My story, is no contact forever ok?

[jonny78]

Long story short, I was with a girl for 2 years at uni, at the start of the final year she cheated on me with 'my friend' (who is obviously no longer my friend) and left me for him.

 

A lot of nasty words were exchanged...

 

It basically ruined my life, I had to cut off all of my friends (because they were all mutual) and it seems they chose the company of those two over mine.

 

So I pretty much lost everything and she seems as happy as can be... I only looked at her facebook once since we split and it was not a wise decision, pictures of them together etc... seems she's had the time of her life this term whilst i've been forced to stay away pretty much on my own (because i couldn't handle seeing it, and my 'friends' refused to pick sides so would still hang out with them on nights out)

 

I'm pretty much over it now I guess, I leave this godforsaken place in two weeks after my final exam (I live away from the main area where they all live together) so it wasn't hard to maintain no contact and live out my year pretty much alone, I spent a lot of time at home too with my real friends.

 

I have her mobile and e-mails blocked now... In the 4 months that I've been strict NC i've only ever heard from her once and it was a pointless text saying 'have you just added me on Facebook?' (I don't even have facebook anymore, I had to delete my account because we had so many mutual friends that a block wouldn't work) ... I ignored that message and that's when I initiated all my blocks.

 

I was waiting on an aplogy for a while but I guess it's never going to come... She's never apologised once or shown any signs of guilt... I guess that is the hardest part.

 

I genuinly cannot believe how a person can be so horrible, especially a person who I genuinly loved and treated amazingly (I know you might disagree and wonder why she really did what she did) but I promise you, I didn't do a thing bad.

 

My question is to you all, if she ever did contact me, would it be wrong to ignore her forever??? and I genuinly mean I have no interest in talking to this girl ever again after what she put me through... even in years if she were to reach out, I know time is a healer etc, but I will never beable to forgive or forget this, ever.

 

If I were to receive a letter via post would I be wrong to burn it without even reading it? I don't think anything she could say to me would help me in the slightest anymore.

 

I feel like no contact forever is the best thing for me, and I feel like that could be my closure...

 

She probably won't ever contact me anyways I guess, she clearly doesn't think about me or care at all, and I read these forums still... But i'm not ashamed, I'm proud of who I am and that I have feelings, unlike her.

 

I really have come a long way since it all happened. It's just nice to talk to people every now and then.

 

Any replies will be greatly appreciated, just general thoughts from you about any of the above... It helps me a lot.

 

Thankyou for reading,

Jonny.

[Billie The Puppet]

Sure NC forever is a personal choice that is acceptable and if it works best for you I don't see why not.

 

Although I do believe at one point this NC is not going to be logged it's just going to come second hand naturally and you won't even realize you are doing it.

[jonny78]

Thanks for the reply,

 

You are right, and the most likely scenario is that neither of us will contact, so I guess it will just become second nature for us both (or for me eventually, because it's already second nature for her I guess)

[Kari]

I think that sticking to NC is the best choice possible. It's understandable to not want them back in your life after what happened, I would make the same decision.

 

You need to focus on yourself, and make healthy new relationships (friendships).

Everything will be okay, happy that you've started moving on.

[Magnum]

I'd say having NC forever may be the right choice. I know I would do that if it was me. I would dread the thought of having to see her in person too But you must be strong and move along. That's my saying.

[jonny78]

Thanks for the replies guys, unfortunately my heart still feels something for this girl - even after all that, I think it always will seeing as she was my first love.

 

But my head is screwed on, I know that I want nothing to do with a person who could do the above.

 

I'm actually Ok with how things are left, I have my closure knowing I'm a decent person, and she's... Well, not very nice.

 

Maybe one day she'll feel the guilt of the above, maybe not - she's very selfish. I do think that karma will find her. If there is any justice in the world, it will.

 

I guess I have my closure, so my question to you all is, is deleting/burning any attempted contact without even reading it the way to go if it ever happens? Even 2 years from now if I know 100% I can't ever forgive or forget... No matter what could be said won't mean a thing after what I've been through, nothing can change it. Sho

[jonny78]

Thanks for the replies guys, unfortunately my heart still feels something for this girl - even after all that, I think it always will seeing as she was my first love.

 

But my head is screwed on, I know that I want nothing to do with a person who could do the above.

 

I'm actually Ok with how things are left, I have my closure knowing I'm a decent person, and she's... Well, not very nice.

 

Maybe one day she'll feel the guilt of the above, maybe not - she's very selfish. I do think that karma will find her. If there is any justice in the world, it will.

 

I guess I have my closure, so my question to you all is, is deleting/burning any attempted contact without even reading it the way to go if it ever happens? Even 2 years from now if I know 100% I can't ever forgive or forget... No matter what could be said won't mean a thing after what I've been through, nothing can change it.

 

I know I shouldn't feel guilty after all she's put me through, I'm just looking for reassurance as I've never wrote anybody out of my life before. Is the above the best way to handle communication if it ever happened? Just so I'm prepared...

[Kari]

Thanks for the replies guys, unfortunately my heart still feels something for this girl - even after all that, I think it always will seeing as she was my first love.

 

But my head is screwed on, I know that I want nothing to do with a person who could do the above.

 

I'm actually Ok with how things are left, I have my closure knowing I'm a decent person, and she's... Well, not very nice.

 

Maybe one day she'll feel the guilt of the above, maybe not - she's very selfish. I do think that karma will find her. If there is any justice in the world, it will.

 

I guess I have my closure, so my question to you all is, is deleting/burning any attempted contact without even reading it the way to go if it ever happens? Even 2 years from now if I know 100% I can't ever forgive or forget... No matter what could be said won't mean a thing after what I've been through, nothing can change it. Sho

 

It always takes time to get over, it's understandable just be patient. Our first loves we generally don't forget, but we can lose the love we had for them.

 

I believe that the negative one puts out in the world, the negative will come back to them. Rest assured, just be glad that you are moving forward.

 

You don't have to respond to any contact on her part. If that is the way you prefer to live - go for it. Nobody can choose what is best for you other than yourself.

 

I normally learn to forgive, just for the sake of being a better person. I can forgive ones mistakes - and never go back to them.

 

In the end, your choice. Hope things look up for you soon.

[ohno89]

Jonny - i haven't been on LS for quite a while now but i happen to check up on it today and came across your post.

 

A very similar thing happened to me almost exactly this time lst year, main difference being, the girl my ex cheated on me and got straight into a relationship with, wasn't me friend. Even still, as another human being, I still questioned why this girl knowingly got involved with someone in a relationship, knowing how much it must have hurt this person's girlfriend. Even though I didn't know this girl, I still felt a weird sense of like....cheat from her in a way almost? So i can only imagine how horrible it must be for you that this guy was supposedly a friend.

 

If you read any of my threads, they basically talk you through what happened with me with me, they're very long reads but if you can find any comfort in them, then at least you won't feel so alone.

 

I haven't posted here in months and a LOT has happened since between me and my ex. Basically, after cutting each other off immediately after the break-up, me and my ex saw each other for the first time at the start of my final year. He'd been with this girl for about 5-6 months over the summer but within a month of uni starting, he ended things with her. Our break-up was a lot more complicated than 'he cheated, replaced me, end of', but obviously at the time, this is how i saw it and it completely consumed me, i was a wreck in every sense of the word. but after speaking to him, he told me that he got straight into a relationship after us because he needed someone there for him because he couldn't handle losing me and that his relationship with this girl was completely flawed (he did try a *tiny* bit to get me back during the initial break-up but i said no and he has an incredible ego). after hearing this, i immediately felt better. i think i'd stopped missing him by that point and it was more what he did to me and in-turn, what that emotionally and mentally had done to me, that i was still moping around about. besides, how could you actually miss or want someone back that treated you like that? once i had confirmation from his that it WAS a rebound relationship and the fact that he mentioned "losing me" as opposed to "leaving me", i was in a much better place; it was all i needed to here from him and that was my closure.

 

since then (this was all several months ago), contact has been on/off with him, and we've been up/down; at times, i felt like i'd gone 5 steps ahead and 10 steps back, and so my advice to you, is that if you DID hear from her again, remain graceful, remain civil, show her what she's lost out on, get your closure and LEAVE. don't allow her to throw you any breadcrumbs, to spend more time with you than needed or that she derserves. I made this mistake; i feel like my ex came back to get what HE wanted and needed and to get HIS closure rather than give me mine, and now he's gone again. but hey, if they have it in them to do that to you in the first place, of course they're bound to be pretty ruthless people.

 

More importantly though, try not to hold out for hope. When my ex wanted to see me and when he told me he'd broken up with his g/f, i was completely shocked, i didn't expect it at all. and that's what you need to aim to do; be at the point where you don't expect to hear from her, don't even really WANT to hear from her, so much so, that when you do, it's all a bit of an anti-climax; you kind of think "hmm...why did i want to hear from you so badly, you're not even that great"

 

it's not going to be easy but the main things you have to remember here, is that you haven't done anything wrong. i find it inhumane that she doesn't feel any guilt over this and it probably will get to a point one day, where she takes a step back and looks at what has actually happened here and how much she's hurt you. it may take that relationship to fail (which i can guarantee it will) for her to realise this as right now, she will completely consume herself and throw herself into that, as a distraction from the underlying issues. it's a lot easier to feel happy and to think you're fine and moving on and to not have to deal with things (especially an emotion like guilt) when you have someone else there for you constantly as a supposed "replacement". You almost need to do what she's doing here, and distract yourself with your friends, your family, university and anything else you want to do.

 

Keep us updated and keep strong. I'm sorry that I've rambled but i hope you've found some comfort in there somewhere. You'll be okay.....x

[ohno89]

ps. on the karma note, ever since me and my ex split up, given that he was already in a very bad place, hence why our relationship got the backlash of that, he's admitted he's suffered from extreme lows and since alienting a lot of people who care about him, he's been suffering alone, mentally and emotionally. this didn't make me feel better at all.....but it did make me feel a little better to hear that he's now seeing a friend of his current ex. ha, what a great guy

[melenkurion]

No matter what could be said won't mean a thing after what I've been through, nothing can change it.

 

That's your answer, I'd say. There's nothing that she can say to you that means anything, that helps you in any way, so there is no point in having any contact.

[jonny78]

Thankyou all again for the replies,

 

Ohno, in all honesty, for a month or so afterwards she did send me lots of breadcrumbs, 'i love you' 'i miss you' etc... 'he's nothing compared to you' ... but she was seeing this guy every night...

 

My responses were always actions speak louder than words and eventually my responses got a little heated, which I guess gave her the closure that she wanted... I was in a situation where I simply could not win, and she used that against me to get her closure I guess.

 

That was when i found out about NC through these forums, and it has saved my life.

 

If i'm being completely honest with you I don't hold any hope, but what I do know is that term ends in 2 weeks and they live on the other side of the UK from eachother, so I don't think it will last - let alone the fact that he also cheated on his ex and left her for my ex - talk about a recipe for disaster!

 

The main reason why i've posted this is because I fear that when she has time alone to think (she has no friends at home and will be moving back there without a job etc) she will contact me. I have landed myself a very good graduate job, and I fear that she will try and get in contact with me and see if I'm still waiting for her (I get the feeling that she thinks she could have me whenever she wants)

 

... I actually hope she doesn't contact me, though if she did ignoring her would give me a sense of closure perhaps, that she did indeed miss me or whatever, I know that nothing can make me forget or change what happened, and I also know that her attempts would probably be more for herself than because of how she feels about me.

 

I am moving forward, it just helps to talk about it and get my feelings out in the open.. NOTHING helps more than knowing other people have been through this and the responses help more than you will ever know.

[Sugarkane]

Hi Jonny first thing I thought when I read this is thank got someone out there understands what I've been through! Seriously, I'm so glad you posted. I haven't found another person who's lost all of their friends aswell. I also wanted to ask the same question.

 

I can 100% relate to your story. My ex dumped me completely out of the blue and insulted me by text. In a extremely callous way. He refused to even have a conversation with me. Let alone meet up with me and be a mature adult.

He completely betrayed me and yet somehow made out that he was the victim. He poisoned everyone against me [i was close frineds with his friends] for no good reason. I was devasted and depressed. I saw him 2 weeks later and he was already with another girl. He sure didn't waste anytime moving on. He hasn't contacted me even once since we brokeup. Not only did I lose my ex, but I lost all my friends aswell. I never got a sorry and its highly unlikely I'll ever will. I'll never forgive him. He's got no idea at all. he's never been the dumper, let alone had someone betray him before.

I was severely depressed and needed friends, meanwhile he was already bonking someone else and still had all the friends even though he screwed me over.

 

My story:

www.loveshack.org/forums/261358

[Sugarkane]

I think its 100% right to be NC on these people forever. You know all they care about is number 1 and no one else. I hope one of them screws over the other one in time.

[jonny78]

hey I can totally relate to what you are saying too and I'm so sorry you had to to through this as well.

 

I suppose one thing that really annoys me is that they will have absolutely no idea of what we have been through because of them... When they've been having supposedly the best time of their lives.

 

I often think that if I were ever contacted I would want them to know, but I guess through NC it kind of says it all right?

 

It's just a horrible situation to be in, but I know it's made me a stronger person and one day I will find what I deserve, as for her I guess I'll never know, and I guess I don't even care.

[jonny78]

I was severely depressed and needed friends, meanwhile he was already bonking someone else and still had all the friends even though he screwed me over.

 

Couldn't have describe the situation any better, it's literally heartbreaking

[melenkurion]

I suppose one thing that really annoys me is that they will have absolutely no idea of what we have been through because of them... When they've been having supposedly the best time of their lives.

 

A few months ago, I said exactly this to one of my friends who has studied psychology (kinda). He claimed the reason I thought they were happy is that I was "projecting". There was something I wanted and I didn't have: happiness. I was projecting by assuming that they had what I didn't have. In truth, you have no idea if she is happy or not.

 

I often think that if I were ever contacted I would want them to know, but I guess through NC it kind of says it all right?

 

I admit, I wish I could get my ex and my "friend" to understand what I have gone through. In the early days, I typed out dozens of text messages and emails to them both, spelling out the depths of my pain. I didn't send a single one of them. In the end, there's no way I can get across my pain to someone who is totally deaf to what I am saying. He'd mishear, misunderstand, just plain block it out. Most people don't want to be the bad guy in the movie of their life story, so they just try and delete "stuff that makes me feel bad".

 

Even if you did somehow succeed in making them understand what they had done, what then? I don't think it would help you as much as you feel it would.

 

You sound a thoughtful, decent guy. You deserve a lot better than your ex and that friend. They aren't worth it.

[Sugarkane]

Yeah contacting them and telling then how much it hurt, probably wouldn't do much with these people. You're right, they don't want to be the "bad guy". Thats why my ex twisted everything around and made me out to be the "crazy one", what a hypocrite. What did they expect when you breakup in a such a callous way? At least try and end a relationship with an ounce of dignity, but no that would be too easy wouldn't it?

 

I try and work on indifference. Why can't you work through grief in a linear way? It would be so much easier! But the other week I was watching a movie. There happened to be a character in it who's just like my ex. He just leaves his wife out of the blue and files for divorce. He already has someone else and is happy of coarse, don't they always? And the ex wife is just like WTF just happened? Made me kind of angry again.

 

The only person I know who's been through this exact same situation, is a friend of my mothers. Her husband did the same too. Years later he remarried and had children to someone else. It makes me wonder why he didn't do the same to the next woman aswell? The happiness didn't last! They were having problems in their marriage. He turns up at her house, completely out of the blue mind you. And tells her all his marriage problems! Isn't that typical? Why do people do that? Go to the ex when they have problems in their current relationship?

If that was me I probably would've act as cold as possible. Would've said something like "Why do you think I'd care?". I doubt I would've let the guy in. She didn't have any children with him or anything to do with him.

[wish it was a dream]

She doesn't deserve anything from you! That is a heartless girl and truth is who would want to be with someone so cold blooded?

 

Your best bet is NC forever. Im doing the same thing, I never want to talk to him again, he makes me sick. Do what feels right for you!

[betterdeal]

There are hundreds if not thousands of people you have met that you do not contact any more and will in all likelihood never contact again. The last customer service person you spoke to on the phone - are you in contact with him or her? Will you be in a year? No. That's what no contact is.

 

This is just one more person you have met on your life journey. You had some extraordinary, unique times together and touched each other's hearts. You're extraordinary, uniquely you. Don't be sad that it's over - be happy it happened.

[Fufu]

I'm sticking to NC forever too

[Sugarkane]

Betterdeal that is fantastic advice, I'll remember that

[betterdeal]

You're welcome! I'm going to add it to my journal entry about NC

[guitarxkid]

My ex too is with the guy she cheated on me with. It sucks, a lot. It sounds like you're doing an awesome job being strong and staying NC so keep at it.

 

My ex sent me a lot of texts at the beginning of her new relationship saying things like "i miss you" and "i'll always love you" too and that stuff gave me the biggest false hopes ever. I wish I had just ignored those and made her feel stupid instead of replying getting my hopes up, which you probably feel the same.

 

Just stick with it man, keep us updated on how your feelings change... I just started NC 8 months after the breakup so its pretty hard, I would like to see how other people have progressed

[plasma]

Long story short, I was with a girl for 2 years at uni, at the start of the final year she cheated on me with 'my friend' (who is obviously no longer my friend) and left me for him.

 

A lot of nasty words were exchanged...

 

It basically ruined my life, I had to cut off all of my friends (because they were all mutual) and it seems they chose the company of those two over mine.

 

So I pretty much lost everything and she seems as happy as can be... I only looked at her facebook once since we split and it was not a wise decision, pictures of them together etc... seems she's had the time of her life this term whilst i've been forced to stay away pretty much on my own (because i couldn't handle seeing it, and my 'friends' refused to pick sides so would still hang out with them on nights out)

 

I'm pretty much over it now I guess, I leave this godforsaken place in two weeks after my final exam (I live away from the main area where they all live together) so it wasn't hard to maintain no contact and live out my year pretty much alone, I spent a lot of time at home too with my real friends.

 

I have her mobile and e-mails blocked now... In the 4 months that I've been strict NC i've only ever heard from her once and it was a pointless text saying 'have you just added me on Facebook?' (I don't even have facebook anymore, I had to delete my account because we had so many mutual friends that a block wouldn't work) ... I ignored that message and that's when I initiated all my blocks.

 

I was waiting on an aplogy for a while but I guess it's never going to come... She's never apologised once or shown any signs of guilt... I guess that is the hardest part.

 

I genuinly cannot believe how a person can be so horrible, especially a person who I genuinly loved and treated amazingly (I know you might disagree and wonder why she really did what she did) but I promise you, I didn't do a thing bad.

 

My question is to you all, if she ever did contact me, would it be wrong to ignore her forever??? and I genuinly mean I have no interest in talking to this girl ever again after what she put me through... even in years if she were to reach out, I know time is a healer etc, but I will never beable to forgive or forget this, ever.

 

If I were to receive a letter via post would I be wrong to burn it without even reading it? I don't think anything she could say to me would help me in the slightest anymore.

 

I feel like no contact forever is the best thing for me, and I feel like that could be my closure...

 

She probably won't ever contact me anyways I guess, she clearly doesn't think about me or care at all, and I read these forums still... But i'm not ashamed, I'm proud of who I am and that I have feelings, unlike her.

 

I really have come a long way since it all happened. It's just nice to talk to people every now and then.

 

Any replies will be greatly appreciated, just general thoughts from you about any of the above... It helps me a lot.

 

Thankyou for reading,

Jonny.

 

Not going to read the rest of your post, that was enough for me.

 

get a grip!

 

2-3 weeks of detox from this, let your world crumble ( if your employed then go to work) let everything fall bro!

 

after you wake up from this love coma then go from there.....

 

going from there dpesnt mean to 1-up your ex or your frind, its all you from here baby, new clothes, sneakers, shoes attitude, i advise you to crumble, im a man at 35 so i kno what i speak of...

 

unless you want to be stuck in this matrix for years take my advice!

 

do not try and 1-up either of them, just be the best you can

 

99% chance you will grovel and pine like we all do but i just gave you a start point.

 

take it or leave it

 

good luck !