How we treat cheaters on this board

[fltc]

Actually, it (adultry) is illegal in something like 26 states in the USA; or slightly more than half. Other states have a modified code that allows victims to sue either the spouse, affair partner or both for 'Alienation of Affections'.

 

And in some other societies is punishable by death. I should point out that in our society it may be punishable by death as well, ever see someone die of AIDS? It's not a good way to die.

[bentnotbroken]

And in some other societies is punishable by death. I should point out that in our society it may be punishable by death as well, ever see someone die of AIDS? It's not a good way to die.

 

 

It always sticks in my mind the story I read about the woman who lost her baby because of her cheating husband. He brought home a STD and that is how she found out. A child died because a person wouldn't be faithful or honest. In my anger, it should have been him.

[John Michael Kane]

First of all, I am not pitying myself. From the very first post, I took responsibility for what I did. I did discuss my reasons for cheating, which you can choose to accept or not. My particular situation was not one-sided, but I do not make any excuses for what I did. Never have, never will.

 

I have worked on myself a great deal, and have tried to work through the issues over the last two years.

 

The "contact" was by phone, and my husband was standing right in front of me when I responded. I told him what the former OM said, and he heard my responses. I don't need a protective order to tell a drunk to stop calling my house.

 

You all presume to know a whole lot about my life, my motivations and my actions. When someone comes here and acknowledges their failures, asks for help and honestly tells you their situation you at least should respect that a little bit.

 

I see that you have all read my story, conveniently picked out the fact that I cheated multiple times, but fail to give me any credit for the fact that I lived with a man that was in and out of rehab, got sober, upon getting sober stopped physical contact with me for 10 years, yada yada yada.....

 

It isn't an excuse, it is simply what my life became; what I let it become. I am in control now. I am the one that can change it, and I am doing my best to make the changes in myself that can see this through. I am not engaged in any bad behavior with OM or any other man. Do any of you believe that marriage can be saved after an A? If you don't, then a conversation with me is pointless.

 

People do change. They make bad decisions. I can choose to wallow in self pity and guilt or I can choose to fix it. I chose the latter. In reality, I didn't need your help to do it, but a little advice from someone who had been through it and gotten through it successfully would have been nice. Marriages do succeed after infidelity. Maybe yours didn't, but some people make it through this.

 

I do hope that all of you that are angry have really dealt with your anger in some way. This is the kind of thing that can eat away at people, just the same as self-loathing and self-pity can. I am still remorseful about the A, but I cannot give my H the love and respect he deserves if I hate myself all the time. I cannot be an equal partner with him unless I believe that I am capable of being that. Two years down the road, it is better; not perfect, but better. In one month we will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. We have been together now for 16 years. I believe it is worth saving or I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

Judge me all you want. Maybe I should have left the first time he went to a detox center, or the second, or when he wiped out our bank accounts, or when he got fired from his multiple jobs, or maybe when he got out of rehab, oh, or when he had a relapse in drinking. I didn't. Now, he is sober again and I still love him. Despite all we've been through. I am not a victim or a perpetrator, I am simply living my life the best way I know how. I've f*ed up and he's f*ed up. Most days, though, we have many things in common and we enjoy each other's company. We remember the things that made us think to marry each other in the first place.

 

I don't need your pity or your venom. My marriage is worth it. We play softball, travel, go to concerts, watch movies together. At this point I can honestly say that we have worked through the trust issues and put everything right except our physical relationship. I live with my best friend, the man that knows me better than anyone on this planet. Still, on the rare occassion that we have sex, it isn't good. I am 37 years old, spent 10 years basically celibate, and I am not willing to resign myself to a life of bad sex and no sex. So fire away the reasons why I should, but this is the only problem in my marriage today.

 

There, you've got it. Lay it on me, I can take it, and I won't be crying and sniveling when you take my pain or hurt or sadness and turn it into something grotesque. I am a big girl now. I mostly just find it sad. If you need me to be the stand in to tell your cheating spouses whatever you didn't say to their faces, have at it. I can only do the best I can do.

 

I thought your husband kicked his alcohol habit, or is he understandably drinking again knowing you cheated on him without all of the details and the rest of the affairs you withheld from him? You can try to justify your behavior all you want, but in the end it is no excuse.

[fltc]

Oh, POOP! Here I am agreeing TOTALLY with John Michael Kane who said, "You can try to justify your behavior all you want, but in the end it is no excuse."

 

Mark this post as JMK and I may never agree again!

[OldOnTheInside]

"You can try to justify your behavior all you want, but in the end it is no excuse."

Sure.

 

There is a very large difference between a potential reason for an affair, and a potential justification.

-"The intimacy in our relationship is gone so I had an affair."

 

-"I had an affair because the intimacy in our relationship is gone."

[Holding-On]

First of all, I am not pitying myself. From the very first post, I took responsibility for what I did. I did discuss my reasons for cheating, which you can choose to accept or not. My particular situation was not one-sided, but I do not make any excuses for what I did. Never have, never will.

 

I have worked on myself a great deal, and have tried to work through the issues over the last two years.

 

The "contact" was by phone, and my husband was standing right in front of me when I responded. I told him what the former OM said, and he heard my responses. I don't need a protective order to tell a drunk to stop calling my house.

 

You all presume to know a whole lot about my life, my motivations and my actions. When someone comes here and acknowledges their failures, asks for help and honestly tells you their situation you at least should respect that a little bit.

 

I see that you have all read my story, conveniently picked out the fact that I cheated multiple times, but fail to give me any credit for the fact that I lived with a man that was in and out of rehab, got sober, upon getting sober stopped physical contact with me for 10 years, yada yada yada.....

 

It isn't an excuse, it is simply what my life became; what I let it become. I am in control now. I am the one that can change it, and I am doing my best to make the changes in myself that can see this through. I am not engaged in any bad behavior with OM or any other man. Do any of you believe that marriage can be saved after an A? If you don't, then a conversation with me is pointless.

 

People do change. They make bad decisions. I can choose to wallow in self pity and guilt or I can choose to fix it. I chose the latter. In reality, I didn't need your help to do it, but a little advice from someone who had been through it and gotten through it successfully would have been nice. Marriages do succeed after infidelity. Maybe yours didn't, but some people make it through this.

 

I do hope that all of you that are angry have really dealt with your anger in some way. This is the kind of thing that can eat away at people, just the same as self-loathing and self-pity can. I am still remorseful about the A, but I cannot give my H the love and respect he deserves if I hate myself all the time. I cannot be an equal partner with him unless I believe that I am capable of being that. Two years down the road, it is better; not perfect, but better. In one month we will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. We have been together now for 16 years. I believe it is worth saving or I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

Judge me all you want. Maybe I should have left the first time he went to a detox center, or the second, or when he wiped out our bank accounts, or when he got fired from his multiple jobs, or maybe when he got out of rehab, oh, or when he had a relapse in drinking. I didn't. Now, he is sober again and I still love him. Despite all we've been through. I am not a victim or a perpetrator, I am simply living my life the best way I know how. I've f*ed up and he's f*ed up. Most days, though, we have many things in common and we enjoy each other's company. We remember the things that made us think to marry each other in the first place.

 

I don't need your pity or your venom. My marriage is worth it. We play softball, travel, go to concerts, watch movies together. At this point I can honestly say that we have worked through the trust issues and put everything right except our physical relationship. I live with my best friend, the man that knows me better than anyone on this planet. Still, on the rare occassion that we have sex, it isn't good. I am 37 years old, spent 10 years basically celibate, and I am not willing to resign myself to a life of bad sex and no sex. So fire away the reasons why I should, but this is the only problem in my marriage today.

 

There, you've got it. Lay it on me, I can take it, and I won't be crying and sniveling when you take my pain or hurt or sadness and turn it into something grotesque. I am a big girl now. I mostly just find it sad. If you need me to be the stand in to tell your cheating spouses whatever you didn't say to their faces, have at it. I can only do the best I can do.

 

Vienna,

Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who does not hold infidelity as the "crime to end all crimes" possible in a marriage, nor divorce as the ultimate end all be all cure, I concur that many posters on here go way off the emotional deep end on the issue of infidelity and seem incapable of considering the broader picture of a marriage.

 

I hope you were able to find a board that was actually helpful and let you speak, heal and offered useful advice. I agree that, for the WS, LS is not that forum even though I like many forums on this board and many posters too.

 

Best wishes to you in the future. It sounds like you have had a hard life.

Holding-On

[John Michael Kane]

Vienna,

Thank you for sharing your story. As someone who does not hold infidelity as the "crime to end all crimes" possible in a marriage, nor divorce as the ultimate end all be all cure, I concur that many posters on here go way off the emotional deep end on the issue of infidelity and seem incapable of considering the broader picture of a marriage.

 

No they don't. When infidelity is involved, the picture can't get any bigger. You don't put someone's life at risk and then wave it off as just another petty issue in the marriage.

 

I hope you were able to find a board that was actually helpful and let you speak, heal and offered useful advice.

 

This board has gave her the essentials to solve her situation, yet she chooses to stay on the same route, causing more pain to her husband. Equating coddling with useful advice is like trying to put a big man in a spider burrow. Nobody stopped her from "speaking" and in regards to healing, her husband is the real patient here, still trying to heal from the wounds she inflicted.

[viennawaits]

This board has gave her the essentials to solve her situation, yet she chooses to stay on the same route, causing more pain to her husband. Equating coddling with useful advice is like trying to put a big man in a spider burrow. Nobody stopped her from "speaking" and in regards to healing, her husband is the real patient here, still trying to heal from the wounds she inflicted.

 

How the f*ck am I on the same route? I just told you all that I have remained faithful to my H, stopped contact with OM and spent the last two years working on marriage. Simple question for you JMK, have you ever approved of a course of action taken by a cheater after the affair ended? Have you ever thought anyone remoreseful enough or worthy of love and respect again? What a pathetic, horrible view of the world.

 

I never asked for coddling. I am not blaming my husband. How am I causing him more pain? Do you even think of what you are saying.

 

Thanks to other posters that spoke kindly and at least realize the gravity of my situation. I am still trying to stay on the path to a healthy and fulfilling relationship with my H, or to end it in a way that will be fair to both of us. I will do that with or without the approval of bitter, narrow-minded, self-righteous posters like JMK.

 

Best to all of you in your own relationships and journeys.

[John Michael Kane]

How the f*ck am I on the same route? I just told you all that I have remained faithful to my H, stopped contact with OM and spent the last two years working on marriage. Simple question for you JMK, have you ever approved of a course of action taken by a cheater after the affair ended? Have you ever thought anyone remoreseful enough or worthy of love and respect again? What a pathetic, horrible view of the world.

 

I never asked for coddling. I am not blaming my husband. How am I causing him more pain? Do you even think of what you are saying.

 

Thanks to other posters that spoke kindly and at least realize the gravity of my situation. I am still trying to stay on the path to a healthy and fulfilling relationship with my H, or to end it in a way that will be fair to both of us. I will do that with or without the approval of bitter, narrow-minded, self-righteous posters like JMK.

 

Best to all of you in your own relationships and journeys.

 

So if nothing is wrong, then why the need to be defensive? Just asking.

[reboot]

She was put on the defensive.

[Fugu]

So if nothing is wrong, then why the need to be defensive? Just asking.

 

You're just bitter and lashing out at people now. Really, if you're full of anger and hatred, then you're really not much better than the cheaters you so despise. In fact, you're probably worse. People are capable of many bad things when they carry grudges, and they can become bad people.

 

Have you had counseling? It's a serious question, BTW.

[John Michael Kane]

You're just bitter and lashing out at people now.

 

Says the person who thinks folks should just accept affairs.

 

Really, if you're full of anger and hatred, then you're really not much better than the cheaters you so despise. In fact, you're probably worse. People are capable of many bad things when they carry grudges, and they can become bad people.

 

Your argument is so tiring I don't even know why I respond. That's the only played out card you have to use against the inevitable truth? The "bitter" argument is so old.

 

Have you had counseling? It's a serious question, BTW.

 

Have YOU had counseling? Have you fixed your own marital problems (hint, hint;))?

[silktricks]

First of all, I am not pitying myself. From the very first post, I took responsibility for what I did. I did discuss my reasons for cheating, which you can choose to accept or not. My particular situation was not one-sided, but I do not make any excuses for what I did. Never have, never will.

 

I have worked on myself a great deal, and have tried to work through the issues over the last two years.

 

The "contact" was by phone, and my husband was standing right in front of me when I responded. I told him what the former OM said, and he heard my responses. I don't need a protective order to tell a drunk to stop calling my house.

 

You all presume to know a whole lot about my life, my motivations and my actions. When someone comes here and acknowledges their failures, asks for help and honestly tells you their situation you at least should respect that a little bit.

 

I see that you have all read my story, conveniently picked out the fact that I cheated multiple times, but fail to give me any credit for the fact that I lived with a man that was in and out of rehab, got sober, upon getting sober stopped physical contact with me for 10 years, yada yada yada.....

 

It isn't an excuse, it is simply what my life became; what I let it become. I am in control now. I am the one that can change it, and I am doing my best to make the changes in myself that can see this through. I am not engaged in any bad behavior with OM or any other man. Do any of you believe that marriage can be saved after an A? If you don't, then a conversation with me is pointless.

 

People do change. They make bad decisions. I can choose to wallow in self pity and guilt or I can choose to fix it. I chose the latter. In reality, I didn't need your help to do it, but a little advice from someone who had been through it and gotten through it successfully would have been nice. Marriages do succeed after infidelity. Maybe yours didn't, but some people make it through this.

 

I do hope that all of you that are angry have really dealt with your anger in some way. This is the kind of thing that can eat away at people, just the same as self-loathing and self-pity can. I am still remorseful about the A, but I cannot give my H the love and respect he deserves if I hate myself all the time. I cannot be an equal partner with him unless I believe that I am capable of being that. Two years down the road, it is better; not perfect, but better. In one month we will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. We have been together now for 16 years. I believe it is worth saving or I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

Judge me all you want. Maybe I should have left the first time he went to a detox center, or the second, or when he wiped out our bank accounts, or when he got fired from his multiple jobs, or maybe when he got out of rehab, oh, or when he had a relapse in drinking. I didn't. Now, he is sober again and I still love him. Despite all we've been through. I am not a victim or a perpetrator, I am simply living my life the best way I know how. I've f*ed up and he's f*ed up. Most days, though, we have many things in common and we enjoy each other's company. We remember the things that made us think to marry each other in the first place.

 

I don't need your pity or your venom. My marriage is worth it. We play softball, travel, go to concerts, watch movies together. At this point I can honestly say that we have worked through the trust issues and put everything right except our physical relationship. I live with my best friend, the man that knows me better than anyone on this planet. Still, on the rare occassion that we have sex, it isn't good. I am 37 years old, spent 10 years basically celibate, and I am not willing to resign myself to a life of bad sex and no sex. So fire away the reasons why I should, but this is the only problem in my marriage today.

 

There, you've got it. Lay it on me, I can take it, and I won't be crying and sniveling when you take my pain or hurt or sadness and turn it into something grotesque. I am a big girl now. I mostly just find it sad. If you need me to be the stand in to tell your cheating spouses whatever you didn't say to their faces, have at it. I can only do the best I can do.

 

Congratulations on all the work you've accomplished, and good luck in the future. Change is difficult.

 

I do have a couple of questions, if you don't mind. Do you have sex seldom because of your husband's drinking problem (in other words, is he incapable)? Or is he not interested? (I'm assuming the issue is with him rather than you, as you are the complainer, ).

 

In regards to the sex you do have being less than pleasurable, have y:)u considered sex therapy?

 

If he's not interested in sex, and you are best friends, can you talk to him about your sex drive and interests? Would an open marriage work for the two of you?

 

And again, congratulations on all the good work.

[John Michael Kane]

Congratulations on all the work you've accomplished, and good luck in the future. Change is difficult.

 

I do have a couple of questions, if you don't mind. Do you have sex seldom because of your husband's drinking problem (in other words, is he incapable)? Or is he not interested? (I'm assuming the issue is with him rather than you, as you are the complainer, ).

 

In regards to the sex you do have being less than pleasurable, have y:)u considered sex therapy?

 

If he's not interested in sex, and you are best friends, can you talk to him about your sex drive and interests? Would an open marriage work for the two of you?

 

And again, congratulations on all the good work.

 

Seriously? Open marriage? Why would you even suggest something so vile you won't even do yourself? Now we all know Vienna's husband is hurt from her constant betrayal and it will take years for him to even push that to the back of his mind. Having an open marriage is just another can of worms.

[What_Next]

You're just bitter and lashing out at people now. Really, if you're full of anger and hatred, then you're really not much better than the cheaters you so despise. In fact, you're probably worse. People are capable of many bad things when they carry grudges, and they can become bad people.

 

Have you had counseling? It's a serious question, BTW.

 

Fugu I've asked the same question and he dodges it. He is like many many others that have come into this forum with an axe to grind and nothing of value to add except spouting venom. He will burn himself out and go away.

[John Michael Kane]

Fugu I've asked the same question and he dodges it.

 

What question are you talking about? If it's about counseling, considering your own history with counseling, you don't want to go there dude.

 

He is like many many others that have come into this forum with an axe to grind and nothing of value to add except spouting venom.

 

The same can be said for many others such as yourself, and I mean that in a serious way. We all have opinions and many on this forum spout the same thing. Accept it dude.

 

He will burn himself out and go away.

 

Nope won't happen.

[confusedinkansas]

Vienna

I am SO glad that you have posted. Yours is a familiar story - my husband too has battled alcohol addiction, etc.

I'm also sorry that you (like many here) have been blasted to the moon & back. It's really too bad.

Those of us that keep posting I believe have just learned to filter the bashers. Answer questions & try not to get into too lengthy of a battle with those that will NEVER accept anyone that has cheated.

We really should all wear a Scarlet A on our sweaters Ya Know

(I learned this lesson the hard way.....Many posts where I felt I needed to defend what the "meanies" here have twisted beyond recognition)

 

Anyway....Those of us that have taken our lives back after cheating deserve a standing ovation. (IMO) Speaking for myself too.

Vienna - GOOD FOR YOU! Good for taking your life back, for nipping the A in the bud & being able to move forward. Consider yourself patted on the back & Cheered On!!!!! You go girl!

[viennawaits]

Congratulations on all the work you've accomplished, and good luck in the future. Change is difficult.

 

I do have a couple of questions, if you don't mind. Do you have sex seldom because of your husband's drinking problem (in other words, is he incapable)? Or is he not interested? (I'm assuming the issue is with him rather than you, as you are the complainer, ).

There is nothing physically preventing my husband from having sex. The lack of sex had been going on years before any of the affairs. It began AFTER he quit drinking. He has told me that since I used to always be the agressor, he tends to expect it, and I frankly don't feel much like begging for it. In recent times when we have had sex, it was quick and just plain bad. Sorry, but it is true.

 

In regards to the sex you do have being less than pleasurable, have y:)u considered sex therapy?

We were in couples therapy (although not sex therapy per se) both before and after the affairs. Sex came up more than once. The last time we paid 140 euros for an hour of therapy, he and our therapist discussed my mother the whole time. Hey, I know my mom is a handful, but she can hardly be the reason my husband won't have sex with me.

 

If he's not interested in sex, and you are best friends, can you talk to him about your sex drive and interests? Would an open marriage work for the two of you?

 

I have been talking to him about this for years. He says he understands and things just return to the same. I really am at my wit's end. He would never, ever consider an open marriage. Honestly, (and I am ready for the storm of cr@p I'll get over this), the "multiple" affairs I had in previous years were exactly sex-only encounters, one-night stands. They were of a purely sexual nature. Only this last A was emotionally damaging. Many people will say it is all the same, but I can assure you it is not. The problem is, we are rarely ever in control of which physical relationships become emotionally binding. Hell, some cheaters never even consummate physical relations and still have an A.

 

And again, congratulations on all the good work.

 

Thanks. I believe we are all just works in progress. I do want a fulfilling, monogamous relationship. I know I am capable of it. I'm just not sure I can make it work in this one. Best friend or not, I need this part of my relationship to work, and it has been broken for some time.

 

BTW, I foresee some other questions here. No, I do not weigh 400 pounds. I put on about 20 extra when working my way through school and then lost them through diet/exercise. He is a bit heavier than when we met, but certainly not obese. We won't make the cover of a magazine, but we are average in looks and size and would have no problem in the singles scene. We look like people that should have sex, perhaps even like people that should have A LOT of sex.

[viennawaits]

Thanks, confused, frozensprouts, fugu and what_next.

 

Really, I don't take it seriously in the end. I actually feel pity for people that are hanging on to hatred so tightly. How can they ever leave room for anything else in their lives? I have to know that I have done the best I can under bad circumstances. I believe that I am doing that. I am big on taking responsibility, but also realize that in additon to our mates forgiving us or dealing with our infidelity we also need to forgive ourselves; not forget, not justify, just forgive.

 

Sometimes life gives us lemonade, and sometimes we pick the lemons ourselves...... Quote by me.

 

I do get defensive, but only when people add their own script to my story line, acting as if I must have omitted some other horrors and that is the sole reason I haven't been able to make my M work so far. I have a much tougher skin than my post may indicate, or I might have scurried away and shot myself in the head paying attention to some of the posters here.

 

To all. Stay strong and be yourselves no matter what is thrown at you. You are worth it. Stand up for what you know is right and you can't go wrong. You won't always make the best decisions, but you can own them all; good and bad. In doing so, you don't have to end up hating yourself.

[Memphis Raines]

Marriages do succeed after infidelity. Maybe yours didn't, but some people make it through this.

 

perhaps, but you would be fooling yourself if you think your husband won't think about what you did from him from time to time and is boiling on the inside about it. he'll just choose not to let it show.

 

I don't call being given a horrible vision like that to think about here and there as succeeding. the health of your marriage may be 80%, but if you think your H will be at complete inner peace with what you did, you are fooling yourself.

 

Now, can he not let it get the best of him? sure. but it will cause him pain from time to time.

 

 

I cannot be an equal partner with him unless I believe that I am capable of being that.

 

not that I condone it, nor would I wish to see your H do this, but the only way he can be your equal now, is if he goes out and gets a little strange himself.

 

Because right now, there is a HUGE imbalance in the relationship. One of you gratified yourself with someone outside the marriage, the other did not.

 

but again, he wouldn't be the man he is if he did seek to even the playing field in that way.

 

 

Two years down the road, it is better; not perfect, but better. In one month we will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary. We have been together now for 16 years. I believe it is worth saving or I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

and he may believe its worth saving to.

 

but you saying its worth saving, well, this is coming from the perspective as the one who did the betraying.

 

 

Judge me all you want. Maybe I should have left the first time he went to a detox center, or the second, or when he wiped out our bank accounts, or when he got fired from his multiple jobs, or maybe when he got out of rehab, oh, or when he had a relapse in drinking.

 

wow, sure glad you didn't "judge" him there:o

 

nah, I don't see any justification for your choice to cheat anywhere above:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Now, he is sober again and I still love him. Despite all we've been through. I am not a victim or a perpetrator

 

the fact you don't see yourself as a perpetrator to to his betrayal shows that you really haven't taken responsibility for your actions like you said you did.

 

 

Still, on the rare occassion that we have sex, it isn't good.

 

maybe its you?

 

 

I am 37 years old, spent 10 years basically celibate, and I am not willing to resign myself to a life of bad sex and no sex.

 

well I sure hope he doesn't ever develop a condition through no fault of his own where he can't perform.

 

So fire away the reasons why I should, but this is the only problem in my marriage today.

 

oh I dunno, love maybe? if you would leave him, or cheat if he couldn't perform, or is just not a sexual dynamo, then it really wasn't love in the first place.

 

You just gave a huge reason why this isn't worth saving. he deserves to have someone that will stand by him. you have proven, with your past actions, and the words you just posted above, that you don't and won't.

[Memphis Raines]

How the f*ck am I on the same route? I just told you all that I have remained faithful to my H, stopped contact with OM and spent the last two years working on marriage.

 

 

ya, you also told us that the sex with your H isn't that good, and that you refuse to live a life of bad sex. (as if its all on him)

[Owl]

perhaps, but you would be fooling yourself if you think your husband won't think about what you did from him from time to time and is boiling on the inside about it. he'll just choose not to let it show.

 

I don't call being given a horrible vision like that to think about here and there as succeeding. the health of your marriage may be 80%, but if you think your H will be at complete inner peace with what you did, you are fooling yourself.

 

Now, can he not let it get the best of him? sure. but it will cause him pain from time to time.

 

 

MR...do you still occasionally have memories of what your ex did to you? Does it still cause you pain? Is it crippling, or has it dwindled down to something more manageable over time?

[Memphis Raines]

MR...do you still occasionally have memories of what your ex did to you? Does it still cause you pain? Is it crippling, or has it dwindled down to something more manageable over time?

 

Oh, I may think once in a blue moon about what she did. but it doesn't cause any pain because she is no longer significant to me.

 

if anything, I laugh at it now. (cause she is in her own special kind of hell with a guy that isn't what I'd call uncontrolling.)

 

If I was still with her, it would hurt. to get rid of the pain, I got rid of the source.

 

if I was still with her would it be manageable? maybe.

but I don't want "manageable" I want to not remember what someone did if I am to stay with them. so unless they can come up with a way to erase those memories, the one that caused them is history.

[John Michael Kane]

Fugu I've asked the same question and he dodges it. He is like many many others that have come into this forum with an axe to grind and nothing of value to add except spouting venom. He will burn himself out and go away.

 

Old argument, same story.

[Owl]

Oh, I may think once in a blue moon about what she did. but it doesn't cause any pain because she is no longer significant to me.

 

if anything, I laugh at it now. (cause she is in her own special kind of hell with a guy that isn't what I'd call uncontrolling.)

 

If I was still with her, it would hurt. to get rid of the pain, I got rid of the source.

 

if I was still with her would it be manageable? maybe.

but I don't want "manageable" I want to not remember what someone did if I am to stay with them. so unless they can come up with a way to erase those memories, the one that caused them is history.

 

That's fine. I get it.

 

But remember...not everyone feels the same way you do. Her H hasn't divorced her...so at this point, he's either waiting or going to try to reconcile...he may well not feel the same way you do...and he may well not have the same amount of "pain" that you did.

 

Its up to him to decide if this is recoverable or not.