The girl on the train

[loveshymanc]

Hi all thanks for reading this. Im a very shy guy and would like some advice on the below:

 

Two years ago, I sat next to a really nice looking girl on the train. Over the next couple of months we saw each other most mornings and most of the time when she saw she would smile over.

 

One morning a few weeks ago, the train was really packed and I had to stand by the door. This girl was sat on a seat facing me, and she looked over and smiled, before moving her bag off a spare seat next to her and smiled at me. Being shy (and stupid) I didnt go and sit next to her but stayed stood up. When she got off the train at her stop, three times she glanced at me and smiled shyly. The next day when I got on at my stop she seemed to be looking at the door where I get on and smiled again. I have to say at this point I hate my smile and tried my best to smile back but I dont know how it came across.

 

The next week, I was off work and didnt travel on the train. The week after, when I was back on the train she seemed as though she wasnt really interested and that has generally been the case since. However, today when I was on the train I didnt see her at first, but kept looking down the carriage to see where she was. Unusually she got up and stood by the seats where she sat. Normally she sits down until she gets to her stop. After a few minutes she sat down again. I was quite poorly a few days later and I remember her being stood up looking at me, and then after that a female friend seeming to 'look me over when she went past'

 

A few weeks later the train was cancelled and she turned up at my stop (a village in the middle of nowhere) and sat her in car with the door open waiting for the train. Again my shyness stopped me doing anything. Over the next few months, I amanged to smile at her, she would smile back and also say hi when I said it to her, but then she seemed to get quite distant

 

After that I didnt see her for ages. In February, I had to go home by a different train, and there she was on the platform. We seemed to recognise each other straight away and again because of my shyness I didnt take the spare seat next to her. I had to sit behind her and she seemed a little edgy. She got her headphones out to listen to music, untangeld them, but them left them on her lap choosing to gaze out of the window. When she got off she seemed to give a little smile in my direction. I saw her briefly on the odd occassion on the normal train on the next few weeks. One day she looked me, then away from, before looking back to me again.

 

Over the last fortnight or so she has been back on the train. At first I felt that she didnt really have any interest, but over the last couple of days Im now not sure. One day I noticed she was walking pretty much alongside me. The day after she when she saw me getting off she seemed to be impatient about getting off the train, and again walked fairly close to me, Im conviced she was looking at me as we went our separate ways. This morning when she was getting off, she looked at me and then looked down.

 

The thing is Im massively shy. I feel almost paralysed when Im near her. Ive never asked a girl out before, but I really have fallen for this girl. Did she like me originally? Is it possible that she still might do? How should I appraoch a girl on a packed train? Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated

[utterer of lies]

The thing is Im massively shy. I feel almost paralysed when Im near her. Ive never asked a girl out before, but I really have fallen for this girl. Did she like me originally? Is it possible that she still might do? How should I appraoch a girl on a packed train? Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Say hi.

 

 

That's the hardest part.

[PratyekaYana]

The thing is Im massively shy. I feel almost paralysed when Im near her. Ive never asked a girl out before, but I really have fallen for this girl. Did she like me originally? Is it possible that she still might do? How should I appraoch a girl on a packed train? Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated

 

It seems you've run across the rarest of lucky streaks, OP. You've managed to come into contact with a woman who not only gave you buying signals initially but who appears to have maintained her receptivity to your advances. At the very least, she is still cordial enough in your presence for you to risk making contact. For a shy young man such as yourself, a better opportunity will not likely present itself. I say go for it!

 

As far as the mechanics of approach go, there aren't very many wrong moves to make in this situation. Give a simple hello (or even a nod or gesture of acknowledgement if speech is too much for you right out of the gate) the next time you see her on the train. Then, from that point forward, you might bring up all of those little meaningless subjects of conversation that people commonly refer to as small talk (the weather, some pop culture event, etc.). If things go well, ask for her contact information.

Edited May 16, 2011 by PratyekaYana

[Axel Foley]

This situation is in your favor my friend.

 

Just go up to her and say, "Hey I just want to introduce myself..."

 

you can even do it before you know that your stop is coming up to ease the nerves of having something to say the "whole ride". She obviously digs you and you have the advantage because you see her quite often so it's not a one shot deal where you have to wow her in a couple of minute or it's over.

 

trust me, she'll appreciate the gesture. it's harmless.

the worst is that you'll find a friend to talk to on the train while everyone

looks like zombies repeating the daily hustle of life.

[smudge21]

I can imagine it's tough - I personally wouldn't know what I'd do as I too feel that same shyness when in similar situations. I guess I'd just try to make light of how you two keep bumping into each other. Try something like "do you come here often?" - with luck she'll see it as a joke (considering how often you've met each other) and it will break the ice. Failing that, just say hello. Tell her you've seen her so many times and thought it was about time you said hello. You're opening that door and allowing her in. I'm sure she'll respond in kind. Try not to have expectations as you don't know her situation, but just look at her as a possible friend for now.

 

Life really is too short to wait for things to happen, sometimes you have to force the issue. I've lost count about how many times I wished I'd been more forward and said hello to girls I've taken an interest in, only to see them walk away, forever. Don't let this go without trying - if it all goes wrong, who cares, at least you've tried. It's better to have tried and failed then to have never tried at all. I do believe that she's interested though, but probably just as shy as you are. Think of it that way - she's thinking the exact same as you right now, even talking with her friends about it, wondering what to do.

[Chicago_Guy]

The OP shouldn't even think about asking this girl out yet. He needs to talk to her first. If he is very shy, it will be difficult for him to do at first, but it will be easier to talk to other girls in the future if he becomes a little more comfortable doing this.

[Ginger Beer]

I saw a video on YouTube once about how to get a girl's number on the train.

 

You seem shy, you don't seem to want to talk to her, one of the things this video had was, before your stop, write your number down on a piece of paper and as you're getting off, give her the paper and walk off.

 

It's an idea.

[Ginger Beer]

I liked reading this thread.

[washguy74]

What you're worried about is being humiliated.

 

Imagine the worst possible thing that could happen if you plopped right down next to her, or walked up and introduced yourself. Be ridiculous. Say she gets up in a huff, and rushes off to find another seat? Or maybe she yells at you to stay the hell away from her? She spits and kicks at you repeatedly? Haha. Could you survive any and all of these scenarios? Yes. How likely are any of these things to happen? Not very!

 

There are evolutionary reasons for your shyness. Inaction is a great way to not be beaten/killed by another male invested/interested in a given female. But you're not some hunter gatherer around new found women. This is just a shy girl on a train, who's quite familiar with you, smiled at you a lot. If you can't make a play for her, you've got some growing up to do before you ever go for any woman.

 

Don't put too much pressure into converting this into a date. Day 1, learn her name and have her learn yours. That's it. Anything else is extra.

 

Good luck!

[washguy74]

I saw a video on YouTube once about how to get a girl's number on the train.

 

You seem shy, you don't seem to want to talk to her, one of the things this video had was, before your stop, write your number down on a piece of paper and as you're getting off, give her the paper and walk off.

 

It's an idea.

 

That must work only for the truly studly. Pretty sure when I've given my number/card to a woman like that, she's called 0% of the time.

[Nexus One]

Try being brassy. Use that word as a mantra.

 

What's being brassy you might ask? Brassiness is a sort of social courage, it's doing something even though you're afraid to do it in a social context, even though you think you'll look like an idiot...yet you do it anyway. It's accepting that whatever is going to happen and whatever the other person is going to think, that it is what it is.

 

When you're brassy it doesn't mean you're confident, but it's like punching a hole through your own fear. Being brassy isn't acting confident either, don't get that wrong either. It's accepting that what you're about to do is going to look bold to the other person.

 

Being brassy is doing or saying something in a social situation despite your own (social) anxiety and despite whatever the outcome may be. It's sort of a big f*ck you to the socially anxious atmosphere in society.

 

Note that I'm not meaning brassy in the context of "rude brassiness", because that applies to a whole other class of people.

[loveshymanc]

Hi guys. Just a quick update on the above. After putting this thread on here, I didnt see her for a few weeks, so I assumed that she wouldnt be on the train anymore.

 

Last week, I got on the train and noticed her sat near a window. She seemed to glance me and half smiled, but yet again I froze and wasnt able to do anything. At this point I was starting to feel that I was never going to be able to approach her and that I should just give up on her. When it got to her stop to get off the train, she queued up to walk past me to the door. When she got close to where I was sat, she looked down at me and at around about the same time we both smiled at each other, and as she got off she still seemed to have a smile on her face.

 

I was totally buzzing at this point and couldnt wait to see her the next day. However when I saw her on the train she again seemed to half glance at me with a little smile again, but then when she looked away she seemed to blink really frequently. When she got up, she walked straight past me without looking me. Granted on this occassion she did appear to really be studying for an exam and could have just been thoroughly engrossed in that. However I felt totally deflated as why she seemed to have changed in such a small length of time.

 

Today was the first time I saw her since then. She got on my train home which is unusual as I generally only see her in the morning. She took a quick look around and sat in a seat where she was on her own until someone sat next to her. I cant be certain that she saw me, but I was not sat far from her. She was reading a maagzine and only glanced up from it once, as though she was deliberately looking at nothing other than the magazine. Often when I have seen her in the past she does tend to look around a lot (not just at me, but often out of the window). She didnt even look up, when I or someone else walked past her.

 

Now I really dont know what to do. Last week I was so sure that she liked me that literally I was getting myself ready to talk to her. Now Im not so sure. Why is she seemingly ignoring me? Is she thinking that maybe she has 'done her bit' and is now wanting me to take it forward? Does she still like me? Im so confused

[Thierro]

It doesn't matter if she likes you or not. If she does, she'll probably ditch you because you are too insecure about yourself.

 

You are going to hate yourself for not talking to her. Do it. Man up. You don't even know her. Why does she has this power over you?

[loveshymanc]

It doesn't matter if she likes you or not. If she does, she'll probably ditch you because you are too insecure about yourself.

 

You are going to hate yourself for not talking to her. Do it. Man up. You don't even know her. Why does she has this power over you?

 

I dont know - I think its just a confidence thing. Ive never asked a girl out in my life. I do hate myself for not talking to her, but is it worth going after a girl if she isnt interested?

[Cracker Jack]

There's no way for you to determine if she's really interested or not without talking to her. You just have to stop thinking about the outcome and just go for what you want. Yeah, it's hard, but if you don't approach her, the pain of regret will affect you for a longtime. Trust me, you don't want to feel regret.

 

Just go for it. If she's not interested, then you move on--but you have to find out first. I know you've never asked a woman out, but there's a first time for everything. Remember, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

[Thierro]

Try slipping her a note with your contact info. It's not ideal, but it's a start, right? You are a shy guy; embrace that for the time being.

[youngskywalker]

glad to hear you've done something, keep at it. just think to yourself how worth it would be if you won her over.

Edited June 20, 2011 by youngskywalker

[loveshymanc]

Cracker Jack she seemed to like me one day, so Im confused at the sudden change, literally in 24 hours. When I smiled at her she still seemed to be smiling when she got off. I do get your point, but because of my shyness part of me wants to be certain she likes me before approaching her if that makes sense.

 

Thierro - its an idea but does that actually work? Would an approach to her change her mind if shes decided she doesnt like me anymore?

 

youngskywalker - again points taken. Maybe Im missing something, but how did you pick up on her wanting me to talk to her?

[denise_xo]

Cracker Jack she seemed to like me one day, so Im confused at the sudden change, literally in 24 hours. When I smiled at her she still seemed to be smiling when she got off. I do get your point, but because of my shyness part of me wants to be certain she likes me before approaching her if that makes sense.

 

You're over analysing based on too little information. The truth is that you have no idea whether she likes you or not, and you have no idea what that smile really meant. She could have been thinking of you, she could have been thinking of what she was going to have for dinner. There is only one way to find out. You CAN'T be certain before you approach here. Think about it. What's the worst thing that can happen if you talk to her?

[youngskywalker]

but how did you pick up on her wanting me to talk to her?

 

Sorry I deleted my post because I thought you went and talked to her from what you said....

 

Listen carefully. I don't have to read all the signs. A good friend of mine told me his philosophy many years ago that helped me.

 

"Always assume she is interested in you, because 80% of the time she is."

 

Go by that rule and your dating life will flourish my friend. Rejections come and go but you'll never find a girl if you don't step out. Good Luck! I really think you have a shot with this girl.

[Thierro]

Don’t make life about rules. Live a life you feel comfortable with. The only thing you need to realize and cultivate is your own sense of self-worth. Be happy with who you are and what you stand for.

 

Do you feel comfortable with the idea of giving her a note? Is this something YOU would do?

[alethean]

Today was the first time I saw her since then. She got on my train home which is unusual as I generally only see her in the morning. She took a quick look around and sat in a seat where she was on her own until someone sat next to her. I cant be certain that she saw me, but I was not sat far from her. She was reading a maagzine and only glanced up from it once, as though she was deliberately looking at nothing other than the magazine. Often when I have seen her in the past she does tend to look around a lot (not just at me, but often out of the window). She didnt even look up, when I or someone else walked past her.

 

Now I really dont know what to do. Last week I was so sure that she liked me that literally I was getting myself ready to talk to her. Now Im not so sure. Why is she seemingly ignoring me? Is she thinking that maybe she has 'done her bit' and is now wanting me to take it forward? Does she still like me? Im so confused

 

She might not have seen you, or she might have been in a bad mood and didn't want to talk to anyone, or she might have seen you but was hit by a sudden bout of self-consciousness since you never said anything to her those other times you were on the train with her.

 

Chances are, the reason is not personal, so I wouldn't take it as such.

 

Since you are so shy, I have a suggestion of another type than I would consider for most people. (You don't have to take it if you don't want to.) I would suggest that you take this opportunity as an experiment of sorts. Don't expect too much from it, like a relationship or even a date. Just expect practice for the next opportunity that comes for you. The way to look at it is that the experience you get from this will be better than the nothing that will likely arise if you were not to say anything to her. And if something does come of it, great.

 

So just try to say hi to her next time. If you get over that hurdle, great. You can either work your way up that day by engaging in small talk or try that another time. Just set small goals for yourself so it will be easier. Not everything has to happen at once.

[TheCoolest]

Just wow. You have fallen for a girl you have never talked to? You need to grow a pair and talk to her. Seriously. How have you been staring at a random girl for two years yet you can't even talk to her? You probably killed any chance you had. And you are reading way too far into someone being polite.

[youngskywalker]

Don’t make life about rules. Live a life you feel comfortable with. The only thing you need to realize and cultivate is your own sense of self-worth. Be happy with who you are and what you stand for.

 

Do you feel comfortable with the idea of giving her a note? Is this something YOU would do?

 

Disagree totally,

 

[be happy with who you are] problem is he's not, so he needs to take some steps to change.

 

The OP is having difficulty with all the things you told him to do.... be comfortable with who you are, have a sense of self worth ect ect.

 

Does he feel COMFORTABLE with give her a note??? F@#% no he doesn't.

 

OP, step out of your COMFORT zone and talk to her. If she rejects you (unlikely) then you'll have more experience when the next beautiful girl comes along.

 

Again I say, "always assume they're interested, because 80% of the time they are". Live by that rule and you're dating life will flourish. This doesn't mean 80% of the girls you ask out will say yes but I think you know what I'm getting at. Take this advice from a recovering shy guy. Good Luck!!

[Thierro]

Disagree totally,

 

[be happy with who you are] problem is he's not, so he needs to take some steps to change.

 

The OP is having difficulty with all the things you told him to do.... be comfortable with who you are, have a sense of self worth ect ect.

 

Does he feel COMFORTABLE with give her a note??? F@#% no he doesn't.

 

OP, step out of your COMFORT zone and talk to her. If she rejects you (unlikely) then you'll have more experience when the next beautiful girl comes along.

 

Again I say, "always assume they're interested, because 80% of the time they are". Live by that rule and you're dating life will flourish. This doesn't mean 80% of the girls you ask out will say yes but I think you know what I'm getting at. Take this advice from a recovering shy guy. Good Luck!!

 

Yes, he needs to get out of his comfort zone eventually. But he doesn't have to pretend something he is not. That's what I meant with the whole 'Be comfortable with yourself'. I am afraid he is going to try too hard just to get her approval. He needs to accept his 'weaknesses' and develop them into a more mature and healthy way. We both know that putting himself second in life will only get him into unnecessary heartache. He doesn’t need the girl and he doesn’t need her approval. Don’t care about rules and outcome. Be proud of every step you take that leads to positive self-improvement. Falling is the best way to learn. Be true to yourself and your own way’s of doing things. He decides how he wants to live his life. Rules don’t apply. Rules are boring and make life uninteresting.

 

If slipping her a note would fit his personality, even though he feels anxious about it, it is something he should try to do. But I agree that he needs to work on his self-image first. He needs to feel worthy and when he does his insecurities and the need of validating himself will gradually decrease making him a more happy and attractive individual.