jojoqueen Posted May 16, 2011 Share Posted May 16, 2011 Ok, so my spouse and I went through a tough time trying to repair our relationship because of an 'email' 'affair'. He even left the house for a few days. I thought we had agreed that flirty emails with coworkers was not good for our relationship. I had agreed to stop looking through his phone. I had ignored his phone for awhile, (i had figured that even if there was anything going on, he most certainly wouldn't leave it on his phone.) However, my curiosity got the better of me recently.... I know that the 'flirty' emails are still going on with at least 2 seperate coworkers. What I am curious about is could it be possible that I am the only one who thinks it is wrong to discuss tanned nipples and butt rubs with people? Is it a common occurance for men and woman to 'flirt' in this way? I am just not sure if possibly I am overreacting. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 OMG! Of course you are not overreacting! If you wouldn't say it, do it, look at it without your SO standing at your shoulder, than it is plain wrong! The minute you do it in secret, well. that is a whole 'nother boundary crossed. Would he be "fine" with you having conversations like this with male co-workers, old boyfriends, new male friends? Nipple tanning and butt rubbing? Yeesh! I mean, c'mon! What did you do to repair the last incident of flirty inappropriate emails? Did you draw a line in the sand and say never again or else? What were the consequences for him when you discovered those? Did you guys go to MC? I mean why be married if you intend to have THOSE kinds of conversations with friends or co-workers of the opposite sex? What are you both doing to repair this relationship? Why does he NEED to have that type of conversations with sexual innuendo with other women? Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 some women just have zero class. they will do and say anything to get attention from a man. No this is not normal. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
ver13 Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 IMO anytime you decide to start talking about sexual topics such as nipples, butt rubbs, oral etc... with someone that is not your partner you are crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. I love to flirt but I have and I keep boundaries when I engage a lovely woman. Why because my W doesn't deserve being disrespected like that whether she knows about it or not. For me you are right on point with what you are saying to him and how you feel about his actions. Just ask him to put hisself in your place what if it were you doing with a man at your job what would he say. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 You are not crazy. He is definately crossing boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Not acceptable. I would start by asking him why he feels the need to carry on like that. His reply should be interesting to say the least I would imagine. Link to post Share on other sites
jmsclayton Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Hi Maybe talk to you about it is ok. but not to another woman. He is breaking yoru trust in you. That doesnt help the kids any Judith Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 Ok, so my spouse and I went through a tough time trying to repair our relationship because of an 'email' 'affair'. He even left the house for a few days. I thought we had agreed that flirty emails with coworkers was not good for our relationship. I had agreed to stop looking through his phone. I had ignored his phone for awhile, (i had figured that even if there was anything going on, he most certainly wouldn't leave it on his phone.) However, my curiosity got the better of me recently.... I know that the 'flirty' emails are still going on with at least 2 seperate coworkers. What I am curious about is could it be possible that I am the only one who thinks it is wrong to discuss tanned nipples and butt rubs with people? Is it a common occurance for men and woman to 'flirt' in this way? I am just not sure if possibly I am overreacting. I understand that you just want to be sure that you are not overreacting, but I'm wondering if you really thought you were overreacting? Come on, this is not flirty, it's dirty! It's e-sex! Is there any part of you that didn't believe this was completely inappropriate; not even a close call? I'm not trying to criticize you in the slightest, I'm just amazed at how far weird the world has become when one has to question whether this kind of communication between a married person and a coworker is "appropriate". I don't think taking away his phone is going to help much because the problem is much, much deeper than that. Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 BTW, it is likely that your husband will start accusing you of over-reacting if you confront him. So make sure you have all the facts, be prepared, and be calm when you do so. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted May 17, 2011 Share Posted May 17, 2011 I wouldn't accept conversations of that nature , either---I see it as crossing a line, and signaling availablity. I don't think you're overreacting at all, OP.Your H might try to paint you with that brush, but that's nothing more than a self-serving form of blameshifting. on his part.Criticizing you for your reaction , to take the spotlight off of his own behavior. Have you tried asking him how he would feel if YOU were having conversations of that nature with a male co worker,behind HIS back? Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 You are NOT overreacting. BTW, it is likely that your husband will start accusing you of over-reacting if you confront him. So make sure you have all the facts, be prepared, and be calm when you do so. I agree with everythng nyrias says except for 'be calm'. I'd say be however you feel (short of violent, of course). Link to post Share on other sites
Author jojoqueen Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 I haven't said anything yet about the new stuff I found, I suppose in some sick way I didn't think it was enough, however, I looked for more and now all of it is gone, so now even if I do say anything I am liable to hear lies, and right now, I just don't think I can take anymore lies. I am starting to think that I could almost deal with the emails if they weren't clouded in the lies. Link to post Share on other sites
nyrias Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 I haven't said anything yet about the new stuff I found, I suppose in some sick way I didn't think it was enough, however, I looked for more and now all of it is gone, so now even if I do say anything I am liable to hear lies, and right now, I just don't think I can take anymore lies. I am starting to think that I could almost deal with the emails if they weren't clouded in the lies. I am sorry you are in this mess. I will raise two more points. First, you are not alone. As & EAs are pretty prevalent in the US, given the statistics we have seen. So you are not suffering a lone. There are MUCH MUCH worse cases. Secondly, and very unfortunately, it is NOT likely you will ever be able to get the whole truth. If the emails are erased, it is almost impossible to get back and all you have are a) his words, and b) his future behavior. Thus, you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to continue with him, given that it is likely the past may never be fully revealed to you. Of course, you can and should demand full disclosure & openness in the future (which there is *some* chance you can enforce). I know these are not great scenarios either way .. but unfortunately they probably are the realistic ones. Link to post Share on other sites
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