How we treat cheaters on this board

[Memphis Raines]

Infidelity hurts both parties, the BS and the WS. This is a very hard time for everyone involved. If the WS comes here asking how to save their marriage, rather than putting them down, we should be helping them repair their marriage by sharing our experiences and feelings.

 

 

problem is, too many come here and gives us their excuses for cheating and basically blaming their spouse for their decision to cheat. That and too many times, its easy to tell, they don't respect their spouse, all they care about is their feelings for the OM/OW and don't really show remorse in their words to the person the screwed over.

 

JaneyAmazed is one of the rare WS's here who I really feel is truly remorseful and you can tell it in her words. A majority of others are not and its clear they really don't give a hoot about their betrayed spouse, they just don't want any more drama.

[Silly_Girl]

problem is, too many come here and gives us their excuses for cheating and basically blaming their spouse for their decision to cheat. That and too many times, its easy to tell, they don't respect their spouse, all they care about is their feelings for the OM/OW and don't really show remorse in their words to the person the screwed over.

 

It's a journey though. It's like telling someone at their first AA meeting they need to stop drinking NOW!

 

Surely coming here and asking for insight/help/advice is step one. Beating up on them won't make them more inclined to see your (or whoever's) 'reason'. People can become so entrenched they can't see the wood for the trees.

 

If you don't approve of a poster, or have any inclination to offer anything constructive, why not just ignore them?

[Fugu]

No one's being a dick by pointing out the obvious. The only ding-a-lings who can't even take advice are the cheaters. They come here for validation and then when they don't get it they want to call someone bitter, when they're the ones who are bitter because they messed up their own lives. So there's no "uh" about it, Fufu.

 

Who says they come here for validation? Not everyone who cheats is completely shameless about it. Many times, I suspect it's a deep sense of guilt and wanting other people to help them sort out their own emotional sh*t. Weak? Immature? Selfish and dishonest? Okay, fair criticism. I also do agree that *some* of the posters who disclose their infidelity lack remorse or are otherwise unwilling to take responsibility for their behavior, and I address them accordingly. But even then, one can be direct and to the point without being a complete ass or looking like a sociopath. Your posts -- and you're not the only one by the way -- about equating cheating with murder was over the top.

 

I think some of the betrayed spouses need to get a grip. If they're that angry, that far out of control emotionally, then I suspect that maybe there's another side to the marriage that they're not willing to confront. They may deny, deny, and put the blame solely on the cheater, and maybe in some cases they're right, but I doubt they're blameless in all cases.

[betterdeal]

I like monkeys

[JaneyAmazed]

I think everyone has an opinion. I went to dinner with one of my good friends last night. She has no idea I had an affair. My H wanted to keep that between us and my parents and siblings. We were talking about a friend whose boyfriend has cheated on her not once, not twice but three times (that we know of). She said "well, once a cheater always a cheater." I didn't even feel the need to defend those of us that did learn our lesson. It wasn't a battle I wanted to start with her. I believed that way too at one time. Before I cheated, I hated cheaters and thought I would never do that. I see things differently now but I don't expect her to. Just like I don't expect everyone on LS, especially the BS, to believe what I do. I just know that some people really do learn their lesson and don't repeat the same behavior. Others repeat it over and over again. Everyone is different.

 

As far as a WS not posting here, I didn't post here because I knew what I was doing was wrong. I really didn't want to hear that from anyone else....obviously. But I do know that my marriage was in trouble before the affair. I told my husband I was tempted to cheat. I told him I was unhappy. I told him I felt like I wasn't close to him anymore. I told him guys were hitting on me. He just said for me to get over it and read my Bible. He said he wasn't going to change so I needed to deal with him they way he was. Since the end of the affair, he has changed. It woke both of us up. We both had to change in some major ways. It was a crappy thing for me to do. I should have just told him I couldn't stay married to him if he really didn't care to help me rather than me going behind his back and cheating on him. I believe that everything happens for a reason though.

[Memphis Raines]

 

If you don't approve of a poster, or have any inclination to offer anything constructive, why not just ignore them?

 

 

If telling a cheater to set their victim free is beating up on them, so be it.

 

and i've said this before, anyone can post anywhere in the forum they like.

 

however, this is a part of the forum where more people come to deal with the pain dealt to them at the hands of a cheater. just like if a BS goes over to the OM/OW forum, they aren't ignored, they are beaten up on. Thats why i don't go over to that forum. whatever bottom feeding they want to do over they is fine with me, as long as they keep it over there.

 

if these posters that seem to hold their spouses insignificant as to focus on their affair partner, not really show any true remorse, or blame their betrayed partners, and if they feel "beaten up" here, then the OM/OW forum will surely blow the sunshine up their arses that they are seeking.

 

besides, any written text here will never compare to the "beating" they dealt to their betrayed partner.

[Memphis Raines]

I told my husband I was tempted to cheat. I told him I was unhappy. I told him I felt like I wasn't close to him anymore. I told him guys were hitting on me. He just said for me to get over it and read my Bible. He said he wasn't going to change so I needed to deal with him they way he was. Since the end of the affair, he has changed. It woke both of us up. We both had to change in some major ways. It was a crappy thing for me to do. I should have just told him I couldn't stay married to him if he really didn't care to help me rather than me going behind his back and cheating on him. I believe that everything happens for a reason though.

 

well I don't know what to say Janey, maybe I spoke too soon before saying that you were one of the rare ones here that seemed truly remorseful. Because it sure sounds above like you are excusing yourself.

 

sounds like you gaslighted your husband now.

[Memphis Raines]

If someone clearly has no remorse, why bother posting to them if cheating is unjustifiable to you? Let them live in their world, you live in yours.

 

they can live it in a part of the site where people don't come here to deal with the pain caused by people like them. let them hang with their own crowd. Sure, anyone is allowed to post in any part of the forum. But people should go into a forum realizing it may not be exactly the right place depending on what they seek.

 

I don't go into the OM/OW forum for this very reason. Seems there is a place on this site for them, and most regard this part of the site as a place where people come to deal with that kind of pain. And the last thing anyone wants to hear in a forum of people dealing with the pain of being betrayed is an unremorseful, gaslighting, excuser.

 

 

If they have affairs for the rest of their lives, so be it. Now that's something I refuse to judge, because frankly, I just don't care, I don't know the person. Live like that.

 

sure, live like that. thats what they should do, I could care less(other than feeling bad for the people they are screwing over)

 

but don't come to a forum full of people who have been screwed over, drop the excusing bulls***, and then cry about the hard words received.

 

Now for the rare ones that don't drop this justification and excusing crap, you will see (with the exception of a small few) that those that would jump down their throats will restrain themselves and be more civil.

[Memphis Raines]

how we treat cheaters on this board ?

 

we f*** them up while they are already in f***ed up mental state .

 

thats right, the cheaters are the victims:rolleyes:

[Memphis Raines]

When you say "see things differently now" do you mean you no longer see cheating as a hateful act, or do you mean you now realize you are a person who was capable of it?

 

I think she mainly thinks that she no longer believes once a cheater always a cheater.

 

but based on her last post I also think she sees cheating differently as in cheating happens for a reason and there is that hint of validation for what she did, even if she knows its wrong.

[Memphis Raines]

I don't know if I'd call it "gaslighting," I think that applies to deliberate deception, I'm not feeling that it's deliberate.

 

I can see your point. My focus is on that he wasn't going to change because he'd be changing just to keep a wife from cheating. then he did. So it was obviously something she said. She even said in that paragraph she posted that she told him she was tempted, did it, then said things happen for a reason. i.e. she was, at least in some small way, justified.

 

So if she didn't turn it around on him, what would have have to change? both people are responsible for the state of the marriage, only one is for their decision to screw someone else. for one person to go off and cheat, and the other one did not, and then to say things happen for a reason is putting at least a little of the blame on the BS for their decision to cheat. thats why I called it gaslighting. maybe a little extreme in Janey's case, but after all she has posted I was surprised at what she now wrote.

[Memphis Raines]

Yes but janey's situation actually seems to cut the opposite way of her conclusion. She thought she would NEVER cheat, but she did anyway. How does that "disprove" her friend's experience of "once a cheater always a cheater"? It seems to me that if even someone who thought they could NEVER cheat, did cheat, how much easier it is for someone who has ALREADY cheated, to do it again? I can see saying to her friend, without disclosing her personal situation "Hey you never know, anyone could cheat given the right situation, even you" base on her own experience = "you can't really lump people into always a cheater vs. could never be a cheater." Every one who ever cheated, started out as someone who didn't.

 

I see your point here too. she never thought she would do it. and now thinks she would never do it again. how can she be so sure when she never thought she would in the first place?

[confusedinkansas]

Originally Posted by JaneyAmazed

I told my husband I was tempted to cheat. I told him I was unhappy. I told him I felt like I wasn't close to him anymore. I told him guys were hitting on me. He just said for me to get over it and read my Bible.

 

Janey - this is exactly what a BS will tell you to do.

If I've read it once I"ve read it a hundred times here. THIS EXACT THING.

 

"You, WS's why not tell your spouse you're thinking of cheating"

 

Anyway......you've done what many say to do & yet you're still bashed.

 

Let's review the title of this thread again shall we?

HOW WE TREAT CHEATERS ON THIS BOARD.

They're never happy with our responses. Never happy with how we handled anything. It's the typical MO for (SOME/MOST) BS's here.

 

Commenting on what you told your husband:

Good for you- You at least put it out there. He shouldn't have been so surprised that you cheated considering the circumstances - Right?

I see it as.....If a spouse is that uncaring about your feelings then what the heck. You might as well find a way to stay sane if you're going to stay married. - IMO He all but gave you permission (this sounds kind of like my story too)

[JaneyAmazed]

well I don't know what to say Janey, maybe I spoke too soon before saying that you were one of the rare ones here that seemed truly remorseful. Because it sure sounds above like you are excusing yourself.

 

sounds like you gaslighted your husband now.

 

 

Call it what you will, but I know the truth. If you haven't seen that I'm remorseful, you're blind. Even my H knows those aren't excuses. Those are the things that he admits were wrong with our marriage led to my affair. He was smart enough to recognize that.

[John Michael Kane]

Call it what you will, but I know the truth. If you haven't seen that I'm remorseful, you're blind. Even my H knows those aren't excuses. Those are the things that he admits were wrong with our marriage led to my affair. He was smart enough to recognize that.

 

In every one of your posts all you talk about is yourself and how you feel. It's almost never about your husband.

[donnamaybe]

In every one of your posts all you talk about is yourself and how you feel. It's almost never about your husband.

She's now supposed to speak for her husband? She can't POSSIBLY know how he feels.

[John Michael Kane]

She's now supposed to speak for her husband? She can't POSSIBLY know how he feels.

 

Sure she does. Cheaters will never know our deepest feelings about being cheated on, but they still know their decisions caused a lot of damage and knew they would from the start. All she talks about is how she feels about her affair, which is quite sad.

[Memphis Raines]

Janey - this is exactly what a BS will tell you to do.

If I've read it once I"ve read it a hundred times here. THIS EXACT THING.

 

"You, WS's why not tell your spouse you're thinking of cheating"

 

Anyway......you've done what many say to do & yet you're still bashed.

 

ok you can dispense with the drama. nobody is bashing her. i happen to think she is one of the truly rare remorseful WS's that are doing what they need to do to make amends for their behavior.

 

I just have to question some of the things she has said of late.

 

 

They're never happy with our responses. Never happy with how we handled anything. It's the typical MO for (SOME/MOST) BS's here.

 

 

well then you apparently never read any of my posts to her. Because as much as I can't stand cheaters, I believed her to be truly remorseful and wanting to do right by her husband. but again, some things said of late almost indicate a very minor backslide.

 

If a spouse is that uncaring about your feelings then what the heck. You might as well find a way to stay sane if you're going to stay married. - IMO He all but gave you permission

 

and this mentality is what we know of you which is why we know to call you on your bs. and yes, nice try at that not so subtle backhand here at people that have been cheated on. this is why nobody takes you seriously.

[Memphis Raines]

Call it what you will, but I know the truth. If you haven't seen that I'm remorseful, you're blind.

 

no, I see that, as evidenced by my past posts to you.

 

but your recent posts indicate a level of justification.

 

Even my H knows those aren't excuses. Those are the things that he admits were wrong with our marriage led to my affair. He was smart enough to recognize that.

 

ah, so basically he is bending over backwards to keep a wife that is more than capable now of cheating, from cheating?

 

if things were so wrong in your marriage, why didn't he cheat? your affair was all on you, your decision. it takes 2 to claim responsibility for the state of the marriage. your words of late say, "he was at fault, therefore i gratified myself elsewhere"

 

Like I said, i have been supportive of you up til now, and really, I still am. But the sense of entitlement and "you drove me to it" is getting a little stale.(not saying from you only, all the justifiers on the board)

[ladydesigner]

Janey - this is exactly what a BS will tell you to do.

If I've read it once I"ve read it a hundred times here. THIS EXACT THING.

 

"You, WS's why not tell your spouse you're thinking of cheating"

 

Anyway......you've done what many say to do & yet you're still bashed.

 

Let's review the title of this thread again shall we?

HOW WE TREAT CHEATERS ON THIS BOARD.

They're never happy with our responses. Never happy with how we handled anything. It's the typical MO for (SOME/MOST) BS's here.

 

Commenting on what you told your husband:

Good for you- You at least put it out there. He shouldn't have been so surprised that you cheated considering the circumstances - Right?

I see it as.....If a spouse is that uncaring about your feelings then what the heck. You might as well find a way to stay sane if you're going to stay married. - IMO He all but gave you permission (this sounds kind of like my story too)

 

I agree with this. Janey pretty much laid it out that cheating was on the horizon. It is exactly what BS' ask for. If I would have heard something like that from my H, I would have gotten us into MC pronto not told him to deal with it and read your bible:rolleyes:

[Snowflower]

 

But I do know that my marriage was in trouble before the affair. I told my husband I was tempted to cheat. I told him I was unhappy. I told him I felt like I wasn't close to him anymore. I told him guys were hitting on me. He just said for me to get over it and read my Bible. He said he wasn't going to change so I needed to deal with him they way he was.

 

You know, you did just thing that most BS's advocate here, "why didn't you (general you) tell me you were that unhappy?"

 

Gosh, I wish my H had told me that someone at work was interested in him and that he didn't feel close to me. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to stop what was going to happen. I look back now and realize the real damage was done in the months/weeks leading up to his actual affair.

 

So you did try. This is refreshing to read. If you don't mind me asking, how does your H feel about his nonchalant response now? You can PM me if you would rather not put it out here where your post will be picked apart.

[donnamaybe]

All she talks about is how she feels about her affair, which is quite sad.

Then you are reading through what I like to call "5hyte colored glasses" when you read her posts.

[Silly_Girl]

Then you are reading through what I like to call "5hyte colored glasses" when you read her posts.

 

Don't say this very often but....

 

I agree with Donna!!!!

 

[donnamaybe]

Don't say this very often but....

 

I agree with Donna!!!!

 

You knew it had to happen sooner or later...

[donnamaybe]

Maybe Janey TOLD her husband all that but doesn't want to get into it here. She brought her A here, aired that part of her life out for all to see, owned responsibility for it, and was looking for help getting her marriage back on track. What does it matter what went on in their M before the A? If THEY have fixed that particular issue, then why does she have to share it with you? Just to satisfy your curiosity?

 

And, yes - when we are telling about things WE did we WILL use the word 'I' quite often.