"Show ultimate respect to your mate's feelings"--thoughts on emotional blackmail.

[moimeme]

I think discussing people's ideas of what marriage will be like can be useful. One of our posters recently found out that her intended fellow had a very different vision of a wife's role and behaviour in marriage than she did - sufficiently so that she decided to have to forego getting engaged to this guy.

 

You have to have this sort of conversation with one another - maybe even ask directly what someone thinks about the statement 'if something bothers me, you should not do it' or perhaps discuss what happens if one of you seriously dislikes something the other likes to do. For sure people have to discuss porn - it's clear from the debates on it that a lot of women have decided it's a deal-breaker and are absolutely not open to any different idea.

 

I heard of one couple once who would use a scale. For example, he'd say 'I wish you wouldn't leave the toothpaste lid off' and she'd ask 'how much' and he'd say 'about a 6' meaning it bothered him quite a bit, but it would be worse if he'd said an 8 or a 9. Or they'd do stuff like decide about going someplace by each assigning a number, so maybe she'd want to go someplace at an 8 and he'd not want to go at a 9 so then they'd have to sort out what to do. But if she wanted to go at an 8 and he wanted to not go at a 4, then they'd go with her choice.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Originally posted by dyermaker

I think you'll know it when you see it, but there's no way to stop it, because it's fueled by their delusion that not doing what they say actually means a lack of love or respect. You can't win Kevin, because it's YOUR fault. YOU don't love them. YOU don't respect their feelings. If you truly loved them, you'd just abandon communication and do what they say...

 

I really feel sorry for this type of woman. Because I believe they honestly have no clue what real love is anymore. Maybe they have been raised by parents who express love in some sort of warped way, giving into the whining or showering them with gifts. Maybe they've been hurt by someone and are unable to separate a terrible act from their understanding of love. For example, your first boyfriend goes out on thursdays. One thursday he cheats on you. He doesn't love you. Your current boyfriend goes out on thursday. If he loved you, he'd stay home. Obviously he doesn't love you.

 

It's sick and wrong, but it makes sense to them because then they don't have to confront the scariest freaking thing about relationships: uncertainty. Because, you see, they've boiled it down to the formula. If you follow the formula, then everything will work out fine. Every time a relationship fails, tweak the formula a little, become a little more demanding, eventually you will be happy, dammit!

[BlockHead]

Maybe some of these women are on a power trip.

There are people in this world that always abuse the power they have.

[Juggs]

Perspective = Reality...

 

Some people react by looking at all angles of a situation and by trying to understand the other's point of view and seeing if there is a way to meet in the middle.

 

Other's are only capible of seeing things from their own point of view and do not have the ability to see things any other way.

 

Not sure if it's a learned behavior or if it's just how they are programmed.

 

I think people without the ability to see things from other people's view points are the ones that are unable to discuss and meet half way and need to demand what they want. In their world, that is all that matters.... their needs.

[Pyrannaste]

dyer, it is a really interesting thread!

 

Originally posted by dyermaker

"If he loves me, he wouldn't look at porn"--perfect example.

 

I was just wondering, do you see any differences in

"if you loved me, you wouldn't [look at porn, wear miniskirts, steal my frilly lacy underwear, give meat pie to thwe house cat, oogle other guys, cook sprouts, put pics of your elbows on the internet]"

and

"I believe that you love me, but still your [looking at porn, wearing miniskirts...] does not make me feel loved. Therefore, if you keep [looking at porn, wearing miniskirts.....], I'm leaving you."

 

Do you also see the "I'm stopping to love you if you [insert anything of choice here] " as blackmail?

If so, would you see any difference in the "If you look at porn again, I'm stopping to love you" line and in the "If you look at porn again I'm leaving you because, as much as I love you, I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who looks at porn because it hurts my feelings" line?

 

It is just curiosity. I do see some differences in the two above lines, although I guess the situation is the very same.

[Arabess]

Without making the 'If you loved me' statement directly as a way of manipulating someone.....isn't it the same if someone withholds sex or emotion from the other person?

[Juggs]

Originally posted by Arabess

isn't it the same if someone withholds sex or emotion from the other person?

 

Sorry to get a little off topic but the above quote reminded me of a funny story...

 

Husband was being a ninny one night when we were all out with friends... As a response to 1 of his comments, I told him loudly "That's it! You're cut off!"

 

His response....

 

"Yeah.... from YOU!"

 

I almost died laughing!

[dyermaker]

Pyrannaste, they're still ways of manipulating you by completely avoiding communication. However, at least they don't make it *your* fault.