Advice on arguments...

[Jane]

I am twenty years old and soon to be married. My other half and I fight all the time, some arguments are easily settled and fade to nothing, other's get really out of hand, we both regret it, and the blame lies with us both but how do we stop it?

 

Is it that two people can be too different for each other? Can I please have some advice on how to have a calmer relationship and someones opinion on when you should get married, if you're determined and in love is that all that matter's?

[Tony T]

There are some schools of thought that feel that a relationship devoid of arguments, or one that is fairly tranquil, is not one that provides the basis for growth. By fighting fairly and by the rules, you get to know your partner better, you hopefully resolve some issues, and you have the joy of making up.

 

The important thing is prior to marriage you get help on conflict resolution so the fights don't get nasty and personal. Disagreements should be talked out, without raised voices and violence, just as a labor contract is negotiated. They should not contain personal attacks but rather advance feelings about the issues. There are fair and just ways of doing it. Learn them.

 

Right now in your life you are young and at a stage where you have energy to argue with some intensity. Later on, you won't and you won't have the interest in doing so either. You have to examine what you are arguing about. Are the topics important and in serious need of resolution? Are your arguments productive and do they lead to resolution of various issues? If you are arguing about petty, insignificant things, this can be a sign of anxiety or one or both of you may be following in the steps of parents who were very argumentative. You have to seriously explore this to see if you need counselling to work on this.

 

I have been married for a while and I have never had an argument with my wife, not even before we were married. We share a respect for each other's views, we do not consider it important or rewarding to be right, and we understand that each other is human. I disagree with her quite a bit but do not find it rewarding to argue with her because her opinions about most things do not seriously affect my life and I think she's entitled to them. Our day to day life goes quite smoothly. People are individuals and it is cruel and insane to even make an attempt at altering their personal thought process. You can make a case for your views...but that's about all...and hopefully in a rational, sane, calm way.

 

Many people from highly dysfunctional families where chaos ruled bring that with them throughout their lives and require counselling and intense work on themselves to break that chain. The only time I can recall raising my voice with a lady is when she became so intensely selfish that if she didn't change, I would terminate the relationship. But it lasted only a few minutes and I didn't consider it a fight or argument. I was merely letting her know emphatically how I felt in a way I hoped would get her to see herself better. (And I guess I was a bit pissed, too) On the other hand, many people who were raised to be very selfish will never see themselves that way.

 

A good case for low to moderate intensity arguments from time to time is that frustrations or feelings get exposed and vented. People who hold those inside for long periods are bound to blow up into violent attacks at some point...or to get a nervous breakdown. Expressing oneself is very important in a relationship. It's just how you do it.

 

I think you should celebrate your differences. If you were the same, there would be little reason for getting marriage. Part of the adventure of marriage is completing yourself, gaining in another person what may be lacking or in short supply in you, discovering more about the other person, learning more about the world. If you marry your psychological equivalent, your growth potential in the context of your marriage is more limited.

 

Now, if your mate is an alcoholic, abusive...or if arguments are about those things or the use of drugs, violence, his infidelity, or things like that, I do hope you have the sense to get away and get away fast. So look closely at what you're fighting about. If they are things you simply cannot compromise on, such as the above, there is no good that could come of a marriage.

 

No, love is not all that matters. As a matter of fact, love is not nearly enough to sustain a relationship NO MATTER HOW DETERMINED YOU ARE. Ask the more than 50 percent of people who were madly in love at the time they go married but who are divorced now. Romantic love is a chemical reaction which occurs simultaneously in two brains that draws two people together initially. If there is not: caring, commitment, communication, shared goals, shared views about money (how to make it, how to spend it, save it, invest it); shared views about children (how many, when to have them, how to raise them, etc.) open mindedness; a forgiving spirit; consideration; respect; shared views or respect for each other views on spirituality and religion; etc. etc..you cannot have a satisfactory marriage.

 

If the above are the things you are fighting about, it's best you get those ironed out securely well before you go down the isle. You have NO idea how many people get married and never even discuss most of the above beforehand. They honestly think that love will carry them through a lifetime. While love is wonderful, a big part of it has to be the practical part of day to day living (how unromantic).

 

But please get rid of the notion that love will singlehandedly take you through a lifetime relationship without some help. That's a terrible burden to put on one single emotion.