Coping after an Abusive Friendship

[Magnum]

Wasn't sure where to put this so I decided to give it a shot here.

 

My story isn't necessarily about a relationship I was in but rather a friendship. I knew my old best friend for roughly half a year and we got along together until about the last month. He has borderline personality and I've seen him get into some really bad yelling matches and fist fights with his boyfriend. A part of me always wondered if I'd be in his boyfriend's shoes.

 

As time moved on, I saw some more red flags coming my way. My friend wanted to "meet other guys". I wasn't sure how to react to it so I went along with it. Since my friend doesn't have a car, I pretty much act as a driver. I guess you could say I'm not bright for staying but I'll continue with the story... These road trips started becoming bizarre. We were on the road for 40 minutes just to reach our destination. There's one point where I had enough of taking him around. I felt like it wasn't my place to take him on pleasure trips. I had to get home early one night and I told him, yet he wanted to stay and would yell at me the entire way home. I got called about a million names like "worthless", "ugly", "scrawny" ... etc. Pointing out all my flaws to cover his own. It felt like a tape recorder going off next to me every time.

 

So ... I took time off for him to cool down. About 2 weeks later he asked me if we could go to a mall roughly 30 minutes away. Having a feeling that he wanted to meet another guy, I asked him if that was his purpose. I get "oh no, it's just going to be my friend, Alexis". Well ... we get there and then he tells me he lied. I go him and leave him stranded. When he gets home, I get yelled at for stranding him there.

 

It's been hell ever since then. That was back near the end of April. I told his boyfriend all the hoopla that went down the past 6-7 months and now my ex friend is making all these bizarre threats and saying "I can't trust you anymore with anything" while he says "I love him and he's my boyfriend" ... contradiction much? I don't know, I'm glad that I'm trying to push him away from my life but I have this massive depression on top of me. He's toyed with my emotions a bit long and I keep having nightmares of the times I got yelled at and grabbed and such.

 

Is there anything I can do to feel better? This kid and I became close and I feel empty in a sense.

[Moutonrose]

hey Mag, I read your story and I understand what you are going threw!!! I have borderline personality disorder and I must say I've pushed away alot of friends because of it!

 

BPD is part of the reason my 7 year relationship died. my bf just had enough...it's normal you feel all you feel. we know how to push people against the wall and push them even past it. I can speak for myself that when I acte in the strange BPD way I do not do it to be mean. It's mostly defense...you see we always feel like we are being bombarded...we always need to defend ourselves because we mainly think everyone is against us. I suggest you read on the internet from a realiable website what borderline personality disorder is and how it affects the person and the people around him. there is also alot of support groupes for people who deal with people with bpd...so you can get help there.

 

is your friend getting the help he needs? therapy? medication?

I need both to get threw my days, maybe so does your friend.

one of the biggest fears of a person wiht Bpd is the extreme fear of abandonnement...they even sometimes abandon the people they love because they can't handle letting themselves be abandonned eventually by the person. you might have noticed that your friend has black and white thinking as well.

 

there is a book you could read to help you understand better the situation

it's called : stop walking on eggshells

really good read

 

here is a website that can help you as well

http://www.bpdfamily.com/

 

and here is a reputable site that explains what it is

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

 

hope this helps

[Downtown]

My old best friend ... has borderline personality.... I'm trying to push him away from my life ... Is there anything I can do to feel better?

Magnum, yes, there are four things that may help you a lot by freeing you from the guilt. One is to read more about about typical BPDer behavior so you feel, at a gut level, that walking away from a sick loved one is the right thing for you to be doing. I sense that, like me, you are a caregiver who is suffering a lot of guilt and sense of obligation.

 

To us, the notion of walking away from sick friends is anathema -- even when that is exactly what we should be doing. It therefore is important that you read enough to realize that, as long as you continue walking on eggshells around your BPDer ex-friend, you are destroying any chance he has of confronting his illness and learning how to manage it. On this forum, I suggest you read my description of typical BPDer behaviors in Inigo's thread. My three posts there begin at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453.

 

Second, I suggest you read the very best article I've seen on walking away from a BPDer. It is called "Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD" and is available at the link provided in the first of my three posts cited above.

 

Third, if you want to talk to a bunch of guys who are going through exactly what you are experiencing right now, I suggest you go to BPDfamily.com, the largest BPD website targeted to the nonBPD friends and family of BPDers. Of the dozen message boards at that site, the one most useful to you likely will be the "Leaving" board. Even if you simply lurk at that site, you will see that your predicament is very common and widely spread.

 

Fourth, I suggest that you get a copy of the best selling book about "excessive caregivers" like you and me. It's called Codependent No More. That's an excellent book but please be very skeptical of anything you read online about codependency. Because the APA does not consider it a disorder, it is not defined in the diagnostic manual. Nor will it be included in the revised manual scheduled for release in 2013. This is why the Internet contains a wide variation in definitions for it and most are nonsense (especially the long grocery list of over 50 traits provided at CoDA).

 

If you have any questions, I would be glad to try to answer them, Magnum. Meanwhile, please start taking better care of yourself for a change, Caregiver.

 

P.S. -- I just saw Moutonrouse's post and I believe the advice given there is excellent.

Edited May 15, 2011 by Downtown

[Magnum]

Thank you both. Everything posted is definitely a ton of help to me. I know he doesn't take meds anymore which probably explain some things. And yeah, I do see the black and white thinking. I use to hear "no one loves me" and I'd see cut marks on his arms. In my mind I would say "I wish you could see that I love you to death."

[Downtown]

I use to hear "no one loves me" .... In my mind I would say "I wish you could see that I love you to death."

Magnum, he usually cannot see the sincerity of your love because he likely lost his ability to trust at about age four. Yet, even if he could see and feel your love, it would hurt him. Trying to heal a BPDer by loving him is like trying to heal a burn patient by hugging him.

 

The intimacy of closeness is painful because, given his fragile and unstable sense of who he is, intimacy makes him feel like he is vanishing into thin air -- merging and disappearing into your strong personality. He therefore has to push you away, by creating an argument over nothing, to get breathing space. I discuss this in more detail in Inigo's thread, at the link provided above.

[Magnum]

Just a quick question though. How do I get rid of him? As much as I'm not making contact back, I still am receiving texts every so often during the day. I know the goal is to ignore them, but I can't stand reading "You'll never amount to anything" or "I hope you'll die a long slow death" ...

 

I would block his number if I had the option. I'm planning on taking a look at that to be honest. I just feel like I've done all that I can to find happiness and he tries to destroy that.

[Downtown]

Vindictiveness and meanness are hallmarks of BPD. It's not that the BPDers are bad people but, rather, that they do splitting -- wherein they can "split you black" and perceive you as being Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This is why BPD is said to be a thought distortion. If the texts bother you that much, I suggest you figure out how to use your phone to place them in a junk folder -- or block them entirely.