Mom hates boyfriend :(

[buddhistgirl]

Long story but I am in dire need of advice.

Some background about me: I love my family! We never really fought all the much and now it is constant. I no longer live at home...later in the story. I am 20 years old, going to college, have my AS, am Buddhist, which mom hates, and my mom has always been the dominant one in the house.

 

I didn't date until I was 16 and not much at that. But I am a very smart girl and am just careful of who I befriend. I met my boyfriend when I started a new job at a group home for mentally handicap adults. We were just friends at first and I was flirting with all the guys there. He decided to back off and wait til I realized I wasn't really interested in them and let me make the first move. This worked. We started hanging out and decided we would "begin" dating on Valetine's Day, which happened to be the next day. That night I went out with a different guy from work and messed around a little more than I should have (didn't sleep with him but he tried).

Anyway this broke my boyfriend's heart and I told him it was because I was scared to actually be in a committed relationship...I never had been.

He held this against me for a while but then let it go fairly quickly.

I then decided to bring him home to meet my family after about a month of dating. My sister immediately decided she hated him ( I think this was de to the amount of time I was spending with him and not her.) My mom and dad loved him, aside from all of his tattoes. He did have a rough past, but he's always been a good person and has been trying hard to be an even better person. He was a bit of an alcoholic when I got with him initially. I brought this up to him once and he decided that maybe I was right. He had gotten a DUI a year before I met him, and so with the courts as a motivator, decided to quit drinking for good. I never drank much but decided I would quit too to support him.

Again sorry for the length of the story.

He shortly decided he was going to go back to college since he was seeing how well I was doing with it. He went when he was 18 but wasn't able to finish because his mom passed away. He is now 27.

He started hanging out with my family often and the only people who were rude to him was my sister and my cousin. This started fights between my sister and my mom (who was supporting him) and me. My mom would actually hang out with him without me. They would joke around and seemed to get a long just fine. My mom's only worries that she voiced to me were: 1. his tattoes 2. he was too materialistic (she often was putting dirt and whatnot on his clothes because he cared about them. Once you tell my family you don't like something, they do it tenfold. He had asked her to stop many times; she always laughed it off) 3. he was rude to a waitress once behind her back and 4. his rough past (drugs, which he no longer does)

I didn't think much of it but did mention them to him. He said he realized he was a little materialistic, but because he was homeless and in foster care for much of his youth, he now valued what he had. He also said he'd pay more attention to how he spoke about people and that he didn't mean any offense. So...I fell in love .

After a year, he came over for New Year's Eve. About ten at night, my mom came over and stepped on his shoe. He asked her to stop in a firm voice. Not liking confrontation, I, like a whimp knowing what was going to happen, left the room. So of course, my mom came over and stepped on his shoe again. This time he dropped the "f bomb". My cousin, drunk and the one who was also always rude, asked to him to watch his language. My boyfriend told him to mind his own f*ing business. Which at that point my mom told me to get him out of her house.

That night I slept over at his place, again, I don't like confrontation.

My mom refused to look at my for 2 weeks because I had decided to stay with him. I had to move out because I couldn't stand being ignored like that. However, I messed up with this one. She found my bags packed. I didn't know how to talk to her. She went to work crying; she's not one to cry often. I have pretty well been depressed since then (over a year now).

I lived on my own for 10 months, however would sleep over at my boyfriends often. I moved in with him just before Halloween.

The fighting with my mom has only gotten worse. She says that I have completely disregarded my family and don't care about them anymore. My mom said she has to think about me being with him everyday. She degrades him everytime I talk to him in a round about manner, as well as my sister with comments like: you should date that guy; Red heads are so ugly. Now my mom is putting my sister and my other cousin up on pedastles because they have dumped their boyfriends. Now my sister is drunk to spite my boyfriend not drinking (she used to say how stupid drinking was.) They keep telling me to drink. Boyfriend doesn't really mind if I do, however since I haven't for so long now it just gets me sick. I am also not allowed to say his name or mention anything WE have done.

My mom, sister and I all got into a HUGE argument last night and I havent been able to stop crying.

I am suppose to go on vacation with them in a month and am now not so sure I can. . .

ALSO...sorry...it has been a little bit tense between my boyfriend and I because of my family, because I suck at communicating and don't talk to him much, and I apparently make him feel like an idiot when he talks to me because I don't respond much. He is a very logical person so I have a hard time talking to him when I know his answer will be "then do something about it." He keeps asking me if I'd be happier if we split. I love him very much but I wonder if the pain is outweighing the love right now and if it'll ever get better.

Desperately need advice...thanks

[TaraMaiden]

The Buddha taught: I come to show the origin of suffering and teach the cessation of suffering."

 

Suffering is mind-wrought by our clinging and grasping to those things we believe will cause us happiness, and wanting to end those things which cause hatred and aversion.

 

There is healthy desire and craving, and there is unhealthy desire and craving.

 

In Pali, wise desire is called "sankappa", which is the 2nd factor of the noble eightfold path.

 

Unwise desire, or craving and grasping, is "tanha", which means "thirst". "tanha" is always desire under the power of ignorance.

 

We exercise the Four Virtues:

Compassion, Loving Kindness, equanimity and serene joy.

 

Compassion, kindness, equanimity and joy, must be tempered by Wisdom.

 

Without Wisdom, these qualities will always be tainted by an agenda, and by a false premise of desire. Desire to see our wishes fulfilled, in spite of all evidence that such actions will prove contrary.

 

As a Buddhist, what in your above post would you say is adhering to your practice, and what in it, is not?

 

With Metta,

 

TaraMaiden.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It seems to me that the boyfriend is living right down to all of the stereotypes one might have about him.

 

Of course nobody could expect the once-smitten young woman to recognize this and opt for her own family over the doomed relationship.

 

I can only imagine how 'small' you would feel if you were to plea to your family to let you come back to them, and severe all ties with the boyfriend. At the very least, the constant strain of all of this is affecting you in adverse ways. Just to be rid of that atmosphere would have to have some sort of a healing effect on you.

 

 

I can't exactly tell whether you truly are happy, or whether you would claim that you are happy in the relationship. I'm sure that the relationship has some upside to it, but given the big picture, it just seems like you should cut ties with this boyfriend in the interest of getting your life on a more healthy and happy trajectory.

[Joe Normal]

No offense but your mother sounds annoying - stepping on people's toes, dirtying their clothes? She acts like a 12 year old.

[buddhistgirl]

The reason I don't immediately end this relationship is not only because I love my boyfriend, I don't want my love life to be something my mom thinks she can control just like everything else she has in my life. She has always been very judgemental. I am not a very strong person; I've always been submissive to my mom and not questioned her authority.

However, this is my future and I know that no matter who I am with, she would not approve. I want a future with a man I love, who I can trust completely, and who treats me with respect. I don't feel that I can ever have this with my mom's approval.

This is what upsets me so much; I hate disrespecting my mom like this, but don't think it is worth sacraficing what I have since it would be the same story again and again.

It's frustrating not being able to "make" someone see your point of view, even if they don't agree with it. Being open to what I'm experiencing would be wonderful, even is she still felt I was in the wrong. She just refuses to be open and is very stubborn in her views. I know you can't teach anyone anything if they don't want to be taught. It is a concept I am still trying to accept.

I want to make everyone happy, including myself. But I would sacrafice my happiness to please others. But in this situation, I can't please everyone...Not that I can one see anyway.

Edited May 16, 2011 by buddhistgirl

[TaraMaiden]

If you truly wish to follow Buddhism, you need to differentiate between Idiot Compassion and Wise Compassion.

 

Compassion begins with ourselves.

 

The fundamental teaching of Buddhism is the recognition of the things which make us suffer, and how we persist in adhering to them, in spite off all sense telling us it is a futile and foolish exercise.

 

Question:

 

Why do you think you need to be with anyone, to fulfil who you are?

If you cannot come to a place of serenity, contentment and Joyful peace where you are now, where else do you expect to find it?

 

You are responsible for Compassion for yourself. Your job is not to please everyone, your job is to make yourself the best person you can be.

 

You're striving to do too much, for - and against - too many people, at once.

You need to take a step back, evaluate your own resistance and aversion, find the root cause and begin from there.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Mom "controlling" your love life would entail repeated episodes of you dating guys and bringing them around for your mother's ultimate approval or veto of the prospective partners (with you abiding completely each time).

 

The fact that you and your mom just coincide on one occasion in the summation of one individual as being/seeming like bad news in relation to your bright future, is not yet "controlling", especially if a reasonable onlooker can plainly see that he is bad news.

 

There needs to be a pattern in order for your mom to be guilty of 'controlling' your love life.

 

I know very well that you might feel soooooooooo low and defeated if you opt to move back with your mom and end the relationship with your boyfriend. It would still be such a healthy step toward the best future you can possibly know.

 

You are very fortunate in that you are not trapped in this relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree with the above.

 

As PMs are impossible for a new member until they've hit a specific number of posts, I'd be happy to open a new thread in the Spirituality and Religious beliefs Forum.

Let me know if generally discussing this in the specific light of Buddhism, would help.

[buddhistgirl]

I would love to post a new thread there Tara Maiden.

I often read about Buddhism and I completely agree with everything it teaches; but I still often forget to apply it to my life. It may sound contradictive, but I let emotions take over so much that I forget about what I believe in the most.

The truth is I'm scared. I've created this life with a man, and I'm scared to leave it. We've made plans and we share a life. We decided to move to Hawaii in a few years to work on our Bachelor's together. We've talked about getting married and I adore his family. I'm scared I will leave and never find anything better; or that there is nothing better. It all seems so wonderul between us. But there is a huge space in our relationship and it does need to be dealt with. I am a horrible communicator, but I think I will try to talk to my boyfriend tonight to see how he really feels about the situation.

We've talked before and all he ever says is "do what will make you happy." But if this is hurting him as much as it is me, then perhaps it is an end to our journey. I'm crying just writing this. I would hate to hurt him. We've both grown and changed so much while being together the past 2 1/2 years; that is something that will be hard to let go.

Oh, and I said "controlling" my life because that is what my mom tried to do to my brother; she threatened to call the police on his girlfriend unless he dumped her. That was 10 years ago. Now my brother is married to this woman with 3 childrenand my mom still tells my brother how big of a mistake he made and is still making. She's never liked any of his girlfriends; and my brother dated ALOT. I am scared that she's starting the same thing with me.

[TaraMaiden]

Cool. Well, being in the UK, our clocks differ wildly, and I have to go to work soon, but I'll get on to it tonight....

 

Chill.

 

Beathe.

 

Talk later.....

[TheFamilyMan]

Mom "controlling" your love life would entail repeated episodes of you dating guys and bringing them around for your mother's ultimate approval or veto of the prospective partners (with you abiding completely each time).

 

The fact that you and your mom just coincide on one occasion in the summation of one individual as being/seeming like bad news in relation to your bright future, is not yet "controlling", especially if a reasonable onlooker can plainly see that he is bad news.

 

There needs to be a pattern in order for your mom to be guilty of 'controlling' your love life.

 

I know very well that you might feel soooooooooo low and defeated if you opt to move back with your mom and end the relationship with your boyfriend. It would still be such a healthy step toward the best future you can possibly know.

 

You are very fortunate in that you are not trapped in this relationship.

 

Incredibly good points^^^

[TaraMaiden]

I would love to post a new thread there Tara Maiden.

I often read about Buddhism and I completely agree with everything it teaches; but I still often forget to apply it to my life. It may sound contradictive, but I let emotions take over so much that I forget about what I believe in the most.

The truth is I'm scared. I've created this life with a man, and I'm scared to leave it. We've made plans and we share a life. We decided to move to Hawaii in a few years to work on our Bachelor's together. We've talked about getting married and I adore his family. I'm scared I will leave and never find anything better; or that there is nothing better..

 

 

Ok, here we go.....

[buddhistgirl]

thanks all

sorry I haven't replied. I've been busy busy

[Eddie Edirol]

Cant make your mom happy unless everyone is single in your family to pay attention to her. Is she not dating anyone? Maybe she wants everyone to be lonely like her, and family fills the void? I would say do not dump your boyfriend over this. Your mom sound s like she will act the same way regardless what your dating situation is.

 

I say dont pay any attention to her, because she is disrespecting you. She only deserves SO much respect when she acts this way. Stay with your bf, keep that relationship strong. You know you cant please everyone, and if you dump him you will be miserable. Go to hawaii with him, and when you do, dont keep in close contact with your mom. Let her miss you, and when she asks why you wont call her you tell her its because of her behavior. You have to practice developing a backbone, because this situation cant get much worse if you fight back.

 

You are your own woman, you have to act like it.

[buddhistgirl]

My mom isn't single. She has been married for 12 years. None of us kids have every objected their marriage. The only thing we were upset about is not being invited to the wedding. (she had a small on with only a few witnesses) I think my mom's biggest "concern" roots from her past. Her first marriage was not pleasant. He was very abusive verbally and physically. She got pregnant when she was 16 and married that man before giving birth.

My sister has a new boyfriend now and it seems my mom only likes him to spite me, but I could be wrong. He seems like a nice guy but I only met him for 20 minutes. My biggest concern is that she met him on facebook. I feel as if my sister is now dating EVERYONE just to be put on a pedastal by my mom. However, since practicing Buddhism more, this has yet to upset me. I am only concerned for my sister. No negative feelings towards anyone I have been much happier.

I didn't leave my boyfriend. I did talk to him and he said he knows that we are going through hard times with my mom, but that he will always support me and never give up on us. He wants me to have a good relationship with my mom and only wants to break up if that's what I really want, not my mom.