How we treat cheaters on this board

[What_Next]

It's the fact that the presentation tends to be so insulting/angry/etc... that it tends to overshadow and negate the value of the content.

.

 

Precisely.

 

OMG, CIK and I actually agree on something... This might just signify the end of days .

 

HA.

[confusedinkansas]

Yea okay.....

 

Well I don't honestly see how you're helping either by saying BSs are partially at fault for getting cheated on,

 

Takes 2 to Tango...

 

when you know that's not true

I don't think it is true

[anne1707]

But does that make them in anyway responsible for the affair?

 

Not at all. That is entirely on the WS.

 

But if they choose to reconcile, the BS is just as responsible as the WS for working on the "new" marriage and making changes.

 

I just get frustrated with some posters who will paint WS as evil, twisted, etc and then BS as a model individuals who are toltally faultless

[What_Next]

Owl I don't think Anne1707 was saying in any way shape or form that the WS gets off the hook or forgos responsibility for the affair itself. We ALL know and WE ALL (at least I hope) can agree that the WS needs to own that all on their own. 110%.

 

Most affairs do not happen in a vacum, well maybe except for serial cheaters or just plain evil people. There are circumstances which breed them, and if any reconciliation is to be attempted then it is those circumstances which must be examined again and again, and again if necessary.

[What_Next]

BS as a model individuals who are toltally faultless

 

Sounds like you are talking about me. HA, 2 funnies in a day, I'm on a roll

[John Michael Kane]

But they may be partially at fault for problems in the marriage leading up to the affair.

 

All you did was rephrase it.

 

So as I say again, it's not helping by saying BSs are partially at fault for being cheated on. Even if there are problems, sometimes it could just be only the WS who's the problem. Sometimes the BS. But nobody's responsible for cheating except the cheater. I was wondering when you were going to try and challenge me again with another baseless generalization.

[John Michael Kane]

Takes 2 to Tango...

 

Exactly! Both the cheater and the OM/OW! See!? You're finally getting it!

 

 

I don't think it is true

 

Well it doesn't really matter whether you believe the truth or not. The truth will always remain.

[John Michael Kane]

Not at all. That is entirely on the WS.

 

Yet you said the BSs is somehow at fault for being cheated on.

 

But if they choose to reconcile, the BS is just as responsible as the WS for working on the "new" marriage and making changes.

 

Uh no they're not. Sorry to burst your bubble. The only one who's going to be making changes (if there are actually any changes which rarely happens) is the WS, on the BS's terms. But see this reconciliation thing is where we all come to a disagreement, because there are many here who are simply in denial. And that's not trying to be rude. It's a simple fact.

 

I just get frustrated with some posters who will paint WS as evil, twisted, etc and then BS as a model individuals who are toltally faultless

 

Well then don't cheat. Don't even think about cheating. If cheaters didn't cheat then this world will be 1% safer.

 

I think what's really funny is these cheaters, Other Men, and Other Women who think they're on top of the world just because they got a 5-minute orgasm covertly, after dozens of corny sext messages. Acting like the children they bred and "supposedly" love.

[confusedinkansas]

Both parties are responsible to make the marriage better....or different..... or new after the affair OR ANY OTHER DEVISTATING EVENT. (Since Infidelity isn't the Be All & End All of relationships....) OR better yet, both parties are responsible for making the marriage a good one so that it doesn't come to something like this to shake them up.

 

It took 2 to get them to the place that they were at when the affair happened & it takes both to make a marriage work. If the BS decides to stay. Most often one has their Rose Goggles on & don't see how damaging the marriage is. Once those come off then things can begin to get better.

 

I don't paint my husband as a monster or a BAD guy. On the contrary. He's a great guy. His only problem is that his Rose Goggles became Pickled!

 

Back to the topic at hand - I think that if the Adulterer were to be treated with a little bit more respect here (human) MORE could be helped by reading other's stories - taking from them what works in their situation & moving forward with their marriages & life.

Rather than be told over & over how horrible & calling them every name in the book - WHoRE Included. (which i've seen happen here)

[John Michael Kane]

Both parties are responsible to make the marriage better....or different..... or new after the affair OR ANY OTHER DEVISTATING EVENT.

 

Wrong again. A cheater has to put in the work double time if she even wants a chance. But as seen around here, they don't and it globally reeks.

 

(Since Infidelity isn't the Be All & End All of relationships....) OR better yet, both parties are responsible for making the marriage a good one so that it doesn't come to something like this to shake them up.

Infidelity is the Be All & End All. If it's not then why cheat? Because one honestly doesn't care about their marriage if they take it that far to have sex with some other woman in their marital home with the kids in the other room, sleeping.

 

It took 2 to get them to the place that they were at when the affair happened & it takes both to make a marriage work. If the BS decides to stay. Most often one has their Rose Goggles on & don't see how damaging the marriage is. Once those come off then things can begin to get better.

It takes only the cheater and the OM/OW to destroy a marriage. Not the BS. A BS didn't cheat because they weren't getting all of their needs met, yet look at how immature their spouse is acting. "Oh I'll show you since you won't give me sex!" How childish.

 

I don't paint my husband as a monster or a BAD guy. On the contrary. He's a great guy.

If he's such a great guy then why did he need to be cheated on? Cheaters paint their BSs as evil folks to use that to cheat, and now after they got "filled up" and discovered, it's now their BS is a loving person.

 

His only problem is that his Rose Goggles became Pickled!

Funny how WSs talk about pickles when they were getting poked with pickles at their BSs' expense. Would you like to tell your husband what you said here? Of course not.

 

Back to the topic at hand - I think that if the Adulterer were to be treated with a little bit more respect here (human) MORE could be helped by reading other's stories - taking from them what works in their situation & moving forward with their marriages & life.

Cheaters usually don't get any respect until they are honestly 100% remorseful for their actions. There is not one cheater in this world that is totally 100% responsible for their actions.

 

Maybe 99% but not 100%

 

 

Rather than be told over & over how horrible & calling them every name in the book - WHoRE Included. (which i've seen happen here)

Well that word is an accurate definition of a cheater. Just don't cheat. Cheaters put themselves in those situations, not everyone else. They dug their hole and now it's time to sit in it. Stop trying to defend their callous actions and everything will be fine. Own it and don't fight it. Suck it up.

[What_Next]

I think that if the Adulterer were to be treated with a little bit more respect here (human) MORE could be helped by reading other's stories

 

The ones that are remorseful, the ones that are really trying to learn from their mistakes and the ones that are now commited to being 100% faithful for the rest of their days deserve to be treated with dignity for sure. However, those type of cheaters are few and far between. The ones that come on here boasting about their cheating behavior, or continuing the deception and lies deserve EVERYTHING and ANYTHING that is thrown at them.

 

You only mention female cheaters in your post, obviously enough, being one, but the male cheaters deserve the same treatment, and that will be dependent on their behavior.

 

Having a hair trigger when it comes to these matters will likely come naturally to those that have been impacted by cheating, the trick is to temper that with compassion when it is warranted. I try not to paint all cheaters with the same brush, however a LOT of them pull out that brush, dip it in the bull___ and do a fine job of painting themselves. When that happens I'll give it to em with both barrels.

[OldOnTheInside]

Can I ask all of you something?

 

And I genuinely mean this with no disrespect and minimal snark...

 

Do you ever get tired of going around in circles with your "discussions"?

[Owl]

LOL...that question about circular discussions applies to a couple of hundred of us posters here on LS!

 

Myself included, of course.

 

Valid point...and one that probably pertains to a vast majority of us here on this site.

[John Michael Kane]

Can I ask all of you something?

 

And I genuinely mean this with no disrespect and minimal snark...

 

Do you ever get tired of going around in circles with your "discussions"?

 

Nope......

[Memphis Raines]

Yea okay.....

 

Well I don't honestly see how you're helping either by saying BSs are partially at fault for getting cheated on, when you know that's not true.

 

remember when she took a man's years of pain struggling with what his wife did to him, and called him a bitcher, moaner and complainer?

 

I can't say I stand by everything you say, although I agree with alot of your sentiments, but CIK is a hypocrite being the one to try to call you out on it.

[Memphis Raines]

I just get frustrated with some posters who will paint WS as evil, twisted, etc and then BS as a model individuals who are toltally faultless

 

the BS is faultless with regards to their spouses' affair.

 

the health of the marriage is another matter

 

but the WS's choice to cheat and the actual act of cheating, nope.

[What_Next]

Do you ever get tired of going around in circles with your "discussions"?

 

Excellent point, and well taken.

 

Heck it gives us something to do besides work don't you know.

[confusedinkansas]

It takes only the cheater and the OM/OW to destroy a marriage.

Without getting into another Pi&&ing Match with you...

This is about as incorrect statement as you've ever made.

There are plenty of things out there that CAN & DO destroy marriages.

Infidelity is not the LONE WOLF when it comes to this.

 

Funny how WSs talk about pickles when they were getting poked with pickles at their BSs' expense. Would you like to tell your husband what you said here? Of course not.

that's a good one & Yes, he knows what's said here. I've shared many a post with him. He knows exactly how Pickled his brain was back then. But thanks for your concern.

 

remember when she took a man's years of pain struggling with what his wife did to him, and called him a bitcher, moaner and complainer?

Ha Ha. Yes & way to take that whole thread out of context.

For those that weren't part of it - Give it a read. It was a BS that had spent 20+ years of his life moaning & complaining that his wife had cheated on him. He made no attempt to leave or anything else. He just wanted to compalin. Some people are just like that. They have the Eeyore Syndrome.

A sad life - for sure!

[John Michael Kane]

Without getting into another Pi&&ing Match with you...

This is about as incorrect statement as you've ever made.

There are plenty of things out there that CAN & DO destroy marriages.

Infidelity is not the LONE WOLF when it comes to this.

 

I can't even say that's your most incorrect statement, since all of them seem to be incorrect.

 

 

that's a good one & Yes, he knows what's said here. I've shared many a post with him. He knows exactly how Pickled his brain was back then. But thanks for your concern.

 

Yea right.

 

 

Ha Ha. Yes & way to take that whole thread out of context.

For those that weren't part of it - Give it a read. It was a BS that had spent 20+ years of his life moaning & complaining that his wife had cheated on him. He made no attempt to leave or anything else. He just wanted to compalin. Some people are just like that. They have the Eeyore Syndrome.

A sad life - for sure!

 

^

 

And this is why we still battle cheaters today.

[Memphis Raines]

Ha Ha. Yes & way to take that whole thread out of context.

For those that weren't part of it - Give it a read. It was a BS that had spent 20+ years of his life moaning & complaining that his wife had cheated on him.

 

perhaps it is you that took it out of context.

 

he didn't spend 20+ years moaning and complaining. he spent 20+ years simply conflicted. He didn't complain to his wife all those 20+ years. He tried dealing with it the best he could.

 

and then along comes you who basically says "to hell with his feelings" and insulted him.

 

but we have come to expect nothing less from someone like you who cheated and defends cheaters here at this site.

 

So if you are going to try to get Tony on JMK, then it would be prudent to turn yourself in as well.

 

So yes all, give it a read. And you'll see just how much of a ***** she was to a man in pain over a betrayal who was looking for ways to deal with it.

[What_Next]

It was a BS that had spent 20+ years of his life moaning & complaining that his wife had cheated on him. He made no attempt to leave or anything else. He just wanted to compalin. Some people are just like that. They have the Eeyore Syndrome.

A sad life - for sure!

 

 

That is simply untrue, the poster had indeed tried some strategies to deal with his wife's cheating, all of them had failed. He came here looking for new ideas and in fact he received some and is now attempting to properly deal with he should have dealt with a long time ago. I believe you were insensitive in dealing with him actually and it did in some ways show your true colors.

 

That poster simply did not have the tools to deal with what his wife did to him.

 

Just as you believe some BS paint most WS with the same brush I believe you have a bias against BS. Whether we are trying to deal with the situation properly or not.

 

Eeyore Syndrom, that's a new one on me. Sorry but I have to call it as I see it and in this case I think you are talking out of both sides of your mouth.

[confusedinkansas]

Perhaps with this particular poster I may have been a little insensitive.

However,

Don't most BS's tell WS's that if they are SO unhappy with their spouse, instead of cheating & staying in the marriage - Why don't you just leave & give your spouse the opportunity for a good life? I've seen this posted more times than I can count.

 

Look at this in reverse.....

 

Instead of staying in a marriage & being completely unhappy with your wife who cheated on you....Get the heck outta dodge.

 

This poster (& we're getting off track here) did say that he was unhappy ALL THAT TIME. He did himself & his wife an injustice. He should have left long before the 20+ years.

 

For the record: I've never cheered on a cheater here. I'm the person that tells them that they aren't as horrid as those that bash say they are. I tell them that there is life after infidelity. Which there is. I tell them that they can have a good marriage after the fact. Which is true.

 

I have never said that cheating is the answer. EVER. Because I don't believe that.

I realize that my situation isn't like most. I realize too that for SOME infidelity is a deal breaker. It just doesn't happen to be that way in my marriage.

[John Michael Kane]

Perhaps with this particular poster I may have been a little insensitive.

However,

Don't most BS's tell WS's that if they are SO unhappy with their spouse, instead of cheating & staying in the marriage - Why don't you just leave & give your spouse the opportunity for a good life? I've seen this posted more times than I can count.

 

Look at this in reverse.....

 

Instead of staying in a marriage & being completely unhappy with your wife who cheated on you....Get the heck outta dodge.

 

This poster (& we're getting off track here) did say that he was unhappy ALL THAT TIME. He did himself & his wife an injustice. He should have left long before the 20+ years.

 

For the record: I've never cheered on a cheater here. I'm the person that tells them that they aren't as horrid as those that bash say they are. I tell them that there is life after infidelity. Which there is. I tell them that they can have a good marriage after the fact. Which is true.

 

I have never said that cheating is the answer. EVER. Because I don't believe that.

I realize that my situation isn't like most. I realize too that for SOME infidelity is a deal breaker. It just doesn't happen to be that way in my marriage.

 

Just finished reading the thread.

 

Poor guy. Unremorseful wife for decades. Darn shame.

 

Okay CIK whatever you believe. You're a fanatic on the WS side and I'm a fanatic on the BS side. The fact remains you're still incorrect in every word you stated.

[What_Next]

I tell them that they can have a good marriage after the fact. Which is true.

 

Now I know I am nit-picking to a certain degree here, but this is a blanket statement that I have to somewhat qualify. For "some" it might be possible to have a good marriage. For "some", like me I say no. It simply is not possible. I am speaking from my own personal experience here. My marriage ended when my wife had her affair. Our vows were made null and void on that day. I then further degraded them by having my revenge affair. By definition our marriage has terminated. Our relationship has NOT.

 

I know this may seem like splitting hairs, but it is not, at least not in my opinion. This is my own personal view and my own personal experience speaking. Once a WS decided to participate in an affair the marriage ends.

 

On the whole though I do agree with certain aspects of your post, though which is rare enough.

 

Anyway, my own slice of reality, nothing more.

 

I also 100% agree that we have went way off topic.

[anne1707]

the BS is faultless with regards to their spouses' affair.

 

the health of the marriage is another matter

 

but the WS's choice to cheat and the actual act of cheating, nope.

 

And if you look at my other posts in this thread, you will see that I have already said that.

 

The section you have quoted was more about my frustrations regarding certain posting styles - I think most will understand and feel the same