What do you think?

[nooneyouknow]

Your OW felt she had to tell her husband because her daughter had already found out, damage has been done, she doesnt love her husband, and could no longer carry on without you.

 

Why not do exactly as she has? What on earth is keeping you from mustering up some integrity for both your wife and the OW?

 

It is quite possible, believe it or not, that your wife would be better off without you.

 

My GFs choice to leave her husband had much to do with her not liking her husband as it had to do with me. She had many issues with him being remote, dismissive of her, lacking any desire to do things in life. My situation at home is nowhere near as bad as hers was.

[nooneyouknow]

You are a loser!

 

Do you think that your opinion and/or snide comment matters to me somehow?

 

You are obviously incapable of sympathy and would rather just take anonymous pot shots at people.

 

I also suspect jealousy. Why lash out at me? Is it because I have what so many men/people want in life, a stable home life with a good spouse, and a lover that adores me and is uninhibited?

 

Some people might call that "winning", LOL. But obviously I do not always see it that way.

[nooneyouknow]

So, the crazy girl friend is waiting around for you to leave your marriage while you are brow beating you wife to have sex with you. Your wife submits to it to work on the marriage and fulfill your need while you hem and haw around trying to decide what will ensure your happily ever after. If she only knew that there was no chance of improving a marriage when one person is limmerent over an affair partner.

 

What's it going to take for you to make a decision? How long will you string both women along? How many people need to be hurt in order for you to persue happiness? So you give her a "chance" to work on your marriage while you fall in love with someone else. And you think you and your girlfriend have trust issues! I don't think you are going to find happiness at all. Something is missing within you that all the love and sex in the world can't fix.

 

Thanks. You do seem to be one of the people here who actually cares to offer some advice.

 

I do not "browbeat" my wife to have sex. I would like us to have sex more often, but that is not just about me. She does enjoy sex once she gets started. It is more about our relationship and intimacy.

 

I still haven't looked up "limmerant" yet, but I mean too. And there is every chance for my wife/us to save our marriage and/or have a better marriage.

It would be much easier for me to cut ties with the GF. Not easy, but easier.

 

I don't know why you feel that a person torn between two relationships, seeking advice, and trying to work through a major decision has "something wrong with them that all the love and sex in the world can't fix".

 

Again, I believe it is the anonymity of the internet that causes people to be nasty, just as they are when they can post anonymously about Obama or Bush or so many other things.

 

I really suspect that of you were discussing this issue with a friend, you would show compassion. Maybe I am naive that way, but I find it hard to believe that so many of you are so cold and dismissive.

[nooneyouknow]

Hey genious - Instead of being a liar and a cheater, did you ever consider TALKING to your wife and mother of your children, whom you supposedly respect so much? Did you ever tell her you are struggling because of the lack of intimacy??? Or did you just decide "Oh well, I'm going to go screw someone else."

 

You need to confess to your wife, and let her decide what to do with you. If you stay with your wife, you absolutely must cut any and all contact to your mistress completely and PERMANENTLY.

 

I cannot believe how people try to justify their cheating and lying. YOU did this. It was not because of your wife's lack of sexual desire. YOU could have chosen to talk to your wife. You could have chosen to go to counseling or work on your marriage. YOU could have chosen to just divorce her prior to sleeping around.

 

This is disgusting.

 

I don't know if you saw my other post, but I have been talking to my wife about this for quite a while, at least a few years.

 

To confess to my wife would hurt her tremendously. She suspects, but like many people, does not want to "know".

 

On the contrary, it has a lot to do with my wife's lack of sexual desire. Do you really think people who have an active sex life with their partner are inclined to get involved with someone else? Possibly, but probably not.

 

I doubt if either my wife or I want to spend our time and money going to discuss personal issues with a stranger.

 

Why would a basic human desire/behavior and/or difficult relationship issues "disgust" you. This type of love triangle thing has been going on since the beginning of time, I am willing to bet. And it will continue as long as there are men and women.

[nooneyouknow]

thesis in what?

 

OK, once and for all:

 

There is no thesis.

 

I have never posted on this board or anywhere else before.

 

This is not a joke.

 

I am surprised that so many people would think a relationship problem that is probably very common is either a joke, a test, a school project, or anything like that.

 

I honestly thought that this was some type of BB for advice issues. I thought that this would be a likely topic for this type of board. I thought that there were people here who had gone through similar situations and could offer some insight. That is all there is to this.

[nooneyouknow]

...and you ignored my question... well good luck finding the advice you need ...seems to me like you are just analyzing everyone.

 

I do have to admit that I have found this whole BB experience to be very eye opening.

 

There is much less in terms of practical advice/support than I expected, and much, much more in people venting at me.

 

I guess many people on here are troubled by past infidelities/marital issues. I guess many people on here have been hurt.

 

It is just amazing to me that this posting here has almost become like holding up a mirror to so many people, so to speak. People reply to and read into my comments things they want to see. They do not see me as a person with a problem looking for help/advice. This seems to be an opportunity for so many to vent and lash out. Again, it just surprises/amazes me.

[Iwanttobehappy]

Maybe I am being selfish, but I thinkyou need to be happy because if you are not, you will start resenting people around you for having kept you in a relationship or in a lifestyle that truly makes you miserable. You are doing dis-service to yourself and your wife, who has every right to know whats going on and be able to choose how she wants to continue her life. Besides, if you do stay with her, won't the guilt eat you up inside?

 

What I will critize you about if the fact that you have continued to go behind your wifes back NUMEROUS times. You should have figured out that this is what you wanted after the first time and then made your decisions. I know, easier said than done with a committed marriage and children, but still!

 

I just recenly cheated on my boyfriend (for the first time) and I am using this time to figure out if deep down, he is truly who I want to be with or not. I never want this to happen again and Im thinking, it happened for a reason, something inside of me is not right and I need to fix it.

 

You cheated on your wife because something inside of you is not right, you needed to breakfree from something that was holding you down. My suggestion, ... you seem to truly love this other woman. Then do your wife a favour, leave her the life that she deserves to have.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

You say you know your wife would be hurt, yet you are choosing it anyway. You're placing your happiness over both women that you claim to love.

 

You are right, by the advice given you could easily tell which people have been hurt by someone who lied and manipulated for their own gain. I guess you can add your wife and OW to the fold of people who are lied at and manipulated to and carry the scars to prove it, (by your own hand). What people here know, despite which side of the of the triangle they are on, is the pain and devastation involved. Many women find sex without emotional intimacy empty and unfulfilling, perhaps THAT has been your wife's problem.

 

So the question is, what's it going to take for you to make a choice? How long do you play both women before you choose what's right for YOU? And what kind of advice were you expecting, there are sites that tell you how to get away with cheating, if that's what you need.

 

Let me ask you this.... Do you believe that there can be love in the absence of trust and respect?

[nooneyouknow]

Let me ask you this.... Do you believe that there can be love in the absence of trust and respect?

Yesterday 9:23 AM

 

Oh, good question!

 

Respect for my spouse I have. That is why I am still here. I know many people here seem to see it differently, as in I disrespected my spouse by having this affair. But I see it as preferable to REALLY upsetting her by requesting a divorce.

 

The trust issue is much more complicated, and I have not been trustworthy.

 

As far as what is keeping me here, and why I can't make a decision. The truth is, I have often been an indecisive person. I like my life at home, for the most part. I cherish my kids, and even though they are away at school most of the time, this is the house they come home to. This is home for the four of us. My kids and home life are the primary reasons I have stayed.

 

The other reason, just as important, is as I said, I do respect my wife. Like most couples who have been together long term, we have been through a lot raising kids, health care issues, issues with each of our parents, etc. etc. I know that again, many people here see it differently, but I think I know my wife better than the other posters. An occasional infidelity she could forgive, especially if it was just sex, a long term emotional affair she would not be happy about, but could possible live with. A divorce would shatter her world.

 

As far as the GF, I go back and forth in my feelings every day. I usually wake up with a clear head and the idea that I need to either end this relationship, or at least try to lower her expectations to a friends or friends with benefits type relationship. Then, by the afternoon, I miss her. By nighttime, I am missing her greatly and wish there is some way we could be together forever. She understands my situation as far as having a long term spouse, two kids, a house, a mortgage, retirement plans, finances, etc. etc. She is not pushing for more just yet, but she does want us to be together as a couple in the (near?) future.

 

I am extremely conflicted, to say the least. I like my "life" here at home. I am complacent in that aspect. It also seems that, against my better judgement and wishes, I have fallen in love with my GF. In so many ways, her concerns, her advice, the intertwining of our kids and lives through conversations, her caring for me, she treats me much better than my wife, who seems to be in a routine taking me for granted.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So what about trust and respect from your wife's point of view. Do you believe she can have romantic love for someone she does not trust or respect? You say that she suspects but does not know, that can cause a boat load of stress and anxiety which can lead to health and emotional issues. Are you willing to allow that in order for you to keep both an ow and a spouse during your time of indecision?

 

If you are so confident that she can so easily overlook occasional infidelities, why not bring it up to her?

[nooneyouknow]

My wife is not the type that wants anything brought to her attention. I think she has a very realistic (old fashioned?) view that men may sometimes cheat, because that is what men do.

 

Being able to overlook something is not the same as wanting it thrown in your face.

 

I am trying to work on our relationship here, which is pretty good already in a day to day sense. I am giving my wife a chance to get things back on track emotionally for us, as far as intimacy.

 

I realize that sounds ridiculous, I mean having a GF and all. But the GF is far away and we are not together frequently.

 

I am stuck. Stuck in a place I don't want to be. Living a life/lie that I don't want to live.

 

I find myself saying "if my kids were grown, really out of the house, self-supporting adults". But then, fifteen years ago, when I realized how much a person gives up in a marriage, I was saying "when the kids are grown, teenagers, off to college......"

[ludachris]

k well im 21 and not married so there is not much that i could do to help you with this. The fact is though that you cheated and you are being really sneaky with your wife who you say you respect a lot. Personally i wouldnt do things like that to someone i respected so much but i guess everyones different. Also while you are still trying to figure things out and fix things with your wife..you are trying to figure things out and get things to work with your gf. If you end up staying with your wife you were just stringing along with your gf the whole time.

 

You got yourself in a big mess here man just because you were horny. I know how you feel in a way though because that passion is important in a relationship for me as well because with me and my ex i wanted sex all the time and sometimes i would go for a while not getting sex and it would really upset me. Its hard for us men we want sex all the time....but you married her and said you would be with her til death do part. You should have atleast had the decency to divorce her imo. I cant give u advice on what choice to make because that is a very difficult situation you are in.

 

But i believe you should hang out with your wife more and talk to your wife more and stop talking to the other girl for a while. that or just divorce your wife. If you are trying to fix things with your wife while still talking to the other gf its gonna be so much more difficult fixing things with your wife because your mind and attention is on the other woman as well.

 

Idk man like i said im younger and not close to getting married or having kids so idk what kinda advice to give. just trying to let you know how i see it. if i were youre kids and i found out you were cheating on my mom i would lose all my respect for you and no longer look at you as my father.

[nooneyouknow]

Ludachris,

 

You are pretty smart for 21!

 

Thank you!

[nooneyouknow]

The problem is that I love the attention from the GF so much.

 

Getting texts and emails from her, as well as talking to her at night on FB has become the high point of my day.

 

We have had a couple of arguments, and stopped communicating for a day or two here and there, and neither of us can really function w/o the other in his or her life.

 

I originally did not want this type of relationship with the GF at all. I would have been happy to be online friends, and maybe see each other from time to time. A friend with benefits would have been great.

 

But she fell in love first, then she told her husband she wanted to separate. Partially my fault, since she was in love with me. But mostly I think because she just did not like her H anymore. She felt he had no passion for anything, had given up on life, and he apparently was never any good at communicating with her.

 

Now I have fallen in love too.

 

I have tried to scale back the relationship with the GF, but it is either/or for her. There is no being "friends", there is no in between. She wants a man in her life, and she prefers that man be me.

 

It seems to me like interesting twist to the old adage (?) "Men use love to get sex, while women use sex to get love". I cannot bear now to have her out of my life, to not communicate with her. And she has always said that she cannot be "just friends", either with benefits or otherwise. In that sense, she pushed this relationship on me. I do not mean to make myself sound like a victim here. It takes two to tango, as they say. Just pointing this out. She pushed the relationship to where it is today.

[stace79]

You made this bed; now sleep in it. You MUST choose. You CANNOT have both. Man up.

[nooneyouknow]

Still here, or back I should say.

Still on the fence, though I did tell me wife I want to end our marriage. She is very sad, and in denial. She seems intent on wanting to "fix" things, and does not acknowledge that I simply want out.

[Radu]

OP, what would have happened if 1 yr ago you would have come to your wife and said something along the lines "honey, i love you but our sex is in shambles; we either find a fix between ourselves, or we change this relationship to open marriage ... i can't take this anymore" ? Just a thought. PS: OP, i think what got you into this is your mentality of 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her' ... well, i guess your OW's daughter showed you differently, didn't she ?

[nooneyouknow]

Radu, If I had done that, my wife would have picked up the sexual activity in our relationship, as she has tried to do six months ago when I told her I was unhappy, and again very recently when I told her I wanted out. I cannot see her ever agreeing to an open marriage, I wouldn't even suggest it. The whole idea would be so strange an foreign to her.

As far as "what she doesn't know won't hurt her"-that is HER attitude. She does not snoop around, look into things, or ask too many questions. I can't explain that, it's just how she is.

I forgot what I posted about my GF's daughter, but she is a head case herself. Years in therapy and her own marriage failing.

[nofool4u]

She told her husband that she wanted a separation. He told her that they should divorce.

 

Smart man. He will do well without her.

 

 

She suggested they go counseling, even though she really did not even like him anymore, let alone love him.

 

Methinks she is lying. If she doesn't like him, let along love him, then why bother?

 

 

He rejected the offer of counseling.

 

Again, smart man.

 

 

In March she was up in NY again, we spent two nights together and the sex was mindblowing. I guess we were both relaxed with each other at this point, and we really connected. I guess it was at this point that I realized how compatible we were also, and I fell in love too.

Now her husband has moved out of their house, we are in love, and I am deeply torn as to how I should proceed.

 

Easy, you set your wife free from you.

 

 

We recently spent another couple of days together at a hotel at the beach, took a long car trip together, and we talk for hours online almost every night.

I do feel that she could be my "soulmate". I have much more in common with her than I do with my wife. The sex is fantastic and she treats me as a god and worships me.

The problem is that I am reluctant to unwind 20+ years of marriage, break my wife's heart, upset my kids, etc. etc.

 

Sorry to say, but thats just too bad. Staying with your wife out of fear of hurting her or your kids, and continuing to cheat is worse. Your wife deserves a chance at a decent life. And she can't have that with a cheating husband.

As far as upsetting your kids, you should have thought about that before cheating.

 

 

My wife is a good person, and contrary to what you might be thinking, I respect her highly.

 

Yes, that is contrary to what most of us will think. Sorry, but I could never say I respect someone, then betray them in one of the worst ways possible.

 

So man up, hold true to your words. If you do respect her highly, then come clean and give her the information she deserves to have about what kind of man she is married to, and give her the choice of how her life turns out.

 

 

She is a good wife and a great mother. But we have lost all passion from our relationship. If I attempt to create a lovemaking situation I am almost always rebuffed. She refused the hormone therapy after her hysterectomy out of fear of contracting breast cancer, which runs in her family. It is like living with my sister or a roommate. We are friends, but we have lost so much in terms not just of sex but of the intimacy that goes with sex.

So, now I have a wife/partner/friend that I feel no passion for and can't see spending the next 20 years with and feeling unfulfilled and unwanted as a man.

 

Here is the problem, looks like the passion dropped off because of something that she didn't ask for and is through no fault of her own. It isn't about being "unwanted", its about her medical condition.

 

Boy, I only hope if I find someone later on in life that she isn't like this and I don't end up in a car wreck or something that inhibits my ability to perform.

 

 

And I have a GF who worships and adores me, and who I feel a great connection with, but who is now separated and wants me to be with her eventually in a permanent, long term relationship.

 

So again, set your wife free from you so she can move on, your kids will get over it eventually.

 

 

I guess many people have gotten themselves into this situation, and I accept my responsibility for letting this new relationship start and become so involved. I am just looking for advice in regards to the maintaining the status quo and the stability of my family and not hurting my wife's feelings vs. wanting to spend my last couple of decades with someone who it just "feels so right" with and who wants to be with me on so many levels.

 

Your wife deserves better, set her free. IMO, thats the answer unless you come clean to your wife and she doesn't care what you do and wants to keep the marriage anyway.

[nofool4u]

LOL...you sound like every other married man getting some on the side - could this story BE any more stereotypical?

 

Let's see....

 

"The sex is off the charts...." Check

"She makes me feel like a God.." Check

"We're soulmates...." Check.

 

So, only AFTER the 2 days of "mindblowing sex" you suddenly discovered that you're in love?

 

Sounds as though you're in lust.

 

And whats not being factored into all this is the 7 year itch.

[nofool4u]

2. My kids are now young men. I do not expect them to understand, and frankly, I don't give a damn. I have been there for them every day of their lives. I have stayed married for their sake. I think everyone deserves to be happy. Let them judge me after they are married for 20+ years and are (I hope not) unfulfilled, and undesired.

 

You don't give a damn how your kids will feel? Wow.

 

That settles it then. Its clear you only care about yourself. Therefore, again, this should be easy. Divorce your wife and go get that mindblowing sex. Good luck.

 

And if you believe that everyone deserves to be happy, then give your wife that same courtesy of finding someone for her.

 

 

3. An argument can be made that my wife has given up on our marriage several years ago.

 

How? By living with conditions that aren't her fault? She had to get a hysterectomy and you say breast cancer runs in the family.

 

I can see that an argument could be made if she gave up on the marriage years ago if she just decided that she doesn't want to put out on demand. But sounds like she has some medical issues. Therefore, she didn't give up, she has problems. And since you won't stand beside her, then set her free.

 

 

She seems to want me around because she likes having me around. She does not like change. We are friends/partners. I never said that I did not want to sleep with my wife. I do try a few times a month to arouse her, but I am almost always rebuffed. I honestly believe that this is 100% hormonal/medical with her.

 

Boom! There you have it. You say in one breath that you could argue that she gave up on the marriage, then say its hormonal/medical.

 

So the last bolded part refutes any argument that she gave up on the marriage. Thats just a talking point by you to try and justify what you are doing.

 

I suspected that I would be flamed and/or called names by women who have been hurt.

 

It isn't just women. I'm a man, and although I won't call you any names, I agree with the ladies sentiments here.

Edited May 4, 2012 by nofool4u

[nofool4u]

Still here, or back I should say.

Still on the fence, though I did tell me wife I want to end our marriage. She is very sad, and in denial. She seems intent on wanting to "fix" things, and does not acknowledge that I simply want out.

 

Ya, but did you tell her WHY you want to end the marriage?

 

Thats more than likely why she wants to "fix" things, although the only way that will happen is if she just gives you sex when you want it since she has conditions that reduced her libido.

 

But if she knew you were cheating on her, she just might change her tune and give you the bird and pack your bags for you. Maybe, maybe not, but she wants to work on the marriage not knowing what you are doing.

[nooneyouknow]

You don't give a damn how your kids will feel? Wow.

 

That settles it then. Its clear you only care about yourself. Therefore, again, this should be easy. Divorce your wife and go get that mindblowing sex. Good luck.

 

And if you believe that everyone deserves to be happy, then give your wife that same courtesy of finding someone for her.

 

 

 

 

How? By living with conditions that aren't her fault? She had to get a hysterectomy and you say breast cancer runs in the family.

 

I can see that an argument could be made if she gave up on the marriage years ago if she just decided that she doesn't want to put out on demand. But sounds like she has some medical issues. Therefore, she didn't give up, she has problems. And since you won't stand beside her, then set her free.

 

 

 

 

Boom! There you have it. You say in one breath that you could argue that she gave up on the marriage, then say its hormonal/medical.

 

So the last bolded part refutes any argument that she gave up on the marriage. Thats just a talking point by you to try and justify what you are doing.

 

 

 

It isn't just women. I'm a man, and although I won't call you any names, I agree with the ladies sentiments here.

 

It is not 100% hormonal/medical. I was wrong. Supposedly having a hysterectomy doesn't affect sex drive all that much. It is much more than that, much deeper.

[nooneyouknow]

.....just playing devil's advocate here. But if so many have said "Oh, you're poor wife, it's a medical issue", then why is it wrong for a partner to seek sex outside the marriage?

 

Is it not better to keep a marriage intact if it is worth "saving", by whatever means necessary, as opposed to just ending it over sex?

[Radu]

Personally i have no problem with seeking sex outside of marriage, with these conditions.

 

The problem is with the way you did it.

I was not joking when i hinted at talk about open relationship.

She cut her sex drive, it's not there.

But yours is still there, and you are both at fault here for not discussing about it, about finding options and alternatives.

 

Cheating is not just about the sex, it's about backstabbing your SO and lying to the face of the one person who [theoretically] has your back.