Friend says "I'm not ready to be happy for you yet"

[vsmini]

I started up a relationship about 5 months ago and it's been going really well. My friend, we'll call her Jenna, was getting out of her 4 month relationship with a guy just as I started dating my guy. I was with her during her breakup so she could vent and get it all out. She still has lots of resentments and is not taking her breakup well. I made sure I wasn't talking about my guy too much around her for the first few months because I knew she was still hurting and needed to talk a lot about what she was going through and me talking about how happy I was didn't really feel right. I didn't want to rub it in her face or make her feel worse.

 

3 months into my relationship I asked her if she'd like to come out to dinner with us and she said she didn't want to be a 3rd wheel. I told her she wouldn't - it would be the 3 of us...not my boyfriend and I and then Jenna off in some corner. She still declined. I continued to to try to get her to come out with us or for her to meet him but she kept declining.

 

It's now been 5 months, 1 month longer than she dated him and she's still upset and won't meet my guy. She's one of my best friends so I talked to her and told her it would mean a lot to me if we could all hang out as a group and she said "I'm just not ready to be happy for you yet." ok. ouch.

 

This woman is 36 years old. I'm 30. I'm feeling very frustrated with her and don't feel like our friendship is what it used to be. I now just feel like I listen and she talks...and if I'm talking - she's just waiting for her turn to talk.

 

Do I just call for a temporary break from her until she sorts herself out? She's been kind of a debbie downer lately and though I want to be her friend and be there for her....it's just not working and I'm feeling a little depleted.

 

Anyone been in this situation? what did you do?

[Tayla]

Friendships are as unique as the persons' in them.

Past experience has been:

Friend #1- Removed myself from her life as she lacked resilience to move on....

Friend #2- Hung in there because something told me for her pain it would take awhile to heal yet I sensed she was coming thru it, and in due time she did. We are solid like sisters and even laugh about our "men" relations and learned to place that aside when it came to our friendship being maintained.

Friend #3- She faded away....Simply one day called from her "blues" mood and said she was moving two states away to "find" herself..THat this state had too many painful memories, oddly no matter where you go the memories go with you ...

 

Most will say to create that healthy distance while remaining supportive when times can alot. Invest only as much as what is given in return.

Only you know what is right for your friendship choices. I commend you for keeping that door open and being gracious with your invitations.

[Mcnulty]

She's a self centred conceited person.

 

A true friend, regardless of their personal issues would be genuinely happy for a friend to have discovered some happiness.

 

I would definitely back off from her, she's wrapped up in her misery, so let her work through that.

 

A true friend listens and cares.

[Tayla]

On a sidenote to the OP- No one is a third wheel when they see and value folks as individuals. When I am out and about I rarely consider myself a third wheel, never quite got into that mentality. Always figured even a "couple" are two unique individuals that singularly have thoughts and actions of their own.

I can "respect" the "couple", yet I prefer to respect on a 'as given basis'.

 

Your friend is lacking the ability to see herself as a contributing member in a social event....She really should get out and about....it would do her good to hang with folks in general...

[vsmini]

^^ yes - I've never had an issue going out with a couple either, that's why I kept telling her not to look at it as a third wheel kind of thing. Ah well.