It didn't work when she had a bf. Any chance it will work now that they broke up?

[que]

I met this girl almost three years ago. We pretty much hit it off right away and became good friends. When we met, she was in a long distance relationship with boyfriend of over two years. I liked her but knew she was unavailable. What comes after seems very predictable... I fell for head over heels for her. At the same time, I met her boyfriend and he was perfect for her. I wanted to hate him, but couldn't.

 

(I should put a disclaimer here that I know I will probably be criticized for abusing alcohol in the upcoming stories... I don't drink as often or as much anymore; I have a job and I hate being hungover and making bad decisions. In college I drank too much, and even though these stories continue into the present, she is the only girl I drink with).

 

Back to the story... Over the course of the summer, we hung out quite a few times... Usually partying, etc... We both started acting weird around each other. People who watched us interact suggested I ask her out, but I always responded that she had a bf. Then one night, we were both blackout drunk (as in I don't remember it, I've been told what happened), everyone thought we were going to "do stuff". We were sitting really close to each other, holding hands, etc. Apparently neither of us really realized, but when we did it was a bit awkward.

 

We made excuses to hang out together. We usually ended up drunk. I always at least kind of tried to hide the fact that I liked her. It usual ended with me saying something mean to her and her ending up really hurt. If she did anything similar to me, I'd call her out and she'd desperately apologize. One night she sent multiple friends to apologize to me for her, since she didn't think I really accepted her apology. She also talked about her boyfriend much less. Whenever anyone met us when we were together, they almost without fail thought we were dating.

 

I decided it was a bad situation. We were both getting hurt, and I cared about this girl tremendously. So when college started back up and we were at a friend's party, I told her how I felt. We were both trashed and I barely remember any of this... But she was mad... My friend and I talked about it. I explained to him my position. He said he had talked to her, and she considered us to be very, very close friends. That would lead me to believe I didn't ever have a chance. But then he added that normally he would encourage me, but her boyfriend is awesome and I shouldn't mess with a relationship that great. And he said that he knows its hard, because I'm the type of guy she would totally go out with. Which led me to believe maybe he thought she did have feelings.

 

Over the course of that final year in college, we still hung out, etc. It was usually not quite the same as it was before. The one time she got really trashed and explained to me that she was really hoping our friendship could last forever/past college. I also pretty much told her I would try very hard not to hit on her (though often that just made situations uncomfortable, since I basically talk to girls by hitting on them). In any case, people still sometimes asked if we were dating, it was just less frequent.

 

Awhile later I got a girlfriend. They didn't really like each other that much. This girl thought my gf was a prude and wrong for me... She was, of course right. When I hung out with this girl, I would be trying really hard not to hit on her, but sometimes she would still feel compelled to add: "*you have a girlfriend*!" after things I would say to her. Every now and then I would also make very honest remarks about my flaws, too. For example, I admitted to trying drugs in the past, but I never really glorified what I did. Mostly I was embarrassed. I just figured it could help get rid of any sexual tension there might be/make her less attracted to me.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up when I moved away after college, but this girl moved to the same (big) city for work. We would hang out sometimes. The first time, we went to dinner. The waitress very clearly thought it was a date. Both of us kind of awkwardly ignored that that was going on, and didn't mention it to each other or the waitress. Then we met at a party and drunkenly talked to each other a lot. We met again the next week at another party. She is very touchy feely and would do things like grab my legs and talk about how strong they were, because she knows that I work out and am sensitive about people not noticing.

 

In any case, she always made sure that when we met up after this stuff, that either her boyfriend or my roommate came along so that it wouldn't just be the two of us for dinner. We would always plan ahead etc. She never mentioned why, but I figured it was because she didn't want it to be romantic or whatnot. Which was fine with me. I had spent months getting used to the idea that I could never have her, etc. Because who breaks up after 5 years?

 

Apparently, her boyfriend does. They just broke up. She hasn't mentioned it to me yet; I found out from him. We normally text like once or twice a month to plan to meet up (or say hi), but it seemed like she was doing it more (I didn't know they had broken up at that point). She also did things like text me that she was in the same suburb that I was in if we wanted to hang out on that (Friday) night... (I'm assuming that meant go to the bar). I thought that was weird. I was out of town so it didn't happen, though. Then when we planned what to do this time, she agreed to go play trivia with me for something exciting, and didn't tell me to ask my roommate like she always does. I know that's not too big of a deal, though.

 

The problem that I have now is that I was just getting used to the idea of not having a chance with her, because she had a boyfriend... I always told myself that under different circumstances, maybe something could have happened, but in this life there was no chance. That has all change now, and a flood of emotions have come back...

 

What should I do? She deserves me as a friend, not someone to swoop in to fill the void of her bf. And she has me as that no matter what. But eventually, I might like to be more than friends. Could that maybe be possible? What should I do???

 

I should also add that almost every guy who likes "cute" girls rather than "hot" girls has had a bit of a crush on this girl at one point or another. She's very good looking and has a really lovable personality. At one point, someone referred to her as everybody's "favorite". So she won't have any shortage of offers in the future... I'm not amazing looking but not ugly either. Personality wise we are both kind of awkward.

 

Thanks for bearing through such an obscenely long post!

[que]

Shorter Version (I'd love any advice!!!)

 

Met girl with long term bf. Fell for her--we were hitting on each other all the time and such... it wasn't just me; everyone around us thought we were either going out or going to at least have a one night stand.

She would take my feelings WAAAAAY to seriously...even though I would say mean things to her (which would make her upset), she would get sad if I criticized her for criticizing me.

I told her drunkenly how I felt--she got mad; but idk what I said exactly... it might have been offensive.

That was ~1.5 yrs ago.

 

We still hang out. We did a couple one on one dinners but that was awkward b/c the servers always thought we were dating. So she started bringing her bf and/or having me bring my roommate. She never said that was why but I know it was.

 

Then they broke up. All the sudden she's down with dinner alone. And she wants to hang out on weekends... etc. etc.

 

If you just read a random paragraph from the OP maybe you could give me some tips? I think at least a little detail is important! Thanks!

[SpiralOut]

It sounds like you were kind of a jerk to her while she had her boyfriend. Did you at any point apologize to her for that? If you haven't done that yet, then I think that's a good place to start. This is partly because you do owe her one, but also because it might open up some dialogue about how you both felt about each other back then etc.

 

As for what to do, she is probably aware that you like her and she must not mind too much or else she would not be down for dinner alone. I say hang out with her and see what happens. But don't push for anything. Just see how she acts around you.

[princess xena]

Beware the rebound syndrome!! You are familiar and comfortable to her, and she may want to soothe a hurt ego. If you really care for her, and want a true shot, do not let a drunken ONS to happen. Good Luck.

[que]

It sounds like you were kind of a jerk to her while she had her boyfriend. Did you at any point apologize to her for that? If you haven't done that yet, then I think that's a good place to start. This is partly because you do owe her one, but also because it might open up some dialogue about how you both felt about each other back then etc.

 

As for what to do, she is probably aware that you like her and she must not mind too much or else she would not be down for dinner alone. I say hang out with her and see what happens. But don't push for anything. Just see how she acts around you.

 

I'm not sure if I apologized apologized, but I certainly have gone so far as to tell that I was going out of my way to not be so flirty with her. I also explained that if she didn't want anything, she would have to stop putting so much meaning on what I say and do.

 

She is well aware that I like her. I've put very minimal effort into hiding it, because I realize that when I do (or did, before I told her my feelings), I normally end up overcompensating and being mean. I still feel guilty about some of the things I've said to this day. As far as I'm concerned, she's put up with more in our friendship than anyone should have to. And she still clearly likes me, at minimum as a friend. Heck I'd say that's supporting evidence that she might like me as more than a friend to--because if she didn't, it probably wouldnt have been worth it to put up with me.