Cheating Girlfriend Advice

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

My current girlfriend and myself have been dating for around 2+1/2 years.

 

At first, our relationship started off very rocky. She had broken up with a boyfriend/fling she had over the summer (the one before her then Junior year in High School), and we had started talking. We started dating a couple months into both of our Junior Year in High school. About three weeks into the relationship, however, she had a romantic encounter with her previous summer-fling. It wasn't sex, but they had kissed.

 

This really hurt me, but for some reason, I don't know what it was, I decided to stay. I wasn't as hurt as I would be had this happened a while into the relationship, but it still hurt me, seriously, for a very long time. I never "let it slide" as it were, however I never threw it in her face. Since then, we had moved on, and I had grown to love her.

 

We have now been dating for 2+1/2 years. Her senior year in high school, she had enlisted in the Marine Corps. to help her pay for college, and to give her additional time to decide what she wanted to do in life, as that would allow her 4 extra years with pay, benefits, and a future pension to fully make up her mind. Since then, she had been through many hardships, boot camp, MCT, her MOS school, and finding out she would be shipped to Iraq in the upcoming months (around September).

 

At her MOS school, she had made a few friends. Mostly drinking buddies. Although drinking under 21 is illegal, the Corps. turns a blind eye to it, deciding that they are merely kids wishing to have fun. Well, some of her friends from her MOS school have been sent to KAK with her. I don't know what the acronym stands for, however I do know that it is training for going to Iraq/overseas.

 

Having not been able to talk to her for a while, I found out some news tonight when I talked to her. Judging by the name of the forum, you can probably guess what the news was, unfortunately.

 

She had cheated on me, once, with a guy that she is friends with. This is a guy that is in the same job field/stationed in same area as her, so she naturally sees him every day, and cannot simply avoid him. Neither of them were drunk at the time, and he came on to her when they were hanging out, and she just went with it. She doesn't know why she did it, and says that it was pure stupidity (in her words).

 

As it is easter weekend, yesterday was the first day she had access to a phone to call back and talk with me, so I can't blame her for not telling me sooner. Yesterday, we just caught up with how each other's lives were, etc. for the 10 minutes or so that she had to talk with me.

 

Tonight when we talked, she broke the news. She says that she did something very stupid, and still wants to be with me. In her words, I have every right to be mad at her, and nothing she says can justify what she did. I deserve better, deserve to be happy. (paraphrased from her words)

 

I don't know what to do. I still want to be with her, I still love her. I don't know how I can trust her, or work at building up our trust as she will be away in Iraq in the upcoming months, surrounded by similar males to the one mentioned. I can't exactly take a break from the relationship, as any news, regardless of how honest, would come as additional hurt to me.

 

I could never hurt her, especially in the ways that she has me.... but I still want to be with her, even through it all... but I don't know what to do.

 

I know the proverb, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Well, it seems as if I am the fool in this matter, from the above details...

 

I don't want to be hurt again, but simply closing myself off to hurt isn't the answer, in my eyes. I've seen what love can do, and I've experienced it with her, and I know that the goods have far outweighed even the bads, but I don't know if I should simply move on based on the sheer principal of the matter.

 

Am I being overtly foolish by wanting to remain with her? I know I can't have any additional assurance that a similar thing won't happen again, but I don't know what to do, so I'm turning here for advice. I really appreciate that everyone reading this has been through a similar situation, and can relate in more of a personal way than most people that I would ask for advice otherwise.

 

Apologies for my novella, but I thought it only fitting that any details be given before any judgement can be made in any way If you are able to, please try and provide detailed answers, not just a "go for it" or "dump her" type of a thing... but if I should stay with her, anything that could make it work-- or any way I should try and build up trust in her again, etc. or likewise, reasons I should dump her.

 

 

Cheers, and thank you in advance for your help

 

-David

[hurtingandconfused]

Am I being overtly foolish by wanting to remain with her?

 

This is your decision of course. I do not see why you would want to be with her. You have limited access in talking to her. You will not see her within years. She will change. And of course she cheated on you.

 

If you feel that you guys can work out these issues go for it. However, if you feel that you cannot handle what is going on between you guys, then you must move on.

[netman]

I never "let it slide" as it were

 

Of course you let it slide, you stayed even after she cheated repeatedly. Dude, I know this isn't the answer you're looking for, but walk away and don't look back. You staying with her after her repeated cheating tells her that she can do practically anything and you'll keep hanging around like a sorry puppy. Why do you think she keeps cheating over and over, and surely she'll do it again. Do you really want to stay with someone who is capable of cheating at any time, and just say that it was her stupidity when she gets caught?!?! Seriously, ask yourself if you really want to stay with a girl like that and do you really realistically think that you could learn to trust a girl like that.

 

She's doing whatever she wants with poor excuses, and you're letting her get away with it. If you stay with her, you're going to develop deep insecurity, co-dependence, and trust issues; trust me. I've been in your shoes; I'm a survivor.

 

You seem like a nice guy and you deserve better. There's tons of girls out there to be stuck on one, especially one taking advantage or you. From your writing, I think you're probably looking for someone who has been in your shoes and learned to trust after having cheating girlfriends and you're looking for ways on how to stay and learn to trust, but I don't think you're going to get the answer you're looking for. IMO, there's only one option. Consider it lesson learned and move on. Not to scare you, but I knew a guy who from what I hear was in your same shoes who became so depressed after his cheating girlfriend finally left him after years of her cheating and him taking it. Sorry to say but the depression overwhelmed him and he took his own life. There might be more details involved but the basis was him being stuck on this one girl. I hate hearing stories like that.

 

I know walking away is easier said than done, but you have to do it. And when you do, no contact whatsoever. If you don't, she'll keep cheating, you'll keep letting her, and she'll finally leave you because you're no challenge to her and she'll find someone to replace you. If you can get by that, you'll be much better off and you'll become more and more the type of confident guy that girls dig, instead of an emotional tampon who always is sulking in his girl trouble.

[faux]

Am I being overtly foolish by wanting to remain with her? I know I can't have any additional assurance that a similar thing won't happen again, but I don't know what to do, so I'm turning here for advice. I really appreciate that everyone reading this has been through a similar situation, and can relate in more of a personal way than most people that I would ask for advice otherwise.

 

I have never had a girlfriend go off to the military, but I have been in similar situations. I would overlook obvious red flags and think it was the right thing to forgive these women for cheating on me.

 

I then began to ask myself a question: Do you want to allow people to walk all over you, take you for granted, use and abuse you, and treat you horribly? I had to answer "no". It took me quite a long while to learn that no one should ever be forgiven for disrespecting me in such ways.

 

Although I do understand letting one offense slide, such as the kissing, this woman has repeatedly taken advantage of your trust and disrespected you. I'm willing to bet she thinks she can get away with it over and over again as well. Are you going to let her? I'll tell you that I have never gotten anywhere by remaining with a cheater, or forgiving a cheater.

 

My recommendation is that you leave this girl and find someone better. Find someone who isn't so caught up in her own events that she still has time for you. Find someone who is not going to break your trust repeatedly. Forgive her again and she will abuse your trust another time. Do not let anyone walk all over you in this way.

 

This is entirely your decision, but you are just asking for more trouble if you decide to keep in contact with this woman.

[amerikajin]

I don't think your girlfriend is a bad person. I think the problem is that you two have different lives now and nobody knows when (or even "if") you'll reunite. Not that I'm in any way trying to defend her indiscretions, but she's about to enter a world where few of us ever go, with her comrades. She may as well be on a completely different planet, because her world and yours are light years away.

 

Perhaps the best way to resolve this is to accept that, for now, you two have different lives. Let her know that you'll support her as a friend, but that maybe you should suspend the relationship until you two see each other again. Whatever happens before then, happens.