Don't want her back but still can't let go of bitterness?? (4 months NC)

[Jono85]

COLES NOTES: Basically we didn't leave amicably really. I tried to defriend her/initiate NC very kindly and take the high road, even though she lied/emotionally cheated, and left me for her ex, but when I did tell her we couldn't be friends, and wished her well, she simply didn't reply, and still hasn't, 4 months later. It still stings.

 

I'm wondering if anyone can help me here, or offer any kind of advice. I'm struggling right now with feeling disgust towards her, and for some reason I think it's hindering my ability to move on. I'll try to briefly tell my story.

 

We went out for only about 5 months or so (ended last November), but it was pretty intense (we met at work, seeing eachother daily, then she moved 2 min from my house for school/res in september so I was there very often). Anyway she basically left me for her ex, who came back in her life and clearly wanted her back very badly. What's really weird is she initiated our first "I love you's" a week before we broke up, after easily our best day/evening together. A week later, I found a letter from her ex, pleading for her back, and although there was evidence of no physical cheating in the letter, it confirmed a lot of lies she'd been telling me (I confronted her about her ex after seeing them re-unite on Facebook, and light flirting from him, but she assured me that was the extent of their friendship) and they were indeed hanging out, and even discussing their future. I was crushed. It was the first girl I said those 3 words to (and I'm 25). She wrote me a long email telling her how terrible and sorry she was and how she'd never done something like that in her life, and she obv needed to be single b/c she was confused. I accepted it, tried moving on. Although she would contact me, and string me along for that month (telling me things like she'd never get back with him, she'll return to me and just needs time, yada yada yada).

 

Well one day she texted me, and I just ignored her. I was tired of it; words mean nothing compared to actions. A week later I see that she blocked me on facebook (I already defriended her, but I could still see her profile pic when I searched for her) and I checked on a friends account and her profile pic was with her ex. I was completely broken. Almost had an anxiety attack. I was then extremely upset, and wrote her a VERY nasty email (regrettably); I mean she couldn't even tell me herself, f-ing coward. I eventually apologized, but she was pretty upset/hurt about the email, and we didn't talk over the entire christmas break. I then messaged her in January saying, again, I was really sorry for the things I said, and I accept her choosing him, but didn't want to leave things like that. We met up, were very friendly, got caught up, then she apologized for things, and told me she was indeed back with the ex (didn't really know for certain b/c she denied the picture meaning anything when I confronted her before the break...obv more lies). We left as friends.

 

Over the next week I decided I couldn't be friends with her. So the next time she texted me asking how I was and telling me about her first week of school etc. I simply replied something like "Listen, I don't think the whole friends thing is gonna work. I thought I'd feel better after we apologized, but I can't get past some of the things that happened, and don't want to be fake here, that's not who I am. I swear I'm not real bitter, just doesn't feel right, nor fair to him (her ex). K well take care of yourself _____ and all the best."

 

She didn't even respond. Still hasn't. No goodbye, no well wishes, nothing. Just goes to show the kind of person she is, SELFISH. I know she expected me to write her back eventually, and not leave etc, b/c of my behaviour in the past, but I didn't. Enough was enough.

 

Anyway, it's been 4 months. I don't want her back, I've learned she's quite frankly a sh-tty person. But I'm still so BITTER about it. I still think about her a lot, and often times it angers me, or even saddens me how SHE was the one who broke my heart, lied behind my back for a month, all the while telling me she loved me while looking into my eyes, pretending I was the only one who had her heart, and yet she cannot even accept I can't be friends and doesn't say bye, or even respond?!?! UGH!! It hurts.

 

I want to be able to give her an excuse, or forgive her, for MY sake. Or maybe I don't need to? I just can't see myself ever letting that go. I thought I was gaining some power back with my last text to her ending our relationship/friendship, but her not responding totally took it away lol. Like I'm not even worthy of her caring to say goodbye or any such fight to stay in her life. It sucks. How do I get past this? Like if I ever ran into her I think I'd want to slug her in the face (obv joke...but I have played it out in my head...). I don't want to be bitter. I want to be better than that. It's tough though given how things ended. Thanks to anyone who made it through this.

Edited May 14, 2011 by Jono85

[Jono85]

too long i guess? *sigh*

[Billie The Puppet]

Or perhaps she moved on, She is with her previous ex, and well by not responding she is doing you a favor. Not to mention you asked for this.

 

A friend would respond, You asked for NC and she is respecting your wishes what's the problem here?

 

One thing I have learned is you just go NC you don't send message after message appologizing, you don't by far tell them you don't want to be friends or it isn't going to work out etc. You just disappear. Oh and another thing you don't tell them you are going NC and don't ask them not to contact you. All you have to do is not contact them and ignore their contacts.

[Jono85]

Or perhaps she moved on, She is with her previous ex, and well by not responding she is doing you a favor. Not to mention you asked for this.

 

A friend would respond, You asked for NC and she is respecting your wishes what's the problem here?

 

One thing I have learned is you just go NC you don't send message after message appologizing, you don't by far tell them you don't want to be friends or it isn't going to work out etc. You just disappear. Oh and another thing you don't tell them you are going NC and don't ask them not to contact you. All you have to do is not contact them and ignore their contacts.

 

i guess i would handle things differently, that's all. i don't doubt that she's moved on.

 

i simply cannot ignore ppl, i think it's the rudest thing you can do. so for me, just simply not responding to her asking how i'm doing, is not for me. that is why i said i didn't think things would work as friends after re-thinking it. i don't believe i asked her not to contact me or anything, but i guess that was assumed yeah.

 

i guess for me the problem is that i think it shows no class to not even say goodbye to me or wish me well. why can't you do that to someone you care about? i wasn't bitter or hateful in my last text when i have every right to be given her total betrayal of me, and things she did even post betrayal. but i wished her well. is it so hard to say goodbye and wish me the same and accept the fact that i cannot be her friend? to me just not responding seems a little selfish or immature...like 'oh you don't care whats going on with me or want to keep in touch well f*ck you then'.

 

maybe this is really stupid of me to think ahead, but IF she ever wants to come back into my life (and believe me it would be nearly impossible for her to do so), I will look back at this with a sour taste in my mouth b/c she didn't care to say goodbye to me. again, in my opinion if you care about someone you support their decisions and leave things on a high note...to me just not responding doesn't really show that. oh well.

[Graceful]

Jono,

I feel for your situation, but here's the deal. What you're basically saying is that your ex didn't do what you would have done, she didn't treat you the way you would treat someone else. She didn't meet your standards for courteous, caring behavior.

 

Right?

 

So let go of that and see her for who she is, for her lack of response to you, and stop weighing it against your values. Just see it and take it for what it is. The truth is (and I'm not taking sides), all you know is that she didn't respond. You don't know why. You're making assumptions based on your code of politeness and courtesy.

 

i guess for me the problem is that i think it shows no class to not even say goodbye to me or wish me well. why can't you do that to someone you care about? i wasn't bitter or hateful in my last text when i have every right to be given her total betrayal of me, and things she did even post betrayal. but i wished her well. is it so hard to say goodbye and wish me the same and accept the fact that i cannot be her friend? to me just not responding seems a little selfish or immature...like 'oh you don't care whats going on with me or want to keep in touch well f*ck you then'.

Again, not taking her side, but maybe she felt you didn't want to hear from her, so she was respecting your wishes. Maybe if you contacted her (you won't) to ask why she didn't pay you the courtesy of a response, she'd tell you she forgot. She'd tell you that she didn't know what to say. She'd tell you that she thought a response was unnecessary. There's a part of me that thinks she didn't respond because she may have felt you wanted the last word, and if she responded, she would have taken that away from you. Again, I dunno, and I don't want it to sound like I am on her side, b/c I'm not, just throwing out a few extra ways to look at it, taking your feelings out of the equation. That's all.

 

We don't know why she didn't respond, but we can make conjectures. But your feelings about it may or may not be valid, so take them out of the equation. It does leave a bitter taste in your mouth, and I don't blame you. So see her for who she is ... not the right girl for you. What happened was inexcusable in her part, she was not honest with you, and I can't imagine she was very proud of herself for what she did.

 

Be satisfied with yourself for leaving off on a high note. Just take stock of your own behavior, you did a few things you apologized for, too, then you stood up for yourself in backing off on the friendship (and for the right reasons), and you have nothing to be ashamed of at all. Let that be enough for you. What happened sux, but insofar as the way you handled it? Nice. Take care.

[Billie The Puppet]

I guess I assumed you wanted NC as most of us eventually go NC be it we want it or the ex just ignores us like the case presented here. It's inevitable really when one is put into this positon it just naturally happens. I wouldn't continue to harp on this to be honest. Eventually you will hit indifference with it.

[Jono85]

Jono,

I feel for your situation, but here's the deal. What you're basically saying is that your ex didn't do what you would have done, she didn't treat you the way you would treat someone else. She didn't meet your standards for courteous, caring behavior.

 

Right?

 

So let go of that and see her for who she is, for her lack of response to you, and stop weighing it against your values. Just see it and take it for what it is. The truth is (and I'm not taking sides), all you know is that she didn't respond. You don't know why. You're making assumptions based on your code of politeness and courtesy.

 

Again, not taking her side, but maybe she felt you didn't want to hear from her, so she was respecting your wishes. Maybe if you contacted her (you won't) to ask why she didn't pay you the courtesy of a response, she'd tell you she forgot. She'd tell you that she didn't know what to say. She'd tell you that she thought a response was unnecessary. There's a part of me that thinks she didn't respond because she may have felt you wanted the last word, and if she responded, she would have taken that away from you. Again, I dunno, and I don't want it to sound like I am on her side, b/c I'm not, just throwing out a few extra ways to look at it, taking your feelings out of the equation. That's all.

 

We don't know why she didn't respond, but we can make conjectures. But your feelings about it may or may not be valid, so take them out of the equation. It does leave a bitter taste in your mouth, and I don't blame you. So see her for who she is ... not the right girl for you. What happened was inexcusable in her part, she was not honest with you, and I can't imagine she was very proud of herself for what she did.

 

Be satisfied with yourself for leaving off on a high note. Just take stock of your own behavior, you did a few things you apologized for, too, then you stood up for yourself in backing off on the friendship (and for the right reasons), and you have nothing to be ashamed of at all. Let that be enough for you. What happened sux, but insofar as the way you handled it? Nice. Take care.

 

Hey Graceful, thank you very much for the detailed response, very much appreciated.

 

You're right, I guess I am upset that she didn't act the way I would have acted if our shoes were switched. You're also right that I shouldn't assume the reasons for WHY she chose not to respond, like you said, MAYBE (although I have my doubts this was her reasoning) she thought she would have hurt me more if she said anything, I really don't know (that doesn't make sense to me, ie. don't see how a goodbye and wish me well would have hurt, but i guess we all think differently).

 

To me it's not necessarily a closure thing at all, b/c believe me I don't want her back (my current mindset). BUT, to me it feels like burning a bridge. And maybe I shouldn't feel that way and I only feel that way b/c MY beliefs and morals (which aren't obviously necessarily right). But like lets say she realizes that her ex and her cannot work (they've already broken up twice, once for a year, before getting back this time) and realizes how young and foolish she was way in the future and wants to prove to me she's a different girl. And believe me, I know how silly that sounds that I think that (and maybe that is very telling, that inside me there clearly lies a tiny sliver of hope for the future, as to why I'm still angry). To ME, right or wrong, I feel she burned that bridge by not saying goodbye to me, or not wishing me all the best, just showing some form of f-ing care that she wants the best for me. It bums me out, and it probably shouldn't even be that big of a deal, but it was/is to me. If we run into eachother, if she contacts me next year, in two years, whenever, I think I'd rather ignore her now (and maybe that's actually the best option ANYway).

 

Anyhow, thanks for the kind words at the end. I was also semi proud of myself for leaving things the way I did. Her ex bf obviously didn't have the respect for our relationship to leave her be and let our relationship run it's natural course (I guess all is fair in love and war tho...) and he fought for her while we were together. I honestly believe I had a decent shot at getting her back if I actually put effort into it instead of becoming distant after our breakup but that's not me. She's made her decision and I accept it and I'm not about to waste my time fighting over a girl that clearly didn't show the respect I deserved, the respect we both vowed to have for eachother if either of us ever had doubts, early in our relationship. Definitely learned from it though, and grew from it, and will undoubtedly be stronger and more wise in future relationships.

[Jono85]

I guess I assumed you wanted NC as most of us eventually go NC be it we want it or the ex just ignores us like the case presented here. It's inevitable really when one is put into this positon it just naturally happens. I wouldn't continue to harp on this to be honest. Eventually you will hit indifference with it.

 

I'm not sure you understand my position. I didn't decide to not be her friend anymore b/c I wanted her to talk to me or msg me. I did it obviously b/c I didn't want to be friends with a girl that did those things to me and although remorseful, has now moved on to that other guy and doesn't want anything with me as more than friends. It would be painful for me. However that doesn't mean I didn't expect her to say goodbye, and kind of leave on good terms. That's all this was about...not that I want her to talk to me and msg me or something. Just that she didn't care to leave on good terms. She just didn't respond.

 

Anyway I realize eventually I will be indifferent, im only harping about it on a msg board, not the end of the world. Maybe its silly of me to care about a little thing like that, but to me, oddly enough, it almost hurts more than her betrayal that she apologized for and seemed remorseful for. But as the other poster mentioned, we all think differently and it's probably not fair to assume reasons why she didn't respond and left me hanging. For all I know she did it to make things easier (again, not what I'd do/believe, but maybe what she does).

[2011]

Same thing happened to me mate been about same time as yours and about 5 months all in more or less NC, any contact like chat initiated by me not a jot from her and she would cut me off and post synde comments, she just walked and was so aloof and uncaring about the whole thing didn't even want to talk or anything - guess she found someone else, I don't know that for certain, it doesn't seem like that as I still see her floating on dating sites. Anyways I met a much nice person who is leaps and bounds above her so to **** with her and her games, try and think of it that way, I was overcome with this girl and was a wreck for about 3 months after BU but ever grey cloud has a silver lining as they say.

 

2011

[Graceful]

Hey Graceful, thank you very much for the detailed response, very much appreciated.

 

You're right, I guess I am upset that she didn't act the way I would have acted if our shoes were switched. You're also right that I shouldn't assume the reasons for WHY she chose not to respond, like you said, MAYBE (although I have my doubts this was her reasoning) she thought she would have hurt me more if she said anything, I really don't know (that doesn't make sense to me, ie. don't see how a goodbye and wish me well would have hurt, but i guess we all think differently).

No problem, and glad I could help give you a different perspective. Just to let you know, and I wanted to wait to see your response to mention this, but if it were me, I would have responded to the text, at least to thank you for it. I would have understood your need to distance yourself and why you could not be my friend (NOTE: not that I would have trashed your feelings in the first place, mind you, but you know what I mean)

 

It was like putting salt on the wound for you. She had a chance to just punctuate the situation in a nice, low-key way by acknowledging you, and instead, she blew it (in your eyes), and wasted an opportunity to show you that she appreciated you. In the final analysis, you didn't feel appreciated, and that stings, especially when someone went back to an ex where there are clearly issues.

 

To ME, right or wrong, I feel she burned that bridge by not saying goodbye to me, or not wishing me all the best, just showing some form of f-ing care that she wants the best for me. It bums me out, and it probably shouldn't even be that big of a deal, but it was/is to me. If we run into eachother, if she contacts me next year, in two years, whenever, I think I'd rather ignore her now (and maybe that's actually the best option ANYway).

I felt like my ex tossed me aside like a wet kleenex at the end. That's the truth, it was as though me, what we had shared, our entire time together, was just cast aside as though it was of no use and no value to him. SO I, like many others here, know that feeling that asks, "did I ever mean anything to this person?" and it seems long ago and far away -- yet it wasn't.

 

You know, sometimes it's the smallest and seemingly minute aspects of someone's personality or behavior that can make us fall in love with that person. Maybe just this little gesture, or the way they say a word or expression they use, just makes you melt. The same can be said for that cold behavior, that final step in the wrong direction, the words that didn't come out right, the coldness, the way someone seems to walk away with such ease when your world is falling apart. And in the final analysis, it's true, that's what you remember.

 

That's why it's so important to feel good about your behavior, because that's what you own. So take heart. You did learn from this experience. Now pretend you're taking that last bit of communication and her lack of response, tie it to a helium balloon, and let it go into the sky. Just know that someone's out there who's going to blow your ex right out of the water. Got that? Good. Take care.

Edited May 15, 2011 by Graceful

[Jono85]

No problem, and glad I could help give you a different perspective. Just to let you know, and I wanted to wait to see your response to mention this, but if it were me, I would have responded to the text, at least to thank you for it. I would have understood your need to distance yourself and why you could not be my friend (NOTE: not that I would have trashed your feelings in the first place, mind you, but you know what I mean)

 

It was like putting salt on the wound for you. She had a chance to just punctuate the situation in a nice, low-key way by acknowledging you, and instead, she blew it (in your eyes), and wasted an opportunity to show you that she appreciated you. In the final analysis, you didn't feel appreciated, and that stings, especially when someone went back to an ex where there are clearly issues.

 

That's exactly it (your 2nd paragraph). And even aside from that stuff, to show me that she IS indeed a good UNSELFISH person who can put my hurt feelings/needs ahead of her own, given the circumstance (she's happy with her ex/new bf, i'm dealing with my lover leaving me out of left field (literally), alone). And I know i cannot know for certain her reasoning, but I do know a lot more about her after the dust is all settled and I can process what went on, and there WERE many warning signs within the relationship that she was a very selfish person (i know there's no correlation necessarily, but the girl changed her facebook profile pic every 3 days, no joke...she craved attention). I would also have to initiate most of the 'resolution talks' post fight/argument which is never a good sign. And most notably, when someone is talking to their ex for at least a month, 'working on things', while hiding that from their gf/bf (btw I actually even gave her a chance to own up to everything AFTER i found the letter, and she lied and told me that no, the extent of their relationship I could see on facebook). You cannot get more selfish than that; I was clearly the fallback guy in case her ex and her couldn't resolve their issues. Oh well.

 

And it's so crazy b/c I think I'm extraordinarily gifted at analyzing ppl and not getting fooled by ppl. My gut is generally bang on, and it let me down this time. I was sold that she was the most honest girl, with the highest morals, I'd come across. Before we became official, she stayed a night at my house b/c it was really late, and I was shocked to hear her tell her mom she was staying at my house, given how strict I knew her mom was. Her mom was very upset (given she hadn't met me yet) but my ex told me she just didn't feel good about lying; I was amazed (I doubt I could have done the same and I consider my morals fairly high). Anyway bottom line she played me real good, and she's a great actress. K i'm rambling..

 

btw feels good that you agree with me about responding, and that i'm not alone thinking that it was a bit distasteful.

 

I felt like my ex tossed me aside like a wet kleenex at the end. That's the truth, it was as though me, what we had shared, our entire time together, was just cast aside as though it was of no use and no value to him. SO I, like many others here, know that feeling that asks, "did I ever mean anything to this person?" and it seems long ago and far away -- yet it wasn't.

 

You know, sometimes it's the smallest and seemingly minute aspects of someone's personality or behavior that can make us fall in love with that person. Maybe just this little gesture, or the way they say a word or expression they use, just makes you melt. The same can be said for that cold behavior, that final step in the wrong direction, the words that didn't come out right, the coldness, the way someone seems to walk away with such ease when your world is falling apart. And in the final analysis, it's true, that's what you remember.

 

That's why it's so important to feel good about your behavior, because that's what you own. So take heart. You did learn from this experience. Now pretend you're taking that last bit of communication and her lack of response, tie it to a helium balloon, and let it go into the sky. Just know that someone's out there who's going to blow your ex right out of the water. Got that? Good. Take care.

 

I'm really sorry to hear about your ex and how he left you. I think i've just grown to learn that, and i'm not trying to claim i've got it all together and perfect, but i think there are ppl in this world that just are just on a total different wave length, morally. Listen, I get that ppl are going to get their heart broken, that's life. But there's a way to leave things, there's a way to end things graciously, a way to comfort someone you've STOPPED loving and be there for them when they need you initially (if they do need you, if they'd rather not, obv comply). Honestly, and this isn't only b/c of my recent ex, but over the past year i've really been let down and disappointed by ppl in general and i think i need to lower expectations. Eg. a girl I set up a date with who i'd been talking to for a week or two (a lot of it initiated by her) just completely left me hanging and didn't respond the day before our date. No excuse, nothing. A couple weeks later I ran into her and she was highly embarassed and overly apologetic ("i was really busy"...really?!?...so busy you can't even text/call and notify me?? lol), and even tried calling me afterwards thereby confirming she simply ignored my texts etc. Just sad and pathetic. I guess I'm a tad naive to the potential effects of bad parenting; because I just can't comprehend the acts of some individuals. ...ranting again

 

You're spot on about the love/hate thing too. And yes I know, it won't be hard to top my ex lol at least in terms of actually caring for my feelings/well being etc. It still kind of hit me all of a sudden, and I was blindsided by who she really was, but I am glad I found that out relatively early in our relationship.

 

But yeah thanks for the talk, it did feel good to talk about it and hear your perspective. If you ever need to talk or have questions that you'd want from a male perspective I'd be happy to help.

[Jono85]

Same thing happened to me mate been about same time as yours and about 5 months all in more or less NC, any contact like chat initiated by me not a jot from her and she would cut me off and post synde comments, she just walked and was so aloof and uncaring about the whole thing didn't even want to talk or anything - guess she found someone else, I don't know that for certain, it doesn't seem like that as I still see her floating on dating sites. Anyways I met a much nice person who is leaps and bounds above her so to **** with her and her games, try and think of it that way, I was overcome with this girl and was a wreck for about 3 months after BU but ever grey cloud has a silver lining as they say.

 

2011

 

definitely bud. glad you found a much better girl.

 

and you're right about every cloud having a silver lining. to be honest a part of me is happy she didn't respond b/c it confirms what i thought; that she's a complete selfish heartless b*tch. ok it doesn't necessarily CONFIRM that lol, but in my mind it does, and it just makes my scenario easier to let go. B/c i truthfully don't want her back, and that feels great. I feel terrible when I see all the cases on here where ppl DO want their ex back who broke their heart. I mean if I truly thought she was a great person, I WOULD fight for her. But I don't. It just still feels sh*tty that she tossed me to the curb like she did, and that's the part I struggle to get over; not her, but what she did to my self-esteem. Having a girl leave you for another man, for a guys ego, it's tough. But anyway cheers man, we'll find much better chicks out there no doubt. Here's to never going, or looking, back!

[betterdeal]

I'm relating to your story right now, as I too am feeling upset and angry about my ex. It is about (coincidentally) 3 months since I finally changed my mobile number and blocked her on Facebook. We interacted about once a month for a year after splitting up. Every time it did not work and it unsettled me for days afterwards.

 

So I initiated NC this time. Perhaps that puts me be in the position your ex is in, I don't know, seeing as you decided to try and talk with her again and she has not responded, so she is the one in your story who is maintaining NC. Everyone's story is different, but at the heart of the matter is two people who were together who are now not together.

 

As I see it, this is a loss, a deep, grievous loss. I've asked myself what has triggered my upset this time, and I think in my case it's been the arrival of old friends who saw our car crash relationship happen. Couple that with having spent the weekend with these friends who turned up hungover and the guy (they're a couple, I've known him for 20 years) being low level aggressive all the time, I'm feeling I have been reminded of the old days, when the relationship was careering from barrier to barrier. The heavy drinking, the negativity, the fact they were drinking in the pub just down the road from where she lives. All not me any more.

 

But anyway, how does relate to you? I think looking for the triggers that led you to text her (why didn't you call her?) may help you discover something interesting about yourself and your lifestyle that you can change for the better.

 

I've found and will be seeing a new therapist on Friday. So this incident, this wobble, has spurred me onto doing something pro-active. I want to stop associating present-day upsets with her. It's not her fault I had those friends over or that one of them was aggressive, or that they were hungover, or that I didn't behave differently this weekend.

 

I will move city end of the summer, leave this place behind. I suggest you look for what has triggered your upset around you and deal with that, as well as work to stop associating your present-day pains with her.

 

It's over.

[Jono85]

I'm relating to your story right now, as I too am feeling upset and angry about my ex. It is about (coincidentally) 3 months since I finally changed my mobile number and blocked her on Facebook. We interacted about once a month for a year after splitting up. Every time it did not work and it unsettled me for days afterwards.

 

So I initiated NC this time. Perhaps that puts me be in the position your ex is in, I don't know, seeing as you decided to try and talk with her again and she has not responded, so she is the one in your story who is maintaining NC. Everyone's story is different, but at the heart of the matter is two people who were together who are now not together.

 

As I see it, this is a loss, a deep, grievous loss. I've asked myself what has triggered my upset this time, and I think in my case it's been the arrival of old friends who saw our car crash relationship happen. Couple that with having spent the weekend with these friends who turned up hungover and the guy (they're a couple, I've known him for 20 years) being low level aggressive all the time, I'm feeling I have been reminded of the old days, when the relationship was careering from barrier to barrier. The heavy drinking, the negativity, the fact they were drinking in the pub just down the road from where she lives. All not me any more.

 

But anyway, how does relate to you? I think looking for the triggers that led you to text her (why didn't you call her?) may help you discover something interesting about yourself and your lifestyle that you can change for the better.

 

I've found and will be seeing a new therapist on Friday. So this incident, this wobble, has spurred me onto doing something pro-active. I want to stop associating present-day upsets with her. It's not her fault I had those friends over or that one of them was aggressive, or that they were hungover, or that I didn't behave differently this weekend.

 

I will move city end of the summer, leave this place behind. I suggest you look for what has triggered your upset around you and deal with that, as well as work to stop associating your present-day pains with her.

 

It's over.

 

Thanks for the post. Yes, it seems we both need to deal with our anger/bitterness in other ways.

 

Why didn't I call? You may have missed some details in my OP. She had texted me asking how i was doing, and went on to tell me about her first week of school and a job prospect. This was a week after we met up to kind of apologize for everything, catch up on our holidays, and just clear the air, b/c we left on very crappy terms a month prior. So anyway that following Friday night she texted me, around midnight oddly enough (she was undoubtedly lonely and asked if I was still up too) and I just replied a little while after that I didn't think friends was going to work blah blah blah take care of yourself and all the best. So I would think I was the one that initiated NC, not her. Needed to be clear on that; gotta have SOME pride left lol.

 

And you're right that I am "associating my present day pains to her", unfairly. I have other things going on, and even things before and during being with her. She was merely a blanket that masked by internal issues, so it's nice to attack them now and build a better me.

 

Actually just recently I met a girl and we've been in that initial crush stage, it's very clear we are both pretty into eachother, almost to the point where I need to pump my breaks and go slower; but what I was getting to was that I haven't been thinking about my ex nearly as much, which is very relieving. I know I'll get over her eventually, always did. Was just struggling as to why I was still so dang hung up on a girl I don't even want, a girl I know is not good enough for me and obv doesn't share the same morals and values in life. I think maybe I am not so hung up on her but I'm using her as an outlet to vent my real problems/issues. Also she dented my self-esteem (which was already a problem to begin with, and is one of my current problems) pretty good which only exacerbated everything. I was more hurt about that then losing her for sure.

 

Anyway I realize and acknowledge it will take some time to repair myself, but we're both undoubtedly better off. I'm glad to hear your taking steps in the right direction bud. One step at a time. As long as we're always pursuing STEADY (key word) improvement bit by bit it will end up being a massive change/breakthrough in the long run. Cheers.

[guitarxkid]

Hey man I really feel you on this. I'm not in the same situation but I see how shi-ty of a person my ex is but it still KILLS me. I'm just starting NC but I plan on continuing with it as she has a boyfriend (who she cheated with while I was with her).

 

It sucks, things are good like you said you had one of the best evenings with her, and then all of a sudden they go bad. Me and my ex were the closest we had been in forever and then I left for a vacation with my family and when I got back found out she had hooked up with another guy and didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I'm not really sure what to say about your situation but I have a feeling its possible I'll be in your shoes several months from now, I don't really know. But let me know how it goes, keep us updated and stay strong. Its hard moving on, I know

[betterdeal]

Thanks for the post. Yes, it seems we both need to deal with our anger/bitterness in other ways.

 

Why didn't I call? You may have missed some details in my OP. She had texted me asking how i was doing, and went on to tell me about her first week of school and a job prospect. This was a week after we met up to kind of apologize for everything, catch up on our holidays, and just clear the air, b/c we left on very crappy terms a month prior. So anyway that following Friday night she texted me, around midnight oddly enough (she was undoubtedly lonely and asked if I was still up too) and I just replied a little while after that I didn't think friends was going to work blah blah blah take care of yourself and all the best. So I would think I was the one that initiated NC, not her. Needed to be clear on that; gotta have SOME pride left lol.

 

And you're right that I am "associating my present day pains to her", unfairly. I have other things going on, and even things before and during being with her. She was merely a blanket that masked by internal issues, so it's nice to attack them now and build a better me.

 

Actually just recently I met a girl and we've been in that initial crush stage, it's very clear we are both pretty into eachother, almost to the point where I need to pump my breaks and go slower; but what I was getting to was that I haven't been thinking about my ex nearly as much, which is very relieving. I know I'll get over her eventually, always did. Was just struggling as to why I was still so dang hung up on a girl I don't even want, a girl I know is not good enough for me and obv doesn't share the same morals and values in life. I think maybe I am not so hung up on her but I'm using her as an outlet to vent my real problems/issues. Also she dented my self-esteem (which was already a problem to begin with, and is one of my current problems) pretty good which only exacerbated everything. I was more hurt about that then losing her for sure.

 

Anyway I realize and acknowledge it will take some time to repair myself, but we're both undoubtedly better off. I'm glad to hear your taking steps in the right direction bud. One step at a time. As long as we're always pursuing STEADY (key word) improvement bit by bit it will end up being a massive change/breakthrough in the long run. Cheers.

 

Ah, when I asked, "why didn't you call her" I was interested to know why you used text instead of talking to her by phone.

 

Anyway, yes, just like developing a muscle, self-improvement is best done by regular exercise and taking it to your own edge each time. Slowly slowly, catchy monkey.

 

I'm very interested in how we use language and what that reveals about how we feel. It occurs to me that saying "my ex" is quite a possessive way to put it. I know it's a commonly used phrase, but it sounds to me like ownership and, as such, makes us tied to that thing (in this case, the person in question). When I talk about places I used to live, I don't call them "my ex-house", I say "I used to live there". So, I think I'll try letting go of that ownership, and start referring to her as "someone I was involved" with. Actually writing this feels like a small weight has been lifted!

 

Good luck with the woman you are involved with now. Have fun and take it easy.