What do you think?

[nooneyouknow]

I have been married 20+ years, and have two kids in state college. My wife had a hysterectomy eight years ago, and sex since then has been very infrequent, basically 3-4 times per year and usually just when we are on vacation.

About seven months ago I met a woman who went to the same high school as me on a social networking site. She is a year younger than me and has grown children.

We started off as online friends, and last September when I was visiting my mother in her state she drove across the state to meet me and got a hotel room by my mothers house. By that point we had already grown close on line, and were texting and talking on the phone occasionally. We realized we had a lot in common, music, beliefs, sexual frustration, sense of humor, etc.

We had sex that night that she was staying by my mother's house. She made me feel great and was very attentive to me.

The next two months, Oct. and Nov. she made trips back to NY, where I live, and where she still has some friends from high school. We again hooked up for sexual encounters and hung out for a few hours together at a high school reunion. Again, at this point it was sexual release for me and a friend I liked. I could have walked away and had no real emotional attachment. I did tell her many times that I wanted to keep the relationship as "friends", and that if we saw each other, great, and if we didn't, I was happy to have her as an online buddy. I honestly felt that she was a bit bipolar and overly emotional. I wondered about her mental stability, but she is a genuinely good person.

In December she was texting a friend about me and misdirected the text to her adult daughter instead. Her daughter figured out who I am and saw all our posts to each other on Facebook. Her daughter was extremely mad at her for cheating, and did not talk to her for a few weeks and cut off contact between my friend and her grandchildren for those weeks. My friend was devastated by this. She then told her husband, whom she has been unhappy with for a few years, that she was involved in an 'emotional, online affair". Her husband told her he didn't believe in such things, and that he didn't care.

In February I was going to her area to see her, and she wanted to spend the night with me. She was conflicted over the love she had for me (she had fallen in love at this point, but I had not). She felt that she could no longer sleep with me and be married to a man she disliked. She told her husband that she wanted a separation. He told her that they should divorce. She suggested they go counseling, even though she really did not even like him anymore, let alone love him. He rejected the offer of counseling.

In March she was up in NY again, we spent two nights together and the sex was mindblowing. I guess we were both relaxed with each other at this point, and we really connected. I guess it was at this point that I realized how compatible we were also, and I fell in love too.

Now her husband has moved out of their house, we are in love, and I am deeply torn as to how I should proceed.

We recently spent another couple of days together at a hotel at the beach, took a long car trip together, and we talk for hours online almost every night.

I do feel that she could be my "soulmate". I have much more in common with her than I do with my wife. The sex is fantastic and she treats me as a god and worships me.

The problem is that I am reluctant to unwind 20+ years of marriage, break my wife's heart, upset my kids, etc. etc. My wife is a good person, and contrary to what you might be thinking, I respect her highly. She is a good wife and a great mother. But we have lost all passion from our relationship. If I attempt to create a lovemaking situation I am almost always rebuffed. She refused the hormone therapy after her hysterectomy out of fear of contracting breast cancer, which runs in her family. It is like living with my sister or a roommate. We are friends, but we have lost so much in terms not just of sex but of the intimacy that goes with sex.

So, now I have a wife/partner/friend that I feel no passion for and can't see spending the next 20 years with and feeling unfulfilled and unwanted as a man. And I have a GF who worships and adores me, and who I feel a great connection with, but who is now separated and wants me to be with her eventually in a permanent, long term relationship.

I guess many people have gotten themselves into this situation, and I accept my responsibility for letting this new relationship start and become so involved. I am just looking for advice in regards to the maintaining the status quo and the stability of my family and not hurting my wife's feelings vs. wanting to spend my last couple of decades with someone who it just "feels so right" with and who wants to be with me on so many levels.

[Kari]

There is a infidelity section, it would be better to be posted there. Or in the Other man/ Woman section, as there are more viewers.

 

I suggest reposting in one of the two because in those particular areas there are numerous posters with similar experiences and better input.

 

I believe that your wife deserves a say in this as well. If you are unhappy and want to move on, your wife deserves to have that choice too.

[Delilah5]

I have been married 20+ years, and have two kids in state college. My wife had a hysterectomy eight years ago, and sex since then has been very infrequent, basically 3-4 times per year and usually just when we are on vacation.

About seven months ago I met a woman who went to the same high school as me on a social networking site. She is a year younger than me and has grown children.

We started off as online friends, and last September when I was visiting my mother in her state she drove across the state to meet me and got a hotel room by my mothers house. By that point we had already grown close on line, and were texting and talking on the phone occasionally. We realized we had a lot in common, music, beliefs, sexual frustration, sense of humor, etc.

We had sex that night that she was staying by my mother's house. She made me feel great and was very attentive to me.

The next two months, Oct. and Nov. she made trips back to NY, where I live, and where she still has some friends from high school. We again hooked up for sexual encounters and hung out for a few hours together at a high school reunion. Again, at this point it was sexual release for me and a friend I liked. I could have walked away and had no real emotional attachment. I did tell her many times that I wanted to keep the relationship as "friends", and that if we saw each other, great, and if we didn't, I was happy to have her as an online buddy. I honestly felt that she was a bit bipolar and overly emotional. I wondered about her mental stability, but she is a genuinely good person.

In December she was texting a friend about me and misdirected the text to her adult daughter instead. Her daughter figured out who I am and saw all our posts to each other on Facebook. Her daughter was extremely mad at her for cheating, and did not talk to her for a few weeks and cut off contact between my friend and her grandchildren for those weeks. My friend was devastated by this. She then told her husband, whom she has been unhappy with for a few years, that she was involved in an 'emotional, online affair". Her husband told her he didn't believe in such things, and that he didn't care.

In February I was going to her area to see her, and she wanted to spend the night with me. She was conflicted over the love she had for me (she had fallen in love at this point, but I had not). She felt that she could no longer sleep with me and be married to a man she disliked. She told her husband that she wanted a separation. He told her that they should divorce. She suggested they go counseling, even though she really did not even like him anymore, let alone love him. He rejected the offer of counseling.

In March she was up in NY again, we spent two nights together and the sex was mindblowing. I guess we were both relaxed with each other at this point, and we really connected. I guess it was at this point that I realized how compatible we were also, and I fell in love too.

Now her husband has moved out of their house, we are in love, and I am deeply torn as to how I should proceed.

We recently spent another couple of days together at a hotel at the beach, took a long car trip together, and we talk for hours online almost every night.

I do feel that she could be my "soulmate". I have much more in common with her than I do with my wife. The sex is fantastic and she treats me as a god and worships me.

The problem is that I am reluctant to unwind 20+ years of marriage, break my wife's heart, upset my kids, etc. etc. My wife is a good person, and contrary to what you might be thinking, I respect her highly. She is a good wife and a great mother. But we have lost all passion from our relationship. If I attempt to create a lovemaking situation I am almost always rebuffed. She refused the hormone therapy after her hysterectomy out of fear of contracting breast cancer, which runs in her family. It is like living with my sister or a roommate. We are friends, but we have lost so much in terms not just of sex but of the intimacy that goes with sex.

So, now I have a wife/partner/friend that I feel no passion for and can't see spending the next 20 years with and feeling unfulfilled and unwanted as a man. And I have a GF who worships and adores me, and who I feel a great connection with, but who is now separated and wants me to be with her eventually in a permanent, long term relationship.

I guess many people have gotten themselves into this situation, and I accept my responsibility for letting this new relationship start and become so involved. I am just looking for advice in regards to the maintaining the status quo and the stability of my family and not hurting my wife's feelings vs. wanting to spend my last couple of decades with someone who it just "feels so right" with and who wants to be with me on so many levels.

You've opened up a can of worms, friend. What happens when Miss Bi-Polar decides to end your marriage for you? Do you want to marry this girl, in the event that your wife somehow finds out? Did you ever fall in love back? This is so common nowadays and sad. My advice? Run away. It sounds like you have some hard calls to make one way or another. Cheating is wrong and we reap what we sow. But I hope it works out and you find some solution.. I just hope that your children aren't crushed by it. And believe me, when the $H!T hits the fan, they will be. How do I know? Did the same thing several years ago. Good luck!

[Woman In Blue]

LOL...you sound like every other married man getting some on the side - could this story BE any more stereotypical?

 

Let's see....

 

"The sex is off the charts...." Check

"She makes me feel like a God.." Check

"We're soulmates...." Check.

 

So, only AFTER the 2 days of "mindblowing sex" you suddenly discovered that you're in love?

 

Sounds as though you're in lust.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Well, you've already hurt your wife, the damage is done there. She might not know it yet but she will. You've also destroyed your marriage. Now you are comparing the "in love" feelings from an affair to a twenty year marriage. That was a personal decision, unfortunately a lot of other people will suffer.

 

What's done is done and can't be undone. No "unhurting" your wife marriage or family. The best thing you can do is pull the band aide off quickly. If you are too cowardly to tell the real truth then make something up. Tell your wife you need out now. Don't give her any false hopes and drag this on because of "your feelings" and indecision. Man

up and make this as easy for them as it can be. That will put her in a situation to heal quicker and maybe find a man who she wants to have

sex with and who sees her as more than a sister.

 

Make your last act as a husband and protector one that saves your family from the drawn out drama and pain that many cheaters cause their families by their own inability to make a decision. You've chosen this for them, let them go so that they can heal.

 

I promise you that betrayal will kill love and trust in a marriage much quicker than lack of sex! Go be with that person who worships you because when you see the pain you've caused in you wife and children's eyes you will hardly be able to look in them without seeing yourself as they do. THAT'S when you're gonna need to feel like a God in your soulmates eyes regardless how false that might be!

 

Your story is familiar to me, have you posted before?

Have

Edited May 15, 2011 by IfWishesWereHorses

[nooneyouknow]

Thanks to those that responded. I would like to clear up a couple of misconceptions:

1. I did not fall in love after two days of "mind blowing sex". This affair has been going on daily through texts, FB and phone calls for seven months. The days of fantastic sex were just a culmination of many feelings. The sex just kind of crystalized things. I think for both me and my GF, the sex has shown us what we had been missing in life in terms of intimacy, fulfillment and desirability in the past several years or so with our spouses. As I think I said, we have seen each other after the two days of sex. We hooked up again for another three days and took a long car trip together. The relationship got even stronger.

2. My kids are now young men. I do not expect them to understand, and frankly, I don't give a damn. I have been there for them every day of their lives. I have stayed married for their sake. I think everyone deserves to be happy. Let them judge me after they are married for 20+ years and are (I hope not) unfulfilled, and undesired.

3. An argument can be made that my wife has given up on our marriage several years ago. She seems to want me around because she likes having me around. She does not like change. We are friends/partners. I never said that I did not want to sleep with my wife. I do try a few times a month to arouse her, but I am almost always rebuffed. I honestly believe that this is 100% hormonal/medical with her.

[nooneyouknow]

If my wife finds out, she finds out. I cannot bring myself to tell her and break up our marriage because I do love her as a person and respect her. I do not want to hurt her feelings, and I think she would be crushed by a break up.

But if she discovers the affair, que sera sera. I honestly feel that she is almost as much to blame for it as I am. If she had taken care of things at home, we would probably not be in this situation. Like everyone else, especially in people in mid life, I want to feel desirable to the opposite sex and i work hard to maintain that desirability. I am not the one who has given up on a basic human need and emotion.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You cannot betray your marriage and uphold it at the same time, you CAN blame the man in the moon if you chose but it doesn't change that you are taking the cowards way out.

 

Leaving will hurt you wife and an affair will destroy her ( for some time at least). You are in no way respecting her. I guess you'll look at her blame her when the cat is out of the bag. Meanwhile another woman will be hurting as well. The only person you are considering is yourself. I can promise in 20 years that your advice to your son won't be "have an affair".

 

I agree that everyone deserves to be happy, I DO NOT believe that someone who is using other people for his happiness deserves to HURT others because he is too cowardly to stand up for what he believes.

 

Do a search for notsure7 threads. He seemed very much in your boat. His thread goes from ready to leave for the OW to discovery.

 

And you don't care what your sons will think. Sounds like the talk of someone who is using, which is an early similar physiological response as someone who is limmerant. Been there for them for years, provided for everyone, now time for ME. God I wish there were a drug for midlife men! Let your wife go, THEN you get to be "happy" without hurting anyone!

[jnj express]

With your attitude---just go get yourself a Divorce

 

For your wife's sake since she is innocent, and would be hurt even more---do not tell her, you have cheated on her---she will be hurt enuff as it is---and hopefully she will get her fair share and more in the division of assets

 

You may not be a bad person, but at this point you are acting like a real jerk, in re:your innocent wife, and kids--- --- , I think you are demonizing her, and them, to justify your affair

 

What do you have waiting for you, when you leave your wife, and hook-up with your so called soulmate----the following stat.---97%, of hook-ups by partners who cheated on their spouses FAIL----

[Woman In Blue]

1. I did not fall in love after two days of "mind blowing sex". This affair has been going on daily through texts, FB and phone calls for seven months. The days of fantastic sex were just a culmination of many feelings. The sex just kind of crystalized things.

Oh come on. In your prior posts you've said over and over that you had no feelings for this woman, you could have called it quits at any time, and back in February she was in love with you and you STILL weren't in love with her. Then in March, you get together for a couple of days which included 'mindblowing' sex, and the next thing you know, you're in love.

 

Jesus, call a spade a spade.

 

And silly communication between two supposed adults over freaking Facebook and the phone and chat programs is so stereotypical it isn't even funny.

 

You know what? I don't blame you for feeling deprived because your wife has chosen to make your marriage sexless. You don't deserve that and you shouldn't just shut that side of yourself down because she's shut down.

 

Leave because of that, not because of some Facebook buddy you've been having 'mindblowing' sex with. Like most men, you're too damned chicken to get out and be on your own because you need a woman to do everything for you, including blowing your nose. And that's the biggest reason you're getting this woman all lined up - so you have someone to run to when you leave the wife. Pathetic.

Edited May 16, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[nooneyouknow]

I suspected that I would be flamed and/or called names by women who have been hurt. But I do honestly thank each of you for the helpful wisdom contained in your responses.

 

I just want to be happy for my last 20-25 years or so. So does my GF. I did not run out on my kids when I was 35 and they were 5 or 10, get a tattoo, a Harley and a 25 y.o. GF. This woman is my age, and my work as far as raising my kids is 85-90% done. I know we are never really "done" as parents.

 

I did not ask for this situation. I fell in love with someone who is devoted to me, and is much more compatible with me in many ways than my wife.

 

Thanks again!

[theobserver]

OP, I've given a lot of advice in this forum. I dislike cheating it ruins the soul of the betrayed but it makes it stronger too. It's sad we live in a world where people simply can't admit how they really feel, we're pressured to do the right thing and not say anything mean, we're told to endure certain hardships.

 

Certain medical conditions can really affect a person deeply I feel for your wife but I also understand the frustration. What I would of told you early on was to make things clear to your wife you were unhappy and give her a chance to have her say and see if you would of both worked to improve increasing sex and general intamacy. Staying in a relationship for just the kids is noble.. we're taught it's the right thing but it ruins our lives and then the children are confused why after they hit 18 or finished college that mum and dad divorced quicker then a lightning flash. The children will understand now or in time, this is the point you need to man up, be prepared for some verbal abuse and maybe some shunning too but if you keep your heart open and don't blame anyone for your mistakes maybe you'll earn some respect back.

 

 

Here is what I would do if I was you. I would Straight up, go to my wife and say you need a serious talk in private, you explain you are going to be seeking a divorce, you've met and have been seeing someone else for the last few months explain why in the most basic terms you have betrayed her but you can't go on living a lie and you plan to be with this other woman. Let her get the anger out etc etc. You make sure you leave her the home she deserves it and any expenditures she needs. She deserves it and needs it as do the children I'm sure you'd agree. You want a new life it means walking.

 

Tell your wife you will be telling the children the same or next day when appropriate, they'll surely have their opinion but that's that the longer you leave this the worse it will get. You will be the bad guy for a long time if not forever but at least you would of manned up you'd set an example I would also probably give a speech to the children that when they are in a relationship in the future they need to be responsible and don't live unhappy and resort to underhanded tactics like you did. You need them to learn positively from your mistakes.

 

I can't speak on how your wife will handle it, will she try to kill you? ruin you ? I don't know but this needs to be done NOW. If you can move in with the new woman or get an apartment to rent plan that now.

 

what's done is done so MAN UP or just don't even bother asking for advice and keep living like a coward. As silly as this sounds a couple of months of betrayal is somewhat easier to swallow then it turning into YEARS. It still hurts like a mother though.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

People agree that you should be happy. Leave your wife today and run to your new soulmate. It's lying to and and betraying someone who has given you 20 years of their life that most people find despicable. Taking responsibility means manning up and making a decision. Other people's lives are involved, it doesn't only affect you. If you can't bring yourself to make the decision the let your wife make it for you.

[nooneyouknow]

I thank you again, those of you who have responded.

 

It gets a little more complicated.

 

My wife has now been much more receptive to sex since i blasted her verbally a week or two ago and told her to "Just let me go", after I was rebuffed once again. I think she realizes the marriage is in danger. I do want to give her a chance and she deserves a chance. We deserve a chance to make this right.

 

I have a question about hormone replacement therapy (HRT). My wife refused it after her hysterectomy because of a fear of breast cancer. My GF, who has not had a hysterectomy, gets HRT. The GF said that she was feeling tired and run down, she saw a friend of hers whom she had not seen in years, and this friend looked marvelous, better skin, much happier, younger, more alive, etc. etc. This friend told her that she was receiving HRT. The GF then started this therapy, before I met her. This was maybe 1-2 years ago.

 

OK......so now the GF seems to me to be very jacked up on hormones. She is monitored by a gynecologist who specializes in HRT, and she says her levels are "normal". But to me, she has the sex drive of a teenager. She claims, and I believe her, that she masturbates 2-3 times a day to thoughts of us together. She is damn near insatiable in bed, and I am not a "once and roll over to sleep" kind of guy with her. I have no problems with our long sessions, but I am physically exhausted and need to sleep after 2 hours of activity. I am not bragging, and please-no jokes about "what a problem to have". I just wondered, since I don't discuss sex drives with many 50 year old women, does this sound normal?

 

Also, my wife is a very stable person-minimal drama. I have always liked this about her. My GF is the opposite-high maintenance as far as being needy, clingy and emotional. There is also a good amount of jealousy there, though I chalk this up to the GF and I living thousands of miles apart and seeing each other only bimonthly or so. So much of our relationship takes place on this social networking site, where she can see my friends and who posts on my wall and who comments. I am not involved with anyone else, but people do comment and I am seen as a funny guy who flirts.

 

Comments? Does this relationship with the GF seemed doomed from the start because of her emotional issues with jealousy and neediness? She tells me 'It is hard to trust a cheater", and we were both cheating when we met. This is her explanation for why we feel this jealousy in regards to each other. I honestly feel it is more due to the distance and not seeing each other regularly. She says she loves no one but me, and I don't really have any reason to doubt her. But her husband has just moved out, and she has this enormous sex drive and this feeling that she must have a "man of her own" and a "man in her bed". She is pretty much living alone now, although she has a teenage son there and an adult daughter with grandkids that visits almost daily.

 

She is waiting for me to make the move as far as ending my marriage, but I keep going back and forth between breaking up my home life, and wanting this companion who has more in common with me than my wife as far as religious beliefs, political beliefs, sense of humor, and also treats me extremely well both in and out of bed. I just communicate much better, on all levels, with the GF.

[JohnnyCage]

You are pathetic to be honest. You say you don't want to hurt your wife when you already did when you went out and had a fling with another woman whom I should say is also pathetic just like you. Your wife doesn't want to go through the hormone therapy because she has a family history of breast cancer and if you were a man halfway decent you would support her in this and if it was me I would actually stop my wife from ever thinking about having it if she wanted to have it for me.

 

But you have to put sex and pleasure before your wife's cancer and which is why you cheated. Sorry but I don't have any regard or respect for a cheating scumbag.

Edited May 20, 2011 by JohnnyCage

[stace79]

Hey genious - Instead of being a liar and a cheater, did you ever consider TALKING to your wife and mother of your children, whom you supposedly respect so much? Did you ever tell her you are struggling because of the lack of intimacy??? Or did you just decide "Oh well, I'm going to go screw someone else."

 

You need to confess to your wife, and let her decide what to do with you. If you stay with your wife, you absolutely must cut any and all contact to your mistress completely and PERMANENTLY.

 

I cannot believe how people try to justify their cheating and lying. YOU did this. It was not because of your wife's lack of sexual desire. YOU could have chosen to talk to your wife. You could have chosen to go to counseling or work on your marriage. YOU could have chosen to just divorce her prior to sleeping around.

 

This is disgusting.

[Silivren]

I just have to ask is this for real? This looks a lot like the thread of a cheater that was actually a sociology experiment that was posted earlier in May on infidelity.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So, the crazy girl friend is waiting around for you to leave your marriage while you are brow beating you wife to have sex with you. Your wife submits to it to work on the marriage and fulfill your need while you hem and haw around trying to decide what will ensure your happily ever after. If she only knew that there was no chance of improving a marriage when one person is limmerent over an affair partner.

 

What's it going to take for you to make a decision? How long will you string both women along? How many people need to be hurt in order for you to persue happiness? So you give her a "chance" to work on your marriage while you fall in love with someone else. And you think you and your girlfriend have trust issues! I don't think you are going to find happiness at all. Something is missing within you that all the love and sex in the world can't fix.

[2sure]

Your OW felt she had to tell her husband because her daughter had already found out, damage has been done, she doesnt love her husband, and could no longer carry on without you.

 

Why not do exactly as she has? What on earth is keeping you from mustering up some integrity for both your wife and the OW?

 

It is quite possible, believe it or not, that your wife would be better off without you.

[nooneyouknow]

@Johnny, sorry but you can't compare yourself to me. You are in jail. And I never said my wife had cancer. Perhaps it is the cancer in your brain that has confused you, or the cancer that has caused you to lose your cojones. As troubled as I may seem, you seem much more bitter. You should really try to find someone who loves you, or at least go lay some pipe.

 

@Stace, hey geniousette, I've been talking to my wife for close to a decade. Your condemnation is disgusting to me. I refuse to abide by any arbitrary rules that were apparently decided upon by you, your society, or your church. I am am free man, and I will live the way i want, thank you.

 

To everyone else, thank you once again! But what you fail to see is that my wife does not want change, does not want me gone, and would forgive infidelity. My wife is very happy to have a man around, to do all the things men do as far as the house, the cars, the investments, the kids, etc. etc. To end our marriage would HURT her, even though I fully admit she might be better off w/o me, she would never see it that way.

[Silivren]

...and you ignored my question... well good luck finding the advice you need ...seems to me like you are just analyzing everyone.

[nooneyouknow]

It was for my thesis.

 

Sorry!

[woinlove]

thesis in what?

Edited May 21, 2011 by woinlove

[mached]

You are a loser!

[nooneyouknow]

@ Johnny-I am sorry that you are so bitter. I don't know what it is that is causing you this bitterness. I wonder if your name refers to incarceration.

I did support my wife's decision for close to a decade now. But as the GF puts it, "So many things can give you cancer. I'd rather worry about cancer down the road than live a life for the next 20-30 years in which so much of my life is missing".

I suspect you can relate to this. I feel sorry for you.