Stop Looking For The Clown...

[fetish]

love the article. somettimes the clown comes to find you, but when you give in and break nc, he still finds you.

[geegirl]

love the article. somettimes the clown comes to find you, but when you give in and break nc, he still finds you.

 

That's a given. He still finds you because he knocks looking for you and you open the door. He can't find you if you can't be found. Don't break NC. Don't go looking and don't be found.

[sun_moon]

love the article. somettimes the clown comes to find you, but when you give in and break nc, he still finds you.

 

I just had this happen to me yesterday, I didn't open the door.

Stupidly today though, I went looking for the clown like a convicted loan shark because he owed me money. I sent a message, I even made it convenient so he wouldn't have to see me, because I dont want to see the clown. He never responded back after that. I set clear boundaries and he didn't take it. I'm so angry, I went looking for the clown and I got stung. I feel wronged. What about my money?

[RuinedLife]

Should you answer the door if he does come knocking?

 

If you like for him to rip your heart out, stuff it in a cream pie and throw it back in your face, then I think you should answer the door.

 

If you want to keep your heart intact, go through the discomfort of healing and soon finding your value and self esteem again, and one day enjoying a slice of cream pie while sipping coffee outside a quaint little pastry shop while having not one thought about this clown, then I think you should NOT answer the door!

 

I'd like you to pick the latter. It would really make you feel so much better in the long run.

 

If I pick the latter can it be a banoffee pie or cheese cake?

[Karala]

If I pick the latter can it be a banoffee pie or cheese cake?

 

Hi RuinedLife, just wanted to know that reading this made me smile, I think it's the first time I read something from you that sounds light-hearted... made my day.

 

Plus, banoffe pie (which I'd never heard of, so I looked it up) sounds YUMMY.

[Karala]

Oh, and by the way, this thread rocks.

[RuinedLife]

Hi RuinedLife, just wanted to know that reading this made me smile, I think it's the first time I read something from you that sounds light-hearted... made my day.

 

Plus, banoffe pie (which I'd never heard of, so I looked it up) sounds YUMMY.

 

Thanks

 

Yes I know I have been despair personified for the last few months, and I know its probably impossible to believe but I didn't used to be this way, and when my ex was in my life I was the opposite for the most part, i.e. enthusiasm personified.

 

Thats one of the things I miss most about my ex. He was the best friend I've ever had, the only real friend I've ever had and our relationship was all about the joking around, witty word play etc. When I was with him the enthusiasm for life just flooded out of me! I'm not sure exactly why, but he's the only person I've ever met who I felt really understood me, the only person who I've ever really connected with. And when I lost him I lost my fun side it seems. True, occasionally my light-hearted side will peak out briefly, but without my ex its easily spooked, I suppose it fears further rejection and so has gone into hiding.

 

And yeah, banoffee pie is delicious!! Especially with toffee ice cream! Its a rare treat though..

[fetish]

I just had this happen to me yesterday, I didn't open the door.

Stupidly today though, I went looking for the clown like a convicted loan shark because he owed me money. I sent a message, I even made it convenient so he wouldn't have to see me, because I dont want to see the clown. He never responded back after that. I set clear boundaries and he didn't take it. I'm so angry, I went looking for the clown and I got stung. I feel wronged. What about my money?

 

 

i think this situation is a little different, if it was really about the money and not using that as an excuse to see him. As long as its business, then by all means, there's nothing wrong about it. Think about those ex couples who have kids. They always have to collaborate for the interest of the child. I'm not sure if the clown scenario would really apply in that case.

[dearestpie]

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmenuf1taL1qhrat8o1_500.gif

 

I think this gif is relevant to this thread.

[RuinedLife]

Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life was the find this one specific clown with a jigsaw piece that fits perfectly with my own and turn him into my eternal soul-mate.

 

And now that I've failed that mission and all attempts to recruit this one true clown have proved unsuccessful, what else is there?

 

Spend my life thinking up ever more convoluted ways to lure this one true clown back? Engineer a genetically identical clown? Or give up on the one true clown and settle for a different clown with a jigsaw piece that nearly fits, but doesn't quite fit my own. A clown with a piece that fits ok if you squint, but really on closer inspection, its just not satisfying.

 

It just seems that the unsatisfying nature of a nearly fitting jigsaw piece would make me long for the that uniquely ideal jigsaw piece belonging to the the one true clown. But then maybe even that piece would no longer fit perfectly as when that one true clown slotted his jigsaw piece into my own and then agonizingly ripped it away again he caused my piece to buckle and fray at the edges. Damaging my piece in a way that prevents any jigsaw piece from ever fitting snuggly again.

[sun_moon]

Stop looking for it! YES GIVE UP THE SEARCH OF THE CLOWN. He is no good for you.

 

@ fetish, yes I explain my situation in the Dilemma thread.

 

@Nohbody yup we all smacked that face paint on and some are still lol

[geegirl]

Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life was the find this one specific clown with a jigsaw piece that fits perfectly with my own and turn him into my eternal soul-mate.

 

That's a lot of pressure to place on your shoulders Ruined! Your life involves more than just one jigsaw piece. Your life was not meant to start and end with "the one". You've basically limited the potential and value of yourself and your life to a man. A man! I understand being sad and in pain when the one you love leaves but allowing his existence to determine the value of you/your life is another thing. But when you think about it, he's just a man. He takes his pants off one leg at a time. He farts in bed. He scratches his balls sometimes forgetting he's standing in a room full of people. He's just a man. Rationally and realistically, you give him, who's just as human as you are, too much power. Your life has to mean more than just that. Yes, the love and acceptance of a man is wonderful. But your life should not and must not revolve and thrive around that. Because if it does, you're basically nothing when it's gone. Who wants to live a life being an extension of someone else?

 

I don't believe in just one "soul mate". I believe through your lifetime, there will be more than just one that enters your life and enriches it, whether he stays or goes is not the question.

 

And now that I've failed that mission and all attempts to recruit this one true clown have proved unsuccessful, what else is there?

 

You live your life. It's not the end. It doesn't end with the clown. It begins. This clown's jigsaw piece is just a small little piece of a huge puzzle. His piece is a little piece of hundreds of little pieces that will one day complete your puzzle. You give him way too much power and control over who you are and your future, all the years ahead of you and it ends with him? Nope.

 

Spend my life thinking up ever more convoluted ways to lure this one true clown back? Engineer a genetically identical clown? Or give up on the one true clown and settle for a different clown with a jigsaw piece that nearly fits, but doesn't quite fit my own. A clown with a piece that fits ok if you squint, but really on closer inspection, its just not satisfying.

 

You're already in self-defeating mode, predicting that no other guy will ever live up to him. You're destined to meet guys that will never fit in with you. Life is over. You've predicted it. You know their names, where they live, what they do, how they look like. Stop. In time you will pull this man from his pedestal.

 

It just seems that the unsatisfying nature of a nearly fitting jigsaw piece would make me long for the that uniquely ideal jigsaw piece belonging to the the one true clown. But then maybe even that piece would no longer fit perfectly as when that one true clown slotted his jigsaw piece into my own and then agonizingly ripped it away again he caused my piece to buckle and fray at the edges. Damaging my piece in a way that prevents any jigsaw piece from ever fitting snuggly again.

 

Stop Ruined. You're wallowing. You've determined your fate even before you've given yourself a chance. Just as how you've determined the fate of your life by your moniker. You have to get out of this negativity.

[Nohbody]

Geegirl,

That last post should really be its own thread. Great!

[Royal Guy]

Sometimes I feel like my only purpose in life was the find this one specific clown with a jigsaw piece that fits perfectly with my own and turn him into my eternal soul-mate.

 

That's a lot of pressure to place on your shoulders Ruined! Your life involves more than just one jigsaw piece. Your life was not meant to start and end with "the one". You've basically limited the potential and value of yourself and your life to a man. A man! I understand being sad and in pain when the one you love leaves but allowing his existence to determine the value of you/your life is another thing. But when you think about it, he's just a man. He takes his pants off one leg at a time. He farts in bed. He scratches his balls sometimes forgetting he's standing in a room full of people. He's just a man. Rationally and realistically, you give him, who's just as human as you are, too much power. Your life has to mean more than just that. Yes, the love and acceptance of a man is wonderful. But your life should not and must not revolve and thrive around that. Because if it does, you're basically nothing when it's gone. Who wants to live a life being an extension of someone else?

 

I don't believe in just one "soul mate". I believe through your lifetime, there will be more than just one that enters your life and enriches it, whether he stays or goes is not the question.

 

And now that I've failed that mission and all attempts to recruit this one true clown have proved unsuccessful, what else is there?

 

You live your life. It's not the end. It doesn't end with the clown. It begins. This clown's jigsaw piece is just a small little piece of a huge puzzle. His piece is a little piece of hundreds of little pieces that will one day complete your puzzle. You give him way too much power and control over who you are and your future, all the years ahead of you and it ends with him? Nope.

 

Spend my life thinking up ever more convoluted ways to lure this one true clown back? Engineer a genetically identical clown? Or give up on the one true clown and settle for a different clown with a jigsaw piece that nearly fits, but doesn't quite fit my own. A clown with a piece that fits ok if you squint, but really on closer inspection, its just not satisfying.

 

You're already in self-defeating mode, predicting that no other guy will ever live up to him. You're destined to meet guys that will never fit in with you. Life is over. You've predicted it. You know their names, where they live, what they do, how they look like. Stop. In time you will pull this man from his pedestal.

 

It just seems that the unsatisfying nature of a nearly fitting jigsaw piece would make me long for the that uniquely ideal jigsaw piece belonging to the the one true clown. But then maybe even that piece would no longer fit perfectly as when that one true clown slotted his jigsaw piece into my own and then agonizingly ripped it away again he caused my piece to buckle and fray at the edges. Damaging my piece in a way that prevents any jigsaw piece from ever fitting snuggly again.

 

Stop Ruined. You're wallowing. You've determined your fate even before you've given yourself a chance. Just as how you've determined the fate of your life by your moniker. You have to get out of this negativity.

 

Quoted for truth and epicness.

 

@Geegirl u r epicgirl.

 

Btw I think Ruined is a He :-/

 

Guys I just joined this website to get good suggestions but then don't linger on to them, listen to them, feel them and go out and apply them. I saw you have 110 posts man I believe you are an old member. I know its easier said then done as the LOVE OF MY LIFE/My BESTEST FRIEND dumped me after a long term relationship and moved on in a day and I am still stuck to her, but after reading good things, it feels good to be here on loveshack but then mate try to apply it as well. Go out make friends have life beyond her. I am not saying you will stop answering the door tomorrow, but you might just have replaced the clown with a beautiful girl by tomorrow and who knows she might be more compatible and might have more possibility of being ur better besti as well.

[geegirl]

Aww Nohbody...whatever I can do to help some !

[Karala]

Geegirl, I would ask you to look up my posts thinking that I could use some of that tough love, but then I just think my case is so hopeless, don't bother.

 

Anyway, that was great.

[RuinedLife]

Aww Nohbody...whatever I can do to help some !

 

Great response geegirl! I agree with Nohbody and Royal Guy!

 

You are pure epicness!

Thanks so much for your wise words!

 

I just wish I could truly take them on board and incorporate their true meaning into my life. I'll keep trying. I guess time helps and day by day I'll try to make a new life for myself, find a new path to take and slowly start walking down that new path.

[RuinedLife]

 

Btw I think Ruined is a He :-/

 

Mmm... Interesting. Ok then. Thanks! I'll take that as a compliment!

[RuinedLife]

 

Guys I just joined this website to get good suggestions but then don't linger on to them, listen to them, feel them and go out and apply them. I saw you have 110 posts man I believe you are an old member. I know its easier said then done as the LOVE OF MY LIFE/My BESTEST FRIEND dumped me after a long term relationship and moved on in a day and I am still stuck to her, but after reading good things, it feels good to be here on loveshack but then mate try to apply it as well. Go out make friends have life beyond her. I am not saying you will stop answering the door tomorrow, but you might just have replaced the clown with a beautiful girl by tomorrow and who knows she might be more compatible and might have more possibility of being ur better besti as well.

 

I've been really ill lately, so have been stuck inside not able to do much.

 

I think the best way to go is to be your own best friend.

 

And I used to be my own best friend before I met my ex and I lost myself in him and his life. I just didn't realize how co-dependent I'd become on him and how difficult it would be to return to that old lonely life style where I have only myself for company most of the time and have to be my own best friend.

 

Being your own best friend is key though, because the only one you can really depend on in this world is yourself. Having only yourself for company can get very lonely at times, but I guess thats just something you have to get used to when you're a social misfit like me.

[Royal Guy]

Ruinedlife my bad I didn't read your other post and thought of you to be a guy.

 

Btw you are right, giving too much importance and control of our life to someone ( be it best friend ) makes us handicapped especially when they are not around like in our case. And you are right, its time to shift focus and control to our own selves, but its very very easier said then done. I can't get her off my mine, I often have her dreams and I get up abruptly. But I'll let time be the healer as she no ways is coming back and now thats its NC since yesterday I hope I feel better soon. Yesterday when I last called her to say goodbye and tell her that I can't be her best friend either she said in a very low and sad tone, What if I need a best friend?...I felt sad and angry at the same time as I was like wtf, you should have thought about it before doing all this **** to me, it hurts me like anything to see, think or hear about you with someone else all the time.

 

I hope even you are in NC and get over this best friend issue soon.

[RuinedLife]

Ruinedlife my bad I didn't read your other post and thought of you to be a guy.

 

Btw you are right, giving too much importance and control of our life to someone ( be it best friend ) makes us handicapped especially when they are not around like in our case. And you are right, its time to shift focus and control to our own selves, but its very very easier said then done. I can't get her off my mine, I often have her dreams and I get up abruptly. But I'll let time be the healer as she no ways is coming back and now thats its NC since yesterday I hope I feel better soon. Yesterday when I last called her to say goodbye and tell her that I can't be her best friend either she said in a very low and sad tone, What if I need a best friend?...I felt sad and angry at the same time as I was like wtf, you should have thought about it before doing all this **** to me, it hurts me like anything to see, think or hear about you with someone else all the time.

 

I hope even you are in NC and get over this best friend issue soon.

 

Losing a best friend (sometimes your only friend) and your lover in one fell swoop leaves us feeling incredibly lost and alone Its a horrible feeling.

 

I really just don't know what to do anymore. My life revolved around my ex bf so much and now I've pushed him away, now he's gone, life just seems pointless. I keep posting on here. Trying to make that my purpose now and it helps a little. But I know I'm going to have to get used to a lonely life again, where I am my own best friend, and that is a hard future to face

[Royal Guy]

I totally agree with every alphabet and spaces in between. Its been 24 hours since I am on NC now but when the person is more than just a GF/BF, especially a Best Friend, with every passing moment of NC it feels good as well as pathetic. Its like sand in the sand clock is pouring from top to and bottom to the center of the clock and we are stuck in between.

[RuinedLife]

I totally agree with every alphabet and spaces in between. Its been 24 hours since I am on NC now but when the person is more than just a GF/BF, especially a Best Friend, with every passing moment of NC it feels good as well as pathetic. Its like sand in the sand clock is pouring from top to and bottom to the center of the clock and we are stuck in between.

 

Yeah break ups are brutal. But rarely even it seems.

 

When A Heart Breaks, No It Don't Break Even

 

As the song goes..

 

Don't give up! Keep NC!

[geegirl]

I just wish I could truly take them on board and incorporate their true meaning into my life. I'll keep trying. I guess time helps and day by day I'll try to make a new life for myself, find a new path to take and slowly start walking down that new path.

 

It's going to take time Ruined. After every break up, it's a process to get back to who we were before we met these people. I too lived my life through my ex. When we broke up, I felt like I was nothing. Lost my best friend and my lover. I don't know if it makes a difference that he betrayed me, but the hurt and loss is no less painful.

 

Slowly, little steps, one at a time, you have to start filling that void that he left. I understand that being ill adds to your sense of feeling defeated. An added weight on your shoulders. But one step at a time.

 

Make little goals for yourself. Seek the help of your therapist on how to find ways to stop putting yourself down and to start lifting yourself up. I notice that every post, you will have something negative to say about yourself. How do you become your own best friend if you dislike yourself so much? Becoming your own best friend is loving yourself.

 

There was a time when I didn't feel happy when I was alone when my ex left. I used to loathe the loneliness. Now, I love being on my own, loving my own company. I'm not at that stage where I need someone anymore to complete me. There are times I miss the companionship of a man but it's fleeting.

 

Pour yourself into your writing. If you are home bound, and can't get to do much, how about listing yourself as a tutor for kids who are passionate about writing. My gf, who was ill for a long time was home bound and she used to be so bored at home that she started a tutoring class for kids in her community, who were interested in creative writing and learning English. It's a way to share yourself with others and be around people. It may also help you find your zing again. Just a thought.

 

Keep posting here. Try, try, as your first goal, to stop belittling yourself and feeding yourself with negative thoughts about yourself. What did the therapist/doctors say? I know you said they would be letting you know today.

[RuinedLife]

It's going to take time Ruined. After every break up, it's a process to get back to who we were before we met these people. I too lived my life through my ex. When we broke up, I felt like I was nothing. Lost my best friend and my lover. I don't know if it makes a difference that he betrayed me, but the hurt and loss is no less painful.

 

Slowly, little steps, one at a time, you have to start filling that void that he left. I understand that being ill adds to your sense of feeling defeated. An added weight on your shoulders. But one step at a time.

 

Make little goals for yourself. Seek the help of your therapist on how to find ways to stop putting yourself down and to start lifting yourself up. I notice that every post, you will have something negative to say about yourself. How do you become your own best friend if you dislike yourself so much? Becoming your own best friend is loving yourself.

 

There was a time when I didn't feel happy when I was alone when my ex left. I used to loathe the loneliness. Now, I love being on my own, loving my own company. I'm not at that stage where I need someone anymore to complete me. There are times I miss the companionship of a man but it's fleeting.

 

Pour yourself into your writing. If you are home bound, and can't get to do much, how about listing yourself as a tutor for kids who are passionate about writing. My gf, who was ill for a long time was home bound and she used to be so bored at home that she started a tutoring class for kids in her community, who were interested in creative writing and learning English. It's a way to share yourself with others and be around people. It may also help you find your zing again. Just a thought.

 

Keep posting here. Try, try, as your first goal, to stop belittling yourself and feeding yourself with negative thoughts about yourself. What did the therapist/doctors say? I know you said they would be letting you know today.

 

Thanks for the advice.

Not sure if I'm up to tutoring or anything at the moment, but will try to get back into the writing.

 

The doctors put me on new anti-anxiety medication. They are coming back on Monday to decide whether or not I need anti-depressants too.

 

They keep telling me to try and forgive myself and put my guilt behind me and move on. But is soo difficult.

 

I just wake up in the morning with this over powering sense of dread and all these dark thoughts of how I could end things if the pain doesn't end. These therapists keep asking me about the future, but at the moment I struggle to see a happy tomorrow, let alone a happy next year etc. It all just seems dark and empty.

Edited June 11, 2011 by RuinedLife