What do you think?

[nooneyouknow]

Personally i have no problem with seeking sex outside of marriage, with these conditions.

 

The problem is with the way you did it.

I was not joking when i hinted at talk about open relationship.

She cut her sex drive, it's not there.

But yours is still there, and you are both at fault here for not discussing about it, about finding options and alternatives.

 

Cheating is not just about the sex, it's about backstabbing your SO and lying to the face of the one person who [theoretically] has your back.

 

I appreciate your point of view, but two problems:

 

1. The lack of intimacy is not all my wife's fault. I am seeing that more and more, it is 50-50. I am just not turned on by her. My ex OW spoiled me that way.

 

2. I could never do an open marriage. It makes no sense to me. My wife is very conservative, and I doubt she would find this a good option either.

[nofool4u]

It is not 100% hormonal/medical. I was wrong. Supposedly having a hysterectomy doesn't affect sex drive all that much.

 

Sorry, the facts don't bear that out in your denial.

 

I'm sure you want to believe a hysterectomy doesn't pretty much kill a woman's sex drive, but it does, if not reduces libido greatly. Don't believe me? Ask a doctor. Or better yet, women who have had hysterectomies.

 

Good news is, there is help for this. Just too bad your wife doesn't have a man that cares enough to help and would rather just stick it in other women.

[nofool4u]

I appreciate your point of view, but two problems:

 

1. The lack of intimacy is not all my wife's fault. I am seeing that more and more, it is 50-50. I am just not turned on by her. My ex OW spoiled me that way.

 

So why don't you file for divorce so your wife can be free?

[nooneyouknow]

You really mean that it's ok for YOU to bang your 'soul mate' but not ok for the wife to have fun with someone she finds sexually attractive. And that's what it really boils down to.

 

Typical double standard.

 

So now your 'soul mate' is your ex? A mere 9 months ago, you said you wanted to spend the next 20 years or so with her, and you didn't give a damn whether your grown sons liked it or not.

 

It's quite amusing when married men make these ridiculous claims and then when reality sets in, it isn't quite the 'love story' they claimed it to be. No surprise there.

 

I don't think I said I didn't care what my sons thought. I think what I said was that they were young men, and I hoped they would understand.

 

In fact, I had dinner with the older one the other night, and told him I might be leaving and moving to Florida. I told him that his mom was a great person, but that I was not happy. I told him that I wanted the option of doing things like he does, going out with friends, going to bars, meeting people, and the freedom to come and go as I choose.

 

He was actually quite supportive. He said "Do what you have to do to be happy".

 

Made me proud to see I had raised a good kid who was perceptive enough to understand, and sympathetic enough to relate.

[nooneyouknow]

Sorry, the facts don't bear that out in your denial.

 

I'm sure you want to believe a hysterectomy doesn't pretty much kill a woman's sex drive, but it does, if not reduces libido greatly. Don't believe me? Ask a doctor. Or better yet, women who have had hysterectomies.

 

Good news is, there is help for this. Just too bad your wife doesn't have a man that cares enough to help and would rather just stick it in other women.

 

I believe you are wrong. I believe it affects more lubrication than actual sex drive.

 

In any case, my wife and I had a dwindling sex life since 1992. Her hysterectomy was 2003.

[nooneyouknow]

So why don't you file for divorce so your wife can be free?

 

My wife has no interest in "being free". I'm not sure what you are missing, but I have now told her three times that I want to leave. Each time she gets teary eyed and says she loves me a lot. Then she goes to the gym a few times, and comes to bed earlier and gives me more affection and tenderness.

 

Does that sound like someone who wants to be "free". I wish she showed some desire to get rid of me. It would have made this all a lot easier.I could have been with the GF I love, instead of losing her because I did not leave my wife in time.

[nofool4u]

I believe you are wrong.

 

But of course you do:rolleyes:

[nofool4u]

My wife has no interest in "being free". I'm not sure what you are missing, but I have now told her three times that I want to leave. Each time she gets teary eyed and says she loves me a lot. Then she goes to the gym a few times, and comes to bed earlier and gives me more affection and tenderness.

 

Of course she has no interest in being free. Unless I missed it, she doesn't know you are boning another woman and are in love with the OW.

 

She hasn't been given all the facts. Trust me, if my x-wife would have said she is simply unhappy with the way things were at home, I'd be thinking just as your wife.

 

But throw infidelity into the mix and BOOM, I wanted nothing more than to divorce her.

 

So come clean with your wife about boning another woman and that you are in love with her, THEN tell us if being free isn't a thought in her mind. It may be, it may not be. But either way, you won't know unless you start being honest with her.

 

Does that sound like someone who wants to be "free".

 

Again, she doesn't know you are boning another woman and want to be with her.

 

 

I wish she showed some desire to get rid of me. It would have made this all a lot easier.

 

And thats really it isn't it. You don't want to be seen as the bad guy here. You want to put it on your wife. Be a man.

 

 

 

I could have been with the GF I love, instead of losing her because I did not leave my wife in time.

 

Too bad, you should have manned up and did the right thing by your wife and leave her. Ya, she doesn't know what she wants because she doesn't know the truth.

 

And waiting for your wife to be the one to leave the marriage so you can have your kids thinking its your wife that is the homewrecker is just plain despicable.

 

You are having an affair, want to leave for another woman, so be a man and do it.

[nooneyouknow]

Of course she has no interest in being free. Unless I missed it, she doesn't know you are boning another woman and are in love with the OW.

 

She hasn't been given all the facts. Trust me, if my x-wife would have said she is simply unhappy with the way things were at home, I'd be thinking just as your wife.

 

But throw infidelity into the mix and BOOM, I wanted nothing more than to divorce her.

 

So come clean with your wife about boning another woman and that you are in love with her, THEN tell us if being free isn't a thought in her mind. It may be, it may not be. But either way, you won't know unless you start being honest with her.

 

 

 

Again, she doesn't know you are boning another woman and want to be with her.

 

 

 

 

And thats really it isn't it. You don't want to be seen as the bad guy here. You want to put it on your wife. Be a man.

 

 

 

 

 

Too bad, you should have manned up and did the right thing by your wife and leave her. Ya, she doesn't know what she wants because she doesn't know the truth.

 

And waiting for your wife to be the one to leave the marriage so you can have your kids thinking its your wife that is the homewrecker is just plain despicable.

 

You are having an affair, want to leave for another woman, so be a man and do it.

 

 

First of all, I am not having an affair. I am not "boning" anyone. The affair ended close to three months ago, and I am not seeing or "boning" anyone else.

 

Second of all, this affair did not occur in a vacuum. The reason my wife does not know is because she does not want to know. She does not want to confront the facts. She does not want an argument/blow up, she does not want me to leave.

 

Any spouse, ANY spouse, who was slightest bit suspicious after their mate started going away for a few nights every month or two, and they could not reach them on the phone at night several times, and they were on the computer or texting all day-ANY spouse who wanted to know could either look at their phone, confront them, or at least bring up the subject.

 

My wife does not know because she does not want to know. I see now why my therapist advises against telling her.

 

Believe me,I would like nothing more at this point but to come clean. I would like to confess the affair and tell her that I am moving out, and the affair is over, and that none of this was her fault, but that I have no passionate love for her, and I am afraid a similar thing could happen again-affair, and then maybe lose the lover because I am married. Clearing my conscientious and helping my wife understand why I am leaving, would, I think, help me move on and feel better about myself as well as being the honorable thing to do.

 

But the therapist is right. My wife and I have each erected walls around us. Neither of us has done much over the years to strengthen the marriage, and she has allowed this or similar behavior to go on for quite some time. He has clearly stated twice that she is not emotionally involved that way, as far as wanting to discuss this, she just prefers to ignore it and live with it. And he advised again against talking to her about the affair.

[scatterd]

I just read your post it seems to me that you think your marriage has been over for a while. Any way you look at it the cheating is wrong. You are the big reason why your marriage came to this. Instead of confronting the problem you choose to sneak around with OW. You may not understand this but woman do not bond sexually from sex alone. We need to be stimulated through mind. That means talked to, emotionally bonding, hearing sweet words and so on it also takes longer for a woman to build up for sex. I had a hysterectomy also, and been married 20 years. I am high risk for cancer and doctors are afraid of giving me hormones also. It seems you have no compassion there for your wife. What if someday you end up not being able to have sex and your wife is unsatisfied would you want her to do what you have been doing? One thing I have learned through life experiences is no matter who you are with a person will have things that bother you, also that new feeling wears off. You have been with your wife for 20 yrs. that is a long time. Something had to keep you there. How do you know that you will last with OW any longer? You both are enjoying the newness and the excitement of cheating. If you end up with her, in time the sex will become the same as with your wife and she may have bigger things that bother you. You could end up in the same or worse situation then you are because you do not know how to communicate and fix your relationships. You should consider telling your wife and try to fix your marriage if you can. Life always has punches and people get sick everyday and some day it might be you. Do you want a loving wife that cares or wants only sex, if that happens? Marriage is about caring for a person and loving them for a life time. That cant be found every where but sex can be. Good Luck

[nooneyouknow]

I just read your post it seems to me that you think your marriage has been over for a while. Any way you look at it the cheating is wrong. You are the big reason why your marriage came to this. Instead of confronting the problem you choose to sneak around with OW. You may not understand this but woman do not bond sexually from sex alone. We need to be stimulated through mind. That means talked to, emotionally bonding, hearing sweet words and so on it also takes longer for a woman to build up for sex. I had a hysterectomy also, and been married 20 years. I am high risk for cancer and doctors are afraid of giving me hormones also. It seems you have no compassion there for your wife. What if someday you end up not being able to have sex and your wife is unsatisfied would you want her to do what you have been doing? One thing I have learned through life experiences is no matter who you are with a person will have things that bother you, also that new feeling wears off. You have been with your wife for 20 yrs. that is a long time. Something had to keep you there. How do you know that you will last with OW any longer? You both are enjoying the newness and the excitement of cheating. If you end up with her, in time the sex will become the same as with your wife and she may have bigger things that bother you. You could end up in the same or worse situation then you are because you do not know how to communicate and fix your relationships. You should consider telling your wife and try to fix your marriage if you can. Life always has punches and people get sick everyday and some day it might be you. Do you want a loving wife that cares or wants only sex, if that happens? Marriage is about caring for a person and loving them for a life time. That cant be found every where but sex can be. Good Luck

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am sorry about your health situation. But first of all, you seem to have missed something-there is no other woman, and there has not been for almost three months now.

 

Secondly, I am with my wife 32 years, married 25.

 

Third, yes, I am mostly responsible for allowing the affair to happen.

 

Fourth, you may think marriage is great, and it is an institution for a lifetime, and people should stick it out no matter what so when they get sick or are dying they have a spouse. Personally, I don't think that's a good reason to stay married. I think i prefer to live a life with some passion and vibrancy, and I'll worry about death when it comes. My wife will ALWAYS be in my life somehow. I feel we are bonded for life, and if she were dying, I would be there for her. That does not mean that I have to be bored, unfulfilled and miserable for the next 20-25 years and stay with a person I have little in common with and a person who seems afraid to live and enjoy life.

 

I stayed for my kids, and now they are grown.

[nofool4u]

First of all, I am not having an affair. I am not "boning" anyone. The affair ended close to three months ago, and I am not seeing or "boning" anyone else.

 

But you WERE boning another woman.

 

And that doesn't change the FACT that your wife doesn't have all the FACTS to know what she would want.

 

 

Second of all, this affair did not occur in a vacuum. The reason my wife does not know is because she does not want to know. She does not want to confront the facts. She does not want an argument/blow up, she does not want me to leave.

 

Again, because she doesn't have all the FACTS. Did she tell you, "if you ever cheat on me, I don't want to know, just do what you do and don't ever tell me?"

 

 

Any spouse, ANY spouse, who was slightest bit suspicious after their mate started going away for a few nights every month or two, and they could not reach them on the phone at night several times, and they were on the computer or texting all day-ANY spouse who wanted to know could either look at their phone, confront them, or at least bring up the subject.

 

Sorry, it just aint so. Thats just you guessing so you don't have to man up and be honest.

 

 

My wife does not know because she does not want to know. I see now why my therapist advises against telling her.

Believe me,I would like nothing more at this point but to come clean.

 

No you wouldn't.

 

Again, you are wanting HER to end up leaving you so YOU don't look like the bad guy. Thats what this is about.

 

 

I would like to confess the affair and tell her that I am moving out, and the affair is over, and that none of this was her fault, but that I have no passionate love for her, and I am afraid a similar thing could happen again-affair, and then maybe lose the lover because I am married.

 

So do it. The whole idea that you don't want to tell her because she doesn't want to know is a load of bunk. You don't want to tell her so you don't become the bad guy. You said this yourself by saying you want her to be the one to leave.....without having the facts.

 

 

Clearing my conscientious and helping my wife understand why I am leaving, would, I think, help me move on and feel better about myself as well as being the honorable thing to do.

 

So do it.

 

 

But the therapist is right.

 

 

Any therapist that thinks being dishonest and lying are "right", is a quack.

 

Have you told your therapist that you want HER to be the one to leave so you can save face?

[nofool4u]

I stayed for my kids, and now they are grown.

 

And now you can leave.