sert Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I need help!!!!!!!! My fiance' for 2 and 1/2 years as recentley told me that she has a new male friend. She tells me this after I find out that she went to a movie with him and told her sister to cover for her if I called looking for her. I want to believe that nothing is going on, but she lied about where she was the night she decided to go out with him. She wouldn't answer her cell phone that entire night, then her sister called me and told me that she had just called her and told her to cover for her because I wouldn't let her have any friends. It is true, I do judge her friends because I don't want her hanging around anyone that does drugs or commits crimes, but is this a reason to lie to me. Another thing, we haven't had sex in about 4 months now and I confronted her about it after I found out she has this new male friend. She told me that she thinks her hormones are messed up, but she is only 20. Is that possible? We use to have sex like 3 times a day for the first year, then we would have sex about 2 times a week till now. Is she sleeping around on me with her new friend? She said that she has know him from her past before we started dating and that they are just friends, should I trust her? I asked her to invite him over to our house that we share together so that I may try to get to know him, but she told me she would later after I have become comfortable with her have him as a friend. She said that she didn't want me making him feel uncomfortable when he comes over. I have seen him several times before when I go into a store she works at, he is in there talking to her when I come in. He leaves very quickly though when he sees me, is he trying to move in on my fiance'? Another thing, the night I found out she told me that she wasn't sure what she wanted in life. She wasn't sure if she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me or look at other possabilities. She said that we both needed to have friends of the opposite sex but we needed to promise each other that there wouldn't be any sexual contact between our new friends. I then told her that I think I needed to move out for a while so that we can think, but she said that she wanted to be roomates with me while she decides what she wants in life. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Has she been your fiance for 2 1/2 years? That might be part of the problem. Sh*t or get off the pot, man. Plus, if you rushed into an engagement (you both sound uber young to be getting married, but I guess it depends on backgrounds/upbringing), she's probably having doubts. Talk to her about them, but realize that there's probably nothing you can do about her doubts, but you can put an end to yours... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sert Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 She isn't ready to get married she said, she wants to finish school first. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 you should have known that before you proposed. and if you did, then you should have waited until she was near finishing school. two and a half years is a long time to be engaged, and it sounds like you still have a long time ahead of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sert Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 She was the one that wanted to get engaged, I was willing to but I wanted to wait till she was done with school. She insisted that we get engaged to move on in our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Crys0369 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 You can't blame her for that. The wanting to finish school before marriage thing. Yall sound too young to even be considering marriage if you ask me. You can be with someone without getting married so young. This is obviously someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, so whats the point in rushing into marriage RIGHT NOW? I think she might be using the school excuse to try to make you understand that she's not ready. As for the new guy friend-- If he's from her past then he's not so new is he? Ask her why she's never mentioned him before if he's from the past. Tell her you trust her but you're scared that she might do something she shouldn't. Put her in your place! Ask her how she would feel if there was some chick doing the same things this guy is doing. Tell her meeting this guy would help you to feel ok with her hanging out with him and let her know that doing it behind your back is not a good way to get you alright with it all. You just hafta talk to her dude, otherwise, there's no relationship to save... Link to post Share on other sites
Crys0369 Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 She insisted on getting engaged to move on in the relationship but yet now she's not so sure? I don't know man, but at 20 somethin', I don't see what the big rush is to move on in the relationship... Maybe I'm just crazy... Link to post Share on other sites
Author sert Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 Well, she is 20 but I am 27 and as for the guy not being so new. She tells me he is from her past but how do I know she isn't just telling me a lie about it and why does he run out the door when I go see her at work. He left so quickly the other day he left all the items he had bought, and that was even before I knew who he was. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss_Prolixity Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Hi Sert, No one knows for certain if your girlfriend is having an affair. But there's some major red flags in your relationship (on both parts). For one, you're in a relationship where your girlfriend lies to you. On the other hand, she could see you as a controller, ie: you don't like her friends (with good reason) and don't want her to hang around them. Even if you have legitimate reasons, she is an adult who can make her own decisions and she can decide who she wants in her life. As for sex, everyone has different sex drives. But to abstain from it in a relationship, especially where you've tried to communicate about it seems a bit weary on her part. Even more so, because she says it's hormonal, although you two seem to have had an extremely productive sex life in the past. Would she opt to go a Physician and see if there are meds she can take for her condition? Another thing, she told you she doesn't know what she wants out of life, and that includes you. No one can predict the future, but it's pretty cut and dry where you stand. She stated that maybe she should look at other possibilites. I don't want to speculate, but this new man she's befriending could be that other possibility. If you didn't have the dishonesty issue already in play, I definitely wouldn't see anything wrong with her being friends with the this guy, in fact, I would encourage it and tell you that you're probably insecure and you need to have trust. But the bond of trust was broken when she lied. There's no excuses for lying in a relationship and now you can see why. You're having all the ill "side effects" from it. Link to post Share on other sites
MB Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Guys don't have girl "friends". They have girls they want to have sex with. Your fiancee's new friend wants to bang the hell out of her and she's enjoying the attention. Hate to tell you, but you're probably SOL. That's what you get for dating a 20 year old. Nothing personal, but people don't really know what they want until about age 30. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Your fiance's story sounds like a bunch of crap. If this guy was only a friend, why would she go out with him without you knowing, then ask her sister to cover for her. AND, when you ask to meet this guy, she comes up with a lame excuse as to why that can't happen right now. She's not being honest, and if your alarm is ringing, don't ignore it. Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Your fiancee is communicating clearly that she has serious doubts about the two of you, and may want out of the relationship. The lie isn't a good sign. Her disinterest in sex with you isn't. Her uncertainty about your future together, or what she wants in general, isn't. This is not how a woman who loves you and wants to marry you behaves or talks. You've good reason to worry about the so-called platonic male friend she's hanging with. Women tend to leave one relationship when they find a man they want to be with more than the first. Usually only in cases of abuse, etc. does a woman leave without another man in the wings. She's giving you permission to date other women without sex (which is what this is, as you've characterized it) because she wants you to say what she's doing is fine. If you've an equal right to it, then you can't object to her doing it. Well -- you should, absolutely. If she has to lie about this, and if she has to give you permission, then it's not really the sort of nonsexual, genuinely platonic friendship men and women can have. It's shopping for a new partner without the risk of being alone or having to make ends meet on her own. Also, her concern about comfort level should be for yours over this friend's. If you are her partner, and may one day be her husband, then it is her responsibility to give you no reason for jealousy -- as long as you are not controlling or possessive. Why does she care more about his comfort than yours? That's not right -- and it's another bad sign. I've known a couple who went through a very similar scenario. She made a "platonic friend" with whom she snuck around -- eventually turned into an emotional then sexual affair. She told her husband about him, but denied the affair (while pursuing it with all her might). Eventually, he made a platonic female friend and she hit the roof. Why? She assumed he was thinking about doing the same thing she was. They're still married. Eventually, they worked things out -- but only because the other man didn't want the wife (he was married, too, btw). She would have left her husband for him otherwise. Did her husband get the short end of the stick? Oh, yes -- no doubt about it. I'm not saying your fiancee has actually had an affair yet, but she's thinking about it. She's rationalizing her behavior. She's putting you on hold until she makes up her mind. Instead of acting out in this way, she should be trying to work out things with you -- long talks, couples therapy, whatever. You've every right to expect that she'll focus on your relationship and make some choices soon. Give her a deadline -- and then leave her if it comes to that. Don't let her lead you on for too long. -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
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