not susure where to start...

[NSDNQ]

guess the best place is with my backround. I was raised by six women. my mom was a bartender at a strip club. I grew up in that place. never got to go out onto the floor but was pretty much raised in the dressing room and the managers office. the manager, louis was my largest role model for a long time. I idolized that guy. my mom hated that. she always wanted me to have a good upbringing but never had the means to provide it. she never had anyone to watch me and louis took a liking to me, took me under his wing and what not. tought me how to pick up girls. how to drive. how to fight. tought me how to count money and keep a false wallet. how to mix a drink. gave me my first cigarette. all that stuff.

 

skip ahead to my first year of highschool I had been kicked out on my own for refusing to adhere to my moms rules and stop hanging out with lous after she quit her job there and started working as a waitress. I started dealing pot at 14 and coke at 16. my grades in school where always passing. I was sharp I just never put any effort into my school work. I'd just skip all year study for the final a few nights before score a barely passing grade shrug my shoulders and say good enough for me. never saw the point in school back then. nobody was gonna pay me to go there. so i didnt. I just sold to people I could trust and partied the night away every night and most of the next morning. I got a kick out of stealing chicks from everybody. I was that guy that would sneak out your fiance's window at night when you had to work a double. I never slept with the same woman twice.

 

I continued that life untill my baby sister was born when I was 17. I love that little girl. that was the same year louis died of lung cancer. For the first time ever I started thinking about my life seriously. how I got to where I was,where I was going, and what my sister was going to grow up seeing. I decided I had to be a better role model for her. I spent alot of time thinking about this. I sobered up, changed my phone number, and joined the army on my eighteenth birthday.

 

three months after I got back in town from boot camp, was when i met her. from the very beggining I knew she was way different then anyone I had ever met before. For one, she wasnt the normal type of girl I was attracted too. I always went for tall girls but she was a good half foot shorter then me about up to my chin, she was about twenty pounds heavier then any other girl I had been with, but moved light as a feather. it was like she glided instead of walking. I always went for blondes or redheads but her hair was black as paint. she didnt fit "my type" at all but i was more attracted to her then I had ever been to any other woman in my life.

 

she was a clumsy dancer and couldnt sing. but she has this smile that makes everything around her look more beautifull. she has these ice blue eyes that look green in the dark and there touches of gold around the edges. our first night together was at a mutual freinds party. INSTANT CHEMEISTRY. the most either of us could do was pretend to be disinterested for a few seconds before we where back to staring at eachother, touching, caressing. I dont know If i even said two full sentences to anyone else at that party. I know she didnt, except for gossiping with her freind for a few seconds about me while i went to get our cups refilled. when everybody left to get more beer, as soon as the sounds of the engine where out of earshot we where all over eachother. almost knocked the over the fridge lol. she later told me she never intended on sleeping with me when she met me but that before she knew it we where waking up together the next morning. that was another huge surprise for me. never stayed the night before her. I still have nightmares about some things that I saw when I was dealing and that was a big reason I never got serious with a girl even after my lil sis was born and louis died. nothing kills the romance of a night like waking up screaming bloody murder and scaring the hell out of the person next to you. but I didnt dream that night. for the first time in five years I got a decent nights sleep and woke up feeling completely rested. thats when I discovered the single most satisying thing this world has to offer. morning sex followed by a smoke and a coffee in bed. getting woken up by her kiss is the moment I think I really fell in love with her.

 

after that night (to date the happiest night of my life, hands down.) the world just seemed like a better place. nothing phased me. if my apartment burnt down you would have seen me on the curb whistling a happy tune while looking through the the classifieds. two weeks and three dates later I got to spend the night at her place. her mother made sure to remind us the door would be kept open and made me promise her there would be no sexual things happening in that room. that was the first time i ever broke my word. That was also the first time I ever said I love you to anyone but my mom or my sister. the next day I got orders to ship out down to viginia for three months. We shared another three nights together. The day i left I spent it all with her. she tells me she's going to wait for me, even if I dont wait for her, and all she asks in return is that I call and say goodnight to her everynight. all I could bring myself to say was "okay" the shock didnt wear off untill I was already on the bus. thats when I realized how much I was in love with her. without knowing it I had found myself in my first relationship. and a long distance one at that.

 

those three months felt like three decades. I hated virginia. dont get me wrong, theres nothing bad about it feeling like april in september but the bugs, the rain, the mud, the not understanding a god damned thing anyone ever said to me, it wore thin very quickly. I missed new york. I missed my sister. I even missed the snow a little. most of all I missed her. every night I had a phone I called her and we would fall asleep to eachother voices. we wrote letters back and forth constantly. everytime I got one from her it was like someone shot me in the ass with adrenaline. I could hear my heartbeat in my eardrums every time I opened them.

 

I talked about her all the time to anyone who would listen. but everyone who did always had the same response. "arn't you scared she'll cheat on you?" the thought never really occured to me untill the thirtieth or so time someone asked me that. but once that seed was planted in my head it grew like a ****ing cancer. she remained freinds with all of her ex's. when one of them asked to take her to a movie and she asked me how I felt about it... I raised no objection but it scared me to death. when she got home that night and called me told me how it went and how it was somewhat akward but still a fun time, that nothing happened. as I heard her fall asleep on the phone that night I cannot find the words to describe the feeling of relief that washed over me. but the next day I woke up just as scared. she had admitted to me she had cheated on all of her previous partners except for me. I was scared all the time. terrified. she meant the world to me. I got nervous everytime she said she was hanging out with freinds. I never voiced these concerns, and she never voiced any of her own. but it was the elephant in the room.

 

shortly after our second month anniversary was when I sensed something was wrong. she got more distant. started being very afraid I was going to leave her for no apperant reason. one day I call her and she says she hanging out with an old from high school. his name is kameron she hasnt heard from him forever and they are just hanging out watching TV. kamerons freind wants to talk to me. talked with that condescending bastard for ten minutes before he starts refusing to give the phone back to her while you hear her demanding to get the phone back. I tell him I want to talk to kameron. you hear the phone get tossed across the room. I hear her giggling in the backround yelling "stop it"! in a slightly playful but irritated voice. Hello? dail tone. Kameron hung up on me. nice touch *******.

 

I knew it in the bottom of my gut. I knew it but refused to believe it. but not believing it didnt stop me from having my own little affair to get back at her though. we stopped falling asleep on the phone and started saying goodnight. letters slowed down and finally stopped. we decided to "take a break."

 

When I finally stepped off the bus and back into new york I was surrounded by an empty bus station. Inside, outside smoked a cigarette, then inside again. When I went back outside again she was the first face I saw. her bangs drooping over those beautifull eyes, grinning ear to ear. her smiling still making the whole world look beautifull. I cant remeber If i ran into her arms or if she ran into mine but I rember the impact and lifting her up and twirling up around in a circle. We where kissing before her feet touched the ground.

 

spent the weekend up at her place. I confessed that I cheated. she rolled over on the bed turned away from me. I tried to touch her shoulder but she pulled away. thirty seconds later she was back in my arms. when she confessed she cheated I just layed there staring at the ceiling while she rested her head on my shoulder. she lied about the detials. at first it was just kissing, later copping feels, later the clothes where off, later there was oral, later there was sex. everytime we had an arguement a new peice of the truth would come out. everytime she would'nt have the words out of her mouth before I had already forgived her in my heart. but I that was why I kept pushing her away. I couldnt stop myself from forgiving her for all the pain she cuased me. I felt used helpless and still terrified about what she hadnt told me yet. the trust between us completely destroyed. everytime we had sex I would have my mind being invaded by visual images of her doing these things with that peice of scum.

 

I dumped her on the night of her homecoming dance. then called back the next morning and begged her to take me back. no dice. she came to drop off my stuff but once she saw me in person we where holding and kissing eachother again. neither of us could ever bring ourselves to say goodbye in person. We spent the next few months argueing and fighting over the phone, then making up and spending the weekends together. I got really controlling demanding to know where she was and what she was doing all the time. she would flirt with other dudes just to regain her ssense of independence and i guess just to piss me off for being so nasty to her when we fight. we Mostly just played that on again off again game. I've called her everyname in the book during one of our fights and she really hasnt forgiven me for that. she finally broke it off in a text message. I would feel insulted by that if I didnt know she did it that way becuase there would be no way she could have said it out loud.

 

I swore i would learn how to live without her again, that there was a girl out there who would treat me how I deserve to be treated, and that sure as **** that girl wasnt her. even told her so. but three months later here I am and I feel like a corpse thats still breathing. everything still reminds me of her, Im thinking about her constantly and cant get her out of my head. everytime Ive tried to talk to her all we do is fight.

 

I have no clue what to do.

[NSDNQ]

looking back I think its karma,

 

all the relationships I ruined always being the other guy

and the one girl I'd do anything for cheats on me and leaves me

 

Irony is a bitch

 

cheers

[Gisele]

Im so sorry.

 

I read your whole post there, i wish you didn't have to go through this.

 

I think you should go No Contact for now. Clear your head. You need to focus on yourself for a while: you're actually still putting her first. It's because you seem to really love her, put it won't help right now.

 

Let the dust settle for a while.

 

Can i ask if she apologised when she admitted she cheated on you?

 

I was in an LDR for 8 months so i have some experience there, but i think part of you doesn't want to let go of her for fear of not finding anyone else like her. But when push comes to shove: she made a choice.

 

Did she say WHY she did it? Did you ask?

 

It's a tough one because infidelity is usually the Point of No Return in my books, but i know that an LDR adds extra pressure. Still doesn't make it ok. Slightly more understandable, but a horrible betrayal nonetheless

 

For now: no contact. That's why you're fighting: neither of you knows what to do with yourselves because the issues haven't been dealt with, and you both know there's no easy answer to this

 

Look after yourself for a while. Give yourself time to heal in peace, it'll help with how overwhelming the loss can be

[Gisele]

Also, 3 months isn't long enough to 'fall out of love' with someone. It takes as long as it takes for things to stop hurting, so if you're also worried that you're taking an unusual length of time to process things: don't

 

And don't listen to anyone who says you should be 'over it by now'

[Graceful]

Have you read "The Tender Bar" ? At first glimpse of your post ... that's what I was thinking about. Great book, BTW. You might really like it.

 

Not sure what you're looking for in the way of a response. You've packed a lot into a young life from the sound of it. Street smarts. Tough on the outside, soft and tender on the inside. Fooled around and fell in love. A passionate, obsessive kind of love, an unforgettable kind of love, but not one that nourished you, or your ex, as it was based on something that wasn't quite tangible, was it?

 

It almost sounds like the two of you didn't really want it to be real. It was better being hot and stormy and volatile, because I think you both knew it would reach fever pitch and from there it could only implode on the two of you.

 

You wanted it to last, but you didn't want it to last. You wanted her to take you back, but you knew even if she had taken you back, you would have just gotten back on the merry go round. You don't know how to live without her, but you can't live with her.

 

It's like being trapped in a maze. You love the challenge, but you know you have to get out or you'll go crazy.

 

neither of us could ever bring ourselves to say goodbye in person. We spent the next few months argueing and fighting over the phone, then making up and spending the weekends together. I got really controlling demanding to know where she was and what she was doing all the time. she would flirt with other dudes just to regain her ssense of independence and i guess just to piss me off for being so nasty to her when we fight.

 

we Mostly just played that on again off again game. I've called her everyname in the book during one of our fights and she really hasnt forgiven me for that.

 

she finally broke it off in a text message. I would feel insulted by that if I didnt know she did it that way becuase there would be no way she could have said it out loud.

Yeah, see what I mean. Too hot to handle. Too volatile. Too dramatic. No one can go on like this, no one. You have to be a lot cooler than this, a lot more confident, a lot more truthful, a lot more devoted. A lot more honest. No name calling, no recriminations, none of that.

 

You need to recover. Know this was an experience that came to you, she came to you, to teach you something about life and love. She wasn't meant to be in your life forever physically, but she was meant to teach you something. So take it and learn from it. Write about it, keep a journal and write it down. It's a chapter in your life that you won't forget, but that's how to think of it, as a chapter. A lesson.

 

What's the take away for you? What will you do with what you've learned? That's your challenge, that's your responsibility. Don't waste it. There's too much here to let it go to waste just obsessing over her. Don't do that. Rather take every last drop from it for yourself, stop contacting her, you don't understand what's happened, and you don't understand each other. Not yet. Get some distance and you'll see that she's not your forever girl, you're not her forever guy. She's probably much more than that, but you just don't know it yet.

 

And yeah, I love the irony, too. It's dark. Very dark. Who needs a happy ending when you can have this? First true love the way it's supposed to be -- at least for a guy like you.

[NSDNQ]

Im so sorry.

 

I read your whole post there, i wish you didn't have to go through this.

 

I think you should go No Contact for now. Clear your head. You need to focus on yourself for a while: you're actually still putting her first. It's because you seem to really love her, put it won't help right now.

 

Let the dust settle for a while.

 

Can i ask if she apologised when she admitted she cheated on you?

 

I was in an LDR for 8 months so i have some experience there, but i think part of you doesn't want to let go of her for fear of not finding anyone else like her. But when push comes to shove: she made a choice.

 

Did she say WHY she did it? Did you ask?

 

It's a tough one because infidelity is usually the Point of No Return in my books, but i know that an LDR adds extra pressure. Still doesn't make it ok. Slightly more understandable, but a horrible betrayal nonetheless

 

For now: no contact. That's why you're fighting: neither of you knows what to do with yourselves because the issues haven't been dealt with, and you both know there's no easy answer to this

 

Look after yourself for a while. Give yourself time to heal in peace, it'll help with how overwhelming the loss can be

 

she did apologize. a straight up from the bottom of her heart apology, The night before the dance. she promised she would never do it again. I knew she was still keeping a few secrets when she made that promise, which is why I didnt trust it. which is why I ditched her. honestly that night was a make it or break it moment for us. and I broke it. I broke her by doing that too. theres alot of things I've done to qualify as the worst mistake in my life, and its a close compitition, but thats the frontrunner.

 

I asked her to marry me once. she pretended she didnt hear me at first. just to see if I would say it again. I did, but I hesitated. if I hadnt hesitated there isnt a doubt in my mind she would have said yes. I didnt really ever need her to say yes to make me happy. I just needed her to want it as bad as I did. looking back, I know she did. but she had more experience in relationships. she knew better then to do it just becuase she wanted it.

My point is that was back before the LDR, after coming back from virginia

every time I would start to drift of and daydream about making her my wife it would be punctured by these searing split second images of her and kameron.

 

She said the reason she did it was becuase everyone around her was telling her I was going to cheat on her, that I never convinced her I wouldnt, and eventually she gave into that fear and decided she had to do it first.

 

If theres one thing I will always respect about that girl its her instincts. she grew up in a small town and lived what people from my side of the tracks would call an easy life. But if I dropped her off in my old neighborhood she'd own half of it in a week.

 

for a long time I was planning on killing kameron. never killed anyone but I've been around enough killers to know the proper way to do it. I had it all planned out. not exactly sure why i never went through with it.

[NSDNQ]

Have you read "The Tender Bar" ? At first glimpse of your post ... that's what I was thinking about. Great book, BTW. You might really like it.

 

Not sure what you're looking for in the way of a response. You've packed a lot into a young life from the sound of it. Street smarts. Tough on the outside, soft and tender on the inside. Fooled around and fell in love. A passionate, obsessive kind of love, an unforgettable kind of love, but not one that nourished you, or your ex, as it was based on something that wasn't quite tangible, was it?

 

It almost sounds like the two of you didn't really want it to be real. It was better being hot and stormy and volatile, because I think you both knew it would reach fever pitch and from there it could only implode on the two of you.

 

You wanted it to last, but you didn't want it to last. You wanted her to take you back, but you knew even if she had taken you back, you would have just gotten back on the merry go round. You don't know how to live without her, but you can't live with her.

 

It's like being trapped in a maze. You love the challenge, but you know you have to get out or you'll go crazy.

 

Yeah, see what I mean. Too hot to handle. Too volatile. Too dramatic. No one can go on like this, no one. You have to be a lot cooler than this, a lot more confident, a lot more truthful, a lot more devoted. A lot more honest. No name calling, no recriminations, none of that.

 

You need to recover. Know this was an experience that came to you, she came to you, to teach you something about life and love. She wasn't meant to be in your life forever physically, but she was meant to teach you something. So take it and learn from it. Write about it, keep a journal and write it down. It's a chapter in your life that you won't forget, but that's how to think of it, as a chapter. A lesson.

 

What's the take away for you? What will you do with what you've learned? That's your challenge, that's your responsibility. Don't waste it. There's too much here to let it go to waste just obsessing over her. Don't do that. Rather take every last drop from it for yourself, stop contacting her, you don't understand what's happened, and you don't understand each other. Not yet. Get some distance and you'll see that she's not your forever girl, you're not her forever guy. She's probably much more than that, but you just don't know it yet.

 

And yeah, I love the irony, too. It's dark. Very dark. Who needs a happy ending when you can have this? First true love the way it's supposed to be -- at least for a guy like you.

 

The take away? idk. dont play with serious relationships. dont doubt the power of love. It would be reasurring to know that **** like this is out there in the world. at least if I thought a guy like me could find it again. I cant even get it up for other girls now. its not the same.

 

Ive been out on my own since I was thirteen years old. but even before that i never really had a home. never even felt like I had anything resembling a family before my sister was born. and this will sound crazy but... Its why I joined the army. why volunteered for the most dangerous job I could find. always thought that somewhere out there there is a guy with a real HOME, wife that loves him, freinds that idolize him, children that adore him and doing a job thats going to get him killed, and if i took his place and take that risk for him, it might make up for all the horrible things I've let happen in my life.

 

but with her, in that room, in her bed... for the first time in my life I felt like I was finally at home. or at least it was the closest I've ever gotten to it. The Army defines the man that I am today. down to the fiber of my being it is who I am. but if she had ever at ANY point in our relationship jumped in my jeep and said "lets run away to mexico" I'd be on the beach sipping a fohita next to her right now. I'd still do if she popped in and did it now. no questions asked.

[NSDNQ]

well apperently shes now in love with some freind she known since the 8th grade or whatever and shes driving down to kentucky to see him on june 25th. her birthday is in nine days. been NC for four. desperatley fighting the urge to call her up and say happy birthday but Im not sure if its been long enough. on the other hand she might feel hurt if i dont.

[Graceful]

well apperently shes now in love with some freind she known since the 8th grade or whatever and shes driving down to kentucky to see him on june 25th. her birthday is in nine days. been NC for four. desperatley fighting the urge to call her up and say happy birthday but Im not sure if its been long enough. on the other hand she might feel hurt if i dont.

 

Your breakup was 3 months ago, yet you've been constantly in touch and you said that you always end up fighting. So what's the point? You're in a very obsessive situation, and it's not healthy. Seems like the two of you are in a love/hate mentality, where both of you have hurt the others' feelings beyond repair. Not only that, but you're constantly trying to hurt each other despite what seems to be this underlying obsession to be together.

 

How old is she? She seems to have a lot of living she needs to do before she settles down. She's just not ready any type of commitment.

 

Of course it hasn't been long enough. You still have no perspective on the situation, and she's going to see another guy (and you would not know this if you were NC at this point, you know that).

 

So what's it gonna be? You seem to have a great deal of unfinished business with your ex --- but don't we all?

 

Is this the first time you've really talked about your relationship in this type of detail? First time you've written about it? Your situation has this haunting quality. Absolutely haunting.

[NSDNQ]

Your breakup was 3 months ago, yet you've been constantly in touch and you said that you always end up fighting. So what's the point? You're in a very obsessive situation, and it's not healthy. Seems like the two of you are in a love/hate mentality, where both of you have hurt the others' feelings beyond repair. Not only that, but you're constantly trying to hurt each other despite what seems to be this underlying obsession to be together.

 

How old is she? She seems to have a lot of living she needs to do before she settles down. She's just not ready any type of commitment.

 

Of course it hasn't been long enough. You still have no perspective on the situation, and she's going to see another guy (and you would not know this if you were NC at this point, you know that).

 

So what's it gonna be? You seem to have a great deal of unfinished business with your ex --- but don't we all?

 

Is this the first time you've really talked about your relationship in this type of detail? First time you've written about it? Your situation has this haunting quality. Absolutely haunting.

 

shes one year younger than me, she'll be 18 in 9 days.

 

I've tried talking to my commanding officer and a few NCO's in my platoon that I trust. the standard response is "she's a slut get over it, matter fact... alpha team! toooo the strip club!"

 

which hasnt really helped.

 

Never needed to tie her down to be happy. just wanted to do amazing things with her. take her cliff diving, go to the beach, show her california.

 

just wanted to make unforgettable memories with her. I knew we would from the start, that much was obvious. unfortunately while we did make really superb ones, theres alot I wish I could forget.

 

when I got my commanding officer to actually sit down and listen the conversation pretty much went like this:

 

him: I see this **** all the time man, buck private and his high school sweet heart get torn apart by the uniform. its a hard life man. you just got to get your act together. she worked a number on you. your a laibility to the team like this and I cant have that. forget about her. we'll help ya get through this. call that girl benson hooked you up with, she got tits bigger then my head.

 

Me: Sir I understand what your saying, but its not like that. its not just some highschool ****. its the same genus but its a whole different species. I can still do my job dont worry about that.

 

Him: drink your god damned drink and call the girl

 

Me: yes sir.

 

when I'm plastered its allmost like I'm happy again. but when i wake up the next morning I just want to lay there until I rot. thats a dangerous road I know all to well. I cant live like that.

Edited May 16, 2011 by NSDNQ

[NSDNQ]

I do realize that I'm obsessing over her and its not healthy. not sure how to fix that. maybe the difference is just more dramatic to me. I shut everyone out, but I let her in. so when she left it was like being completely alone in a crowded room.

 

for normal people who have normal lives when they get dumped I guess it doesnt feel like you've lost everyone and everything. just like they lost a part of themselves is how I hear them describe it.

 

for me it felt like I lost life itself. like I was a dead body with a pulse.

 

I dont believe its beyond repair. honestly.

I know its going to be a long time before the window of opportunity opens up. but someday I will see her again. we're drawn together like that. she might not want a relationship and as much as part of me never wants to see her again... its not going to work like that. neither of us can prevent that.

 

if theres one thing I can count on its that the chemistry wont die. not for a very long time. if a normal relationship is like a fire our's was like an atomic bomb. the landscape will be on fire for years.

[dng]

for normal people who have normal lives when they get dumped I guess it doesnt feel like you've lost everyone and everything. just like they lost a part of themselves is how I hear them describe it.

 

What you call normal people - I think you mean people with families and close ones. I dont have neither either and she was it, my family, so if I'm getting you correctly, I can relate.

 

I think that's what you are getting at without fully realizing it yet.

 

I don't know what to advise because I'm at almost a year after the breakup and I still think of her all the time. What's gonna happen to her, what's gonna happen to me, etc.

 

However, I'm really resolved to it being over. No amount of anything would ever convince me to expose myself to such a devastating loss again. I avoid her like the plague. Even tho I still feel so much for her, I tell her to leave me alone and go die in a fire whenever she tries to contact me because I need her to leave me alone if I'm going to survive. I feel rotten for it.

 

I'd rather spend the rest of my life working on myself, studying and helping people than to ever be in a situation like that, ever again.

[NSDNQ]

What you call normal people - I think you mean people with families and close ones. I dont have neither either and she was it, my family, so if I'm getting you correctly, I can relate.

 

I think that's what you are getting at without fully realizing it yet.

 

I don't know what to advise because I'm at almost a year after the breakup and I still think of her all the time. What's gonna happen to her, what's gonna happen to me, etc.

 

However, I'm really resolved to it being over. No amount of anything would ever convince me to expose myself to such a devastating loss again. I avoid her like the plague. Even tho I still feel so much for her, I tell her to leave me alone and go die in a fire whenever she tries to contact me because I need her to leave me alone if I'm going to survive. I feel rotten for it.

 

I'd rather spend the rest of my life working on myself, studying and helping people than to ever be in a situation like that, ever again.

 

wish I could do that. wish I could just better myself and never see her again. But heres the thing. where like two magnets. we are either being pushed apart when its North/North or uncontrollably pulled together when its North/South. and even though distance might lessen the effect it doesnt stop. its always there. has been since the first time I've layed eyes on her and will be until the day we die.

[dng]

wish I could do that. wish I could just better myself and never see her again. But heres the thing. where like two magnets. we are either being pushed apart when its North/North or uncontrollably pulled together when its North/South. and even though distance might lessen the effect it doesnt stop. its always there. has been since the first time I've layed eyes on her and will be until the day we die.

 

It was like that for us too. Eventually, with enough betrayals and time and distance... She moved away... I made the decision to either cut her out or not survive the breakup.

 

Allow yourself a way out, brother.

[Graceful]

Just trying to figure this out with you because your original post was more like a story than a description of your breakup with the kind of details most people tell.

 

That's why it's so haunting to me, it's as though you're working off of a different type of canvas than many people do.

 

I do realize that I'm obsessing over her and its not healthy. not sure how to fix that. maybe the difference is just more dramatic to me. I shut everyone out, but I let her in. so when she left it was like being completely alone in a crowded room.

Well, now that you've said your ages, that plays into it as well. But you said so yourself in your post, being with her was the first time you really felt a sense of "home", a sense of peace, for the first time in your life. So that has to factor in to why you can't let go, why she means so much to you.

 

You exude this feeling that you were always a drifter before that, and maybe you still are in one sense, but the Army gives you that sense of being on more solid ground. Yet, then there's that whole emotional side that doesn't fit the military template, you know?

 

for normal people who have normal lives when they get dumped I guess it doesnt feel like you've lost everyone and everything. just like they lost a part of themselves is how I hear them describe it.

That's profound, you know, and that's why your story is so poignant. But don't assume that even people with families have support from their families or even their friends. I've had friends who have moved a thousand miles to get away from their families. It happens. Yet, I can see your point very clearly, and hear you.

 

Right now, while your world is still spinning, you need something to hold onto, and I think it's natural for you to still hold onto her, and the belief you might be together again some day. Nothing wrong with that, necessarily ... except that it will hurt you along the way, and you need to be prepared for that.

 

You're very complex, and you may need to consider getting some help at some point, by seeing a counselor. You have a lot of anger (obviously, if you're fighting with someone you love all the time) that you need to release and understand. You don't know how deeply you are hurting your ex with that anger. You need to make yourself accountable.

 

if theres one thing I can count on its that the chemistry wont die. not for a very long time. if a normal relationship is like a fire our's was like an atomic bomb. the landscape will be on fire for years.

Well, all relationships, healthy ones, get better with age and time. That's what you shoot for. Time will tell, right?

 

BTW, I really liked the way you answered my question about the take away from all this:

 

The take away? idk. dont play with serious relationships. dont doubt the power of love. It would be reasurring to know that **** like this is out there in the world. at least if I thought a guy like me could find it again.

Nice, real nice. Seems your ex opened your eyes to something you never knew before, and never knew you could have. You're deeply attached to this girl and I can see why. But for now, distance might be the best thing for you.

[NSDNQ]

Just trying to figure this out with you because your original post was more like a story than a description of your breakup with the kind of details most people tell.

 

That's why it's so haunting to me, it's as though you're working off of a different type of canvas than many people do.

 

Well, now that you've said your ages, that plays into it as well. But you said so yourself in your post, being with her was the first time you really felt a sense of "home", a sense of peace, for the first time in your life. So that has to factor in to why you can't let go, why she means so much to you.

 

You exude this feeling that you were always a drifter before that, and maybe you still are in one sense, but the Army gives you that sense of being on more solid ground. Yet, then there's that whole emotional side that doesn't fit the military template, you know?

 

That's profound, you know, and that's why your story is so poignant. But don't assume that even people with families have support from their families or even their friends. I've had friends who have moved a thousand miles to get away from their families. It happens. Yet, I can see your point very clearly, and hear you.

 

Right now, while your world is still spinning, you need something to hold onto, and I think it's natural for you to still hold onto her, and the belief you might be together again some day. Nothing wrong with that, necessarily ... except that it will hurt you along the way, and you need to be prepared for that.

 

You're very complex, and you may need to consider getting some help at some point, by seeing a counselor. You have a lot of anger (obviously, if you're fighting with someone you love all the time) that you need to release and understand. You don't know how deeply you are hurting your ex with that anger. You need to make yourself accountable.

 

Well, all relationships, healthy ones, get better with age and time. That's what you shoot for. Time will tell, right?

 

BTW, I really liked the way you answered my question about the take away from all this:

 

Nice, real nice. Seems your ex opened your eyes to something you never knew before, and never knew you could have. You're deeply attached to this girl and I can see why. But for now, distance might be the best thing for you.

 

I agree. I need distance from her, for now at the very least. Im still obsessing with her. that was her biggest turn off. that I needed her so much. she knew the day would come when we had to go our seperate ways so me needing her so intensely always scared her. not for her sake but mine.

 

untill I can go back to having the cool confidence I approach most things in my life with we cant be together. might as well stick our hands in scolding water.

 

and yes I am a very angry person. I try not to be. Its a genetic trait I get from my father. He was a very voilent man. I was always a trouble maker but just in the mischevous childish way. I was actually a bit of a pussy. cried when people squashed bugs and crap. going homeless in the winter at 13 beat that out of me. made me alot more like him then I prefer to admit.

 

I never hit her. when we had that huge fight I slammed my fist through the wall and flipped a table across the room. but I would never touch her in anger. never. seeing her get a paper cut makes me cringe. im not capable of that.

 

being angry kept me alive for a long time. so its hard to let go of. but I have to figure out a way. I've learned to control it in every other aspect of my life. but for some reason when we fight I cant control my breathing and walk away. its like something takes over me. I cant explain it. until I get that part taken care of breaking NC would be completely pointless.

[NSDNQ]

but counseling is out of the question. my chain of command gets wind of me seing a shrink and that will publicy bring my mental stability into question. that means mountians of paperwork and possibly getting a section 8. The Army is all I have left asside from my sister. I cant afford to lose that.

[Graceful]

but counseling is out of the question. my chain of command gets wind of me seing a shrink and that will publicy bring my mental stability into question. that means mountians of paperwork and possibly getting a section 8. The Army is all I have left asside from my sister. I cant afford to lose that.

It's kind of a disgrace that the military would be like this, of all places, we need our military to have the mental strength to do their jobs, and there is no shame in needing counseling to sort out issues. I understand the pressure you're under with that, and while I think it is shameful, it's not your fault.

 

I'm still impressed with your self-awareness regarding your anger. You know, it's just going to be very difficult for you to learn to manage it, understand it, own it, and be accountable for it on your own. As you said, you've lived your life around it, anger was a survival tool for you.

 

Listen for a sec, okay? Anger is a valid emotion, and we all feel it. But it's not meant to be a permanent state of mind and it's not healthy. Anger has a purpose, it crops up at times for all of us, it should serve a purpose, run its course, and dissipate. When it lingers, the way it does for you, you already know it's a problem.

 

You've got deep seeded anger that probably stems from so many issues in your life, partly due to not even having a proper childhood, not having a support system, and having to grow up too fast and live in an adult world where you had to sink or swim. You've said you did things you weren't proud of in the past, and I'm sure you're angry with yourself about some of that, and while you would be able to forgive yourself over time, you'd need to talk about all of that so you could let it go.

 

I can see this guy (you) who has these street smarts, wise beyond his years in many ways, but robbed of a childhood, so there's this confusion, along with a yearning to get and have what he never had. Maybe you're used to using anger in the past to survive and get what you needed, but not necessarily what you wanted? But you seem to have this yearning, and a big heart. Your father wasn't a good role model, yet you seem to take after him, and that's partly because he still made an impression on you, and yes, the personality trait, your tendency to be volatile, may be something you got from him.

 

and yes I am a very angry person. I try not to be. Its a genetic trait I get from my father. He was a very voilent man. I was always a trouble maker but just in the mischevous childish way. I was actually a bit of a pussy. cried when people squashed bugs and crap. going homeless in the winter at 13 beat that out of me. made me alot more like him then I prefer to admit.

See, but you know all this, you're not in denial about it. It's a matter of how you can help yourself and work on managing it. One basic thing you can do is google "anger management" and read up on some techniques and methods. That's going to help with behavior. Counseling is the part that will help you understand it, as you know, but you can at least address part of it.

 

There are lots of things in our behavior patterns that we have to manage, and handle, because they don't really go away, we have to learn to see the "triggers" so when they come up, there are steps to take to assuage the behavior that goes with the anger. You already know that when you get angry, your behavior is not appropriate, your ex didn't deserve any of it, but you acted out because you didn't know what else to do. It's like a bad habit, and I'll bet it makes you feel like crap afterward. How could it not? You don't want to treat someone you love in a way that turns them against you.

 

I never hit her. when we had that huge fight I slammed my fist through the wall and flipped a table across the room. but I would never touch her in anger. never. seeing her get a paper cut makes me cringe. im not capable of that.

Well, I know, honey, but still, you can't go around putting your fist through walls, that's just out of control, and I don't care what was going on, that's scary shizz, you know?

 

I've learned to control it in every other aspect of my life. but for some reason when we fight I cant control my breathing and walk away. its like something takes over me. I cant explain it. until I get that part taken care of breaking NC would be completely pointless.

Yeah, I'm with you on this. But here it is. I think part of the anger you express toward your ex is because you don't feel you have any control over her, you don't want her to abandon you, and your anger comes from this really insecure part of you that she tapped into when you fell in love. That insecurity makes you feel very uneasy. You also don't have a lot of experience communicating difficult emotions, with her, or with anyone else, due to your life experiences and the way your life has played out thus far. That's not going to get resolved overnight, now is it?

[NSDNQ]

It's kind of a disgrace that the military would be like this, of all places, we need our military to have the mental strength to do their jobs, and there is no shame in needing counseling to sort out issues. I understand the pressure you're under with that, and while I think it is shameful, it's not your fault.

 

I'm still impressed with your self-awareness regarding your anger. You know, it's just going to be very difficult for you to learn to manage it, understand it, own it, and be accountable for it on your own. As you said, you've lived your life around it, anger was a survival tool for you.

 

Listen for a sec, okay? Anger is a valid emotion, and we all feel it. But it's not meant to be a permanent state of mind and it's not healthy. Anger has a purpose, it crops up at times for all of us, it should serve a purpose, run its course, and dissipate. When it lingers, the way it does for you, you already know it's a problem.

 

You've got deep seeded anger that probably stems from so many issues in your life, partly due to not even having a proper childhood, not having a support system, and having to grow up too fast and live in an adult world where you had to sink or swim. You've said you did things you weren't proud of in the past, and I'm sure you're angry with yourself about some of that, and while you would be able to forgive yourself over time, you'd need to talk about all of that so you could let it go.

 

I can see this guy (you) who has these street smarts, wise beyond his years in many ways, but robbed of a childhood, so there's this confusion, along with a yearning to get and have what he never had. Maybe you're used to using anger in the past to survive and get what you needed, but not necessarily what you wanted? But you seem to have this yearning, and a big heart. Your father wasn't a good role model, yet you seem to take after him, and that's partly because he still made an impression on you, and yes, the personality trait, your tendency to be volatile, may be something you got from him.

 

See, but you know all this, you're not in denial about it. It's a matter of how you can help yourself and work on managing it. One basic thing you can do is google "anger management" and read up on some techniques and methods. That's going to help with behavior. Counseling is the part that will help you understand it, as you know, but you can at least address part of it.

 

There are lots of things in our behavior patterns that we have to manage, and handle, because they don't really go away, we have to learn to see the "triggers" so when they come up, there are steps to take to assuage the behavior that goes with the anger. You already know that when you get angry, your behavior is not appropriate, your ex didn't deserve any of it, but you acted out because you didn't know what else to do. It's like a bad habit, and I'll bet it makes you feel like crap afterward. How could it not? You don't want to treat someone you love in a way that turns them against you.

 

Well, I know, honey, but still, you can't go around putting your fist through walls, that's just out of control, and I don't care what was going on, that's scary shizz, you know?

 

Yeah, I'm with you on this. But here it is. I think part of the anger you express toward your ex is because you don't feel you have any control over her, you don't want her to abandon you, and your anger comes from this really insecure part of you that she tapped into when you fell in love. That insecurity makes you feel very uneasy. You also don't have a lot of experience communicating difficult emotions, with her, or with anyone else, due to your life experiences and the way your life has played out thus far. That's not going to get resolved overnight, now is it?

 

No. its not. I know I have to be patient.

today is 5days NC. the longest we've gone without talking since the day we met. she's posted some stuff on her facebook suggesting that shes missing me. which means shes thinking about me. so I guess thats a good sign.

 

and yes I'm aware I described the situation differently then most. If I simply came out and said "my ex cheated on me then dumped me when I got angry at her, and I still want her back" it really wouldnt have described the scope of the situation.

 

the schools made me go through anger management as a kid. maybe I could use a refesher course lol

[Graceful]

No. its not. I know I have to be patient.

today is 5days NC. the longest we've gone without talking since the day we met. she's posted some stuff on her facebook suggesting that shes missing me. which means shes thinking about me. so I guess thats a good sign.

Keep up the good work, and don't screw it up, okay? If you're looking at her FB page, that's not complete NC -- but if you can handle it, that's up to you.

 

and yes I'm aware I described the situation differently then most. If I simply came out and said "my ex cheated on me then dumped me when I got angry at her, and I still want her back" it really wouldnt have described the scope of the situation.

You have a flair for the dramatic, whether it's the way you live, or the way you write. That's all I am saying.

 

the schools made me go through anger management as a kid. maybe I could use a refesher course lol

Seriously? No, come on, you're kidding, right? Well, tell me the truth. You flunked. Or are you clever enough to have passed? Just teasing. You know all too well that if you don't get your temper under control, it will hold you back not only from your ex, but from other people and opportunities.

 

Now if you want to put your anger to good use? WRITE. You're good at it. Totally love it. Grace

[NSDNQ]

lol. well I dont really remember but at one point the school stopped mandating me to go there so I guess I passed.

 

the fb page is bitter sweet. sometimes the best blessing you can get is a curse. seen her post love songs for her new love interest and it completely tore me apart. but without it I'll never know if or when my window of opportunity might open. the thing that scares me the most is the more I see her post these things the less I genuinely want her. and thats ****ing terrifying becuase I honestly cant imagine living a life that she isnt a part of. even though im pretty much living it. strangely surreal. almost like something out of a kurt kobaine song.

 

feel like a pitbull thats been locked into a cage and thrown into a river.

 

yet oddly, everything on the outside is calm waters.

 

never quite experienced a state of mind like this before.

[NSDNQ]

broke NC via text

 

it pretty much went like this:

 

***

 

Me: you still have my book?

 

her: yes, I was gonna tell you but you told me not to contact you

 

me: yea, contact is a dangerous game with us. you want to drop it off or mail it.

 

her: I'll mail it in a few days or so.

 

me: okay

 

Her: goodbye luke

 

Me: oh. okay. I understand. goodbye saydee.

 

Her: um... okay

 

me: look, when I get angry I say and do things I dont mean. horrible things. you know this. you've seen my anger. I lost you not only as a lover but as a freind becuase of it. so I'm just saying that if you ever to find yourself wanting to talk I'm right here. thats all.

 

Her: I just cant take the lashings anymore

 

Me: you wont have to. you have my word. you can bank on that.

 

Her: thank you

 

Me: for?

 

Her: telling me all that.

 

Me: np. lol. and another thing. dont worry about me thinking your a cold hearted bitch like how you said earlier. you dont have to tell me you miss me to prove the contrary. I know you miss me. I know you love me. and I totally understand why you dont show it. Goodnight saydee

 

Her: goodnight luke.

 

***

 

a step in the right direction?

[Graceful]

Well, what's done is done. But you broke NC awfully soon.

 

My feeling is this: you really don't have your anger issues under control and it's clear that is now a deal breaker on her end. A dealbreaker, do you hear me?

 

So you cannot pay lip service to the idea that she has "your word" when you really don't know if you can back that up. You don't know that right now. You don't have a full handle on all the issues that get your ire up for reasons that have nothing to do with your ex.

 

The issues need to be resolved. Whether it's the fear of abandonment, the fear of rejection, the way you feel dependent on her that scares you, etc., you need to get those issues on the table, and understand them, own them, and stop allowing them to make you blow up.

 

See what I mean? How can you try to work on that? I have told you, start keeping a journal, and writing -- might be a start.

 

What do you think? Is this helping? What would help?

 

broke NC via text

 

it pretty much went like this:

 

***

 

Me: you still have my book?

 

her: yes, I was gonna tell you but you told me not to contact you

 

me: yea, contact is a dangerous game with us. you want to drop it off or mail it.

 

her: I'll mail it in a few days or so.

 

me: okay

 

Her: goodbye luke

 

Me: oh. okay. I understand. goodbye saydee.

 

Her: um... okay

 

me: look, when I get angry I say and do things I dont mean. horrible things. you know this. you've seen my anger. I lost you not only as a lover but as a freind becuase of it. so I'm just saying that if you ever to find yourself wanting to talk I'm right here. thats all.

 

Her: I just cant take the lashings anymore

 

Me: you wont have to. you have my word. you can bank on that.

 

Her: thank you

 

Me: for?

 

Her: telling me all that.

 

Me: np. lol. and another thing. dont worry about me thinking your a cold hearted bitch like how you said earlier. you dont have to tell me you miss me to prove the contrary. I know you miss me. I know you love me. and I totally understand why you dont show it. Goodnight saydee

 

Her: goodnight luke.

 

***

 

a step in the right direction?

[NSDNQ]

I know. I know.

 

the last time we spoke I told her to never speak to me again and I just kept thinking "what if"

 

even though I dont have it under controll yet I needed her to know she wouldnt have to deal with that anymore.

 

maybe I should have just not said anything.

 

its harder not to text her now that i broke NC

 

talking with you really helps. idk what else to write after I say my peace on here. least not until I start breaking down again.

Edited May 18, 2011 by NSDNQ

[NSDNQ]

her freind contacted me today about unrelated small talk. not sure whether to respond.