"That's what dudes do"

[UntoldStory]

A guy told me this recently: that he would suppress his feelings of missing me "because that's what dudes do." I asked, "doesn't that come back to bite you in the a$$ eventually?" He replied, "no, not really. We just keep on chain-suppressing."

 

Can any guys comment on this -- is this what really happens? You can turn the emotions off at will, and never suffer ill consequences? Never miss me (or who ever it is you're breaking up with) again?

 

It's so alien to me as a woman. I'd really like to know the guy's perspective. Thanks!

[Ajax]

Frankly, as a "dude," I can say I thought it was often the other way around. So many stories here, and in my own experience, where the women we love go cold on us out of nowhere ad we're left with our heads spinning

 

There are gender roles and stereotypes that get played out in relationships. Men are encouraged to be stoic and logical and women are portrayed as overemotional and chaotic. Often we actually try to live up to these stereotypes, so men will try to suppress painful feelings. But women do it too. Men certainly don't have a monopoly on holding back our emotions.

 

I think what we need to realize is a bigger issue: that men hurt women, and women hurt men. We don't always see the damage members of our own sex cause on the other because we're not on the recieving end of it. I've never been hurt by a man because I've never been in love with one. So I don't necessarily see men as unemotional, womanizing, jerks. But I have been in love with and absolutely crushed by women. And some of these women have been just as unemotional and cold as a stereotypical male.

 

So when your your friend says that he'll just suppress his feelings indefinitely, it may be what he does but he can't speak for all men.

[rootless]

I fully agree with Ajax.

 

I think it depends on the individual, regardless of gender.

If a person's natural propensities are to tamp down their feelings and avoid stuff, that's what they'll do.

If they're a person who's naturally self-aware and expressive, they'll examine it and talk about it.

 

As a guy, I've actually done both.

I'm more or less a gigantic sap most of the time, so I tend to be really engaged, emotionally. My first inclination is almost always geared towards communication and self-examination. 99.9% of the time, my first impulse is to talk about it, get my feelings out, and from there, I try and figure out where things went wrong.

 

Other times, I've been so hurt, so beaten down, that I went into "hermit mode".

I still *felt* everything, and was an absolute miserable wreck, I just wanted to do it in private -- so, to outsiders, it could have looked like I had no visible reaction.

 

I've had guy friends who are pretty detached and extremely reticent to face their emotions, but even those dudes aren't immune to significant breakups.

 

They might be able to walk away from a short-term fling without a scratch, but if the "L" word is in play, they're generally a big sloppy mess too, even if they don't display it outwardly.

[poorguy]

As a dude I will agree with both of the above posters to a degree. No matter what happens to me I know when I wake up in the morning and my feet hit the ground, thats its one foot in front of the other no matter what...and so it goes

 

Does'nt mean that part of you is'nt dead-just means you try to keep the rest of you alive.

 

Thats what men do

[UntoldStory]

Thanks a lot for your comments, Ajax, Rootless and poorguy.

 

We don't always see the damage members of our own sex cause on the other because we're not on the recieving end of it. I've never been hurt by a man because I've never been in love with one. So I don't necessarily see men as unemotional, womanizing, jerks. But I have been in love with and absolutely crushed by women. And some of these women have been just as unemotional and cold as a stereotypical male.

 

I can see this. Good point.

 

I think it depends on the individual, regardless of gender.

If a person's natural propensities are to tamp down their feelings and avoid stuff, that's what they'll do.

If they're a person who's naturally self-aware and expressive, they'll examine it and talk about it.

 

They might be able to walk away from a short-term fling without a scratch, but if the "L" word is in play, they're generally a big sloppy mess too, even if they don't display it outwardly.

 

I guess I'm struggling with the difference between "suppressing" emotions entirely so you don't feel them, and feeling them but not showing them outwardly (so that no one would guess you're giving the situation a second thought). I understand the latter, although I'm not capable of it. But what I don't get is the compartmentalization -- aka supressing feelings or thoughts (or putting them in a box). I think I'm just wondering what that must feel like. Does a feeling replace the space in your head and heart that the sadness occupied before? Or is it just a numbness that you fill with activities?

 

No matter what happens to me I know when I wake up in the morning and my feet hit the ground, thats its one foot in front of the other no matter what...and so it goes

 

Does'nt mean that part of you is'nt dead-just means you try to keep the rest of you alive.

 

Thats what men do

 

Heh. I'm still struggling with concentrating on the act of putting one foot in front of the other, instead of thinking constantly about how much it all hurts.

[stopthemadness]

Ya, Ya (smile) all these guys on here can say what ever they want. I but know they miss us too. I know they must wonder if we are missing them like they are missing us. My ex just reached out to me on Monday. After almost 4 months of No Contact what so ever! I never responded and guess what? I dont plan on it either. what he did to me i do not want to relive EVER. And I think that a simple thing like responding in any kind of way would cause ME too much pain. Am healing and i just wanta keep moving forward..So ya, even if they are seeing smone new, they still miss us.....

[bl22]

A guy told me this recently: that he would suppress his feelings of missing me "because that's what dudes do." I asked, "doesn't that come back to bite you in the a$$ eventually?" He replied, "no, not really. We just keep on chain-suppressing."

 

Can any guys comment on this -- is this what really happens? You can turn the emotions off at will, and never suffer ill consequences? Never miss me (or who ever it is you're breaking up with) again?

 

It's so alien to me as a woman. I'd really like to know the guy's perspective. Thanks!

 

I gotta agree with Ajax here and say I've found it to be the other way round also. Women more often than not get more emotional support from their friends. Where as most guy friends just get a 'shes a bitch, move on'

 

Girls friends (more often than not) will have the girl convinced theyve done the right thing and will tend to agree with anything the girl is trying to convince of herself.

 

E.g Did i do the right thing?....yes of course you did he was such a bad bf! you werent right for each other....

 

(usually these types of friends have never even seen the relationship their talking about or the actual guy...these are usualy the 'night out' friends who just want everyone in the gang to be single)

 

So in my experience...guys dont tend to supress feelings, they get less support as guys friends dont want to keep hearing the same stuff over and over (hence why i joined this site)

[sandman223]

I gotta agree with Ajax here and say I've found it to be the other way round also. Women more often than not get more emotional support from their friends. Where as most guy friends just get a 'shes a bitch, move on'

 

Girls friends (more often than not) will have the girl convinced theyve done the right thing and will tend to agree with anything the girl is trying to convince of herself.

 

E.g Did i do the right thing?....yes of course you did he was such a bad bf! you werent right for each other....

 

(usually these types of friends have never even seen the relationship their talking about or the actual guy...these are usualy the 'night out' friends who just want everyone in the gang to be single)

 

So in my experience...guys dont tend to supress feelings, they get less support as guys friends dont want to keep hearing the same stuff over and over (hence why i joined this site)

 

I agree that it depends more on the person than the person's gender. But I also agree with this. Men get a lot less support, especially from friends. Men may tend handle the same situation differently from women, and maybe in a less outwardly emotional way, but that doesn't mean they don't have the same feelings inside.

[Leda]

I REALLY think it depends more on the person than the person's gender. You can see on this site a cross section of people who go into total angst and suffering from a breakup...there seem to be both men and women, gay and straight relationships. Some people here get desperate and crazy and beg, both male and female...others (both male and female) FEEL desperate enough to post about the situation on the internet, but hide their hurt and care from their ex.

 

In offline life, I know people who move on fast and seem really secure, others who get hung-up and desperate after a breakup.

 

I felt like my own way of handling it--anxious, pathetic, and lots of suffering, but having an easy time hiding it from the guy and turning to friends instead while protecting my "dignity"--was very conventionally girlish until I got here, and saw that lots of girls AND guys will go into a begging frenzy by phone, text, and email after they're left.

[dng]

I've been thinking about this myself, alot, and I came to the conclusion that its not a gender thing but a person to person thing.

 

It depends on who you are, where you're coming from. I can walk away from a fling very easily. It stings a little but that's it, I go NC and I'm fine.

 

From a real relationship, however, I'll come out fighting. I'll do anything and everything, within reason, to work it out if I feel there's something to salvage.

 

On the other end, I had girls dump me overnight, for no apparent reason. I've had girls that tried to work it out, and everything in between.

 

It depends on how secure you are, how much you need the person, your connection, your physical attraction to them.

 

I always have very long rships (>2 years minimum) and for me, they become family and its very, very hard to walk away. I'm always sad, I miss them alot, I worry for them, I love them with all my heart and everything I have and can't help but wonder "But what is going to happen to you?".

 

Like plants and animals says,

 

"What's gonna happen to you

You have woke up too soon

And found the world rearranged

And now your feelings have changed

 

Say goodbye to before

You are not welcome anymore

The door's been shown to you

But only if you go through

 

You run into the night

No sound, no vision, no sight

And no words to explain

just smell times of change"

Edited May 14, 2011 by dng

[Graceful]

Girl, here.

 

I'd get away from the gender specifics regarding the suppression of emotion. What you see on the outside, first of all, doesn't tell you what's happening on the inside. Some people are very good at hiding their emotions, and have made it an art form, in fact. What's below the surface is another story entirely.

 

Guys have it pretty tough in our society. If they're "tough", they get criticized (unromantic, cold, harsh, uncaring). If they're too emotional, they get criticized (wussy, clingy, unmanly). If they're too nice, they get told they're "too" nice (doormat). If they're "bad" they get told they're azzhats (creepy, sleazy, two-timer, player). I gotta say, they have it a lot rougher than females when it comes to the expression of emotions in general.

 

mmmmm. Then again, when women express too much emotion, they get labeled "psycho" and when they're too tough or harsh they get the "cold, frosty"(read: b*tch) label.

 

So maybe the entire discussion is at an impasse. But it's fun to ruminate on it anyhow.

[UntoldStory]

But it's fun to ruminate on it anyhow.

 

Yes, and that's why I'll just add: The particular "dude" who spoke this "truth" about all dudes happens to be a member of the fire service and a former hockey player... So he may have more practice than most at hiding emotion... and perhaps suppressing it entirely!!

[Sugarkane]

Its not just girls that get their friends, on their side and hating their ex. My ex dumped and insulted for no reason, competely out of the blue by text. He continued to abuse me by text. Then hilarliously call me the crazy one. I was devasted and shocked. I was close to all his friends, they were nice people. Yet somehow he poisoned them all against me and fed them all lies. He played victim and everything was my fault. i never saw any of them ever again. Not only had my ex betrayed me, I also lost a whole group of friends that day.

[silvermane187]

Oh how I wish I could flip a switch and not miss my ex...

[radiodarcy]

I think what we need to realize is a bigger issue: that men hurt women, and women hurt men. We don't always see the damage members of our own sex cause on the other because we're not on the recieving end of it.

 

i agree with this whole-heartedly. as a female i've had many of my guy friends (including my ex) tell me that they initially had me pegged as emotion-less, cold and unapproachable. but really, it's a front i put to avoid being hurt. however, my defenses aren't what they seem and in all actuality it's pretty easy to break down those walls.

 

i think men have a tendency to put up the same front because, as Graceful said, that's what men are encourage to do in this society. but that doesn't mean there aren't hurt feelings festering underneath. just like my poker face doesnt mean that i'm not hurting either.

[carhill]

OP, I think it's more a function of never turning them on versus turning them off, a dynamic I call 'thinking the relationship'. Viewing, analyzing and acting in a relationship as if a math problem. Do A to get B, using C as a variable relevant to B to achieve D, etc, etc.

 

I don't doubt such people have emotions; they're just not being expressed and/or actively accepted as 'real' in a particular relationship.

 

The true test of such a person's psychology is when they are in an apparently loving and safe relationship and thinking versus feeling still reigns the day. I had a marriage like that. I don't recommend it to anyone. Sadly, such a phenomena is not exclusive to men.

 

To the extent that men traditionally behave like this generally is why, up until very recently, it was very difficult for me to have meaningful and loving friendships with men. I might as well have loved a computer. Generally, men are always calculating and competing to win, even in friendships, at least in my generation. It's only when mortality starts staring them in the face that they soften and accept the breadth of who they are and, IMO, are better people for it.

[UntoldStory]

OP, I think it's more a function of never turning them on versus turning them off, a dynamic I call 'thinking the relationship'. Viewing, analyzing and acting in a relationship as if a math problem. Do A to get B, using C as a variable relevant to B to achieve D, etc, etc.

 

I don't doubt such people have emotions; they're just not being expressed and/or actively accepted as 'real' in a particular relationship.

 

The true test of such a person's psychology is when they are in an apparently loving and safe relationship and thinking versus feeling still reigns the day. I had a marriage like that. I don't recommend it to anyone. Sadly, such a phenomena is not exclusive to men.

 

To the extent that men traditionally behave like this generally is why, up until very recently, it was very difficult for me to have meaningful and loving friendships with men. I might as well have loved a computer. Generally, men are always calculating and competing to win, even in friendships, at least in my generation. It's only when mortality starts staring them in the face that they soften and accept the breadth of who they are and, IMO, are better people for it.

 

Great post, carhill, thank you. It's your last sentence that hits home for me at this moment. I am 40 and at the tail end of my own mid-life crisis atm; hoping to find a guy who's done with his, as well, cause the ones I've been dealing with up to this point have some more ripening to do before they're ready for the new evolved me!