Keeping Your Guys Friends When They Enter Relationships - Possible?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I have several guy friends, mostly acquired through online dating. We met, enjoyed each other's company, but didn't move into a relationship for one reason or another, and they actually stuck around.

 

Although sex was never a component of these relationships, when they go on to acquire girlfriends, my practice in the past has basically been to step back and stop initiating any contact with them. I respect their new relationships, and don't want to potentially add any complications, particularly given that I'm still single and could be seen as a threat, given that I'd once dated the guy.

 

But now I find myself in a frustrating situation - ALL of my single guy friends are now in relationships. I have a couple of female friends where I live, but they are also attached so I never see them more than once or twice a month. Needless to say, my social calendar is pretty wide open.

 

I'm ambivalent about dating, but still making efforts to go out and acquire new friends, but now I'm considering changing my policy with regard to my guy friends. I miss them, and I'm sort of frustrated that I have to disappear simply because they are dating someone. At the same time, though, I don't want to create any problems for them or involve myself in any drama, or, honestly, get ignored by them or pushed away because they feel they have to, because that would definitely hurt (though I wouldn't blame them).

 

What have those of you who have been in similar situations done? Should I stop being so considerate of the new relationship if my friend still wants to spend time with me? (i.e., adopt a "well, if it doesn't bother him, it shouldn't both me" stance), or should I just accept this as the way things are?

[threebyfate]

If one of your male friends wants to spend time with you, you could always suggest he invite his SO so the two of you can meet, get to know one another, thus reducing potential drama.

 

If he doesn't want the two of you to meet or for her to know about you, you know to run far, far away.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

If one of your male friends wants to spend time with you, you could always suggest he invite his SO so the two of you can meet, get to know one another, thus reducing potential drama.

 

If he doesn't want the two of you to meet or for her to know about you, you know to run far, far away.

 

Yeah, I've done that in the past. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of a couple of the gfs, and in other instances, I never hung out with them after the one time - so I guess I didn't pass muster for whatever reason on her end.

 

Yeah, I would never be ok with him hiding me or saying he was going out with a guy friend. To my knowledge that has never happened.

 

Maybe I can just reach out to them and say I miss them and see what ideas they have as well.

[bikinibeach]

thank you so much for this post!

 

i am in a situation where i would be one of the new girlfriends and i would still by with my guy (and not have dumped him last week) if his friends had been more like you!!

 

instead, they expect to hang out as much with his as when he was single which includes going out for dinner, movies, dinner and a movie, inviting him over to their homes for tea at 10pm, DESPITE knowing that it made me uncomfortable and that he REALLY liked me (loved me even) and that this was coming between us in our relationship.

 

i am friendly, outgoing, accepting... i was excited when he told me most of his friends were women. i saw it as an opportunity at more friends for me! but i was sadly mistaken.

 

the receptions i got were lukewarm to downright frosty. these of course being people who my ex has touted as really friendly, outgoing girls that suddenly take on an attitude with me the second they lay eyes on me (might as well just say it, i am a model, BUT i was ugly growing up... i have a great personality, i don't judge people, i paid them sincere compliments...).

 

the worst part is, they would ignore me, look me snidely up and down and make "eyes" at him when they thought i wasn't looking (by that i mean like "oh my god!!!" kind of looks, things like that).

 

it was especially bad with his ex who was supposedly his "best friend" yet had no interest in knowing ANYTHING about her best friend's love or to even engage me in conversation at all.

 

he would then defend them and tell me it was all in my head.

 

do you know what i wanted more than anything???? i really wished that the closer ones who knew i was threatened by them had reached out. facebooked me, asked him for my email and said'

 

"hey!!! *****'s been talking about you and you sound pretty awesome. he and i have been pretty good friends for a while now and i've been hoping that a special girl would come along for him. my name is *** and i just wanted to say hi. a bunch of us are going to ****** on saturday, you guys should come!!"

 

instead, he is at home crying his eyes out and leaving me voicemails while they flock around him like hawks consoling him over the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE girl who did him wrong. it's just awful what they are doing. but in the end, he is a man and should be making his own decisions.

 

i wish you luck with this! and i hope that you take my advice

[Sugarkane]

Bikinibeach-I understand where your coming from. My now ex was friends with his ex and her boyfriend. Yet when I was dating my ex, she was completely cold to me and never even said a word! Yet she was supposed to be friendly and outgoing. She was neither to me. It seems the exes are jealous that you have him and they don't? And having having this harem of girl friends, must be an ego boost for him?

[carhill]

What have those of you who have been in similar situations done?

Get your friend's perspective directly by asking and share your thoughts about the dynamic.

 

IMO, couples are a package deal. I didn't particularly care for a number of my eW's GF's husbands but I swallowed that perspective and was friendly and sociable because that's what a good partner does. The same holds true if I'm single and my friend (male or female) is LTR/M. The couple is a package deal. It's part of being a good friend, which is a two-way street.

 

What interests do you and your male friends share? As an example, I would say I ran into the dynamic you describe the most with my fellow female race car drivers and cyclists. We were friends and colleagues and they were married/LTR and I was single. The focus was on the interest, which is typical for friends, even though we socialized as well.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Thanks for the additional replies.

 

bikinibeach - I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, and thank you for the compliment.

 

Unfortunately, it seems I was a bit premature with my concern. I extended invitations to dinner immediately after making this post to two of the couples in question. After initial excitement at the prospect on the part of the male friends, I've since heard nothing - at all. Another friend seems to have disappeared entirely as well. I don't know if the girlfriends would have none of it, or if the guy friends just decided the friendship wasn't so meaningful as I had perhaps felt them to be. But men and women are just different, and since I can't know, there's no point in speculating.

 

So it appears this isn't really a problem of mine to be solved anymore, but thanks again for the advice. I guess I have my answer!

[DreamerGirl27]

If one of your male friends wants to spend time with you, you could always suggest he invite his SO so the two of you can meet, get to know one another, thus reducing potential drama.

 

If he doesn't want the two of you to meet or for her to know about you, you know to run far, far away.

 

I would get seriously jealous if the one guy friend I have wanted to bring his SO around me.

[Dust]

My policy as a guy in a relationship is to avoid drama. I have only one special girl in my life at a time. While I think its great to have opposite sex friends I would never just go out for drinks or have meal with another girl. Spending alone time with a girl for the sole purpose of enjoying their company is just wrong. I don’t want my gf hooking up with ex’s or guys she had been friends with.

 

Sure I keep in touch with friends. I see no reason to keep in touch with ex-gf’s. The thing is I’m not gong to spend a lone time with the opposite sex unless it’s business or some other legitimate reason.

 

Why don’t you just focus on making friends that are girls that don’t just abandon you when they get a bf/husband. Using dating sites to make friends and having ex’s that are friends isn’t a good way to be.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

My policy as a guy in a relationship is to avoid drama. I have only one special girl in my life at a time. While I think its great to have opposite sex friends I would never just go out for drinks or have meal with another girl. Spending alone time with a girl for the sole purpose of enjoying their company is just wrong. I don’t want my gf hooking up with ex’s or guys she had been friends with.

 

Sure I keep in touch with friends. I see no reason to keep in touch with ex-gf’s. The thing is I’m not gong to spend a lone time with the opposite sex unless it’s business or some other legitimate reason.

 

Why don’t you just focus on making friends that are girls that don’t just abandon you when they get a bf/husband. Using dating sites to make friends and having ex’s that are friends isn’t a good way to be.

 

I guess we define "ex" differently. I don't consider a guy that I went on one or two dates (and was never intimate) with, an ex.

 

I don't use dating sites to find friends, I use them to find people to date. But while my goal is not to form platonic friendships, I'm not going to push aside hanging out with someone I enjoy hanging out with simply because he has a penis. As I said, I'm respectful of their relationships, and accept that his time and energy will be devoted to that relationship. I was hoping to find some sort of middle ground here, but I completely understand why they disappear.

 

If you have any insight on how to identify women who won't drop their girlfiends once they enter a new relationship, I'd love to hear it as this has been a consistent pattern in virtually all of my female relationships, with only few exceptions, since I entered puberty.

[Dust]

I’m a guy and I have some great friends with wives and girlfriends. In fact I much prefer to have my friends happy with some one then perpetually single.

 

Maybe you should make friends with girls who are already in relationships. Also instead of focusing on reconnecting with your guy friends who are in relationships, reconnect with the girls you’ve lost touch with.

 

As a guy I don’t like the idea of going out to do something with my girlfriend and some single guy she knows and likes as a “friend.” I really have no interest in dating a girl who goes and spends time with another guy for the enjoyment of being around him. For those reasons and the drama it would bring I do the same. I still have my friends who are girls we just don’t really do anything together anymore. The best way to have friends of opposite sex when in a relationship is for the couple to be friends with the person. Even then I’m not going to spend alone time or want my gf to spend alone time with the opposite sex.

[carhill]

If you have any insight on how to identify women who won't drop their girlfiends once they enter a new relationship, I'd love to hear it as this has been a consistent pattern in virtually all of my female relationships, with only few exceptions, since I entered puberty.

Wow, really? My exW kept all her GF's I was aware of when I first met her and we/she gained further ones as a couple during our M. Most of them were the same. Myself and some of the other husbands would even play 'cabana boy' for some of their all-girl pool and luncheon parties. Hey, I was in it for the swimsuits and sundresses

 

Anyway, no rhyme or reason. Some were single/divorced, some were married, some had boyfriends.

 

Perhaps one method is to make friends with ladies who are already M or LTR.

 

BTW, my exW's two closest GF's were serious knockouts. I told the story awhile back of the one who had her bit of fun with me. Any 'normal' guy wouldn't have been able to resist her. I barely did. Thank god it was after MC.

 

My best female friend and I remained close (I was single, though I dated a fair amount) all through her LTR right up until/around the time it got seriously looking like M. At that point, I guess her BF had his fill and it was time for me to go. I kinda miss her. We had a lot of good years together and my mom loved her like a daughter. I wouldn't have dropped her when I got married. My exW and her would've had a great time. She was Asian, well-educated, well-traveled and loved to cook. Like I said, mutual interests.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

I’m a guy and I have some great friends with wives and girlfriends. In fact I much prefer to have my friends happy with some one then perpetually single.

 

Maybe you should make friends with girls who are already in relationships. Also instead of focusing on reconnecting with your guy friends who are in relationships, reconnect with the girls you’ve lost touch with.

 

As a guy I don’t like the idea of going out to do something with my girlfriend and some single guy she knows and likes as a “friend.” I really have no interest in dating a girl who goes and spends time with another guy for the enjoyment of being around him. For those reasons and the drama it would bring I do the same. I still have my friends who are girls we just don’t really do anything together anymore. The best way to have friends of opposite sex when in a relationship is for the couple to be friends with the person. Even then I’m not going to spend alone time or want my gf to spend alone time with the opposite sex.

 

Right, and I understand that, which is why it's been my practice to disappear when a girlfriend enters the picture; it would make me uncomfortable as well.

 

I moved to an entirely new state where I knew no one and then got divorced shortly thereafter. Forming meaningful friendships with women has been a challenge. Most women in their mid-30s who are in relationships tend to be more focused on issues related to breastfeeding, daycare, their marriages and career - not so much on meeting single girlfriends; at least in my experience. It seems to primarily be other single girls who are open to hanging out and meeting new people.

 

I've always related better to guys and formed friendships easily with them. When I am in relationships, that's great, but as a single girl it's kind of a pain. Ah well.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

carhill - She's very fortunate. My relationships with women have largely been a source of frustration and hurt for me.

[carhill]

Well, they (the two closest) stuck with her through now two failed marriages, so yeah, I think they are great friends, both over 20 years now. The one in the story still cleans my teeth.

 

Part of the equation is the guy friend too. Maybe the same characteristics which allow me to have non-threatening platonic relationships with women also make me largely unattractive to the subset of women who would otherwise be potential romantic partners. That might be part of the issue. The men who you befriend perhaps are more 'manly' and attract women who are more territorial, hence causing friction with yourself, since they see you as an encroachment upon their domain. Perhaps I don't attract that kind of woman, so don't have that kind of issue, IDK.

[bikinibeach]

crestfallennomore: sure a man having male sex organs does not mean that you can not be his friend- you're right!

 

but when he gets a girlfriend, your relationship will have to change, that is what comes with being platonic friends. attempt to befriend the COUPLE or just suck it up and quit crying.

[CrestfallenNoMore]

crestfallennomore: sure a man having male sex organs does not mean that you can not be his friend- you're right!

 

but when he gets a girlfriend, your relationship will have to change, that is what comes with being platonic friends. attempt to befriend the COUPLE or just suck it up and quit crying.

 

I appear to not be communicating very clearly. I feel I've stated numerous times that I understand the relationship has to change, that I have no issues befriending the couple, and I've also stated that I have attempted to befriend the couple in two specific instances. Perhaps you didn't read my additional responses?

 

I'm certainly not "crying" over anything. I'm sorry you lost your relationship, but I'm not one of those girls who helped sabotage it, ok?