Could he change his mind?

[Superfish]

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. Apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He doesn't feel that he loves me like he used to and he thinks that the relationship maybe just wasn't right for him.

 

I'm having trouble accepting the break up since I know we could work it out and that we would have an even better relationship if he came back.

 

We were a very good couple, we had a lot of fun together and were very comfortable and happy with each other. But we rushed the relationship way too much. This last year we have been very isolated from other people because we took a year off our studies to work and travel for 4 months.

 

We had a great time during this, but it was also very hard for the both of us to be so close together the whole time. We both knew it wasn't good for us, but I at least felt the relationship was so strong that we would overcome the difficult part and that it would be great once we got back to normal life and our friends. In the mean time we could just enjoy the great travel.

 

I asked him what was the reason for his lost feelings. He said he didn't think the relationship was right for him. He mainly mentioned three reasons:

 

1. He felt the sex didn't work for me. This is true to some extent. We lived together very closely and it was hard for me to get very enthusiastic about having sex with someone I was around the whole time. I started having sex before I was ready thinking I would be more into it as we got on. This of course never worked out, and every time it made it harder for me to want sex again later. However, we did have great sex when we hadn't seen each other for a while or when we were at new, unfamiliar places.

 

2. He needs a lot of time alone and to be able to decide for himself when and how much he wants to hang out with friends. I never denied him any of this, but due to the circumstances, it was always the two of us together, and he always felt he couldn't go hang out with a mate if I was left alone at home.

 

3. He felt he wasn't heard in discussions. He would for example suggest a lot of things to do, which I would reject. If I however suggested something, we would always end up doing it.

 

I very much understand that he has lost his feelings for me. I guess he felt suffocated and that he just couldn't take it anymore. I respect him for finally standing up for himself and breaking out of something that didn't work for him. But I really wish he would've told me sooner so that I had a real chance of making it right for us.

 

Because I think all the reasons he mentioned are very solvable. I think the sex-part isn't a problem at all, since the problem was only due to us being so much together. The hanging out with friends part isn't a problem either, because I too need a lot of space and I would find him even more attractive if he wasn't available the whole time. And the 3rd point I can work on.

 

I've told him all of this. Not in a needy or desperate way, but I wanted him to know that his problems are solvable and that we could start off fresh. Not fall back into the same routine of always being together, but start a new relationship where we really respect each others separate lives.

 

But of course, he cannot come back to me if his feelings are gone. I wouldn't want that either.

 

I plan on giving him all the space and time he needs while I focus on myself and try to move on. I am doing this because I realise he can't get his feelings back as long as he equates me with a relationship that didn't work for him. I'm trying to be the person he first fell in love with. Independent, smiling, happy and charming.

 

So what I'm asking is what you guys think. Is there a probable chance that he might fall in love with me again if I just become myself again and not push him?

[getsback]

Yeah, I mean there is always a chance. Its dosnt sound like the relationship cannot be saved, so that's a good thing.

 

I think all the things you have done can only work in your favour. You let him know you want to change to save the relationship. You havnt begged or pleaded. And you are giving him all the space he needs. Perfect.

 

Now you need to do the hard bit and try and accept he isn't coming back. Not because he isn't. But so you are prepared incase he dosnt. If you wait for him expecting him to come back and he dosnt, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain.

 

Personally, from what you have said, I think there could quite possibly be a chance to work things out at some point. But hope for the best and prepare for the worst!

 

Good luck

[Superfish]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who thinks there is still hope. I have one more question though:

 

He is still very sexually attracted to me. He tells me he wants me sexually, but since he doesn't have feelings for me, he won't try anything. He says he doesn't wanna hurt me anymore. I wonder if me coming on to him, like teasing him by telling him how I want him and such, things I know hits home with him, without ever giving in and actually do something, will that help me get him back? I mean, one of his issues was that he didn't feel he could please me sexually. Maybe if I show him how turned on by him I am, maybe that'll help him change his mind? Or will it only make him think I'm desperate? Or worse, will I turn him on just to have him go to some other girl for relief?

[rayne05us]

If you want to SAVE your relationship, don't come onto him, don't even contact him!! Give him what he wants, space...let him feel what's it like fully to be without you. If you want to just have him has a f*ck buddy, then that's different....but you can't have both. Decice what you want and if it's to have a chance with him, then cut off contact completely. That's the only way he's going to know if he wants to come back if he's confused. For now, take care of yourself and make yourself happy...go out with friends, take trips, do what you want to do!! It will figure itself out. Best of Luck!!

[Superfish]

Ok. No teasing him. Not even if he starts? It's just for fun though, just plain teasing and laughing about it. Anyway. It's hard not to have any contact. We're in the same class, we have the same group of people that we hang with (although we don't share close friends).

 

He also says that if we should have a shot of getting back together, we would have to get to know each other as friends first. We weren't friends before we started dating, and I guess he feels that I don't really know the "real him".

 

Also, he is very happy with being single. He loves the freedom and says he isn't even interested in girls now, he just wants to be free. That's good for me I guess, at least he won't go after someone else right away.

 

It's been such a transition for him since we broke up. From being together 24/7 to suddenly be free to hang out with whoever he wants whenever. Of course he loves his freedom after such an intense period with me.

 

I worry that he lost his feelings for me because he didn't feel respected and admired by me. He says I'm a very strong person and that he is normally too, but with me he just got submissive right away. He says that we don't fit together as a couple because of this. It's just not a good match.

 

That is why I think this break up is good for us in the long run. Because I will cherish him more and he will get his power back since he's already shown he can break up with me. The relationship would be more balanced. I've missed that too, that we were more equal. I always felt I was more in power, maybe because I think he loved me more than I did him.

 

But do you think he would really come back to me when he believes that we just don't fit together? We really do fit, I just need to back off a little and let him be more in control, and he needs to step up and take charge of himself.

 

I've tried to tell him that we could work it out, that I think we could be better off in such a relationship, it would be better for me too. But he keeps saying that we've tried, and it didn't work. However, he also says that this is still very fresh to him. Maybe he just needs time to figure this out on his own? The only problem is that he doesn't think that much about us now. He is just busy with himself and his social life, and he doesn't miss me or have any desire to work it out with me. But maybe he will, after a while?

 

Am I just clinging on to false hope?

[rayne05us]

Listen, I know all of this is hard, but you have to see this for what it is. I'm not saying he's a bad person or he's doing this on purpose....but if you become friends with him, he will just string you along. He said...well if there's a chance at saving this then we should be friends first. That's bull*****. Obiviously if he tells you that, you're gonna want to be friends with him right? That's not being real friends. It will be fake and it would feel fake. You know you don't wanna really be friends with him.

 

Also, you are able to not hang around him if you have close friends (trust me, I've had to do that). Give him some mystery. Let him wonder about you....if he sees you every weekend or whatev, he know's he's got you by the string. Use this time to make new friends!!

 

And about the respect thing? Do you agree with him on that? I mean, for me love is alll about trust, loyalty and respect. You're in a relationship so you CAN feel all of those things, not take them away. If he feels emasculated is it something he's feeling or is it something you're contributing to make him feel that way? I would figure that one out during this time as well.

 

So it sounds like you have a lot of work to do:

 

1.) Finding some new friends (and make sure these are good, positive poeple)

2.) Finding some new places to hang out

3.) Taking care of yourself and your needs

4.) Addressing the issues of the relationship

 

Regardless of whether this will save this relationship all of this will help in future relationships and help you grow as a person, which is some that should continually happen throughout your life.

[Superfish]

Thank you for the tips on how to move on! I will definitely try and make new friends. I think that'll help.

 

About the respect:

 

And about the respect thing? Do you agree with him on that? I mean, for me love is alll about trust, loyalty and respect. You're in a relationship so you CAN feel all of those things, not take them away. If he feels emasculated is it something he's feeling or is it something you're contributing to make him feel that way? I would figure that one out during this time as well.

.

 

I did respect him of course. What I tried to say was that maybe he felt he wasn't valued as a man... I've read somewhere that not feeling admired as a man is one of the top reasons why guys break out of a relationship. The fact that he didn't feel he could please me would sure make him feel that way? And the fact that he felt unable to do whatever he wanted at all times, I guess that made him feel he wasn't in charge and hence emasculated. Also with the discussions we had where I would always "win". I'm a better at talking than he is, so it was pretty easy for me to argue my way while he couldn't respond properly. I didn't try to walk all over him, I just didn't reflect on how he felt about it. He always seemed so happy to do things my way, because it made me happy. He says I can make him do anything, both because he loves (loved) me so much and because I'm "stronger". I guess that kind of behaviour could only last so long...

 

I respect him a lot. I know he's terribly smart even though he isn't very good at communicating and arguing his points. Now that I am made aware of these issues and that they are such a big deal for him, I would definitely back down and respect a simple no from him without trying to convince him in any way. I just wish I realised this sooner.

[Graceful]

There is a school of thought that basically says that we bring on our own misery. You're going to bring on much more misery than is necessary if you hold out hope in this situation and hope for an outcome that is never going to happen.

 

So begin accepting your ex's decision and see it for what it is: final. I don't care what caveats he has put on it right now. It's final. Just read between the lines.

 

Consider yourself one of the luckiest people on this website. Why you ask? Because your ex has given you concrete, solid, reasonable and final explanations for the breakup, and since they are non-negotiable, there is absolutely no reason for you to be in limbo or hold out hope for anything to change, and that includes him changing his mind.

 

He told you that you and he are not a good match. Not that you're a bad person, he didn't criticize you or try to make you feel bad about yourself in any way.

 

But you're a bad match for him. And that's a fact. You can't change it.

 

So what's the story, Morning Glory?

 

Also, he is very happy with being single. He loves the freedom.

 

I worry that he lost his feelings for me because he didn't feel respected and admired by me. He says I'm a very strong person and that he is normally too, but with me he just got submissive right away. He says that we don't fit together as a couple because of this. It's just not a good match.

 

BINGO.

 

That is why I think this break up is good for us in the long run. Because I will cherish him more and he will get his power back since he's already shown he can break up with me.

 

I always felt I was more in power, maybe because I think he loved me more than I did him.

 

But do you think he would really come back to me when he believes that we just don't fit together? We really do fit, I just need to back off a little and let him be more in control, and he needs to step up and take charge of himself.

Not gonna happen. You need an entirely different person that can handle the way you are, and someone who elicits a certain type of response for you. You said it yourself, you just didn't love him "enough" -- and that says it all.

 

If there's anything I get tired of around here is the idea that someone says, "I love you" as though it's one size fits all. IT IS NOT. There is love from one to ten. One is love-sick, just barely above infatuation. Ten is the kind of love for marriage, commitment, devotion, deep, through thick and thin kind of love. So just b/c you say you love someone, is it always a "10" ??? No. No, it is not. So you and your ex were and are at very different places on that scale, and that's not going to change.

 

You didn't look up to him, you did not make him feel needed or wanted during the relationship, and it's too late now to pretend that's something you can capture. Someone will come along who will make you feel that way. Your ex was not that person. And that's the kind of woman he really needs. He knows that you're not right for him.

 

Know what? He deserves someone who can give him what he needs naturally. Not someone who is *trying* to give him what he needs, and that's you.

 

I've tried to tell him that we could work it out, that I think we could be better off in such a relationship, it would be better for me too. But he keeps saying that we've tried, and it didn't work.

I have to agree with your BF. You know, relationships do require effort and work and maintenance. But there is also such a thing as broken beyond repair and "work" becoming a way of life for a relationship that you have to just know when to call it a day.

 

Sounds like it's time to call it a day. Sorry, but you have the opportunity to walk away with dignity and keep your self-respect intact. So take it.

[rayne05us]

I agree with you, most I feel want to be amired and respected and most women want to feel appreciated and not taken for granted. So that is definitely something you can work on, especially if you already recognize it as an issue. But you going to have to make sure it's a sound change before contacting him again (hence the no contact)...

 

Also, if you feel the communication is lacking that is something that is KEY to a healthy relationship and something that should be addressed. I took this from another post I wrote earlier that kinda describes my idea of good communication:

 

Good communication is key. To me, good is communication means that you choose your words in such a way that you completely express what you're feeling and that the person understands you. In addition the other person needs to be able to listen and accept what you're saying and effectlively communicated back to you. From there, your work on a resolution together. For me, that's the healthiest way.

 

So it looks like there are a good amount of things you can work on if he chooses to get back together with you, but neither of you can half ass it. Take a good solid break from him. Life your life and work on your issues and then see what the next step after that.

[Delilah5]

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. Apparently he doesn't feel the same anymore. He doesn't feel that he loves me like he used to and he thinks that the relationship maybe just wasn't right for him.

 

I'm having trouble accepting the break up since I know we could work it out and that we would have an even better relationship if he came back.

 

We were a very good couple, we had a lot of fun together and were very comfortable and happy with each other. But we rushed the relationship way too much. This last year we have been very isolated from other people because we took a year off our studies to work and travel for 4 months.

 

We had a great time during this, but it was also very hard for the both of us to be so close together the whole time. We both knew it wasn't good for us, but I at least felt the relationship was so strong that we would overcome the difficult part and that it would be great once we got back to normal life and our friends. In the mean time we could just enjoy the great travel.

 

I asked him what was the reason for his lost feelings. He said he didn't think the relationship was right for him. He mainly mentioned three reasons:

 

1. He felt the sex didn't work for me. This is true to some extent. We lived together very closely and it was hard for me to get very enthusiastic about having sex with someone I was around the whole time. I started having sex before I was ready thinking I would be more into it as we got on. This of course never worked out, and every time it made it harder for me to want sex again later. However, we did have great sex when we hadn't seen each other for a while or when we were at new, unfamiliar places.

 

2. He needs a lot of time alone and to be able to decide for himself when and how much he wants to hang out with friends. I never denied him any of this, but due to the circumstances, it was always the two of us together, and he always felt he couldn't go hang out with a mate if I was left alone at home.

 

3. He felt he wasn't heard in discussions. He would for example suggest a lot of things to do, which I would reject. If I however suggested something, we would always end up doing it.

 

I very much understand that he has lost his feelings for me. I guess he felt suffocated and that he just couldn't take it anymore. I respect him for finally standing up for himself and breaking out of something that didn't work for him. But I really wish he would've told me sooner so that I had a real chance of making it right for us.

 

Because I think all the reasons he mentioned are very solvable. I think the sex-part isn't a problem at all, since the problem was only due to us being so much together. The hanging out with friends part isn't a problem either, because I too need a lot of space and I would find him even more attractive if he wasn't available the whole time. And the 3rd point I can work on.

 

I've told him all of this. Not in a needy or desperate way, but I wanted him to know that his problems are solvable and that we could start off fresh. Not fall back into the same routine of always being together, but start a new relationship where we really respect each others separate lives.

 

But of course, he cannot come back to me if his feelings are gone. I wouldn't want that either.

 

I plan on giving him all the space and time he needs while I focus on myself and try to move on. I am doing this because I realise he can't get his feelings back as long as he equates me with a relationship that didn't work for him. I'm trying to be the person he first fell in love with. Independent, smiling, happy and charming.

 

So what I'm asking is what you guys think. Is there a probable chance that he might fall in love with me again if I just become myself again and not push him?

Maybe-but probably not. Don't have any contact and leave him to do what he wants, like you are now. In the meantime, focus on you. You're the only one that can control you. Learn from this experience and go out and enjoy yourself. Perhaps you'll find someone who will never stop caring about you.

[Superfish]

I didn't mention that he almost broke up with me two months ago while we were on our 4 month trip. Then he said he couldn't do it anymore. It was so hard on him to be with me all the time. He cried and said he didn't think it would work out. But then I managed to say to what we could do to fix the relationship. And after that he said everything got better. He said he needed to hear me say the things I said. And he seemed happy and relieved after that. He said everything was better now and that he didn't have any problems after that.

 

But I was devastated. It was a total shocker that he had such big issues that he almost ended it with me. I knew how much he loved me so I never saw it coming. So I tried to be happy and fun to be around, and it worked for maybe 4 days in a row. Then I would burst and cry about it. This went on all the way till we got back home. I knew he needed space, and I tried giving it to him, but it is VERY difficult to do so when we were together 24/7 and I didn't have anyone else to talk to or anywhere to be alone to process what had happened.

 

Only a few days before he broke up with me he told me I had nothing to worry about, that it would always be the two of us. And that he loved me. I felt it too, I could feel that he meant it. However, when he got to have a few days on his own for the first time in 4 months, he apparently figured out he couldn't continue.

 

By the way, when he almost broke up with me 2 months ago, I said I was going to have to go home and not continue our trip. He really didn't see that coming, and he was devastated to hear that. He actually said: "Well, then we're not broken up". He wanted to be with me still, he couldn't bare the thought that I would go home. Doesn't that sound like he really wants to be with me, only that the relationship was to suffocating on him? Because if so, we really have a chance. We could make a whole new relationship.

 

I guess this is what he thought back then too, because of the things I said we could do to fix it. But we never got a chance to put those changes into life, as we were still on our trip and still had to be around each other 24/7. And it annoys me so much, because we wouldn't be in this position if he had just let us try and make it right now that we are back home. I never got a chance to show him how good we could be again.

 

Oh, and on Valentine's Day I got a lovely card where he'd written that I could make him smile on a bad day, that my smile and my eyes gave him the butterflies and that I was everything he dreamed of and everything he wanted. And that he loved me.

 

I actually asked him about that card when he broke up. Hadn't he meant it? He said he had, but also said that the relationship didn't work for him.

 

In my opinion, it seems as though he loves me deep down and wants to be with me, but the problems with the relationship is casting a shadow over these feelings right now. He just found his freedom and he is loving not having to worry about me the whole time. I totally get it. But I can't let go of the thought that it really is me and him. That he will come back to me when he has had enough time on his own and has got his balance back.

[LifeIsGreat]

I was waiting for someone to say what Graceful said. Bottom line: you guys simply are NOT compatible.

 

I'm not sure why sometimes we try to force a square peg into a round hole. I have done it in the past, but will not do it any longer. Trying to force incompatible relationships just causes too much pain and prolongs the inevitable.

 

If we're honest with ourselves, some of these 1,2, and 3 year relationships should have ended within the first 3-6 months. Had that happened, there would have been so much less heartache and more time to find the "right" one.

[Superfish]

I accept that he has broken up with me and that he might not come back. But I don't accept what you are saying about us not being compatible.

 

Our issues are silly and easily fixable without me or him changing who we are. Our problems were caused by the situation we have been in this last year. We worked at the same small office, came home to our house and spent every evening together. The few times we went out, we were together. We had a great time during this. I think very few couples could do what we have done. We also moved in together after only 6 weeks as a couple. Also then we didn't have many friends around, so it was pretty much us all the time back then as well.

 

We got onto a wrong track from the start. But we had a blast while it lasted. The changes needed to be made in order for a new relationship to work aren't big. I don't need to change as a person. I just need to change how I react to how he's behaving.

 

Who's to say that these things must be right and perfect from the start? I don't believe that. And I think that if we had been in a normal situation from the start, we would have worked these things out along the way. In my opinion, we were doomed to get into trouble because of our situation (got isolated from other people right from the start and never had time apart from each other). But that doesn't mean we're incompatible!

[LifeIsGreat]

The fact that you believe these "issues" fixable and he doesn't (i.e.- the break-up) means you guys are not compatible.

 

I have been in the same situation as you, thinking our issues were easily fixable-- and I know how frustrated you are. But the fact is, my ex's didn't-- so it's all moot.

 

I believe there are women out there (maybe like you) who can be more positive and willing to work out these 'fixable' issues. THAT is the kind of woman I want and the kind of woman I am compatible with. I am NOT compatible with a 'runner'.

 

So, I know it sucks but I have to say it again-- you guys are not compatible.

[Graceful]

I was waiting for someone to say what Graceful said.

Thanks. The OP doesn't seem to think so obviously, since she ignored my response, even if I am 100 percent on the money.

 

Is the irony of what the OP is doing here lost on everyone but me? I mean really? I'm just sitting here feeling like I have a front row seat to a show on IRONY.

 

One of the key reasons the OP's BF broke off the relationship? She doesn't listen to him. That's right, it's in black and white, crystal clear; he said it, clearly, to her face.

 

And what is she doing? Ta-Da! She's not listening!!

 

Case closed. I wish I had the BF's contact information so I could tell him to RUN, and keep running, that he is right to finally do what was in his gut for a very long time.

 

Who says he can't still love her and STILL KNOW she's completely devoid of what he needs and wants? Who says that he doesn't know the relationship has run its course (and yes, is loooong overdue)? Maybe it took him time to get the guts to speak up because the OP was always cutting him off, not listening to him, not respecting him, and being so damn selfish that he couldn't get a word in edgewise.

 

You're so self-involved, it's as though you're in the relationship just to be loved and admired, basking in the attention. OH, the horror, he finally admitted you're not "all that" and you have to prove that you are! Well, you're not, sorry to have to tell ya.

 

Time for a reality check.

 

Sorry, to find "dark" humor in this, but I'm sitting here shaking my head, banging it against the keyboard, seeing the irony and what is right in front of this person's face, that she just refuses to see.

 

BTW, I didn't say you aren't compatible. I just repeated that your BF said you aren't a good match. FOR HIM.

 

He does not find you a good match for him. SO how is that fixable? It's not.

 

You're sitting here telling us just your side of the story, after telling us your BF said you don't give him what he needs. Who said he didn't have a good time with you or had fun with you, or any of that? Who said that he didn't enjoy living with you? No one, not even him.

 

So stop trying to justify that the problems are fixable or trivial. Just the idea you are saying that ... you're not listening to him! Cheesh. Incredible. Truly incredible.

 

Our issues are silly and easily fixable without me or him changing who we are. Our problems were caused by the situation we have been in this last year.

 

We got onto a wrong track from the start. But we had a blast while it lasted. The changes needed to be made in order for a new relationship to work aren't big. I don't need to change as a person. I just need to change how I react to how he's behaving.

You must be kidding. Seriously. You think this is all that's wrong? So funny, please tell me you're joking.

 

Again, I didn't call you incompatible, so you can pick that bone with someone else.

 

I'm just going to say this one last time: You're not a good match for him. He might be a good match for YOU, but you're not a good match for him. You're not listening.

 

And BTW, you're welcome. You're not thanking anyone for taking the time to respond to you, and that tells me something right there. You might try putting "thank you" into your lexicon, it goes a long way.

 

And one last thing: you're not likable. You might want to work on that. Are you listening?

Edited May 15, 2011 by Graceful

[Superfish]

Hehe, I guess I'm having trouble letting go...

 

But still. What if I am compatible with a "runner"? I honestly really respect him for leaving us now. We both needed it. It has been very hard for the both of us these last couple of months, and even though I am heartbroken because we're not together anymore, I realise there was no way around it. Or at least that it is the best thing that could happen if we were to get back together. Because now we get time apart to sort of find ourselves again. I haven't felt myself the last 4 months because I never had any time for myself.

 

I think that is why our problems got so big and hard for him to deal with. Not because they are normally dealbreaking (remember that we are generally great together and make each other very happy, so those issues I listed are minor compared to the rest), but because we didn't have that time apart that we both need to function properly.

 

I need a lot of time on my own. That is who I am, and that is who he is too. The only difference is that he needs his alone-time much more than I do. I could cope with the situation for a little longer, he couldn't. So he burst.

 

He's the kind of person who could easily spend 3 days all alone (even longer), doing nothing at all. He doesn't need company like "normal" people do. He even tested me on this in one of our talks recently. He said he didn't think we're a good fit, because he doesn't believe I could handle him being unavailable for 3-4-5 days in a row. Even on weekends. But I am! I have no problems with that, I just haven't been able to show him that before.

 

To be honest, I was also on my way to feel like he does now a few months back. I didn't "feel" it that much anymore. But then he caught me to it and almost broke up with me. After that I realised how much I really loved him, and I fell in love with him all over again. Kinda like that old saying: you don't know what you have until you lose it. So I'm thinking that he will get to that himself after he realises he has lost me. He really wants us to hang out and do everything we did before (without the sex obviously), so he hasn't had that feeling of losing me yet. But he will, and when he's ready for it, he will come back to me. I know it!

 

He's a weird guy. He never gets interested in girls, I am like the only one he ever even considered.

 

I don't know why I get so defensive on this compatible discussion... I just really believe we are great together and that we can be even better if we start fresh after a while. I would like to try in maybe a month or two. He was open for that. Just to hang out and see where it took us.

[Superfish]

Wow.

 

Why would you tell someone who's heartbroken that they're not likable? Where's your heart at? Even if I do tick you off with what I write. I'm fighting for something I believe in, should I apologise for not agreeing with you? I'm impressed by your enthusiasm in this at least.

 

As for the thank yous, I agree. Thanks to all you repliers. I do appreciate it. I guess I haven't got this forum etiquette going for me yet.