Almost jealous of my boyfriend's sister.

[allieb85]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 4 years now. This never was a problem until his sister broke up with her boyfriend and graduated high school about 3 years ago. They are 5 years apart.

 

The one thing that made me fall in love with him in the first place was how close he was to his family - I really admired it. Yet, it seems that the one relationship that is starting to irk me is his relationship with his sister.

 

Not only does she tag along on our dates (movies, lunch dates/dinner dates), but when she hangs out with him she always seems to act very childish around him, by tripping him, yanking on his arm, acting like a little girl asking for him to buy her things, shows him things on her phone, and walking almost uncomfortably close with him to the point where I feel like I need to step back to give her some room. When she comes along, she says "i'm hungry, and i'll pay for myself", but when time comes to pay, she laughs and says "I have no money, i'm broke." I think what makes me irritated is when we're together, I feel like a 3rd wheel. It's weird, she always brings up things that I wouldn't get, and only talks to him. When we're hanging out at home, trying to get some snuggle time, she walks in, sits right next to him, starts poking him (childish actions, etc) and watches t.v. Even when we're on the phone, she's in there, with the t.v on high volume so he can't hear me when I talk - I end up having to talk to him later in the day, or not at all. When we do get some alone time she sends him texts non stop about childish things, just like, "hi". or "look at my feet." He even tells her, "you need a boyfriend", or "go away, leave me alone." but she takes it more as an invite to bug him even more and spend more time with him. I think what got to me the most is when I found out that sometimes they share a bed. I have a brother and I would NEVER share my bed with him at this age. They have another brother, but their relationship is nothing like this. Someone even mentioned to the brother that "I think your sister is in love with your brother", but he just said "gross, they're just close."

 

I want to know if i'm being insensitive and not understanding. I just want to know if it's not just me, cause if it is, i'll do my best to get over it. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend without offending him. I don't know, am I over reacting?

[marigold7]

Well I don't think you're overreacting. It seems like there might be more to their relationship than there appears to be...like something happened in their family that made them so close. I'm not really sure. Or she's actually jealous of you and doesn't want to "let go of" her brother so quickly - like she feels threatened.

 

I think there are a few routes you can make in this situation. You could "kill her with kindness," accepting the situation for what it is and accepting their relationship and including her even more. You could talk to either of them - probably talk to your boyfriend first. You could dump him.

 

If you decide to talk to your boyfriend about it, just be really calm but firm. Explain how the situation makes you feel. I'm assuming you're pretty close to him b/c you've dated him for 4 years; I'm actually kinda surprised you didn't just go ahead and talk to him about it.

 

Anyway, best of luck.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I don't sense anything truly sinister about their relationship... but indeed their shared background will be very enlightening should you choose to stick around long enough to learn the details.

 

Careful study of everyone around them when they were little should eventually illuminate your understanding.

 

It does indeed qualify as weird...

[orion1010]

I think you are totally over reacting.. My brother's now wife is the SAME way. I moved out of state for 5 years and when I came back, my brother and I decided to get an apartment together because we are close and get along very well. We had 5 years of catching up to do. My brother's wife "stacy" forced her way in and talked my brother and I into letting her move in with us and I didn't really even know her. He was reluctant and so was I.

 

My brother and like the same things. video games, live bands, etc and she would get totally jealous of or relationship to the point were she would leave letters on the counter for him stating that he loves me more than her and he thinks we spent too much time together. Our family is also very close and for good reason. We've been through some VERY hard times where our bond has really brought us together. Stacy voicing her jealousy and getting pissed off really turned my brother off. Leave these siblings be.. She just went through a breakup and he's being the brother she needs to help her through it. Obviously she's going through something you don't know where he is letting her come around and act out like this.

 

I promise if you start getting jealous and voicing this, this will bring on more problems to you. He's being there for his sister and he will think you are insensitivve and over reacting and she will think you are trying to come between her and her brother. Give it time. As soon as she heals from her breakup and finds a new boyfriend, you will have all the time in the world with your boyfriend again.

 

Stacy still get jealous to this day and they are married and we no longer live together. She will still make stuip little jealous comments like "why dont you just marry your sister" just because he likes my cooking or I understand him. We GREW up together. we know each other very well. these feelings you have are totally inappropriate.

 

I could never understand her jealousy? like I'm going to take her husband. COME ON! we are siblings..

[TokyoG33kyGal]

there is such thing called emotional incest. i think you can be close with your siblings but you have to set boundaries as well especially if you're both grownups.

[orion1010]

I would say it's not really "cheating" but it is a kind of emotional cheating. I mean seriously, why does the sister have to be so needy? That's not healthy. It's disrespectful to not give your brother some space with his girl...

 

Emotional cheating with a sibling? lol please. If you can't be around family during a heart break, where should you go? She's comfortable around family and I think think this poster is over reacting.. seeing things out of context. What if a family member of his dies? Is he being selfish b/c she's not getting every second of his attention? It's just crazy to me..

 

 

there is such thing called emotional incest. i think you can be close with your siblings but you have to set boundaries as well especially if you're both grownups.

 

What has happend that you constitute emotional incest? The sister is trying to goof around and have a little fun around someone she trusts to lick her wounds and forget about her breakup. What do people tell you to do when you go though a breakup? spend time with family. keep busy, take your mind off things. that's all the sister is doing. As soon as she finds a new boyfriend, the poster will have her b/f back.

 

Her being jealous of the sister is just ridiculous! Laughable!

[allieb85]

I can understand a close relationship with siblings, but I just don't understand why she literally needs to be all over him. (my best friend is close with her brother - yet she doesn't act at ALL like my boyfriends sister). My boyfriend's sister is 20 years old, acts like she's 12, and mind you, she hasn't had a boyfriend in about 3 years, and says she doesn't want one, nor need one. She moved away for a semester (3 months!), and even then she was blowing up his phone, and she came home almost every weekend. We hardly spend time together because I work a lot and would appreciate not having someone literally poking my boyfriend on the other side of him trying to get his attention. It's not like they talk about their emotions with one another and they literally don't like the same things. I guess it's not really jealousy, it's more annoyance.

 

I'm happy that they're close, but there has to be certain boundaries right? I dont mind her hanging around every once in awhile, but all the time? @orion1010 am I still overreacting? By the way, I would never say something like "just marry your sister!"

[Citizen Erased]

I think you're projecting your issues and experience with your SIL to the OP and it's rather unfair. Was your brother bringing your on all his dates with her and sleeping in the same bed as you? The OP doesn't sound jealous of his close relationship, more over the lack of alone time with her bf due to his sister tagging along and being in their personal space as a couple.

 

I'm close with my siblings, but there are boundaries. I doubt you went over them, your SIL sounds nuts. The OP's strikes me as a different story.

 

I think you are totally over reacting.. My brother's now wife is the SAME way. I moved out of state for 5 years and when I came back, my brother and I decided to get an apartment together because we are close and get along very well. We had 5 years of catching up to do. My brother's wife "stacy" forced her way in and talked my brother and I into letting her move in with us and I didn't really even know her. He was reluctant and so was I.

 

My brother and like the same things. video games, live bands, etc and she would get totally jealous of or relationship to the point were she would leave letters on the counter for him stating that he loves me more than her and he thinks we spent too much time together. Our family is also very close and for good reason. We've been through some VERY hard times where our bond has really brought us together. Stacy voicing her jealousy and getting pissed off really turned my brother off. Leave these siblings be.. She just went through a breakup and he's being the brother she needs to help her through it. Obviously she's going through something you don't know where he is letting her come around and act out like this.

 

I promise if you start getting jealous and voicing this, this will bring on more problems to you. He's being there for his sister and he will think you are insensitivve and over reacting and she will think you are trying to come between her and her brother. Give it time. As soon as she heals from her breakup and finds a new boyfriend, you will have all the time in the world with your boyfriend again.

 

Stacy still get jealous to this day and they are married and we no longer live together. She will still make stuip little jealous comments like "why dont you just marry your sister" just because he likes my cooking or I understand him. We GREW up together. we know each other very well. these feelings you have are totally inappropriate.

 

I could never understand her jealousy? like I'm going to take her husband. COME ON! we are siblings..

[stace79]

I think you are totally over reacting.. My brother's now wife is the SAME way. I moved out of state for 5 years and when I came back, my brother and I decided to get an apartment together because we are close and get along very well. We had 5 years of catching up to do. My brother's wife "stacy" forced her way in and talked my brother and I into letting her move in with us and I didn't really even know her. He was reluctant and so was I.

 

My brother and like the same things. video games, live bands, etc and she would get totally jealous of or relationship to the point were she would leave letters on the counter for him stating that he loves me more than her and he thinks we spent too much time together. Our family is also very close and for good reason. We've been through some VERY hard times where our bond has really brought us together. Stacy voicing her jealousy and getting pissed off really turned my brother off. Leave these siblings be.. She just went through a breakup and he's being the brother she needs to help her through it. Obviously she's going through something you don't know where he is letting her come around and act out like this.

 

I promise if you start getting jealous and voicing this, this will bring on more problems to you. He's being there for his sister and he will think you are insensitivve and over reacting and she will think you are trying to come between her and her brother. Give it time. As soon as she heals from her breakup and finds a new boyfriend, you will have all the time in the world with your boyfriend again.

 

Stacy still get jealous to this day and they are married and we no longer live together. She will still make stuip little jealous comments like "why dont you just marry your sister" just because he likes my cooking or I understand him. We GREW up together. we know each other very well. these feelings you have are totally inappropriate.

 

I could never understand her jealousy? like I'm going to take her husband. COME ON! we are siblings..

 

If you really love and care about your brother, you should be encouraging of the relationship/marriage he CHOSE to be in. If he doesn't love her that much, then why would he marry her?

 

As for the OP, I think this relationship is REALLY odd. I'm assuming that since both your bf and his sister were dating long-term, than you guys are AT LEAST late teens? If so, it is totally inappropriate for them to be sharing a bed right now.

 

I agree that you should not talk to him accusingly or you will make him defensive. But just explaining to him calmly what you have observed happening and then telling him how it makes you feel should be okay.

 

Obviously, you don't want to cut his sister out of his life. But there are definitely more ways he could be spending time with both her and you that are appropriate.

 

Do his parents know they are sharing a bed? That is just really, truly odd.

[orion1010]

 

Do his parents know they are sharing a bed? That is just really, truly odd.

 

Ok... my brother and I don't do this...Sharing a bed is not something normal for a brother and sister to do.

 

Do they often share a bed? Or was it a time where she couldn't drink and drive and crashed there b/c she was wasted and there was nowhere else to sleep?