Memphis Raines Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Nope - Have never defended the actions of a cheater. I just try to help them see that they're not the horrible creatures some here make them out to be. well then they need a different spokesperson, because you aren't helping their cause any:cool: Exactly. Because what's done is done. Can't change it. you didn't say you COULDN'T change it, you said you WOULDN'T change a thing. big difference there punkin. We'll never agree. That's quite obvious. But please stop twisting my words to suit what you believe to be the truth. I'm not twisting your words whatsoever. You backpedal and twist your own. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 well then they need a different spokesperson, because you aren't helping their cause any:cool: I'm not:confused: helping their cause. How do you come up with that? How is telling someone - This will pass * Things will get better *You aren't the horrible monster the BS's (that do) say you are * Time will heal * NC is important * No you can't be their friend.....yadda yadda yadda. What you're basically saying is that if someone has cheated before they have no place here. They have no say & can't even offer words of encouragement or anything else for that matter? Nice! Hmmmm. I'd say you're just being a pessimist about life if you don't think that encouraging words are necessary. I hardly think that tearing someone up when they're already down is the answer at all! So folks the saga continues....this is how cheaters & past cheaters are treated here. Even if they're here to offer words of advice since they themselves have been in the other cheaters shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 So folks the saga continues....this is how cheaters & past cheaters are treated here. Even if they're here to offer words of advice since they themselves have been in the other cheaters shoes. They aren't treated that way by everyone here. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 They aren't treated that way by everyone here. Sorry - I didn't mean every single BS here. I've learned a great deal from many of them. It's the "ugly" ones that give the rest a bad name. again.......sorry Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I'm not:confused: helping their cause. How do you come up with that? How is telling someone - This will pass * Things will get better *You aren't the horrible monster the BS's (that do) say you are * Time will heal * NC is important * No you can't be their friend.....yadda yadda yadda. What you're basically saying is that if someone has cheated before they have no place here. They have no say & can't even offer words of encouragement or anything else for that matter? Nice! Hmmmm. I'd say you're just being a pessimist about life if you don't think that encouraging words are necessary. I hardly think that tearing someone up when they're already down is the answer at all! So folks the saga continues....this is how cheaters & past cheaters are treated here. Even if they're here to offer words of advice since they themselves have been in the other cheaters shoes. Dont let em get to you CIK... I for one like your posts.... Unfortunately my endorsement doesnt go very far around here... hence this thread Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Dont let em get to you CIK... I for one like your posts.... Unfortunately my endorsement doesnt go very far around here... hence this thread Because her posts are aimed at promoting the "ideology" that all BSs are somehow at fault for being cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I've never seen her post anything like that Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Because her posts are aimed at promoting the "ideology" that all BSs are somehow at fault for being cheated on. And you post the "idealogy" that no marriage can recover from infidelity. I don't agree with either. I guess that means whenever someone posts a viewpoint we don't agree with...we should just go for the jugular and be done with it, right? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I guess that means whenever someone posts a viewpoint we don't agree with...we should just go for the jugular and be done with it, right? But of course... because god forbid someone have a difference of opinion and see things differently from people the likes of JMK and "friends". Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I've never seen her post anything like that He thinks that because I post that there is/was trouble in the marriage that both parties contributed to prior to an affair (in most cases) that I blame all BS's for the affairs. Which isn't true. All I've ever said is that <my personal situation> my husband contributed a great deal to the downfall of the marriage prior to the affair. He knows what he did & how he contributed & I know what I did. The marriage was not good for several years prior to the affair & for a few years after. As many of us have stated before, we can only speak of our own situation, share where we've been & how we got to where we are now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 He thinks that because I post that there is/was trouble in the marriage that both parties contributed to prior to an affair (in most cases) that I blame all BS's for the affairs. Which isn't true. All I've ever said is that <my personal situation> my husband contributed a great deal to the downfall of the marriage prior to the affair. He knows what he did & how he contributed & I know what I did. The marriage was not good for several years prior to the affair & for a few years after. As many of us have stated before, we can only speak of our own situation, share where we've been & how we got to where we are now. No BS is responsible for being cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 No BS is responsible for being cheated on. They are responsible for their part in a failed relationship Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 They are responsible for their part in a failed relationship Not everyone one of them are. And even if that is the case, the same can be obviously said for the WS and yet they still chose to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 No BS is responsible for being cheated on. I never said that. YOU keep insisting that's what the sentance means. AKA: Reading between the lines. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Not everyone one of them are. And even if that is the case, the same can be obviously said for the WS and yet they still chose to cheat. The same WILL be said about the WS... the WS chose to cheat and or do whatever else to let their spouse down....and the "BS" chose to do what ever it is they did to let down thier spouse.....no degrees of failure... just FAILURE because the affect of the actions of boh parties is highly subjective Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Heeeey.... We're up to 36 pages now. Get into a pissing contest, guess what you get covered in? Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I never said that. YOU keep insisting that's what the sentance means. AKA: Reading between the lines. You just said it in your previous posts. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 The same WILL be said about the WS... the WS chose to cheat and or do whatever else to let their spouse down....and the "BS" chose to do what ever it is they did to let down thier spouse.....no degrees of failure... just FAILURE because the affect of the actions of boh parties is highly subjective It doesn't matter what the BS did to "let down" their WS in the marriage. They're not at fault for being cheated on, period. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 And you post the "idealogy" that no marriage can recover from infidelity. I don't agree with either. I guess that means whenever someone posts a viewpoint we don't agree with...we should just go for the jugular and be done with it, right? Nobody is going for the jugular on an internet site. It's only expressing opinion and facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I'm not:confused: helping their cause. How do you come up with that? by being insensitive to someone that was betrayed. as if cheating wasn't sh****y and selfish enough as it is, you add that to the mix. What you're basically saying is that if someone has cheated before they have no place here. no, I'm saying that people that have been betrayed don't need a cheater like you to rub their nose in s*** They have no say & can't even offer words of encouragement or anything else for that matter? Nice! no, they can offer words of encouragement to those betrayed. and they can go ahead and coddle their fellow cheaters, so long as they don't try to turn it around on BS's Hmmmm. I'd say you're just being a pessimist about life if you don't think that encouraging words are necessary. hmmmm. I'd say you didn't get it and nowhere did I say anything about telling a cheater they aren't a monster. but rather the idea that they had good reason to do what they did. I hardly think that tearing someone up when they're already down s the answer at all! like you did to that one guy who was in pain? and not even I will tear into a cheater if they truly seem remorseful and willing to right their wrong without any sense of entitlement. I'll go back to my one example, JaneyAmazed. I think she is one of the rare good ones. So folks the saga continues....this is how cheaters & past cheaters are treated here. no, this is the reaction cheaters and past cheaters get when they have a sense of entitlement and like to tell BS's that its basically their fault they were cheated on. Or cheaters that aren't really interested in doing right by their so-called significant others, and only seem fixated on their affair partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Sorry - I didn't mean every single BS here. I've learned a great deal from many of them. It's the "ugly" ones that give the rest a bad name. again.......sorry and its the "ugly" ones that give the cheaters a worse name than they already have. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 They are responsible for their part in a failed relationship exactly, they are partly responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. but not being cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 (edited) exactly, they are partly responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. but not being cheated on. Same as I told JMK - I never said the BS was responsible for the WS cheating. I've always said that the WS & BS are BOTH responsible for whatever happened to the marriage to bring it down..... You & JMK Keep wanting my words to be different than they are & Twist the meaning. like you did to that one guy who was in pain? You can keep bringing this up all you like. HE himself said he's been carrying around resentment for his wife for her cheating for however many 20 god awful years. ANYONE can tell you that IF you are going to carry something with you for that long no amount of REMOURSEFULNESS will make him change his mind about his wife. She could all the sudden out of the clear blue sky become SO VERY SORRY for what she did. (we're not sure that she hasn't already apologized up & down either....Keep in mind we're hearing one side) It still won't change the OP's opinion of her. He's carried this with him for way too long. I still stand by what I said before. He's done himself & his wife a GREAT injustice staying in a marriage & making her think that life is good & that he wants to be there....When the reality is far different from that. Edited June 10, 2011 by confusedinkansas Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Same as I told JMK - I never said the BS was responsible for the WS cheating. I've always said that the WS & BS are BOTH responsible for whatever happened to the marriage to bring it down..... You & JMK Keep wanting my words to be different than they are & Twist the meaning. You can keep bringing this up all you like. HE himself said he's been carrying around resentment for his wife for her cheating for however many 20 god awful years. ANYONE can tell you that IF you are going to carry something with you for that long no amount of REMOURSEFULNESS will make him change his mind about his wife. She could all the sudden out of the clear blue sky become SO VERY SORRY for what she did. (we're not sure that she hasn't already apologized up & down either....Keep in mind we're hearing one side) It still won't change the OP's opinion of her. He's carried this with him for way too long. I still stand by what I said before. He's done himself & his wife a GREAT injustice staying in a marriage & making her think that life is good & that he wants to be there....When the reality is far different from that. For you to sit in judgement regarding how long it takes for true recovery is unbelievably arrogant and shows the kind of self-righteous attitude you consistently take in your posts. Tell me CIK, exactly how long should it take for a BS to "get over" their spouses cheating? Why is my case "way too long"? And by the way, I do not have the power to make my wife think life is good or bad or somewhere in between. No one has this power over another person. What many people discover is that the ugly head of infidelity often rises many years after the initial struggle to reconcile has past. I think this is because often times the BS wants so desperately for things to return to "normal" that they are able to bury their feelings, claim they forgive the WS and try to move ahead with their lives. With continued counseling, this may eventually work for many people, but not for everyone. In my case, until my wife convinced me through both words and deeds that she finally understood that what she did was wrong I was unable to let go of the shame & anger that I had repressed for many years. I wish this could have happened a long time ago, but it happened now and I am feeling much better and believe that ultimate forgiveness is now possible. So it hasn't been "too long" as you say. As I've said many times, for most people their spouses cheating is a profoundly traumatic blow, and healing is process rather than a single event. And it takes as long as it takes, and some people never find peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Memphis Raines Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Same as I told JMK - I never said the BS was responsible for the WS cheating. I've always said that the WS & BS are BOTH responsible for whatever happened to the marriage to bring it down.. you have also told a BS or two that they had a role to play in their spouse cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
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