonize their spouses on whom they've cheated, they know who they are.

 

 

If anything some of the BSs here have helped me the most. Some have sent me PMs full of words of wisdom. It helps to get the point of view from a BS. I admire and respect any BS who will reach out and try to help a fWS. I have never painted them with the same brush. Please don't think that at all. I'm sorry if my other posts made it sound like that.

[What_Next]

I have never painted them with the same brush. Please don't think that at all. I'm sorry if my other posts made it sound like that.

 

No, no I know you don't. I worded my post incorrectly, I was trying to say that I hope you don't start to do that. I know you are under fire in several threads all at once, but don't let that make you believe that all the BS on LS have the same agenda as the few that seem most vocal now.

 

They will fade into the darkness relatively soon, it is a pattern that repeats itself here on LS. Remember that the ignore button is your friend.

[Snowflower]

No, no I know you don't. I worded my post incorrectly, I was trying to say that I hope you don't start to do that. I know you are under fire in several threads all at once, but don't let that make you believe that all the BS on LS have the same agenda as the few that seem most vocal now.

 

They will fade into the darkness relatively soon, it is a pattern that repeats itself here on LS. Remember that the ignore button is your friend.

 

 

Nice post!

 

I almost never hit the alert button but I had to today. This subforum needs some administrative help.

[donnamaybe]

If anything some of the BSs here have helped me the most. Some have sent me PMs full of words of wisdom. It helps to get the point of view from a BS. I admire and respect any BS who will reach out and try to help a fWS. I have never painted them with the same brush. Please don't think that at all. I'm sorry if my other posts made it sound like that.

You're one very cool gal, Janey.

 

I, for one, hope everything works out for you and your man.

[confusedinkansas]

Oh don't kid yourself part of the process concerning LS IS to develop a thick skin. You must take criticism and not lash back out at the person criticizing sometimes. Being rude no, but sometimes the truth you NEED to hear is not easy.

 

There's a difference between Taking Criticism & constantly having to defend yourself because someone is ASSUMING everything that has happened in your life - instead of reading posts & taking them at face value. (Too many BS's here read between the lines)

 

Many (All) of us WS's have had to defend ourselves against the VERY HARSH BS posters. It's sad.........However, when we do defend ourselves & try to explain ANY story, we're told that we're making excuses....

 

It's just a vicious circle. There are a few here that, after a few rounds of ping-pong with them I've decided to just ignore their posts - whether they are regarding me or not. I just feel that if you're the poster that does treat the WS's here as if WE are the ones that have done you wrong - it's pointless. WE didn't hurt you. Your wife or husband did.

 

It's very true that the WS's that have stuck around have had to develop thick skins if we're going to post here. It's alright with me - But I do feel bad for those that are new & come here & are genuinely wanting some answers. They get slammed all over the place & many never return.

[What_Next]

But I do feel bad for those that are new & come here & are genuinely wanting some answers. They get slammed all over the place & many never return.

 

I don't. Especially those that come here boasting about their affairs or blame shifting onto their spouses. They are often the ones that crow the loudest, how dare ANYONE say my selfish cake eating behavior is wrong. They get precisely what they deserve.

 

As for those who come on here, take the criticism that is justified, defend themselves WITHOUT justification, which you seem unable to do by the way, and stick around. Well I have a great deal of respect for those. There aren't that many that come to mind, but in the thick of things right now Janey and thomasb do shine.

 

I personally don't assume anything that has happened in your life. You love to come back to that same tired argument, that we don't know your husband and we don't know you, well of course we don't. Good heavens, your captain obvious badge is in the mail. I can only read what you've posted and make my own mind up on you as a person based on that. Which I have. If I read contrasting information from your posts in the future then perhaps my mind will change, but right now I have enough information to draw a conclusion.

[JaneyAmazed]

You're one very cool gal, Janey.

 

I, for one, hope everything works out for you and your man.

 

 

Thank you sweetheart. You made my day.

[JaneyAmazed]

No, no I know you don't. I worded my post incorrectly, I was trying to say that I hope you don't start to do that. I know you are under fire in several threads all at once, but don't let that make you believe that all the BS on LS have the same agenda as the few that seem most vocal now.

 

They will fade into the darkness relatively soon, it is a pattern that repeats itself here on LS. Remember that the ignore button is your friend.

 

Thank you, What Next. I knew that there are different agendas. It shows a lot of maturity for a BS to help a WS. I like your screen name by the way. I feel like that's the theme of my life lately...what next. I've been on edge lately and I know it shows up in my posts. I really am sorry if I've been ugly to anyone who has been sincere. Oh and I'm getting ready to use the ignore button on the ones you are talking about. What they say really has nothing to do with my life anyway. I think I'm seeing the pattern you're talking about.

[silktricks]

I don't. Especially those that come here boasting about their affairs or blame shifting onto their spouses. They are often the ones that crow the loudest, how dare ANYONE say my selfish cake eating behavior is wrong. They get precisely what they deserve.

 

Sure, there are some people who come to boast. But they get it from both sides - and they don't belong here. LS is a place to help and helping boasters - well, not so much.

 

But blame shifting is a normal first step in recovery. If they get screamed at by some of the posters here and never return, what good does that do? Maybe it makes the screamers feel good for a bit, but since they seem to go on screaming - sometimes it appears through many reincarnations - I don't think it's helping them either.

 

I'm not saying they should be molly-coddled either, but a little restraint on the part of some of the posters would be nice.

[silktricks]

My responses in bold. Great post silk.

 

I agree with the rest of this great post, but not this. I think women who cheat are treated horribly here. I've read where they've been called all sorts of names (until the post is removed) and graphic phrases used about their physical affairs.

 

Cheating men are usually at least initially welcomed by the OW...unless the man is missing his marriage.

 

It could very well be that my opinion here is skewed. I have to admit it was formulated more from when I first began posting here. I don't like the names and graphic phrases that some people like to shock with, and those posters I tend to block, so probably miss some of it too.

 

I think the idea that I have/had about women being treated better, is that usually it seems that women, no matter whether the WS or the OW is often (not always but often) presumed to be the victim of a rapacious man. Whereas a man, whether WS or OM is presumed to be the aggressor. I don't think that represents reality. In my experience I've actually seen more women in the aggressor (or at least come-on) role.

 

In my opinion that view of "blaming" the man is treating the woman "better" - more helpless and stupid which p*sses me off - but overall "better".