Really upset and frustrated w/ my marriage

[rjg96]

I've been married for a year now and find myself become more and more frustrated and upset with our relationship. I have shared some of my frustrations with my wife, and we attended a few marriage counseling, but there are many that I feel bad about even having, much less saying. I full realize that much of what I"m about ot write sounds callous, and selfish. I find that I can't even confide in my friends about most of this.

 

First the good: My wife is very sweet to me, and clearly loves me very much. She tells me how much she loves me everyday and how lucky she is to have me. She always encourages me to follow my dreams, is very supportive and does thoughtful things for me. In addition, she has a nice body and I am still quite attracted to her. So, what's the problem?

 

It just seems like my wife has some sort of issue that greatly upsets her or overwhelms her every day. SHe has a rocky relationship w/ her mom and dad as well as her stepbrothers and sisters. Her mom is quite odd, and her dad is pretty bad at keeping his promises/staying in touch. IN addition, there there is always some drama going on at her work, though she has now only working 3 days. Finally, she has several chronic ailments including asthma, anxiety, allergies, insomnia, back and neck pain related to jaw survey she had when she was a teenager, various stomach issues, bad bee-sting allergies. And, she feels deserted by several of her friends in the past year--one of whom wrote her an email "breaking up" with her. And, her attitude can be quite negative; she's always making comments about how rude or obnoxious people are. Or when we're at a restaurant that "its gone down hill" . Now, some of these things she has no control over and she was dealt a bum hand in life perhaps. Its just really hard as her husband to deal with her problems in one or more of these areas every day.

 

OVer and above that, we have perhaps the usual sex issues. I want it much more frequently but often her emotional or physical state precludes it. And, when we do, she won't let me do certain things and is basically very sensitive. Every few weeks I get frustrated and have an outburst about it, she gets upset and starts crying and I feel really bad.

 

Personally, I find myself thinking a lot about an ex, and a woman that i dated for a bit before I met my wife. IN addition, I am constantly noticing other women at work or on the street. I find myself upset and confused as to how and why I ended up married to my wife and guilty for even saying this. I started to feel a bit sorry for myself and am frustrated with the situation.

 

On top of all this, I find her personality and even the sound of her voice irritating much of the time (even when she's in a good mood). Plus, she had an infection that required large amounts of antibiotics when she was a baby and she has trouble with speech recall at times (though she is smart). So, you'll be talking to her and she'll just pause and then switch to another topic or forget what she was saying. The lack of fluidity in talking to her has also affected how I feel about her. And her sensitivity to sounds, light and smells a well as her extreme cleanliness add to the daily challenges.

 

It seems like to be with her I'm going to have accept atlas some of these things right? I know she has been to therapy in the past, and has worked on some of her issues. The other day she broke down and started crying saying she felt depressed and that she didn't deserve me. She feels like she should be on medication, but doesn't want to since she wants to have a baby.

 

I've been thinking a lot about divorce but:

 

-I feel like it would devastate her even more and she is feeling really low right now (on top of everything else her grandma is really sick). I think that if i started the breakup conversation all this stuff might come out and it would be horrible

-I feel like I won't do better (i've dated a fair amount of women, but have never been able to get dates with women I really like). I am good looking, smart, have good job, nice, etc. But perhaps I get too excited,anxious when I really like someone.

-I feel like i haven't given it enough time and that perhaps she'll outgrow some of these issues-maybe she's just in a rough spot. It's a big deal to give up on a marriage!

-I feel like I broke up with my ex (after 6 years of a long term relationship, but not married) when we had tensions that in retrospect seem so minor in comparison and should have stuck with it and worked things out.

- I know she really loves me and wants to be w/ me and that is rare to find.

-Perhaps doing more marriage counseling is the answer…but I feel like we'd only be able to work on a samll subset of these issues because it would be like I was attacking her or criticizing her w/ a lot of this stuff.

 

I just feel so sad, scared and hopeless right now. And so jealous of every other couple i see that has a more "normal" relationship. My wife feels that I've been "mean" to her a lot recently and she thinks it is due to stress at work. That is partially true, but I just get so frustrated holding this stuff in that I snap sometimes and say things in not such a nice way. She told me her ex broke up w/ her saying "he couldn't take it anymore". I think I know what he meant now. Just don't know what to do.

Edited May 16, 2011 by rjg96

[TigerCub]

How long were you with her before getting married?

 

Whatever you do - don't add a baby to this sad mix.

[Alfie]

I'm also wondering how long you've known each other. How old are you two?? She does seem like a hard person to be married to. I only work with a lady who is constantly sick and always complaining, and its very annoying, so please believe that I understand your frustration. But COME ON! When you stood on that alter, held her hand and spoke your "I Do's" you VOWED to stay by her side and love her through thick and thin, through health and sickness, no matter what, what happened to those vows? If I were you I wouldn't worry about hurting her so much if you left as much as you should worry about how you would feel about yourself as a man, breaking a should-be life-long promise only after a year. Sorry to be mean, but marriage is a holy sacrament, please treat it like one.

 

You must not have an idea of how hard it is to be distant from your family and loved ones, on top of it losing your friends and having issues at work. Plus always being sick and unable to enjoy sex bc of sensitivity. Imagine how hard it is for her being HER, but she still finds the time and energy to love you and tell you so daily. I understand its frustrating being married to her, but I can't feel too sorry for you buddy, like you say, you're good looking, healthy and smart, plus you got a wife who loves you dearly. My heart goes out to her, must be tough being her. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get the idea of divorce out of your head, bc as long as you make it an option in your heart and mind, it will happen. Its only been a yr and a half!!!! Maybe you can suggest counseling for her only, so that she is able to talk to an outside source re her problems, rather than piling all this stuff on you. I think maybe you're just having a hard time handling all this, you're too overwhelmed, and marriages get like that dude, some couple have gone through MUCH worse, and stick it out no matter what. If you love your wife, then stop comparing your marriage to others, stop thinking about ex's, bc the past is the past for a reason, be a grown man and keep moving fwd. By loving her, helping her, being her best friend. Things may get better in the future but you'll never know until you stick around for the ride. Divorce is only taking steps back in life. Its not like she's a ****ty wife who fails to love and care about you, or that has cheated. I see that you have many blessings in your marriage already. And trust me on this, when you see a happy couple, please remember that what you see on the outside may not always be an accurate depiction of what the relationship is behind closed doors. Good luck to you both.

[DaisyLeigh]

I cannot fathom why you married her, when she does is not up to your standards. I feel sorry for her.

[luvbun80]

I'm also wondering how long you've known each other. How old are you two?? She does seem like a hard person to be married to. I only work with a lady who is constantly sick and always complaining, and its very annoying, so please believe that I understand your frustration. But COME ON! When you stood on that alter, held her hand and spoke your "I Do's" you VOWED to stay by her side and love her through thick and thin, through health and sickness, no matter what, what happened to those vows? If I were you I wouldn't worry about hurting her so much if you left as much as you should worry about how you would feel about yourself as a man, breaking a should-be life-long promise only after a year. Sorry to be mean, but marriage is a holy sacrament, please treat it like one.

 

You must not have an idea of how hard it is to be distant from your family and loved ones, on top of it losing your friends and having issues at work. Plus always being sick and unable to enjoy sex bc of sensitivity. Imagine how hard it is for her being HER, but she still finds the time and energy to love you and tell you so daily. I understand its frustrating being married to her, but I can't feel too sorry for you buddy, like you say, you're good looking, healthy and smart, plus you got a wife who loves you dearly. My heart goes out to her, must be tough being her. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get the idea of divorce out of your head, bc as long as you make it an option in your heart and mind, it will happen. Its only been a yr and a half!!!! Maybe you can suggest counseling for her only, so that she is able to talk to an outside source re her problems, rather than piling all this stuff on you. I think maybe you're just having a hard time handling all this, you're too overwhelmed, and marriages get like that dude, some couple have gone through MUCH worse, and stick it out no matter what. If you love your wife, then stop comparing your marriage to others, stop thinking about ex's, bc the past is the past for a reason, be a grown man and keep moving fwd. By loving her, helping her, being her best friend. Things may get better in the future but you'll never know until you stick around for the ride. Divorce is only taking steps back in life. Its not like she's a ****ty wife who fails to love and care about you, or that has cheated. I see that you have many blessings in your marriage already. And trust me on this, when you see a happy couple, please remember that what you see on the outside may not always be an accurate depiction of what the relationship is behind closed doors. Good luck to you both.

 

Alfie I agree with you on all those points and clearly one should realize the commitment when they say "I DO" already knowing that the loved one is afflicted with chronic ailments. And 1.5 year certainly does not seem like a very long time. Generally speaking though and the everlasting "for better or worse" notwithstanding, I always wonder - is there some sort of "mark" after which it is "OK" to say you have had enough? 5 years, 10 years, 20 years? heh. Unless you can look at her again as the woman you love then she will have only spent more years in a loveless marriage. Well I will end this now but suffice it to say I am curious to see where this conversation is going.

 

To the OP... I do not know you but I beg you, do not bring a baby into the mix. Getting married on a split decision is one thing but a baby IS a lifelong commitment no matter how you look at it. You have but to look at this forum to see the weight that it is putting on strained couples. I hate giving advice when my situation is not all that rosy but can't help thinking of the sadness it could bring to you 2 and the innocent child.

[Alfie]

Did you not know all this while you dated/before marriage....or have you just lost interest and are using the above as excuses to leave?

[rjg96]

to answer some questions:

-I'm 36 and she's 35

-we knew each other for 2 years prior to getting married.

-i was aware of some of these issues, but i guess it the extent of them and frequency that has finally overwhelmed me.

-Not that its an excuse but she kept asking me when we would get married and would cry when i said i didnt know. My parents were also putting my pressure on me and even my friends saying i was "not young anymore". That combined with the adoration and love she showed me, made me overlook some stuff that I felt hesitant about. Also, I though then as I do now that I was just being overly critical and that everyone has problems.

 

You guys are right, I took the vows and made a commitment. I appreciate your comments and it helps me look at the situation in a different light a bit. It is really hard being her and she does try realy hard in our relationship to make me happy when she's able to. She is definitely a loyal person and would never cheat on me; i know that in my heart. I want to look at this less selfishly.

 

Also, I can forsee the hellish existence that awaits me if we were to break it off. The guilt, the loneliness, the depression, etc would last for many years. I don't honestly have it in me to go through all that at this point.

[whichwayisup]

Suggest she do some counseling on her own. Try Cognitive behaviour therapy. It'll help with her anxiety, her negative frame of mind, and she'll learn how to cope with the rough stuff in a better way. CBT is a wonderful kind of therapy that CAN help her, if she's willing to go.

[allina]

Other than her being a downer (saying restaurant is going down hill) how do her issued impact your everyday life? Is she constantly complaining? Is she always in a bad mod making it hard to have fun together?

 

More importantly, are you really in love with her and do you have the desire to make it work? Sadly, in your list or reasons not to divorce I see nothing about you actually being in love with her or an feelings of devotion on your side. Feeling like you "can't do better" isn't really a great reason to stay in a marriage. It seems like you resent her and feel like she's a gray cloud/burden in your life. Were you even truly in love? Did you not want to marry in the first place?

[rjg96]

Suggest she do some counseling on her own. Try Cognitive behaviour therapy. It'll help with her anxiety, her negative frame of mind, and she'll learn how to cope with the rough stuff in a better way. CBT is a wonderful kind of therapy that CAN help her, if she's willing to go.

 

I've tried that and she just get really upset at me for suggesting she has issues and needs therapy

[rjg96]

Yes and yes.

 

Sadly no, I am not in love with her. But if she could addresss the way she deals with life I think I could fall back in love w/ her.

 

Other than her being a downer (saying restaurant is going down hill) how do her issued impact your everyday life? Is she constantly complaining? Is she always in a bad mod making it hard to have fun together?

 

More importantly, are you really in love with her and do you have the desire to make it work? Sadly, in your list or reasons not to divorce I see nothing about you actually being in love with her or an feelings of devotion on your side. Feeling like you "can't do better" isn't really a great reason to stay in a marriage. It seems like you resent her and feel like she's a gray cloud/burden in your life. Were you even truly in love? Did you not want to marry in the first place?

[TigerCub]

This is such a tricky thing to deal with:

 

on the one hand - you took vows, for better or worse AND you knew what she was like before you married her.

 

On the other hand - I don't think anyone in the world wants someone to be with them out of guilt or obligation.

 

If she's getting snippy at the mention of therapy, and you have only been married for just 1 year - I honestly don't see how the following years will be any better.

 

I think you need to talk to her honestly and let her know that you need for her to go to therapy and work with you to change some things, or else you are thinking of leaving.

 

Sure, that would hurt and that would cause some pain, but at least if she knows the gravity of the situation, she might be more likely to give things a shot.

At least she would have had a fighting chance to make things better.

 

I dunno, I'm not married and never have been, but I do know that I'd never want someone to be with me just out of obligation, to be with me even though they hate it and want out, but don't want to hurt me

that's a sad way to live

[DaisyLeigh]

I cannot fathom why you married her, when she does is not up to your standards. I feel sorry for her.

 

 

Please forgive the poor sentence structure.

 

What I meant to say was: I cannot fathom why you married her, when she is obviously not living up to your standards. I feel sorry for her, because she cannot win. You knew she had issues.

[whichwayisup]

Yes and yes.

 

Sadly no, I am not in love with her. But if she could addresss the way she deals with life I think I could fall back in love w/ her.

 

She needs to understand and "get" that HER behaviour is killing you and the love you have for her. That if she doesn't do counselling with you and on her own, the marriage IS going to fall apart. Don't threaten her, make it a "fact".

 

She more than likely is afraid of change, afraid of counselling, opening up and dealing with her issues, and talking about them. That's understandable, but when she has ALOT to lose, she needs to really think about this and weigh her options before saying NO to therapy.

[luvbun80]

That sounds a bit drastic to put her on the block for being bitchy in restaurants and not giving head, no? (Or whatever it is she is not doing in the bedroom. I am that creative!)

 

The bitchiness could be her personality / upbringing. My wife has a pretty abrasive side, especially with people she knows well, some of it is no doubt culture difference (European vs east-coast American), and some of it just individual character. You can see behind it, the person you really love. I will tell you what helped me, though it may or may not work for you - every time she said something negative, I would try and look at it from her point of view then reformulate it in my own words (to myself, not out loud - that would be some kind of obnoxious!) I still get annoyed at the lack of tact but I also appreciate the candid honesty (most of the time) so it's a giving-giving situation. So yes, it's a real bummer when she is dissing the classy restaurant I picked for a date during most of the evening, but on the other hand you can be assured that when she is giving a compliment it is truly heartfelt. Now we have other issues but the communication improved a lot once I realized all that.

 

The voice, the broken speech, I hate to discard them off hand because they are obviously important to you, but you have to ask are those things that I am willing to throw away the 3+ year of time invested into the relationship for. To me they seem pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. But, to each his own.

 

That you are noticing other women on the street just means you have a pulse. There is nothing pervert about it (well, as long as you don't drop your pants and run after them, I suppose). You are admiring God's creation! Welcome to the free world!! Note I didn't say leering, or cheating now.

 

As for not going down on you, well, I am afraid I can't help. I say that jokingly but it's actually a very good question as evidenced by all the posts on sexless (or low-sex) marriages on this board, I just can't offer any insight.

 

I hope you 2 can work it out!!

[rjg96]

Well, it's not just that. And btw, it's actually me who wants to give her "head" (not hte other way around..though she's only able to do it to me for 30 seconds due to jaw issues). Plus, I want to have sex a few more times...after once she's done (kind of a role reversal huh..again, due to her overall senitivity). And it's not just complaining about restauratns..that was just the fisrt example that popped into my head.

 

I'm also not sure i'd classify her behavior as bitchy. When I think of bitchy, I think of someone who is mean; or gives the silent treatment; etc. It's more like whininess, neediness and complaning. I guess I could handle a few of these traits, but when you combine everything it becomes too much. Overally the sex issues, the speech issues and the complaining/drama combine to kill any budding "loving" feelings I have. And just when I start to feel something again, she'll start complaining about somthing in her life! ACtually, for me, it's hard to know which of these issues is really killing it for me...

 

You are right about the therapy, I just haven't worked out a way to say it in a firm, but kind way such that she listens and actually does it. Plus its not like she hasn't done therapy before; but it hasn't worked (or hasn't worked enough). And yes, I'm honestly confused about when its best for both of our sakes to just end it, vs continuing to try.

 

That sounds a bit drastic to put her on the block for being bitchy in restaurants and not giving head, no? (Or whatever it is she is not doing in the bedroom. I am that creative!)

 

The bitchiness could be her personality / upbringing. My wife has a pretty abrasive side, especially with people she knows well, some of it is no doubt culture difference (European vs east-coast American), and some of it just individual character. You can see behind it, the person you really love. I will tell you what helped me, though it may or may not work for you - every time she said something negative, I would try and look at it from her point of view then reformulate it in my own words (to myself, not out loud - that would be some kind of obnoxious!) I still get annoyed at the lack of tact but I also appreciate the candid honesty (most of the time) so it's a giving-giving situation. So yes, it's a real bummer when she is dissing the classy restaurant I picked for a date during most of the evening, but on the other hand you can be assured that when she is giving a compliment it is truly heartfelt. Now we have other issues but the communication improved a lot once I realized all that.

 

The voice, the broken speech, I hate to discard them off hand because they are obviously important to you, but you have to ask are those things that I am willing to throw away the 3+ year of time invested into the relationship for. To me they seem pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. But, to each his own.

 

That you are noticing other women on the street just means you have a pulse. There is nothing pervert about it (well, as long as you don't drop your pants and run after them, I suppose). You are admiring God's creation! Welcome to the free world!! Note I didn't say leering, or cheating now.

 

As for not going down on you, well, I am afraid I can't help. I say that jokingly but it's actually a very good question as evidenced by all the posts on sexless (or low-sex) marriages on this board, I just can't offer any insight.

 

I hope you 2 can work it out!!