How important is commitment to guys?

[spiderowl]

I wasn't sure which category to post this in, but I'm interested to know how important commitment is to guys. I've sometimes started seeing a guy and we are both agreed we will see how it goes, only to find that they are seeking some kind of commitment. They want me to say they are the one for me and for me to forsake all others (while we are dating at least). In the very early stages, I can't imagine how I can be sure of them. It seems that I stay in this unsure state while they get increasingly uncomfortable about it. We have sometimes got physically intimate so I guess that does affect things. I am happy to say I'm not sleeping with anyone else but committing myself to them and them only from that point on seems impossible for me.

 

I guess I don't feel that bonding early on but it does tend to grow later, by which time they have mentally started to opt out and become cool with me just when I'm getting more interested in them. I can't change the way I feel and I don't see why they should expect me to. Also, I don't see how they can feel any more committed to me right from the start like that - surely they are faking this or just want to be sure I'm not sleeping with other guys rather than it being anything more? What do they really want and just how important is commitment to guys in the early part of a relationship?

[neowulf]

Firstly, I'd start by expanding this from "guys" to "people" in general.

 

People all have different attachment styles.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

 

I personally know guys who are exactly like you. They're very cool and stand offish at the beginning, with their girlfriends being the ones who are annoyed they won't offer solid commitment to them.

 

What you may be finding is that the guys who you're dating are actually "really" into you. That triggers a fear response in a lot of people. When you really value someone, when you feel very strongly for them, it can cause an intense fear of loss. That fear is why you'll see these guys suddenly try and "corner" you for commitment.

 

What they're probably saying is "I'm really into you, I want to know that you're as into this as I am". It's about reassurance.

 

You obviously take a while to warm up to people. So you're holding back at the beginning, waiting to see how things pan out. This 'withholding' eventually causes people to start to pull away, as a way of protecting themselves from being too badly hurt.

 

Honestly, I think it just boils down to basic compatibility. You obviously need a man who's self assured enough to just take things as they come and not be put off by your slight aloof style.

 

Just my thoughts

[spiderowl]

Thanks Neowulf. I don't know about them being really into me but I do feel a pressure to reassure them. I also feel I can't do this if I'm not sure and not feeling strongly, just happy to see how it goes. I'm concerned that just as I'm starting to feel attached they are getting weird and distant. I don't want to make false promises though and pretend I'm really into them when I'm not sure. I'm in this situation again now and I'm having to keep reminding him it's early days. I feel mean for doing so but is there any point being positive and encouraging if I might have to opt out?

[threebyfate]

Is it possible you're drawing men who have intimacy issues where when you're cool at the start, they don't feel pressured but once you show you're into them, they run?

[little.skittles]

I don't get attached that easily. I feel like a cold hearted beotch sometimes but it's just a defense mechanism. I've been hurt before and I never want to feel that way ever again so in the long run it's really helped me keep my heart in a safe place. I'm not dating right now but if I was, I know it would take a lot of work for any guy to tear down the wall I put up and I really don't think it would be worth it to any of them. But to answer your question, no I would not commit that early on. I would suggest dating somebody for as much time as you need before fully commiting to them. It seems everyone is so eager to get to that point where they can call themselves a couple, it's one of those life altering decisions that definitely needs careful thought and time.

[spiderowl]

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels like this.

 

It is possible I'm attracting guys with intimacy issues who back off when I get interested in them, though they were unhappy at my lack of commitment. Doesn't make sense to me really. Did they just want me to say they were the one in order to drop me later? I don't get it.

[threebyfate]

People with real intimacy issues crave intimacy so they'll come at you hard at the beginning. In the chase, there is safety. But when it becomes a reality, they freak out.

[DreamerGirl27]

I have the exact opposite problem. There is this guy that I really like and I really want commitment and everything from him and it bothers me when he talks to other girls, I'm easily made jealous of any other girls with him, but he just wants to be friends.

[spiderowl]

I can really understand that DreamerGirl. I've felt like that myself. Maybe the reason I'm feeling pressured is I don't feel quite so strongly about these guys, at least at first. I can't fake it. Maybe I should wait for someone I do feel strongly about from the start though past experience has shown me that attraction can grow.

[DreamerGirl27]

I can really understand that DreamerGirl. I've felt like that myself. Maybe the reason I'm feeling pressured is I don't feel quite so strongly about these guys, at least at first. I can't fake it. Maybe I should wait for someone I do feel strongly about from the start though past experience has shown me that attraction can grow.

 

 

My past experience has shown if I don't like the guy right off the bat, I never will.

[carhill]

I can't imagine making love with a woman who's dating other men and/or making love with them, so I guess commitment and monogamy are important to me. I would never expect anything of her which I wouldn't also do myself. One datapoint, perhaps reflective of my age and life experiences. YMMV.

[collegeguy_24]

I value commitment. When I go on a date, she is the focus of my attention. I don't date more then one person at a time.

 

I also, sadly, get attached easily. In my last relationship, I was deeply committed, and she was giving me the illusion she was to.

 

I later learned she wasn't and was instead giving me half truths to outright lies throughout our relationship.

 

So needless to say, when a relationship ends in which I am fully committed, and she convinces me she is fully committed as well, it hurts tremendously. Thats because of the betrayal of trust.

 

I have always been the nice guy, a gentleman.

 

Sadly, this has led people like me to learn the hard way that nice guys finish last.

[spiderowl]

If a woman was happy to go out with you and see how it goes but didn't want to commit to you from the start, how long would it be before you felt commitment was appropriate and at what point?

[carhill]

After a couple of months of regular contact, I would expect a woman to have long since made up her mind, presuming she was heretofore a stranger. In any event, my zipper remains zipped unless/until there is an exclusivity talk and mutual agreement, which to me is synonymous with commitment. I've yet to date a woman who only dated one man at a time so assume no exclusivity until and unless there is a spoken mutual agreement.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for your comment, Carhill. I can completely understand someone wanting sexual exclusivity as would I, but they don't seem to be asking for that, unless I'm misunderstanding. They seem to want me to say they are the one for me. This is different surely? I wouldn't want to be sleeping with more than one guy and if they asked about that I could easily reassure them. I don't get the impression that's what they are asking for. The minute I go out for an evening without them they start asking questions and yet I feel it's inappropriate to start being possessive. Am I missing something fundamental here? How can anyone commit to the other person within the first 3-4 weeks unless they feel it's love at first sight?

[neowulf]

Am I missing something fundamental here? How can anyone commit to the other person within the first 3-4 weeks unless they feel it's love at first sight?

 

Not really. You're just dating guys with a high degree of interest (higher than yours) and a high degree of insecurity (higher than yours).

 

Guys who are confident and interdependent aren't going to be falling over themselves to commit to you in the first few weeks either.

 

Have you ever been on the other side of the fence? Dating someone you were *really* into, who you felt could "take it or leave it" at any moment?

[spiderowl]

Thanks, yes I have been on the other side of the fence and usually drop out if I feel like that.

 

I have been in two short relationships where the guy was really keen on me committing myself to it and then dropped out when I started to get more interested in something lasting. It's almost as if they just want reassuring that you are interested for their ego but aren't really into being in a relationship. Makes my very cynical and wary now.