Just don't care any more...

[NotKelly]

For the last ten years, I had a really high-pressure, demanding job where I almost never got to take uninterrupted vacations. To make a long story short, last year our department was restructured and my boss was given a position elsewhere. He was pretty much the one who drove me hard. I never felt the work I did was very important in the scheme of things, but I was forced to scramble to get it done without any help from anyone else. But, it was kind of boring because it was the same stuff year after year more or less.

 

So, about 6 months ago I sort of got cherry-picked from my department by a different department. They seemed excited to get me, and said they had a lot for me to do. But it's obvious that they don't really have anything for me to do, and don't consider me an important part of the team. I'm busy maybe one day out of the week and the rest of the time, I sit there doing nothing. I always make it clear that I'm willing to help with anything they need (and in my former position, I had to scramble to get stuff done whether I formally had the skills or not), but I feel like they ignore me most of the time. I'm not one of the cool kids, apparently. It's a really disappointing outcome to a change I thought was going to be an opportunity to learn new things.

 

It's gotten to the point where I just don't care about the job any more, or the company, or going back to school (so expen$ive and no guarantee of getting a job after you've shelled out for another degree), or really anything. I feel totally unmotivated. Not to mention feeling like I'm getting old and just don't care about the rat race any more. I suppose the fact that I'm not in debt and have a good deal of money saved up, makes me not care about trying to get people to notice me or my abilities (if I even have any - my former boss needed me for everything, but these new people don't seem to).

 

It's sort of like all the burnout that I delayed because I was being pushed so hard for the last decade, is coming to the fore now and I just don't give a **** about anything. Which did not used to be my work ethic.

 

I have enough money saved so that I could quit my job and not work for two years, but of course I would never do something that silly. But I really feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and I just don't give a crap about anything I used to care about. No one seems to want me any more, and I can't say I particularly want to be wanted by society, either. I can't think of a single thing I'd want to go back to college for (and at my age, it seems kind of pointless anyway). I used to like to do websites and learn new coding things (because I was often forced to teach myself because of my other boss expected so much from me), but I find I just don't have any interest in keeping up with the latest stuff any more.

 

I'm kind of too young to be feeling like this... like I've worked really hard for so long and now that no one's cracking the whip over me, I've just fallen apart and have no direction. I feel like I've been used up.

[bonny doon]

i empathise with a lot that u have written.

 

i too worked a very intense, very very intense job for many years about 7 years. then i fell ill and was super depressed with the job and life etc., and quit and traveled, went back to school. it seemed pointless at my age but it gave me new life. it was in a brand new field and i was long due for a change (the old job never really fit me anyway. it was a bad fit to begin with).

 

i really empathise with u feeling useless and pointless at the mo. hang in there.

[NotKelly]

Thanks for understanding!

 

I don't regret taking the new job because I was so burned out on the old one. You'd think that I wouldn't mind sitting around doing nothing, but it's hard when everyone else around you is busy and you feel disconnected from them, PLUS the mental burnout and not caring any more doesn't help either...

 

And no, I wouldn't go back to work for my old boss, because while he feigned concern over my never being able to take real vacations, he never stopped calling me when I was on vacation either. He never required anyone to be my backup. He wasn't a mean type boss, he was a needy type. Also, his boss walked all over him that way, so I guess he thought it was OK to do it to other people.

 

I need to get out of this company, but I have no real formal skills after my years there - all my time was spent scrambling to please and coming up with quick fixes and doing things in a self-taught way. None of that shows up on a resume. The only person who'd want me is... another needy slavedriver. At least I'm earning money here (doing nothing and feeling awkward and lonely, but still).

 

I guess I'll just have to wait to see what happens. Even if somebody put me in a busy situation now, I'm not sure I'd rise to the occasion any more.