A message to WS's

[LilyBart]

So much is written on this board about how you "shouldn't" have an A.

That one needs to "stop and think" about what you're about to do before you engage in it.

 

Well, sometimes THE HORSE IS ALREADY OUT OF THE GATE.

 

As a matter of fact, I highly doubt there are people here who are "thinking" about having an EA/PA and mulling over their options. Chances are they are already tangled up in it pretty deeply and trying to find their way out of it and find a solution - one way or the other.

 

For all you WS's out there - if this is the case, there's no sense in thinking of the would've, should've, could've-s.

What's done is done.

If you're in an A, you're in an A.

 

What you need to do is take stock of where your life is NOW.

 

What do you want out of your life? What makes you happy? What's your ideal situation if you could have ANYTHING you want? Think big because that's what makes people grow. Don't censor your heart and gut - be open to what it's telling you. The truth of what you want will the beacon, leading you down the right path.

 

Once you understand your goals and desires - you have the power to make it happen. Whether it's to re-engage and work on your M and make it as spectacular or dissolve it, move on and have a different life that's equally spectacular.

 

NOW is what matters, along with the steps you take to get to your "ideal life". So the question becomes: Are you going to take advantage of it?

[greengoddess]

 

funny.

 

Children wanting a new shiny toy.

 

They quickly tire of it.

 

You are telling people to act on impulse and enjoy. So silly. Crap if I did that I would be a smoker (gross) drug user (gross) unemployed from calling out of work to play, broke from buying on impulse etc etc.

 

Hmmm maybe it's a maturity thing.

[Spark1111]

Well, why do so many cheaters suffer depression, heartbreak, and are sometimes suicidal when their spouse, family and friends discover the affair?

 

Why do the majority, when the light of day is shone on their actions, often throw the AP under the bus and beg to reconcile? Then flip-flop like a wet rag doll, still unable to decide?

 

Are you talking of that very, very rare exit affair? Where the marriage is long dead and the MM or MW moves quickly to divorce upon meeting someone new?

 

I mean if it were such an opportunity growth and happiness, which I would surely support in anyone's life.....

 

WHY KEEP IT A SECRET FROM YOUR SPOUSE, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR PARENTS, SIBLINGS, FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS?

 

Would not ONE of the people in your long life, who knows you and loves you, rejoice that you have finally found happiness and true love? Would those who know you best, also know how it was ABOUT TIME you found happiness and got out of that miserable marriage with that cold, unloving, selfish spouse?

 

Wouldn't you shout your love and good fortune from the rooftops?

 

The only reason I personally can think of for keeping this wonderful relationship and oppurtunity for growth a SECRET is:

 

Confusion, Cowardice and Cake-eating.

 

Not good, not good at all.

 

I'm all for dreaming big! And making your life the best it could possibly be. And shouting that from the rooftop with the full support of friends and family. GO FOR IT!

 

Just don't whisper into one ear....in secret.

 

OWN your actions. Like a real grown up!

[greengoddess]

spark I need a like button!

[whichwayisup]

As a matter of fact, I highly doubt there are people here who are "thinking" about having an EA/PA and mulling over their options. Chances are they are already tangled up in it pretty deeply and trying to find their way out of it and find a solution - one way or the other.

 

Well, choices are made, decisions and plans are made too. So no, it isn't just one day a cheater wakes up and realizes "Oops! Oh crap! I'm in an affair.."

WTF........

 

For all you WS's out there - if this is the case, there's no sense in thinking of the would've, should've, could've-s.

What's done is done.

If you're in an A, you're in an A.

 

NO, they SHOULD be thinking, 'could've, should've,would've' that way they LEARN so it doesn't happen again.

What do you want out of your life? What makes you happy? What's your ideal situation if you could have ANYTHING you want? Think big because that's what makes people grow. Don't censor your heart and gut - be open to what it's telling you. The truth of what you want will the beacon, leading you down the right path.

 

Hmm, on the expense of an innocent spouse and kids?? WTF..Again.

 

It's thoughts like this that LEAD into an affair. Selfishly..To put yourself first over a spouse, children, family..

[Holding-On]

lol.

When I saw this message. I clicked. I imagined it would be a statement along the lines of "watch out. BSs only on this forum buddy!"

but basically the following posters did say that.

 

I re-read the statement. I think saying "your already in an affair so do some soulsearching and make firm choices and live with them" is actually good advice. Constructive advice.

 

I can do without the pie in the sky idealism but it beats the pants off "how to correctly apply your scarlet letter" threads.

 

Course it does take us away from our regularly scheduled programming of bashing WS. So please carry on.

[Spark1111]

lol.

When I saw this message. I clicked. I imagined it would be a statement along the lines of "watch out. BSs only on this forum buddy!"

but basically the following posters did say that.

 

I re-read the statement. I think saying "your already in an affair so do some soulsearching and make firm choices and live with them" is actually good advice. Constructive advice.

 

I can do without the pie in the sky idealism but it beats the pants off "how to correctly apply your scarlet letter" threads.

 

Course it does take us away from our regularly scheduled programming of bashing WS. So please carry on.

 

Hey HO, I don't know your story or LB's either.

 

But I do know miserable marriages that linger like a terminal illness, and when one or both partners find a new person and grow happy and fulfilled in front of the eye's of everyone who loves them, we CHEER them ON!

 

It is a blessing! For the partners and the kids.

 

The problem is, these people and all who know and love them are informed immediately and plans are put in place and they move on.

 

They do not keep it a secret for years! Or even months! It happens.

 

So when I see that level of personal growth and it galvanizes ACTION, I get it and support it. All the loved ones do.

[woinlove]

A person who continues the deception, trying to figure out their own goals, while continuing the marriage, is going to be limited in their personal growth. They have the opportunity to stop lying and to give their spouse an equal chance to figure out his/her own goals based on the present reality. If they have the capacity to care for others, treating others better and living more honestly is an opportunity to not be squandered.

[Snowflower]

I agree with "the horse is already out of the gate" analogy. It is sometimes frustrating to see a WS who is working through the mess they made by having affair be pounded on continuously with remarks of "you shouldn't have done that."

 

Duh, obviously they should not have.

 

There are unfortunately very few WS here because they are pounded on by the other two sides of the infidelity triangle. If they want to leave the marriage, they are pounded on by BS. If they are remorseful and want to save their marriage, they are pounded on by the AP and often by the BS as well.

 

But people here are hurting and the one that caused most of the hurt is a WS/MP. They are obvious targets. It has been that way since I came to these boards 2 years ago. It isn't going to change.

[donnamaybe]

The message to, basically, "shyte or get off the pot" is a good one. However, it shouldn't necessarily be one of "so choose the OW/OM already!" It should be "so make a choice already!"

[Owl]

The message to, basically, "shyte or get off the pot" is a good one. However, it shouldn't necessarily be one of "so choose the OW/OM already!" It should be "so make a choice already!"

 

EXACTLY!!!!!

 

There's no requirement to choose either (regardless of what the OP seems to feel is being said here).

 

My typical response is to tell the WS to make a choice...develop a gameplan to implement that goal, and then implement their plan.

 

If the goal is reconciliation of the marriage...I have experience in that area and can offer advice and support. If the goal becomes the affair partner, that's outside of my area of expertise, and I bow out of the thread. Simple enough, and no harshness required.

[LilyBart]

The message to, basically, "shyte or get off the pot" is a good one. However, it shouldn't necessarily be one of "so choose the OW/OM already!" It should be "so make a choice already!"

 

Projecting much? Where in my OP did I even mention the only choice is to choose the OW/OM "already"? Please, point this out to me.

 

WS's are at a crossroads. They are where they are. All too often, they are being bashed for what they should have done. In my book, if they are in an A it's past that point. So they need to look forward and decide where they want to go from here.

 

If they choose the M, so be it. If they choose their AP, so be it. People are often too afraid to make the wrong choice. But it's not about making "wrong" choices.

 

My advice was to simply look deep within and imagine the "ultimate life" they could be living. What does it look like? How badly do you want it? And to go from there.

[donnamaybe]

Think big because that's what makes people grow. Don't censor your heart and gut - be open to what it's telling you.

 

This part smacks of "leave for your AP," at least to me. Sorry if I misread the intent.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP, your premise is that an affair is the big chance for a person who is stagnating in an unfulfilling marriage to finally grab true happiness with their affair partner.

 

I do not believe that this is the case in more than a tiny handful of circumstances.

 

Often, an affair is a symptom of serious marriage problems - and often the marriage is unsalvageable. The affair might be an escape, a distraction, or a calculated mess to blow up the sinking ship so that the unhappy married person can avoid the unpleasant - and mature, courageous - responsibility of fixing or ending the marriage, sorting through it all and moving on. Having an affair can be a successful passive/aggressive move.

 

Rarely, rarely does an affair and the individual engaged in the affair with a married person represent the chance for :love: "True Love and Happiness":love::love: (I wish I could insert some rainbows and My Little Ponies here,) I know that it does, in a few cases - very few. Personally, I don't know of any, though I know of dozens of marriages that were impacted and / or ended by affairs. I'm over 50. For the record, I have cheated (not while married, but while in a long term, live - in and committed relationship), I messed around with my married boss when I was 19, and I have been through a very devastating divorce. Just so you know where I am coming from. None of the "extra" sexual stuff I engaged in represented a chance for true happiness for me or for the other person, though it certainly did represent a big problem in the primary committed relationship that was being betrayed.

 

You are certainly very invested in your position that an affair does actually represent a person's chance for true happiness. Though I suspect you are a familiar entity here on LS and we might all know your story, why don't you share it. I'm interested. And please include your explanation as to why the "affair" aspect of the whole story had to be a part of it at all. Why isn't the unhappily married person simply encouraged to move away from the misery, thus freeing him or herself up to experience a good, healthy, fulfilling relationship?

[donnamaybe]

OP, your premise is that an affair is the big chance for a person who is stagnating in an unfulfilling marriage to finally grab true happiness with their affair partner.

See, that's the impression I got from the first post as well. It's not just me then.

[luvbun80]

Think big because that's what makes people grow. Don't censor your heart and gut - be open to what it's telling you.

 

This part smacks of "leave for your AP," at least to me. Sorry if I misread the intent.

 

That would mean that married life automatically means stifling your heart and desires

 

Once you understand your goals and desires - you have the power to make it happen. Whether it's to re-engage and work on your M and make it as spectacular or dissolve it, move on and have a different life that's equally spectacular.

 

IE, think long term, one way or another.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

 

My advice was to simply look deep within and imagine the "ultimate life" they could be living. What does it look like? How badly do you want it? And to go from there.

 

I very much agree with this advice - except that I do NOT believe that a person who is actively engaged in dishonest, destructive behavior (which an affair is, IMO) is in any kind of a place to be able to employ creative visualization techniques to create their "ultimate life." This would be for the person who has already done what was needed to "get right" with themselves, and with other people in life to whom they have willingly forged bonds and obligations which they'd now prefer to dissolve.

 

Really, on a much lesser scale, I even advise my daughter and single friends not to jump from one boy/girlfriend to the next - I just don't think it's healthy behavior, I don't think it's usually very fair to the boy/girlfriends, and I strongly believe that a person needs to be standing on their own two feet, emotionally speaking especially, in order to decide and to move towards their "ultimate life."

[tami-chan]

This part smacks of "leave for your AP," at least to me. Sorry if I misread the intent.

 

 

DM and Owl, The OP did not suggest choose the AP. You are both projecting your fears by your statements. The OP is actually a good one...message is clear "bust the move-either direction"-but you choose to take it to a place that ignites discord- this is one of the ways a thread goes south.

[donnamaybe]

That would mean that married life automatically means stifling your heart and desires

Nope. What that statement you quoted means to ME is "make kneejerk decisions like a teenager."

[donnamaybe]

You are both projecting your fears

 

I just get the BIGGEST kick when people toss "fears" out there. As if...

 

Carry on.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

I just get the BIGGEST kick when people toss "fears" out there. As if...

 

Carry on.

 

Fears and bitterness, too.

[donnamaybe]

Fears and bitterness, too.

And as if telling someone they have a particular opinion because they have "fears" isn't "igniting discord."

[Mme. Chaucer]

And as if telling someone they have a particular opinion because they have "fears" isn't "igniting discord."

 

I fear you're right!

[Owl]

DM and Owl, The OP did not suggest choose the AP. You are both projecting your fears by your statements. The OP is actually a good one...message is clear "bust the move-either direction"-but you choose to take it to a place that ignites discord- this is one of the ways a thread goes south.

 

Sorry TC...I'm not projecting fear at all.

 

I'm good. I'm happy with my life, and there's no fear involved in it.

 

Go read all of the other posts by the OP. There's a reason that we came to the conclusion that we did, and it has nothing to do with fear.

 

As far as me or DM leading this thread south...not at all. Sorry if you feel that way.

[tami-chan]

Nope. What that statement you quoted means to ME is "make kneejerk decisions like a teenager."

 

and you think if a cheater makes a "kneejerk decision" he/she would choose the affair partner? Wow..that is sad.

 

However, I think the OP said "taking stock" and examining what you want-I do not know about others, but doing those things require a lot of time to introspect and weighing in of options.