NoIDidn't Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I agree with what East7 said. Its really hard to find the words to help a friend because you don't know what would make them feel better often. I usually tell my friends to take care of themselves and that I am there if they need me. I also agree with Mimolicious! It IS interesting to read someone that doesn't find what often goes for "support" here as not being helpful. I think the "support" often offered here is because the "supporter" wants so badly for that thing to happen for them too. Its like a personal mantra that might come true if they say it enough. I don't think it makes for a good friendship when people are either trying to say what they think you want to hear, or saying what they wish you would say to them. OP, Rooke, I think you need to clarify that bet with your friend though. LOL. Too open-ended for you to get your money. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 To Mimo and NID, I'm a bit confused about the type of support you're referring to. I definitely see posts from the likes of WWIU, FO, JT, maybe Owl and others (and me too) saying 'he'll be in touch!'. Not at all because they think it's what the poster wants to happen, or because they're trying to give them hope about the R; but because - oftentimes - sooner or (much later) the AP resurfaces. And it's best the poster knows that and is prepared for it. Especially if they're hurting, or attempting to move on. Those posts are very different than what you'be mentioned, I think? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 To Mimo and NID, I'm a bit confused about the type of support you're referring to. I definitely see posts from the likes of WWIU, FO, JT, maybe Owl and others (and me too) saying 'he'll be in touch!'. Not at all because they think it's what the poster wants to happen, or because they're trying to give them hope about the R; but because - oftentimes - sooner or (much later) the AP resurfaces. And it's best the poster knows that and is prepared for it. Especially if they're hurting, or attempting to move on. Those posts are very different than what you'be mentioned, I think? The thing to remember too, his reasonings of getting back intouch. If a friend is saying "oh he'll call you, don't you worry!" that's implying that nothing has changed and life goes on, same old x2. If it's he'll call when D, that's different. Bolded part. Yep. Agree with that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 IME, friends are not often good advice about affairs situations. They either will tell you what you want to hear (he loves you, he will come back to you... ) or they will be on the other extreme (he is such an A**hole, f*** him" ) Neither of them is in your shoes or in the shoes of your MM. Every A situation is different, believe in your guts and in your own perception of the relationship. Anyway, don't ruin your friendship just because of a bad/stupid advice. I found that my friends were often at a different point in the cycle to me. Even my oldest friend who knows me best. Perhaps I was in a cynical phase, perhaps I was considering whether or not there was a future for us, whether I was doing the right thing in continuing. That would be when there'd be lots of encouragement about how perfect we are together, how I should have faith, how I would be daft to walk away after such an investment.... Then, I would get my thoughts together, decide on a short-term plan, feel positive about what happens in what situation, and my friends would say 'no, mug him off, I'd tell him where to go for good now, go and find someone else, forget him'. I always went with my instincts and not someone else's so although it didn't matter greatly it was a bit annoying! Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 To Mimo and NID, I'm a bit confused about the type of support you're referring to. I definitely see posts from the likes of WWIU, FO, JT, maybe Owl and others (and me too) saying 'he'll be in touch!'. Not at all because they think it's what the poster wants to happen, or because they're trying to give them hope about the R; but because - oftentimes - sooner or (much later) the AP resurfaces. And it's best the poster knows that and is prepared for it. Especially if they're hurting, or attempting to move on. Those posts are very different than what you'be mentioned, I think? I am confused at what your question really is. Were you even making one? Or perhaps you are not reading right. I never said what you are implying above. Besides, the OP is not talking about people on LS telling her this. She is talking about a friend in RL and she doesn't like the "support" this friend is giving her because is not helping her move on. Then, I said that it was funny to see someone not find this kind of advice supportive, we give it here all the time. So what's really different? Now, if you see my comments on the "side-bet" then you will see that I also believe in this part of your post. Not at all because they think it's what the poster wants to happen, or because they're trying to give them hope about the R; but because - oftentimes - sooner or (much later) the AP resurfaces. And it's best the poster knows that and is prepared for it. So not sure what you are ref to. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I agree with what East7 said. Its really hard to find the words to help a friend because you don't know what would make them feel better often. I usually tell my friends to take care of themselves and that I am there if they need me. I also agree with Mimolicious! It IS interesting to read someone that doesn't find what often goes for "support" here as not being helpful. I think the "support" often offered here is because the "supporter" wants so badly for that thing to happen for them too. Its like a personal mantra that might come true if they say it enough. I don't think it makes for a good friendship when people are either trying to say what they think you want to hear, or saying what they wish you would say to them. OP, Rooke, I think you need to clarify that bet with your friend though. LOL. Too open-ended for you to get your money. To be honest, at least in my personal life. I don't consider "support" someone that just yaps about shyte that I want to hear. I don't want to hear anything, as a matter of fact don't even speak at times, STAND by me, don't just run your mouth with words that go into thin air. Listen to me, hear me out, tell me black or white, not gray areas, elephant flyings, unicorns and butterfly about reality. Give it to me hard, in other words. That's who I am and that's how I rather get my "support" in RL. Cold served. The only thing with gloss are my lips and nails. I give the same in return (as ya'll can read lol!). Wishing or dreaming doesn't really get me further ahead, that's my formula and it works for me but it's not for everyone. There are softer minded people who need a more sensitive way of support. Those, I tend to take a chill-pill to deal with, I know, kind of bleak but "It is what it is"- at least in my world. Some have thank me in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I am confused at what your question really is. Were you even making one? Or perhaps you are not reading right. I never said what you are implying above. Besides, the OP is not talking about people on LS telling her this. She is talking about a friend in RL and she doesn't like the "support" this friend is giving her because is not helping her move on. Then, I said that it was funny to see someone not find this kind of advice supportive, we give it here all the time. So what's really different? Now, if you see my comments on the "side-bet" then you will see that I also believe in this part of your post. So not sure what you are ref to. What's really different? The pal seems to be saying 'oh he'll contact you, it'll be okay, he loves you, just wait! Betcha he'll be in touch'. Basically the friend seemed to be saying what she thought Rooke wanted to hear. That's a different approach entirely, to my mind, to posters here who are preparing someone for the likely challenges ahead, listing contact from the AP as one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 I agree with what East7 said. Its really hard to find the words to help a friend because you don't know what would make them feel better often. I usually tell my friends to take care of themselves and that I am there if they need me. I also agree with Mimolicious! It IS interesting to read someone that doesn't find what often goes for "support" here as not being helpful. I think the "support" often offered here is because the "supporter" wants so badly for that thing to happen for them too. Its like a personal mantra that might come true if they say it enough. I don't think it makes for a good friendship when people are either trying to say what they think you want to hear, or saying what they wish you would say to them. OP, Rooke, I think you need to clarify that bet with your friend though. LOL. Too open-ended for you to get your money. Oh I intend to! I've decided on six months! Link to post Share on other sites
vweb1218 Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 She probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings.. If you know you need to move on, tell her that and tell her you need her encouragement to do so. I'm sure if you tell her that she will listen and reverse her advice style to what you need! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 on a side note, the only way I could think of that this was a sure bet that you would win is if you had him tied up in a closet somewhere that he can never get out and see the light of day... But thats just my sick mind at play when wagering a bet with someone Next time the topic comes up , quickly say, ya know..I'm ready to move on...then do it. Talking about it doesn't do anything, but actions do. Nah if I win I want it to be fair and square! Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 What's really different? The pal seems to be saying 'oh he'll contact you, it'll be okay, he loves you, just wait! Betcha he'll be in touch'. Basically the friend seemed to be saying what she thought Rooke wanted to hear. That's a different approach entirely, to my mind, to posters here who are preparing someone for the likely challenges ahead, listing contact from the AP as one of them. And you do understand that I don't live in your mind, right? Let's agree to disagree. You have your mind and I have mine. Everyone happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 And you do understand that I don't live in your mind, right? Let's agree to disagree. You have your mind and I have mine. Everyone happy. Wowser!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Wowser!!! Nothing to be alarmed by and I was not being snappy either. You said "That's a different approach entirely, to my mind". That's YOUR mind though. Doesn't mean I have to think like you or have to discard my idea of something because YOUR mind has a different approach to it. The world is a bag of skittles. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Nah if I win I want it to be fair and square! BUT wait.... (LMAO!) Was there a specific form of communication on this debt? Like if he "Calls", "Emails", etc...?? (Don't kill me, LOL!) If he does contact you just to "see how you were holding up" and you brush him off, and don't rekindle communication, are you going to tell your friend? Just saying... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 BUT wait.... (LMAO!) Was there a specific form of communication on this debt? Like if he "Calls", "Emails", etc...?? (Don't kill me, LOL!) If he does contact you just to "see how you were holding up" and you brush him off, and don't rekindle communication, are you going to tell your friend? Just saying... No, communication is communication whatever form it comes in but I will fess up and cough up, if you bet and lose you gotta pay up! Same as the gamble I took with him in the first place, I lost and now I'm paying up! Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 No, communication is communication whatever form it comes in but I will fess up and cough up, if you bet and lose you gotta pay up! Same as the gamble I took with him in the first place, I lost and now I'm paying up! Sorry, meant to say "bet". I see, but you know, nowadays with 50 forms of communication. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Sorry, meant to say "bet". I see, but you know, nowadays with 50 forms of communication. Good luck! Thankyou I'll let you know how it turns out!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 The thing to remember too, his reasonings of getting back intouch. If a friend is saying "oh he'll call you, don't you worry!" that's implying that nothing has changed and life goes on, same old x2. If it's he'll call when D, that's different. Bolded part. Yep. Agree with that one. He won't be in touch in they get D. Not if it's because of me anyway, he always said that if that happened, he wouldn't ever come to me. If it's decide it's not working out and they get D then perhaps, (because clearly it's not working) but if it's all my fault, he'll resent me forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 He won't be in touch in they get D. Not if it's because of me anyway, he always said that if that happened, he wouldn't ever come to me. If it's decide it's not working out and they get D then perhaps, (because clearly it's not working) but if it's all my fault, he'll resent me forever. Oh my life. 'Your fault'. As if it could be YOUR fault. Does he take no responsibilty himself?! I hope they do work it out. I hope every M touched by infidelity - when the spouses decide to stay together - thrives and flourishes. I hope you win your bet and treat yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Share Posted May 17, 2011 Oh my life. 'Your fault'. As if it could be YOUR fault. Does he take no responsibilty himself?! I hope they do work it out. I hope every M touched by infidelity - when the spouses decide to stay together - thrives and flourishes. I hope you win your bet and treat yourself Absolutely none. I actually hope they don't work it out because she deserves better, he'll cheat again with somebody else and I believe he's cheated before me, if it's just once then I understand anyone can make a mistake, but she's found out three separate times in two years about us and he's put us both through hell, her probably more so than me. He'll never be able to put her first and I don't believe he'll ever change and if she forgives me, he takes that as a carte blance to continue his behaviour and he will, hence the reason he's always gotten back in touch. There's no better incentive for doing something again than getting away with it, it's like parking on double yellow lines, you'll take the risk and do it again and again until you finally get a parking ticket and when you do, you don't park there anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 To Mimo and NID, I'm a bit confused about the type of support you're referring to. I definitely see posts from the likes of WWIU, FO, JT, maybe Owl and others (and me too) saying 'he'll be in touch!'. Not at all because they think it's what the poster wants to happen, or because they're trying to give them hope about the R; but because - oftentimes - sooner or (much later) the AP resurfaces. And it's best the poster knows that and is prepared for it. Especially if they're hurting, or attempting to move on. Those posts are very different than what you'be mentioned, I think? I agree with Mimo again. It seems you don't understand what was meant by "he'll be back" when said by the friend, or other posters here. When its mentioned here, its never a warning to be prepared like you say you mean it. Its always an encouragement to keep waiting because he'll come back for "love". Rooke's friend wasn't warning her that he'll be back and she'll get hurt again. Her friend was telling her that he'll be back to love her again, just wait or him. And if she's hurting and trying to move on, telling her to wait for him isn't helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I agree with Mimo again. It seems you don't understand what was meant by "he'll be back" when said by the friend, or other posters here. When its mentioned here, its never a warning to be prepared like you say you mean it. Its always an encouragement to keep waiting because he'll come back for "love". When posters such as (and including) FO, Donna, JT etc post that the MM *will* be in touch again I have 100% confidence that they are NOT suggesting the OP hang in there for a bit more of the OW experience Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 When posters such as (and including) FO, Donna, JT etc post that the MM *will* be in touch again I have 100% confidence that they are NOT suggesting the OP hang in there for a bit more of the OW experience That's pretty good. Nice spin on my words. I don't think I've ever seen you admit that those posters were being helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 That's pretty good. Nice spin on my words. I don't think I've ever seen you admit that those posters were being helpful. No spin at all... Simply referring to what actually happens. It was those types of posts (and I've written similar) I was thinking of right from the off. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 No spin at all... Simply referring to what actually happens. It was those types of posts (and I've written similar) I was thinking of right from the off. Scenario 1: "Girl... You better gear up, because he will be calling you in no time. They normally do. Be strong". Scenario #2: "awww don't worry sweetpea, he'll be calling you in no time because he can't live without you and he loves you to pieces". Just because the word "CALLING YOU" is used in both scenarios, the message is not the same. SG- I don't think we were talking about the "Hopeful" message that sometimes is delivered here. Where is the mix up? Or am I just bugging? If there is a pattern, the MM will most likely call. Gear up OP. That's my message, if it wasn't clear enough before. Link to post Share on other sites
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