Needing advice on how to deal with untrustworthy wench...

[AngelicDevl]

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Okay, I am new here to the board, but not to relationships. I have been with my boyfriend for 7months and am totally in love with him. We arecommitted to each other and I know without a doubt that he loves me more than anything. I have a few problems though that I'm having a hardtime dealing with. He has a female friend that he knew for a while. Several months before we started dating (he was single at the time) they had sex. It only happened once and he says he regrets it now. He says he felt compelled to do it because she wanted him to fora really long time. Now, whats in the past is the past, BUT this girl thinks she can just start showing her face around and hang out with us when I really cant stand her. She knws that I know about this 'incident' but seems to think I shouldnt have a problem with her wanting to hang out with my man alone. While I'm generally not the jealous type, I dont trust her at all. I DO trust my boyfriend but I just dont want her around him when I'm not there, lest she try any more bull. I do not believe my bf would cheat on me but the thought of her beiong around him absolutely sickens me. She also is engaged and was also when she slept with him. I see that as a sign of being a lying, cheating, backstabbing slut. I dontlike to discuss this with my boyfriend because there's nothing he can do. He makes no effort to call her or do anything with her but she just wont go away! I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about this and it's causing major stress for me.

 

Is there any advice anyone can give me?

[UCFKevin]

I dontlike to discuss this with my boyfriend because there's nothing he can do.

 

Unfortunately, that's what you need to do. Tell him how you feel.

 

I know what you mean about trusting him but not her.

[AngelicDevl]

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I've done that and he thinks that I'm justified in my feelings. However, he doesnt like to make waves so he doesnt want to come out and tell her to go away. He doesnt return her calls or answer when she calls, nor does he make plans with her. She just wont go away!

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

Why does it sicken you, the thought of them being alone? If you trust your boyfriend, you will *know* nothing is going on, and it won't even cross your mind what he is doing or who he is with, because you know it will all be cool. It sounds to me like you still have small doubts about some areas of his life, although you are very trusting usually with him.

 

How does your boyfriend feel about hanging out with her? Does he consider her enough of a friend that he would miss hanging out with her (much as he would a close male friend)? You might need to talk to him and find out his standpoint on the issue and take it from there.

 

Don't get in a situation though where they only reason you are doing this is because you are just marking your territory by warding off anyone that you think likes/wants your guy. If it isn't this girl, it will be another one down the line who has a crush on your guy.

 

So... if problems start to arise, her stalking him, showing up unwanted, etc. then you should deal with her, dismiss her, file a restraint, take her out back, w/e. But like I said, if it isn't this girl, it will be another-- just make sure you don't become the "jealous" type.

[Arabess]

Once again....I'll supply the unpopular choice of having a real nice conversation with her in some dark parking lot. If I didn't want a woman hanging around me and my boyfriend.....trust me....she wouldn't be around very long.

[Girlie]

Your boyfriend may not like to make waves, but from the sounds of the situation, waves are already being made whether he likes it or not. I think it was good for him to ignore her by not taking her calls or not making plans with her...most normal women would have gotten the hint and moved on. However, this one's not. If he truly doesn't want her around, he really should step up and tell her that he will not hang out with her because it's causing friction with his lady. Just my opinion.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

Believe me, it isn't that unpopular, Arabess I just think that should be a last resort, after all other options have been exhausted... otherwise, if the problem is handled this way with different women, different times, you will come across as a control freak, or the jealous type...

 

and although it's nice to have someone feel in such a way that they can't stand others around at times, nobody really wants that for the long term.. it can enter other sectors that you don't want effected, and he might start feeling like he can't hang out with his guy friends who want his time, or that he can't do other things he used to like.

 

Perhaps I'm just taking this out to one of the many nth degrees, but I've seen such a thing happen

[AngelicDevl]

He knows I have no problem with him hanging out with his other guy friends, as he does this regularly, and sometimes they even invite me Thankfully, this wench lives in another part of the state and she isnt around every day. He has completely stopped taking her calls and returning messages. I just dont like being in the position of having to be nice to someone I cant stand just because she feels like being around where she isnt welcome. When she's in town, she'll sometimes 'accidentally' show up at our favorite haunts and make a spectacle of herself, as usual. I've been the adult about it so far, I havent said a cross word to her and am completely civil, but never nice. I dont want her to think I like her because I dont. That dark parking lot idea is sounding better and better but I've really been hoping she'd just fall into a bottomless pit somewhere.

 

On the subject of trust, I most certainly DO trust my bf and have no problem with him out with his buddies or whatever. This chick, however, is completely untrustworthy and sneaky to boot. She cheated on her fiance once already (that I know of) and I dont feellike letting her have time alone with my man to attmpt another excursion. My bf has no problem not hanging out with her, and has stated such time and again. I am not the jealous type, but I think the circumstances surrounding her actions and her behavior warrant a little more vigilance on my part. While I am not territorial, she has already proven that she will go to any length to deceive those she allegedly loves. I'm not going to give her the chance to make an attempt with my man...he'd turn her down, I'm sure, but why should she get another opportunity to try? Besides, if she's stupid enough to try anything with him again, whether I witness it or not, she deserves the ass whooping she'll be promptly receiving.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

Well noted

 

You know your b/f would turn her down, and know that she might try, but that isn't necessarily a reason to resort to such actions so outright.

 

I would give her the chance, because you can't say for certain that she won't simply "give up" on him once she sees how devoted he is. I would wait until such a time where she makes her actions aparent and tries something, then proceed to take her to the dark parking lot

[chrissy4534624]

Arabess I LIKE the way u think girlie! That is so me!

 

Grrr when I got a trust issue with a man over a female, it's usually because I don't TRUST the female over the guy. As much in love with u that he could be, I know plenty of females who get off on going after other peoples men. It is ashame but if your man is caught in a dark room with a hoochie momma who starts to seduce him, there aren't THAT many guys who are gonna push her away. A lot of married women will argue that and say NOT MY MAN but in all honesty maybe I've spent too much time working with all males because I have seen some crazy stuff since I joined the military. The SWEETEST nicest guys, who I believed were 100% faithful to their women (showed it around them and talked highly of their wives) were the same dudes I went away with on temporary assignments with where they were trying to hook up with as many women as possible while away. It was really disgusting. I work at an all male industrial shop and became one of the boys, I always thought of myself as being a tomboy and having all guy friends my whole life I thought I really knew men, UNTIL NOW. Now working along side of the guys and being like one of them, I've really seen some disgusting ****. I'm pretty much at the point of no hope for dudes right now as I've seen, heard, and have watched so many guys I had respect for cheat on their wives. I'm really disapointed. The bragging and crap that goes on when guys are alone and bonding is just pathetic. I grew up with all guys and I guess as much of friends as I always was with men, I never saw the upclose and pathetic that I see now in the military being the only female to ever work at my shop.

The issue with the females is that I also know enough females that will kiss your man when your head is turned, I had a problem with a friend going after my xfiance when we first started dating and she had no respect for me what so ever. She started flirting with him infront of me as soon as she met him, and that same night I left pissed off to my room (next door in the dorms to him) and she stayed hanging out in his room until about 3 in the morning. Granted there was another guy there, but she completely disrespected me and I believed she was a friend. She spent weeks hanging around my "boyfriend" at the time and I dumped him but it was just as if she was doing it to try to show me that she could. A lot of females will feel good about themselves if they think they can interfear in someones relationship. I still see this girl around and I still want to bust her in the face but I can't or i'll go to jail. Funny thing is my x didn't do anything with her but it did turn out that she had Herpies which explains a lot. She gave it to some other guy she was banging in the dorms at the time, it's just too bad she didn't give it to my x because I still can't forgive him for even letting the tramp hang around. I felt like he was disrespecting me because she down right went after him infront of me, being her "friend" and all thats just really uncalled for. He didn't tell her to leave his room that night and that's still an issue that pisses me off. We didn't talk for weeks afterwards but that is just the typical kind of girl that causes me to DISTRUST men AROUND certain women. Guys don't have that much when it comes to self restraint when a female is pushing herself on him, if he's in love or not. Just my opinion.

Wow I like this forum, its like therapy hahah