Wife isn't interested any more

[johngrey]

Thanks for your support guys.

 

So anyway, I awoke this morning for the second time in the spare room, I could see in my wife's eyes she was very upset - it didn't look like she'd got much sleep. This all feels so stupid, I just wanted to give her a hug and tell her everything would be alright but then a few days ago she said she doesn't even like me touching her so I just did nothing.

 

I need to know what we're doing because living in this funny limbo state is not good. I can't bear to see my wife upset, even if it means I'm going to be upset - I can't handle people crying.

 

As for living in Australia, I do have friends, but they're mostly my wife's brothers and the other friends I have live a long way (500 miles) away or are married with kids so I can't really stay with them.

 

I'm just hoping that maybe by even just staying in the other room my wife will discover she doesn't want me out of her life.

 

I haven't really spoken to her today, and I don't really know what to do. I'm wondering if I should say something or just give wait until the weekend to talk about what we're doing.

 

Today it feels like it's really starting to hit home. I really want to take action, because it's only then I feel normal again. I guess that's quite selfish. ARG.

[johngrey]

Ugh,

 

So it's night time here now, and I just asked the wife if she wanted me to sleep in the same bed with her, she said "we haven't really talked since monday" and I said 'well you said you didn't want me around' to which she mubled and then I said "I'll sleep in the spare bed then".

 

I don't want to sleep in the spare bed, but I'm not sure I want to sleep in bed with her if she doesn't want me to. It's so hard to get some straight talk going on - and to a degree I don't want to talk frankly if she says something like "I want a divorce".

 

I don't know what to do or how to approach this situation. I don't know how long I should leave things like this to see if she changes her mind or whatever.

 

Any ideas guys? :/ I feel so useless.

[giotto]

I think it's time for another conversation in the morning. There is no point carrying on like this. But be prepared for the bad news. She might say things you don't want to hear.

[GorillaTheater]

John, she's lost nearly all respect for you, and it seems to me that this may be due to what she percieves as your failure to assert yourself in the relationship (i.e., "never have an opinion, etc."). You want to avoid being a doormat in any event. All you'll get are footprints on your forehead and the loss of even more respect. And how can she love you if you won't even respect yourself?

 

Step 1: get back to your marital bed. She'll likely piss and moan, but simply and calmly tell her that you'd prefer that she share your bed, but if she feels she can't that you understand and that you'll help her move her things to the guest bedroom. If she asks why you're doing this, tell her that you have decided that you prefer this bed.

 

Don't be scared of her anger. Your marriage can survive that. But it can't survive your meekness.

[johngrey]

Thanks GorillaTheater,

 

I took your advice, things weren't too weird either which was good. We still haven't talked.. I'm still not entirely convinced my wife isn't just suffering from some kind of depression or something - everyone I've spoken to who knows my wife thinks this is totally out of character for her (including me.)

 

Well, that's what I'm hoping for anyway. She won't really communicate what she wants from me so I guess I'm just going to have to guess. Like I say though, I don't really want to be in a marriage where I'm not wanted.

 

But then, I guess if it is some sort of depression that pretty much nullifies everything else.

 

At least my head feels a bit clearer at the moment. Again, thanks to all who replied, it's been really helpful to have a bit of feedback. Right, I best get back to work.

[johngrey]

Just FYI for anyone else having trouble expressing their feelings/emotions, check out this very, very good website I just found:

 

http://eqi.org/

 

Very concise, straight forward info - I'm going to have a good read of that later.

[FryFish]

Im not convinced that she isnt out banging someone else... Anyways, she is the one that wants to leave the relationship, so let her be the one to leave the house... She can go live with her brother if it comes to that...

[John Michael Kane]

She has another man under her wing.

[tropicalfox]

She said she's very confused that we're very different people. I'm not sure I want you to be here for me.

 

Statements like these usually indicate that a woman has checked of the marriage already. They almost ALWAYS point to an affair of some sort. She doesn't want you there because she's found someone else.

 

If you want to make an effort at saving your marriage, you would serve yourself best by snooping her email, calls, and whatever else you can to discover and put and end to her affair. Once you have proof, call her on it and expose it to everyone you both know. Once her "secret" is out the affair won't seem so special and the other man will most likely bail.

[mezmrz]

Sorry haven't read all of this thread, but I caught my partner once when I was suspicious, she left her cell fone, and I read thru her texts, and man, it was devastating to find out the truth of her feelings (and the graphic of what she did!). The sooner you know the better!!

[jkammers]

Due to your lack of action in you relationship. It is clear you must move on too a new chapter of. Your life with out her..she wants to leave...so let her. Find some one new and have some fun...travel see the world

 

 

I'm not very good at communicating and last night when I tried talking to her about it she said she was considering leaving me and that I made it a lot worse by talking. She's been out all day in the city and is avoiding me and a week or so ago she just left and stayed at her brothers place overnight.

 

I don't know what I can do and I'm desperate to stop her from leaving, I only just managed to convince her to stay at home last night. I feel like I'm going out of my mind and I'm very very tired from lack of sleep etc. I have told her I'm sorry and really meant it but it seems like I'm too late.

 

Basically, does anyone have any ideas on what I can do?! I don't want to let her go, I love her very much.

 

ps - sorry this post is a bit brief, I'm expecting her to return any minute now and don't want her to see this.

[jkammers]

Help her pack.....s

mile and say goodbye and never look back

[johngrey]

Thanks for everyone's help. However, things have gotten far worse - my wife moved out a couple of weeks ago and won't come around no matter what I do. I'm pretty devastated, and I'm going to keep trying to get her back. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not but I have to try otherwise I'll be kicking myself.

[johngrey]

Hello!

 

Yes, so time does heal all. After a lot of serious thought it turns out that I didn't really want to get back with my wife at all, I was just really scared of being alone.

 

In August I went to my dad's wedding in the UK (alone), there I met the most amazing woman ever. She has totally redefined my view of relationships, women and life. I am totally in love with her and ended up going back to the UK for two weeks just to see her - things went amazingly. I'd say we're nothing short of soulmates.

 

We're not insane though, so we're going to take it slowly, but I move back to the UK next month.

 

Anyway, the conclusion to my story is that there is love after crappy marriages and it's totally amazing. I think the most important thing is to be honest with yourself.

 

Good luck in love everyone. I still have to pinch myself I'm so happy - probably makes everyone else puke Also, I've never been this happy. Amazing stuff.

[johngrey]

Update #2 - much later. I stuck with my new woman and we had a baby son about 5 months ago. He's amazing, life is great (but not without it's trials)..

 

Let this be a lesson to others.. life isn't straight forward, nothing stays the same.. it's not all bad!

[GorillaTheater]

Hey John, thanks for coming back and letting us know about your happy ending.

 

 

I remember posting on your thread and being pretty concerned about you at the time.

 

 

Now the most important question, the answer to which will likely help other folks here: what did you learn?

[Liam1]

Update #2 - much later. I stuck with my new woman and we had a baby son about 5 months ago. He's amazing, life is great (but not without it's trials)..

 

Let this be a lesson to others.. life isn't straight forward, nothing stays the same.. it's not all bad!

 

Hi John:

 

All relationships have their ups and down. There is just no way around that, except staying single.

 

All relationships seem perfect in the early stages, because both people are putting their best foot forward, and trying to be accommodating. However, later when people become comfortable with each other, they are just normally less eager to be accommodating.

 

That's just normal human behavior.

[elaine567]

PCOS is a huge deal for her and she may be distancing herself as she feels she cannot now give you the children you want, so she is pushing you away so you can have a chance of kids with someone else.

[Popsicle]

Really happy to hear about your happy ending!

[Poutrew]

Good for you , John. Just curious. How did your ex wife fair? Sounds like her problem didn't have another man attached to it, so I'm wondering on her condition, if you know. Did she degenerate into a psychological mess, or manage to stabilize her life? At any rate, congrats on the little rugmuncher you just had !