Stop Looking For The Clown...

[geegirl]

They keep telling me to try and forgive myself and put my guilt behind me and move on. But is soo difficult.

 

I just wake up in the morning with this over powering sense of dread and all these dark thoughts of how I could end things if the pain doesn't end. These therapists keep asking me about the future, but at the moment I struggle to see a happy tomorrow, let alone a happy next year etc. It all just seems dark and empty.

 

I know. It's too daunting to fathom the future when you are in pain right now. This pain and hopelessness you are going through is something you will have to face. Its emotions that come with that loss. It's easy for those on the outside to sweep it all under the rug and tell you to get over it in a sense, but it's a process. Slow one but it will get you out of this. Only way to get past it is to go through it. Just don't give up hope because it seems bleak now. It won't always feel this intense. I know dark and empty. There was a time when I would wake up and wish I would never open my eyes ever again. I would drive to work like a zombie and sometimes in my mind I would say, "If I just pull the wheel to the left, it would be all over, no more pain." And the urge would be strong. Been in that dark place and stayed there twice in my lifetime. It's not worth it. Don't give in to those bad thoughts. It's not the end of your life because one person decided to leave.

[RuinedLife]

I know. It's too daunting to fathom the future when you are in pain right now. This pain and hopelessness you are going through is something you will have to face. Its emotions that come with that loss. It's easy for those on the outside to sweep it all under the rug and tell you to get over it in a sense, but it's a process. Slow one but it will get you out of this. Only way to get past it is to go through it. Just don't give up hope because it seems bleak now. It won't always feel this intense. I know dark and empty. There was a time when I would wake up and wish I would never open my eyes ever again. I would drive to work like a zombie and sometimes in my mind I would say, "If I just pull the wheel to the left, it would be all over, no more pain." And the urge would be strong. Been in that dark place and stayed there twice in my lifetime. It's not worth it. Don't give in to those bad thoughts. It's not the end of your life because one person decided to leave.

 

It just feels like I've failed yet again at something. I couldn't complete my course because I was too ill, I couldn't keep my relationship because of my anxiety...

 

I just feel so worthless...

[Royal Guy]

It just feels like I've failed yet again at something. I couldn't complete my course because I was too ill, I couldn't keep my relationship because of my anxiety...

 

I just feel so worthless...

 

Only solution is hold on to yourself and let this time pass by, be on loveshack share your problem and help others if possible, it feels good.

[Sugarkane]

Its not easy when the clown used to love you and begg you to come over all the time. Then turns into a cruel, sadistic clown like from Stephan kings IT.

[Karala]

It just feels like I've failed yet again at something. I couldn't complete my course because I was too ill

 

What course was that? I was on a course too this year and dropped off around february/march because of the breakup, and how I couldn't handle a thing anymore.

 

I'm not too too forlorn about it though, it wasn't such a great course after all.

 

(By the way, do you agree that being broken up with in february is the most dreary awful thing in the world? February always makes me want to die anyway. Life still pretty much sucks these days but at least it's summertime. ^^)

[RuinedLife]

What course was that? I was on a course too this year and dropped off around february/march because of the breakup, and how I couldn't handle a thing anymore.

 

I'm not too too forlorn about it though, it wasn't such a great course after all.

 

(By the way, do you agree that being broken up with in february is the most dreary awful thing in the world? February always makes me want to die anyway. Life still pretty much sucks these days but at least it's summertime. ^^)

 

You keep mentioning that you and your ex broke up in February, but you've only been in NC for 10 days? Is that right? So just curious really, what sort of contact did you and your ex have before that? Was it a friendship where you saw each other? A distant emailing friendship? I only ask because I've tried to keep in contact with my ex but I still love him so much I got carried away with my emailing (sorry I know I've mentioned that a lot now!). And I just wondered what keeping in contact with him was like for you and how you coped with it?

[Royal Guy]

Yeah break ups are brutal. But rarely even it seems.

 

When A Heart Breaks, No It Don't Break Even

 

As the song goes..

 

Don't give up! Keep NC!

 

Thanks,

 

Nice song with really good lyrics, can totally relate to it.

 

NC is on since 43 hours now, received 2 calls from "her" about an hour back. Didn't answer 'em.

[RuinedLife]

Thanks,

 

Nice song with really good lyrics, can totally relate to it.

 

NC is on since 43 hours now, received 2 calls from "her" about an hour back. Didn't answer 'em.

 

Believe me I know how hard it is going through this heartache

 

But try to stay strong! We're all here to support each other through this, so if you feel lonely or despairing, just keep posting. Just venting can help.

[Royal Guy]

Exactly .

[Karala]

You keep mentioning that you and your ex broke up in February, but you've only been in NC for 10 days? Is that right? So just curious really, what sort of contact did you and your ex have before that? Was it a friendship where you saw each other? A distant emailing friendship? I only ask because I've tried to keep in contact with my ex but I still love him so much I got carried away with my emailing (sorry I know I've mentioned that a lot now!). And I just wondered what keeping in contact with him was like for you and how you coped with it?

 

lol, you need to read that again.

 

In February we had that talk "I want more from this relationship" "Well, actually I'm not sure I want to do this relationship anymore".

 

Then 3 weeks NC because I hoped that would make him come around.

When it didn't, I sent him the e-mail about ""ok, let's break up if that's what you want."

 

A few days later, we saw each other because we both attented that big party we'd been invited to a long time prior. I acted completely cool and like I was having a great time, even if I felt like dying inside. I even flirted with him and he was very responsive. At the end of the night he came to me and said "this is tough isn't it? Don't you feel like we haven't done all there was to do?"

I was so taken aback and unprepared, also it was 6 in the morning and I had had more than a few drinks, I just replied "maybe this isn't the best time and place to discuss things" and he nodded like he agreed.

I went home feeling deliriously happy and figured he would contact me again to talk and work things out.

That at last, finally, the "push and pull" dynamic between us was reversed and I could finally let him come to me.

Except he never did.

He sent me a sweet text a week after that, saying he was thinking of me. I didn't respond, because I didn't want to appear like I was "pulling".

 

Then 2 months and a half of NC again. Those are the 2 months when we were still on each other's FB friendlist though. In the beginning he was posting about how down he was, linking to songs we both listened to, etc. Then after about a month, he began to post more upbeat stuff again.

 

Me, I was only posting upbeat stuff the whole time, never letting anybody on about how heartbroken and lonely I felt.

Like I said in this other post, I was doing the whole "get your ex back" thing.

 

I finally contacted him again, he was very responsive, was eager to see me, we went out for coffee, he demanded hugs from me several times, called me my special pet name...

About a month went on like this, sporadic contact. He was sending me mixed messages again. One time acting all shy and starry-eyed, the other shunning me off, cold and distant.

First this time when we had coffee together, intiated by me. Then one evening he locked himself out of his appartment and asked to drop by my place to pick up his key which I still had, he stayed for about an hour, we chatted and had a great time.

One time I bumped into him in the street by chance. He was sweet and offered me to join him and his friends to the restaurant they were headed to, I declined.

We exchanged sweet and funny text messages. Then he acted distant again. I called him again and asked to go out for dinner, which he agreed to. We did and had an amazing time. We spent hours catching up about each other's life. He drove me back to my place, we hugged again and even kissed. The kiss was coming from me in the first place but he didn't run away screaming, just made sure not to get carried away, and ended it saying "this is wrong" but rather in a jokey manner. (later when we talked things out, and I was asking him "How can it be true that you love me, if you don't want to be with me?", "he told me "remember that kiss from last night - didn't you feel it that I love you, when I kissed you?)

(by the way, this is the only "intimate" thing that ever happened between us since the breakup)

 

That's when I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore (acting cool and waiting for him to say he wanted me back) and I had to tell him all about how I still loved him and wanted to do everything to make things work out. I just wanted the whole thing to be over and done with. I knew it would be "make or break", but I was okay with that at last.

I did that, only to hear him say his decision was final and there was no going back.

I got it immediately that he had made up his mind and it was no use trying to convince him otherwise. Also, I'd decided I was burned trying to convince, and ready to let go.

 

I set up this "good-bye dinner" to talk things through one last time and get closure. I told all about it on this thread, please read and comment, I'm so frustrated that nobody commented, except for Exit, thank you Exit!

 

As you see, on June 1rst as I was starting this thread, just a few hours before that good-bye dinner, I felt incapable of severing contact with him. And then on the same evening, because sitting down and talking and being able to send him off with all my love had brought me closure, I felt able and ready to let him go for good. I knew I needed it and most of all, I knew I wanted an end to the suffering I'd been though since February, and I knew NC was what I needed to heal.

Real NC, not like I was doing before. Real NC to me = No Contact AT ALL, not via Facebook, not via mutual friends telling me about him, basically not even knowing if he's dead or alive. Shutting him off from my life completely, for as long as I need to get over him.

This is totally different from before when I was ineffectually doing NC as a game to bring him back. This time, I've accepted the breakup and sincerely want to move on.

I also want to do that because I know this is my best bet to not losing him completely and forever. Whether as just a friend, or maybe somewhere down the line as my lover again. He's told me that it's not like he's decided we can never be together again ever ; it's not like he's planning on or counting on us being together again someday (and neither do I want to plan or count on it) but it's not either like he's positive that it can never happen.

Actually, one of my concerns is that I might move on and then he comes back to me wanting to try again, and I won't be interested anymore. I keep repeating myself that it won't be my problem then. I even told him that, and he didn't laugh in my face, because I think he knows that yeah it could happen.

 

Ok, aside from all this "saving the possibility for us getting back together one day" thing, I at least want to be able to have him as my friend again some day, and that's what he wants too. We never meant to shut each other from each other's life, that's just what we need for now in order to move on. But we've been friends before being lovers, we have this deep love, connection and understanding between us that we don't want to lose.

So June 1rst was good-bye, but not farewell.

I know I'll see him again someday (we more or less agreed on spending a year apart from each other but who knows exactly how much time it'll be), and when that day happens I don't want to be the same wreck that I am now.

This day is a big part of my motivation to find a way out of my problems and finally make myself a life that rocks. Love is my motivation - the hope that someday he realizes how much greater I am than he ever even realized, and wonder how he could ever let me go.

 

This is a message I really feel strongly about and want to communicate to people out there : you do need to let go of this relationship and give it up, because the relationship is not there anymore, it has ceased to be from the moment the other person told you they wanted out - but you don't need to let go of and give up on the love you feel for them. Clenching to a dead relationship is bad. But love is good. Just recycle that love now, use it as incentive for whatever's meaningful for you.

 

One last thing : as for his reasons for breaking up... I refer to them from time to time on this board. Not wanting a relationship, not wanting to settle down, wanting time to sort himself out etc. My reasons : being fed-up with the merry-go-round of insecurity and feeling let down by a non-commital guy.

But I'm not mad at him for real, he never meant wrong. We were just a bad match, or maybe we had bad timing. He said he loves me and I know he does, and that's a comforting thought, even though he's not with me anymore.

 

Oh, and about that thing he told me at the party back in March ("this is tough isn't it? Don't you feel like we haven't done all there was to do?"): I've asked him about it, and he says it's a misunderstanding, and he was just trying to tell me that if I needed to talk to him to get more closure, he was open to that. Duh?? To this day, I'm doubtful that he was being honest with himself when he was telling that's all it was about. I really do think at one point he doubted his decision, but then as he thought about it more and decided splitting was definitely best, he kind of re-wrote the past for himself.

Bottom line, I think he was just confused, and yeah maybe I could have got him back if at that moment when he came up to me, but who wants to be with a guy who is confused about what he wants. Homebrew says it all.

Whatever, I'm done trying to decode his mixed messages and confused behavior. I just decided to hear him out when he said he didn't want to do this relationship anymore. That was clear enough.

 

I gave you much more of an answer that you asked for, sorry, it just feels good to let it all out.

Venting is good, and I'll do it again.

Vent away people!

Edited June 12, 2011 by Karala

[RuinedLife]

Just going back to that clown issue for a moment...

 

Suppose you went looking for the clown, you found him, he took the cake you offered him, ignored your fancy dress costume and happy yet dazed demeanor, and proceeded to yank your heart from your chest once again, this time leaving you alone to bleed all over the cold hard floor on the corridor. Leaving you no functioning life organ to sustain you. And the only way you managed to survive this ordeal was because your limp lifeless body was discovered by doctors and you were quickly hooked you up to a life support machine. A life machine without which, you would now surely die.

 

By this I mean, I feel so broken inside that only medication and therapist checks are keeping me "alive" but I still feel limp inside. And if these therapists and meds were all to suddenly vanish (i.e. someone were to pull the plug of my life support machine) I'm pretty sure I wouldn't last long.

 

In order to solve this conundrum I feel I must either-

 

A) Transfer my essence to a new body (i.e. become a completely different person with the help of therapy)

 

B) Look deep inside my soul to find the inner strength enough to heal up my "broken" heart and return to my old, although somewhat out-dated (immature) self.

 

I guess it should be a combination. But at the moment I feel like my pulse rate is rapidly dropping and the machine plug wiggling.

[Karala]

RL, you gave me such a fright, for a moment I thought you'd actually gone to see your ex and he rejected you again. Promise you'll never do that, ok? I know you probably wouldn't but give me reassurance anyway because you got me scared there! :-o

[RuinedLife]

RL, you gave me such a fright, for a moment I thought you'd actually gone to see your ex and he rejected you again. Promise you'll never do that, ok? I know you probably wouldn't but give me reassurance anyway because you got me scared there! :-o

 

No I didn't go to see him again. But 3 weeks ago I sent him a long somewhat over the top email and I haven't heard a word from him since.

 

I do have to see him again at some point though, when I'm feeling better, because I left a load of my stuff at his house.

[Kazmi]

I went through this thread and I have to say to you Karala - you said some very inspiring things... I feel like I'm in the same situation as you, I can relate to many points in your own personal story and because of that some of the things you wrote to Ruined really touched me.

I'm going to save them in a little word document and return to them in need

It's nice people with your insights post in these forums...

Thank you, and good luck!

 

And to you too Ruined, I think in a matter you represent many of us...

 

(just looked at your signature... I just LOVE monty python's dead parrot sketch)

[Karala]

I went through this thread and I have to say to you Karala - you said some very inspiring things... I feel like I'm in the same situation as you, I can relate to many points in your own personal story and because of that some of the things you wrote to Ruined really touched me.

I'm going to save them in a little word document and return to them in need

It's nice people with your insights post in these forums...

Thank you, and good luck!

 

And to you too Ruined, I think in a matter you represent many of us...

 

(just looked at your signature... I just LOVE monty python's dead parrot sketch)

 

Thank you so much! I'm so glad I could help :]

 

And as for the Monty Python sketch... It always made me laugh like a maniac, but lately I find it even more irresistible because I think it relates so much to the heart/mind conflict that is going on in most of us... and to the fact that in this instance we need to heed the mind's take on things and face the fact that as much as we hate it... the relationship is dead, it's extinct, it has ceased to be, it is no more etc., lol ^^

[Karala]

I do have to see him again at some point though, when I'm feeling better, because I left a load of my stuff at his house.

 

I hope "some point" is far enough in time to let us all proceed with a great "You don't really HAVE to see him again, someone else can go pick your stuff for you" campaign ;]

[geegirl]

You know RL, I read your last post and by the time I finished, I felt depressed.

 

You get into these dramatics and lose yourself in morbid visuals and deathly outcomes. It's almost as if you are sitting there and playing these sketches of doom over and over in your head and then you come here and you write them down and it's a never ending fall into a black hole.

 

It's almost as if you drowning in a tub and instead of trying to get out, you're struggling to find the tap so you can turn it on full blast.

 

Stop being overly dramatic with the theatrics. You're feeding yourself not only with negativity but lacing it will all types of creative morbidity. You are feeding into your emotions, and most likely making it 10 times worse than what you're actually feeling.

 

Instead of sitting there and investing the energy in the clown, why not focus on investing your creativity into writing something positive, for once.

 

Have you come up with some writing projects? If yes, what are they? If no, what are you waiting for? I've only read one positive thing from you and that is you played chess with your brother.

 

A) Transfer my essence to a new body (i.e. become a completely different person with the help of therapy)

 

B) Look deep inside my soul to find the inner strength enough to heal up my "broken" heart and return to my old, although somewhat out-dated (immature) self.

 

You're so caught up in the romantics and dramatics that you're failing to just see it for what it is and focus on the reality that the road to healing hurts. It f'n hurts to the core.

 

He left. You are heartbroken. You need to heal. You have to work on yourself. You must focus. You will feel intense pain. You will feel like s*** and then some for awhile. You will feel hopeless. All this creative dribble of clowns and cake and lifeless bodies and life support machines is not doing you any good.

 

You remain this way because you are choosing to dig a hole and stay there. Shovel your way deeper and deeper. That's what you are doing. When you are sad, read a book that is inspiring. Find a self help book and stay consistent in reading what touches you over and over again.

 

You have to reprogram your thoughts. Even your talent for writing has fallen victim to your negativity.

[Karala]

Geegirl, I am with you 100%. I know for me, resisting the temptation to romanticize my breakup is saving my life. If I gave in, I could probably settle into a full Miss Havisham syndrome for the rest of my life.

 

So I just tell myself... "Huh, I've been dumped... It sucks."

 

Not romantic, not glorious... Just mundane enough to make me want to move my attention to something else already.

[geegirl]

Geegirl, I am with you 100%. I know for me, resisting the temptation to romanticize my breakup is saving my life. If I gave in, I could probably settle into a full Miss Havisham syndrome for the rest of my life.

 

So I just tell myself... "Huh, I've been dumped... It sucks."

 

Not romantic, not glorious... Just mundane enough to make me want to move my attention to something else already.

 

You are absolutely right. The more you continue to romanticize the more you dwell and you intensify the loss. It doesn't work for you but against you.

 

I would never wish the pain of a break up on anyone. But at some point in our lives we all have to go through it, sometimes not just once but a few times. It's life. It hurts and there's no way around it. Treat it as such. The sooner you wrestle this pig to the ground, the faster you get yourself out of the mud.

[RuinedLife]

You know RL, I read your last post and by the time I finished, I felt depressed.

 

You get into these dramatics and lose yourself in morbid visuals and deathly outcomes. It's almost as if you are sitting there and playing these sketches of doom over and over in your head and then you come here and you write them down and it's a never ending fall into a black hole.

 

It's almost as if you drowning in a tub and instead of trying to get out, you're struggling to find the tap so you can turn it on full blast.

 

Stop being overly dramatic with the theatrics. You're feeding yourself not only with negativity but lacing it will all types of creative morbidity. You are feeding into your emotions, and most likely making it 10 times worse than what you're actually feeling.

 

Instead of sitting there and investing the energy in the clown, why not focus on investing your creativity into writing something positive, for once.

 

Have you come up with some writing projects? If yes, what are they? If no, what are you waiting for? I've only read one positive thing from you and that is you played chess with your brother.

 

A) Transfer my essence to a new body (i.e. become a completely different person with the help of therapy)

 

B) Look deep inside my soul to find the inner strength enough to heal up my "broken" heart and return to my old, although somewhat out-dated (immature) self.

 

You're so caught up in the romantics and dramatics that you're failing to just see it for what it is and focus on the reality that the road to healing hurts. It f'n hurts to the core.

 

He left. You are heartbroken. You need to heal. You have to work on yourself. You must focus. You will feel intense pain. You will feel like s*** and then some for awhile. You will feel hopeless. All this creative dribble of clowns and cake and lifeless bodies and life support machines is not doing you any good.

 

You remain this way because you are choosing to dig a hole and stay there. Shovel your way deeper and deeper. That's what you are doing. When you are sad, read a book that is inspiring. Find a self help book and stay consistent in reading what touches you over and over again.

 

You have to reprogram your thoughts. Even your talent for writing has fallen victim to your negativity.

 

Mmm... well I was thinking maybe I could post some of the poetry I've written lately on here. But now I'm thinking maybe not. As its got somewhat of an emo-esk quality to it, which I'm pretty sure won't convey that all inspiring and motivating message that people struggling with heartbreak and depression need to help them recover and move on. *Hides*

 

Geegirl, I am with you 100%. I know for me, resisting the temptation to romanticize my breakup is saving my life. If I gave in, I could probably settle into a full Miss Havisham syndrome for the rest of my life.

 

So I just tell myself... "Huh, I've been dumped... It sucks."

 

Not romantic, not glorious... Just mundane enough to make me want to move my attention to something else already.

 

Great attitude Karala!! You have been such an inspirational force for me ever since we met on here! And I adore you for that!! I only wish I could snap up to your level!

[geegirl]

This is a public forum RL. You can post anything you want. If you're posting to help others in terms of providing uplifting, encouraging and motivating words of hope, then by all means do so. Know there is hope that you will survive this. I'd love to read your poetry. Anything other than that, I would probably guess would just be adding to the depressing, sad and forlorn state of affairs. But that's your choice and the choice of the readers.

 

I only bust your chops because I hate to see you hammer yourself to the ground.

Edited June 20, 2011 by geegirl

[Karala]

Mmm... well I was thinking maybe I could post some of the poetry I've written lately on here. But now I'm thinking maybe not. As its got somewhat of an emo-esk quality to it, which I'm pretty sure won't convey that all inspiring and motivating message that people struggling with heartbreak and depression need to help them recover and move on. *Hides*

 

I'm real curious about your poetry too! Art is one thing, living your life day-to-day is another... I think... I make songs, and in my songs I don't hold back on any romanticizing or dramatizing, as for me songs are little spots for settling into whatever feelings make their home in my heart... They let me feel the feelings fully, and then I'm free to move on to feeling something else and to remember that there's more to me and to life...

 

I also like the feeling of indulging totally in one of those feelings through my songs, and then being able to not take myself too seriously and have a little bit of humor about my own emo-eskness ^^

 

 

 

Great attitude Karala!! You have been such an inspirational force for me ever since we met on here! And I adore you for that!! I only wish I could snap up to your level!

[RuinedLife]

This is a public forum RL. You can post anything you want. If you're posting to help others in terms of providing uplifting, encouraging and motivating words of hope, then by all means do so. Know there is hope that you will survive this. I'd love to read your poetry. Anything other than that, I would probably guess would just be adding to the depressing, sad and forlorn state of affairs. But that's your choice and the choice of the readers.

 

I only bust your chops because I hate to see you hammer yourself to the ground.

 

I know geegirl and I thank you for it.

 

Also, and I know you probably don't believe me, but I would be doing exactly the same and dishing out some of that tougher love if I were my old self. Truth be told I barely recognize myself these days in anything I say or do. Its like when I lost my relationship, when I lost my ex, I also lost that "happy, laid back, positive part of myself" and I'm struggling every day to get some small semblance of that back, but its been like grasping at oily straws so far, happiness one minute, gone again the next.

 

I'm not denying it though, I was the epitome of a codependent, dependent partner in my relationship, the absolute epitome. Invested all (gambled all) and lost it all due to the inadequate nature of my gambling statistics.

 

Ok so that's an explanation not an excuse. But still. You can hold me up as a case study if you like to future generations of LS dumpees. How NOT to deal with a break up. Then at least I'd be making a positive contribution for a change.

[Karala]

Great attitude Karala!! You have been such an inspirational force for me ever since we met on here! And I adore you for that!! I only wish I could snap up to your level!

 

Thank you so much! I'm not happiness personified by a long shot, but I'm very happy that I can give you any strenght or inspiration!

[geegirl]

You hit the nail on the head Karala. It's one thing to write about your feelings, indulge in them in whatever form and of course, everyone is entitled to do that but when it comes to the point where you're dwelling obsessively and in a state of morbid thoughts and writing about the end of your life, and such, it's not a good thing. It only breeds and feeds negativity.

 

I may not write songs or poetry but I do sometimes listen to a sad song, ponder on a sad thought only to feel what's in my heart at the time. I grasp it, feel it, cry if I must and then I force myself to let it go. Giving it more than that, most often will make you spiral.