Broke NC...

[JasonRules]

I have to agree with betterdeal, sounds like things are going well for you, Jason - glad to hear that.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder if we're not our own worst enemies. It seems we build up the other person to be much bigger than what they really are in our minds and this clouds our judgement. We idealize them beyond what anyone would consider "normal".

[JasonRules]

In the end, I will turn the tables on my ex and she will be the one chasing me. The same way my previous exes were.

 

In order to do this though you need to reach a neutral state of mind and/or emotional involvement.

 

As the addage goes: "If you are afraid to lose it, it will consume and control you"

[fetish]

That addage makes a lot of sense.

 

That's good to hear you're back on friendly terms with your ex. Have you actually really " hooked up" with anyone since her?

 

I'm asking based on what you said about getting over your ex by finding someone else. I sometimes think that at this point, thinking about what my ex might be doing with someone else won't phase me as much if i hooked up with another girl.

[Kodo]

In the end, I will turn the tables on my ex and she will be the one chasing me. The same way my previous exes were.

 

You say that with such.. determinism? How? How are you so sure about this? Is it just a statistical thing that you know will occur in the majority of dumpers? Is it just a feeling? Is it something you're calculating?

 

I'm not trying to argue against you, I just want to understand.

[JasonRules]

That addage makes a lot of sense.

 

That's good to hear you're back on friendly terms with your ex. Have you actually really " hooked up" with anyone since her?

 

I'm asking based on what you said about getting over your ex by finding someone else. I sometimes think that at this point, thinking about what my ex might be doing with someone else won't phase me as much if i hooked up with another girl.

 

 

I started dating since I went NC (2+ months). In the beginning I was constantly thinking about my ex in the back of my mind, but I've gone out on about 16-20 dates. Yesterday morning my ex called me and we spoke for about an hour. It was a normal conversation without any bad feelings, talk about the past, emotions, I miss you, etc etc.

 

Oddly enough speaking to her normally made me break these Goddess like ideas I had built up in my head about her. Obviously time and distance had passed and this was possible. Then later that day I went on a date that ended up lasting 7 hours. I had a great time and never once did I think about my ex.

 

For me the key is planting "seeds" in my exes head. For example, she was texting me prior to her calling and we were going back and forth. I asked her what's she's been up to, so she said she's been hitting the gym. When she said that this gave me an opportunity to send her a recent body shot of my torso, chest, stomach etc. The past months I've been hitting the gym like a maniac and am ripped. I sent her the picture with a message like "Same for me, I've just been hitting the gym 4-5 times per week". Now obviously, she didn't text a comment back, but during the phone conversation she said "So I see you've been hitting the gym quite a bit. Very nice...". The fact that she brought this up means that she was impressed by what she saw, otherwise she would have not said anything. Sending her the photo in a way is planting a "seed" in her mind. My face is not show in the photo so that also adds some mystery.

 

Now the next steps are to disappear again. She's no longer bitter/angry at me. Her guard is slowly coming down and eventually she will open up. She will have to eventually get in touch with me to give me back my things. When that happens, if you want to get them back, arrange a meeting look fantastic and relaxed. Don't talk about the past, reconciliation, your feelings, if you or they are dating others, nothing. Just be yourself happy, funny, and relaxed. If the woman had a genuine attraction to you in the beginning and she/he sees you're the same person again they will start finding you appealing once again.

[JasonRules]

You say that with such.. determinism? How? How are you so sure about this? Is it just a statistical thing that you know will occur in the majority of dumpers? Is it just a feeling? Is it something you're calculating?

 

I'm not trying to argue against you, I just want to understand.

 

I think its a combination of confidence and also learning from the past. You cannot force someone to be with you, but you can do things which will make you very appealing in their eyes and increase your chances.

 

I have had conversations with most of my exes later on and they told me what mistakes I had made, what worked and what didn't work and they eventually got back to me.

 

For example, I asked my ex from some years ago recently:

 

"How did you feel when I was pursuing you and tried to save the relationship by calling, texting, sending you flowers etc".

 

She said: "I secretly admired your persistence, but the more you tried the more I was determined to stick to my guns and not be with you. Eventually, when you lay off the pressure and went into LC, but would do random nice things for me and disappear again that made me think of you more and more and you became appealing to me once again because you didn't expect nor ask anything of me".

[JasonRules]

If you have read "The art of War" by Sun Tzu some of his quotes which you can apply to life and relationships in general are:

 

Opportunities multiply as they are seized

 

Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the "opponent's" fate.

 

If you know the "enemy" and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles.

 

 

Know thy self, know thy "enemy". A thousand battles, a thousand victories.

 

Know your "enemy" and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.

 

Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.

 

Supreme excellence consists in breaking the "enemy's" resistance without fighting.

 

 

The supreme art of war is to subdue the "enemy" without fighting

 

 

You have to believe in yourself

 

To fight and conquer in all our battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the "enemy's" resistance without fighting

 

 

 

 

 

[GivenUp0083]

@JasonRules

 

Where are you finding these other dating prospects? Are friends setting you up? Are you making random conversation with women at the coffee shop and asking for their numbers?

[muzik_lvr]

The past months I've been hitting the gym like a maniac and am ripped. I sent her the picture with a message like "Same for me, I've just been hitting the gym 4-5 times per week".

 

Not sure that sending her a pic of your body was the best thing to do. Seems like you are trying to prove something to her. Glad to hear you're getting over her though.

[JasonRules]

@JasonRules

 

Where are you finding these other dating prospects? Are friends setting you up? Are you making random conversation with women at the coffee shop and asking for their numbers?

 

In the current day and age its best to use a "multi-pronged" approach. A combination of online dating websites, coffee shops, lounges, bars, wine bars, sporting events etc is a good place to start.

 

You need to remove your emotional baggage, work out, look good, and take care of yourself. The better you become, the more confidence you have and the more appealing you are to women. Case in point, all my dates thus far have found me attractive. How do I know? Because all of them last for more than 4 hours. The more confident and positive you are the more women are drawn to you.

 

Aside from this I don't bombard any girl I've gone out on a date with constantly with text messages, emails, and/or phone calls. In most cases the only kind of contact I have with them is to make plans to go out (after 3-4 days) and when I actually will see them. I don't spend hours upon hours talking to them on the phone. I always keep things short and sweet. Don't make yourself way too available and let their be a little mystery and intrigue about you. Keep them guessing and they will be drawn to you naturally.

 

Obviously, I'm not telling you to play games with someone. If you have no interest or desire to date them, then the honorable thing to do is let them know so you don't string anyone along.

[plasma]

So I broke NC today after just over 2 months. I asked for my stuff back (CDs, scarf which was a gift from my father) and the money she had borrowed from me last year (almost 1K). My tone in the text was pretty unemotional and cold.

 

She replied with "Yes of course".

 

That's it. No "How are you doing?", "How have you been?", "What's new?" etc. Absolutely nothing, not that I was expecting that anyway.

 

I just wanted to post this so people see that our exes aren't in pain or "struggling" to find themselves etc etc. They simply don't care, which is why we shouldn't either.

 

didnt read none of the replies here, but it looks like your still expecting from her : a bit co-dependant on her : still have feelings and not 100% resolved fom her.

[JasonRules]

Not sure that sending her a pic of your body was the best thing to do. Seems like you are trying to prove something to her. Glad to hear you're getting over her though.

 

Actually what I did was plant an idea in her head. The idea is "Hmm, he's single and he now looks like that".

 

In her mind, she will think that a lot of women are finding me desirable (ie. high demand), but I am not chasing after my ex or making myself available to her (ie. low supply).

 

When you have a case of low supply and high demand then the desirability levels increase dramatically. I'll give you an example:

 

Have you ever walked in a jewerly store to buy a piece of coal? Obviously the answer is no, but why? Because coal is pretty common and easily available (high supply) and because of this there is nothing special or unique about it so demand or desirability is very low.

 

But walk in any jewerly shop and try to buy a little diamond, which is nothing more than pressurized carbon, and you're expected to pay thousands. Why is this?

 

Because diamond are rare (low supply) and there is a very high demand for them so their desirability is very high.

 

By increasing your demand and lowering your supply or availability to someone you increase your desirability/value.

[GivenUp0083]

In the current day and age its best to use a "multi-pronged" approach. A combination of online dating websites, coffee shops, lounges, bars, wine bars, sporting events etc is a good place to start.

 

You need to remove your emotional baggage, work out, look good, and take care of yourself. The better you become, the more confidence you have and the more appealing you are to women. Case in point, all my dates thus far have found me attractive. How do I know? Because all of them last for more than 4 hours. The more confident and positive you are the more women are drawn to you.

 

Aside from this I don't bombard any girl I've gone out on a date with constantly with text messages, emails, and/or phone calls. In most cases the only kind of contact I have with them is to make plans to go out (after 3-4 days) and when I actually will see them. I don't spend hours upon hours talking to them on the phone. I always keep things short and sweet. Don't make yourself way too available and let their be a little mystery and intrigue about you. Keep them guessing and they will be drawn to you naturally.

 

Obviously, I'm not telling you to play games with someone. If you have no interest or desire to date them, then the honorable thing to do is let them know so you don't string anyone along.

 

I've done a lot of online dating, I already follow those guidelines. I'd say I'm not worried about it once I've met them and made contact. I do very well on dates, typically the good ones last 4+ hours like you said, and I almost always get a second date.

 

For me it's finding and approaching ones where I live. I live in downtown Chicago, girls seem very standoffish in public. What do you say when you approach them? How to you begin the interraction? I have my methods but approaching random women in public has never lead me to a date with them, but I've always done very well once I've landed the actual date via online dating.

 

Since I haven't done this in a while, and with summer coming up, what are some tips to starting conversations with women? Do you ask for their number or do you set up the date right there? What do you say to them?

[JasonRules]

I've done a lot of online dating, I already follow those guidelines. I'd say I'm not worried about it once I've met them and made contact. I do very well on dates, typically the good ones last 4+ hours like you said, and I almost always get a second date.

 

For me it's finding and approaching ones where I live. I live in downtown Chicago, girls seem very standoffish in public. What do you say when you approach them? How to you begin the interraction? I have my methods but approaching random women in public has never lead me to a date with them, but I've always done very well once I've landed the actual date via online dating.

 

Since I haven't done this in a while, and with summer coming up, what are some tips to starting conversations with women? Do you ask for their number or do you set up the date right there? What do you say to them?

 

 

When you're in the city always try to look for situational ice breakers. For example, if you see something funny or wierd make a comment. If she's receptive and makes one back then boom you have a conversation starter.

 

I'll give you an example; some years ago I was playing beach volleyball on North Ave. When I was done I was walking back home to Lakeview and a girl was walking along with me for quite a long time, so I looked at her and said in a joking manner "I noticed you've been walking next to me for some time now. Did someone hire you to wack me?"

 

She smiled and we took it from there. We were walking together for 30 minutes, chatting etc. I never asked her for her cell becauseI was in a relationship, but I just wanted to illustrate a point. You can meet someone anywhere, anytime, for any reason.

[JasonRules]

I've done a lot of online dating, I already follow those guidelines. I'd say I'm not worried about it once I've met them and made contact. I do very well on dates, typically the good ones last 4+ hours like you said, and I almost always get a second date.

 

For me it's finding and approaching ones where I live. I live in downtown Chicago, girls seem very standoffish in public. What do you say when you approach them? How to you begin the interraction? I have my methods but approaching random women in public has never lead me to a date with them, but I've always done very well once I've landed the actual date via online dating.

 

Since I haven't done this in a while, and with summer coming up, what are some tips to starting conversations with women? Do you ask for their number or do you set up the date right there? What do you say to them?

 

With regards to phone numbers, you never ask a woman right off the bat for phone numbers. You let some time to pass by so you can build a rapport with her and she feels a certain comfort with you so she knows you're not a freak/wierdo.

 

Also, never use pickup lines EVER. Women are sick of them. Just be normal and yourself.

[plasma]

I was about to send text message with a pic to my ex right now! instead ill post in your thread jason lol...safer place here then dangling my emotions waiting for a text back !

 

stay strong bro!

[JasonRules]

I was about to send text message with a pic to my ex right now! instead ill post in your thread jason lol...safer place here then dangling my emotions waiting for a text back !

 

stay strong bro!

 

 

Tread carefully when it comes to emotions because your exes still control you in a way. When you are free of them in the true sense you can do whatever you want because then you won't care if they respond or not.

[plasma]

Tread carefully when it comes to emotions because your exes still control you in a way. When you are free of them in the true sense you can do whatever you want because then you won't care if they respond or not.

 

 

I hear you bro!

 

rather not text anything because it will hurt if she doesnt text back , we had a life togther, lived together, built a small life, im still at the place we aquirred togther, she left so i must be vigilant in this until im 100%

[GivenUp0083]

With regards to phone numbers, you never ask a woman right off the bat for phone numbers. You let some time to pass by so you can build a rapport with her and she feels a certain comfort with you so she knows you're not a freak/wierdo.

 

Also, never use pickup lines EVER. Women are sick of them. Just be normal and yourself.

 

I understand, I guess I'm used to just being tunnell visioned in daily life that I don't barter enough with random people. That's something I'll have to work on doing. Shouldn't be too difficult considering I have nothing to lose from doing so.

 

I realize you don't ask for the number right away. You have to talk to them and get them confortable with you first. You may even realize they're weird after doing so for a while. How do you pop that question up though to continue the conversation or set up a date? What do you say?

[JasonRules]

I hear you bro!

 

rather not text anything because it will hurt if she doesnt text back , we had a life togther, lived together, built a small life, im still at the place we aquirred togther, she left so i must be vigilant in this until im 100%

 

 

I suggest going out on casual dates even if you're heart is not in it. Force your body to do it and your heart will follow eventually. Last night after 2+ months of NC, a one hour phone conversation with my ex, and a great date I finally had an epiphany in the car on the way back home.

 

I had such a great time on the date, I did not think of my ex not even for one moment out of the 7 hours we spent together. I'm almost free.

 

You need to take steps to free yourself as well.

[plasma]

god damn it !@#@@!!!!!!!!!!!

 

she text me and i text back, i even threw a pic in there

 

im a dummy dummy dummy !!!!! argggggggggggggggggg:mad:

[fetish]

I don't know Jason!

 

I'm still not convinced you're completely over your ex. But you're pushing forward and that's the most important part. Good stuff

[JasonRules]

I don't know Jason!

 

I'm still not convinced you're completely over your ex. But you're pushing forward and that's the most important part. Good stuff

 

 

I am not 100% over my ex; I have no problem admitting this, but I have made excellent progress and am moving forward with my life. There are parts of me which wishes for a reconciliation, but other times I think maybe its just best to move on. I have met some beautiful and interesting women and perhaps its better to start off with a clean slate.

 

We shall see what the future has in store for us...

[plasma]

I am not 100% over my ex; I have no problem admitting this, but I have made excellent progress and am moving forward with my life. There are parts of me which wishes for a reconciliation, but other times I think maybe its just best to move on. I have met some beautiful and interesting women and perhaps its better to start off with a clean slate.

 

We shall see what the future has in store for me...

 

i fixed your last sentence !!!

[JasonRules]

i fixed your last sentence !!!

 

 

The last sentence was referring to "us" as in the LS community...

 

The bottom line is time heals all and given enough time we can overcome everything, even heartache. One day we will meet another person and they will make us forget about our exes entirely.