A ? for the older, divorced crowd...mostly the men!

[Sassygirl2]

I wanted to get some perspective from the older group of LS'ers on here. My ex bf walked away because some of the things I did reminded him of his exwife and he didn't want to put himself thru that again. (At least that's what he said.) Yes, I could see how a woman could remind a man of an ex in the heat of an argument or if she is moody and took things out on him. Many women get bitchy but a lot of men are able to roll with it. Many men are willing and able to work these things out with their women. I guess I don't understand why a man runs for the hills when things get rough.

 

Any thoughts?

[westernxer]

With experience many of us learn it's better to play it safe than avoid a repeat.

 

Compatibility can help us overcome this, but if it's not there then why push it?

Edited May 16, 2011 by westernxer

[oldguy]

He could be afraid if the marriage lasted awhile, the divorce was brutal, or was recent. A lot of times people repeatedly attract the same type of person over & over so you may be like his ex-wife. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or his ex wife. Or maybe he's just laying. How are you about this?

[Sassygirl2]

He could be afraid if the marriage lasted awhile, the divorce was brutal, or was recent. A lot of times people repeatedly attract the same type of person over & over so you may be like his ex-wife. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, or his ex wife. Or maybe he's just laying. How are you about this?

 

How am I about this? I'm assuming you are asking me if I'm ok. I was pretty devastated as we had plans to move out together and bought a dog together, etc. He really seems to not want anything to do with me and we are communicating by email about the dog. It's been a month and it still hurts but I am getting through it. Reminding myself that he wasn't the "end all, be all" of everything helps. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

[Eddie Edirol]

So you dont know how to control yourself eh?

 

Ill tell you what, if youre unreasonable when youre moody, and you take things out on your guy, youre gonna be lonely for a while if youre looking for a guy that wants to put up with that nonsense. I suggest you learn how to stop doing that rather than feeling that someone needs to "put up" with you. No one wants to live with a person that is that much of a hassle.

[Sassygirl2]

So you dont know how to control yourself eh?

 

Ill tell you what, if youre unreasonable when youre moody, and you take things out on your guy, youre gonna be lonely for a while if youre looking for a guy that wants to put up with that nonsense. I suggest you learn how to stop doing that rather than feeling that someone needs to "put up" with you. No one wants to live with a person that is that much of a hassle.

 

Thanks for that supportive post. I am not an unreasonable person. I was very good to this man. Yes, I had times when I was moody but so did he. It's human nature. No one can say they haven't taken something out on those they love before. If you haven't, then please tell me your secret!

[Eddie Edirol]

Thanks for that supportive post. I am not an unreasonable person. I was very good to this man. Yes, I had times when I was moody but so did he. It's human nature. No one can say they haven't taken something out on those they love before. If you haven't, then please tell me your secret!

 

I did it once, and I didnt do it after that, and I never blamed anyone else for it but me. I took responsibility and learned from it. Ive practiced breathing when Im angry if i feel the urge to lash out at a loved one. Why? because its the right thing to do, and the decent thing to do. I take a breath and realize that Im only annoyed at them because im annoyed in general, and it has nothing to do with them. When youre mad, anything someone near you does is a reason for you to get riled up, but you dont do it. And if they are moody, and take it out on you, you talk to them about it and try to solve that problem. if they dont want to do something about it, you leave. You dont wait till you get attached and then try to solve problems, and then say you cant leave because youre too attached.

 

You never once in your original post said that you wanted tofind a way to stop taking things out on your lover, or avoid bieng moody, you just wanted someone to take it. Thats not reasonable, and thats too much to ask of anyone.

[Sassygirl2]

That's a great point Edie. If you go back and read my story you will see that I have taken responsibility for my actions and asked for help. I lost someone I loved a lot because of my behavior and that is not OK. It's unacceptable. I also told him this several times. I wrote a hand written apology. Brought flowers with an apology, etc. Asked for a chance to fix things and make it right but he said no. He wouldn't even talk about it with me. I asked him why he didn't say something when he felt I was taking things out on him and he said he did. I must have not seen it because I was too rapped up in my own anger. That's why I asked the original question on this post to see if other men wouldn't have given their ex a chance. His ex wife did a number on him and I think he didn't want to go down that road again. I promised to fix things but he said no. I have had to accept that I blew it big time. I know I will never do this again and have been taking steps to get to the root of my problems. I appreciate your insight.

 

Would you like me to send you the link to my original post 4 weeks ago?

[willowthewisp]

Why would a man/person run for the hills when things get rough? Well, sometimes there is not a legitimate reason (l don't know if there is here or not), but the fact he already walked from one marriage should be a heads up to you. If he was the walk away, he didn't deal with the issues in his marriage, so why would he deal with the issues with you? In other words he hasn't learnt anything.

 

Whilst he may tell you that his wife did a number on him, there are always two sides to every story. I have a friend who went through this, ex went on about how his XW was a super psycho etc, 7 years later he is abusing her mentally and she finally sees the light. A couple of years later she contacted the XW and had a chat, turns out neither women were the problem, the common denominator was the ex, HIS issues.

 

So, be honest with yourself, did you do something you should work on? Ask what he said about his divorce, did he leave, did she, was it amicable, did they do MC etc? Figure it out from there.

[Sassygirl2]

That's really insightful Willow. Thank you. Now that I look at it, he did leave his marriage and he didn't try to make it work. I actually thought of talking to his exW about him at some point. She and I get along well and our kids go to the same school. I didn't want to do it now though. I would wait awhile if I ever do. I thought he was a caring guy and "in touch" with his feelings because he would cry at movies and when he watched his kids perform or something for school. I guess that doesn't mean a man is good with emotions in all his relationships. The thing that bothers me is he made me out to be the bad guy when I was just really frustrated that I wasn't getting his attention. I kept saying that and he would pull back even further. Anyway, there isn't anything I can do now but accept that it's over and it was probably for the best.

[Tayla]

Sassy, Right now that is his perspective , and for you I admire how you are taking this. Its not easy when you are in essence compared with a bad experience from a persons' PAST. Oddly people do run from those very things (experiences) or CLING to them. This gent seems to have disassociated and forgotten we are each unique individuals that do carry certain commonalities we also have the ability to learn from our mistakes. Sounds like you really did put your best foot forward in making amends. He just wasn't accepting of that.

 

In due time you will both have a clearer vision of what happened. I pray you gain much strength to recover from this and know that you are doing what is good for yourself...Heal .

[Eddie Edirol]

That's a great point Edie. If you go back and read my story you will see that I have taken responsibility for my actions and asked for help. I lost someone I loved a lot because of my behavior and that is not OK. It's unacceptable. I also told him this several times. I wrote a hand written apology. Brought flowers with an apology, etc. Asked for a chance to fix things and make it right but he said no. He wouldn't even talk about it with me. I asked him why he didn't say something when he felt I was taking things out on him and he said he did. I must have not seen it because I was too rapped up in my own anger. That's why I asked the original question on this post to see if other men wouldn't have given their ex a chance. His ex wife did a number on him and I think he didn't want to go down that road again. I promised to fix things but he said no. I have had to accept that I blew it big time. I know I will never do this again and have been taking steps to get to the root of my problems. I appreciate your insight.

 

Would you like me to send you the link to my original post 4 weeks ago?

 

Yeah see if he actually said something to you while you were wrapped up in your own anger, and you didnt hear him, he might have figured (from his first wife) that there isnt any point of trying to change you and that was how you were. At that point, hes turned off. Once you get turned off, and you decide you are giving up investing in the relationship, you arent interested in fixing it. So if he didnt approach you about it while you werent angry, thats why, he gave up. So by the time he ended it, and you said you wanted to work on it, it was waaaay too late, he checked out months before.

 

So you have to either make sure you dont act this way again, or you have to acknowledge that you want to fix the problem when he brings it up, or you will chip away at the next guys attraction to you.

 

Put it this way, for a guy to stick with you, you have to avoid this for years. if you start this just a few months in before a guy is fully invested, they aint stickin around. Too much trouble. Plenty of women out there that dont lash out. At least thats how I do it.

[Woggle]

When people have just gotten out of a horrible relationship they love the peace and lack of drama and that is especially true for men. For the first time in a long time he doesn't have to walk on eggshells or worry about starting WWIII if he says the wrong thing. When you show him anything that reminds him of that relationship he runs.

[Sassygirl2]

Yeah see if he actually said something to you while you were wrapped up in your own anger, and you didnt hear him, he might have figured (from his first wife) that there isnt any point of trying to change you and that was how you were. At that point, hes turned off. Once you get turned off, and you decide you are giving up investing in the relationship, you arent interested in fixing it. So if he didnt approach you about it while you werent angry, thats why, he gave up. So by the time he ended it, and you said you wanted to work on it, it was waaaay too late, he checked out months before.

 

So you have to either make sure you dont act this way again, or you have to acknowledge that you want to fix the problem when he brings it up, or you will chip away at the next guys attraction to you.

 

Put it this way, for a guy to stick with you, you have to avoid this for years. if you start this just a few months in before a guy is fully invested, they aint stickin around. Too much trouble. Plenty of women out there that dont lash out. At least thats how I do it.

 

Thanks for the advice. This makes a lot of sense and yes, I can see how this happened with our relationship.

 

I asked him if there was a chance in the future for us and he said he couldn't say because he doesn't know what will happen in the future. I took this as a possible "yes" if I could get my act together. But the bummer thing about it is, that now, after one month, I've been trying to focus on the negative things about the relationship and now I don't think I would want to be with him anyway.

[Sassygirl2]

When people have just gotten out of a horrible relationship they love the peace and lack of drama and that is especially true for men. For the first time in a long time he doesn't have to walk on eggshells or worry about starting WWIII if he says the wrong thing. When you show him anything that reminds him of that relationship he runs.

 

This is true for women too. I actually felt a sense of reflief the other day and that was because I didn't have to call anyone to find out if he was coming over or I was going there. Weird. I still miss him like crazy though.

[Sassygirl2]

Sassy, Right now that is his perspective , and for you I admire how you are taking this. Its not easy when you are in essence compared with a bad experience from a persons' PAST. Oddly people do run from those very things (experiences) or CLING to them. This gent seems to have disassociated and forgotten we are each unique individuals that do carry certain commonalities we also have the ability to learn from our mistakes. Sounds like you really did put your best foot forward in making amends. He just wasn't accepting of that.

 

In due time you will both have a clearer vision of what happened. I pray you gain much strength to recover from this and know that you are doing what is good for yourself...Heal .

 

Thank you Tayla.

[Kic]

Seeing your anger may be a trigger for him. Divorced people can have all kinds of triggers that remind them of their past ex. When a trigger happens, he cannot help but think of his ex, and it makes sense that there would be a temptation to compare his ex with you.

 

If his ex-wife's anger was a primary motivation for him to agree to a divorce, then he will be very sensitive to any other woman that exhibits similar anger. Once bitten, twice shy.

 

If getting angry in a similar way to his ex is an unchangeable part of your personality, then it may be better to find a man more tolerant of it.

[Eddie Edirol]

I asked him if there was a chance in the future for us and he said he couldn't say because he doesn't know what will happen in the future. I took this as a possible "yes" if I could get my act together. But the bummer thing about it is, that now, after one month, I've been trying to focus on the negative things about the relationship and now I don't think I would want to be with him anyway.

 

Sorry to say this, but unless he was the one who said "yes unless you get your act together..." He just said yes to get you to leave him alone. Its pretty commonplace around here. People wont outright say no because they are cowards. Hopefully he means it, but dont count on it. If you dont think you would want to be with him anyway, good for you. Start fresh with someone new.