Never Give Up, Never Surrender (& kudos to Tony)

[HokeyReligions]

As many of you know, my husband and I are in the midst of a divorce. My idea. You may also know that we haven't had sex in something like 14 years. Partly due to physical disabilities in the later years, but prior to that it stopeed because he didn't want to. Well, the last few weeks he has been seeing a new counselor who has been helping him.

 

We also had a scare last week and my husband was in the hospital for a couple of days. He may have to have surgery on his sinus. He had an MRI, CAT, and all manner of very expensive tests and drugs. He is now facing prostrate problems and some major dentistry. He is diabetic and his blood sugar has been out of control for months now.

 

I said all of that to say this. With the right counselor and a real commitment, anything is possible in a relationship. My husband is now - in spite of all the physical problems - working toward the two of us having a satisfying sex life. He has always hated sex and was never able to distinguish between sex as a controling, violent act and love with some someone that he doesn't want to hurt or dominate. He was raised being told that women are worthless and exist only for men's physical pleasure and that women should be 'made' to do what men want and that sex is a weapon. He was TOLD this stuff by his abusive father! He's had a very difficult time trying to separate and understand this himself and his new counselor is helping him with this. Because of being told this stuff he finally admitted that he has never had a really satisfying sexual experience. He was always left feeling unfulfilled somehow and thinking that sex was no big deal and there should be something more. And this was confusing to him--it would be to anyone.

 

Well, , thanks to me - he had his FIRST truly fulfilling sexual experience this weekend. (just following doctors orders-he was the receipient) and because of this I felt more connected to him then I ever have before. Because of his physical health we have to be careful. We can't have regular sex and I don' t know if we ever will be able to have intercourse, but there are so many other things we CAN do for each other. He is planning something just for me for Wednesday night -- it will be his first experience in truly GIVING to me. I admit, I am a bit nervous about it. If we can get past this hurdle and be more connected to each other, more passionate and comfortable with physical contact and love-making and actually be closer to each other, then we may halt the divorce for good. He is really working on it and so am I. Sex is still a 'chore' for us and we need to get past that, but we have new hope with this new counselor. Now we have to get him well physically.

 

After all these years, and all this pain we have endured, we are STILL trying and not giving up. Finding the right counselor is important and may take some time. A commitment from both parties is key.

 

I do want to acknowledge someone on this board. Tony created a post a while back about not understanding why so many couples who have lost children split up when it seems they should stay together. We had dealt with that in our grief counseling, and I posted a reply here. But I kept thinking about what Tony said, and about what some others said. In the context of dealing with people outside of that situation and reading their views - I felt a little different about everything. When dealing with that in counseling we were with others who have been through the same thing and seeing a counselor who deals with grieving parents almost exclusively - different context. Tony's post made me step back and re-think everything and gave me the boost I needed to NOT surrender right now! Thank you Tony, and everyone!

[moimeme]

This is such great news, Hokey! Congratulations and to you both!

[Tony T]

Hey, I feel better now than I did yesterday after eating a massive chcolate and marshmallow Easter egg drenched in chocoate syrup served with vanilla ice cream and covered with jelly beans. I do hope things work out.

 

It's odd how sometimes our reactions are simply knee jerk until we back away from the situation. This forum does help people!!!

[Bronzepen]

Hokey, your an inspiration.

 

Congratulations!

[Arabess]

Whether you stay or go.....I just want you to feel happy and totally supported!!!

[UCFKevin]

Corey Hart must be pleased.

[moimeme]

It's Tim Allen in Galaxy Quest! And a fine motto it is

[Thinkalot]

That's great news Hokey

[meanon]

Isn't it amazing that after all this time, change is still possible? Hokey you have my admiration and best wishes. I know the world doesn't work like this but if anyone deserves happiness, you do.

[HokeyReligions]

Thank you everyone. I only posted because I hope that my story may demonstrate that there is always hope for a relationship--even after many years and many disappointments. IF BOTH PARTIES ARE COMMITTED TO TRYING. If my husband had not wanted to try, or if I had decided that I did not want to try any more then we would have called it quits---but we are both stubborn and not willing to let go of a job until its completed. We both still feel that our relationship is not quite done and worth some more effort and renovation.

 

I also want to point out that its taken many years and many counselors to find one that is really helpful for us. Finding a counselor is like finding a church -- you have to go to different ones and stay for a little while to get to know them and then decide if they are for you. Don't give up on finding the right counselor. Also, as your needs change you may outgrow a counselor and need to move on and find someone new.

 

It has not been easy for me to talk about such personal things, but I do it in the hope that others may find some value in my experiences. I certainly have found support and challenges and hope from people at LS -- which is why I stay around!

[Curt]

Thanks for sharing your story with the board. It's really important for everyone to hear, once again, what true love is all about.

 

Real love involves a great deal of work and committment by both partners. It is often the times of struggle together that help cement a relationship between two loving partners.

 

I think you could agree that, by working together on your marital issues, you have grown closer than you could have previously thought possible. I sense in your words that the love in your hearts for each other is growing day after day.

 

Both you and your husband help illustrate just what true love can achieve.

 

I sincerely hope that things keep going in the right direction for you both, and that you continue to see each other with renewed love and desire.

 

Thanks again for sharing an extremely positve update. Don't give up. We're cheering for you both!

 

Curt

[quankanne]

what wonderful news, Hokey! I wish you and your DH the best in resolving issues that need to be resolved, and an extra boost of encouragement thrown in. This has got to be the most romantic bit of information I've read all morning

[Moose]

I've always said that marriage isn't a 50/50 partnership......it's 110/110 to be successfull......congrats!!!

[HokeyReligions]

Just an update.

 

We are progressing in our "quest for romance" and after so many years of no touching I am actually able to sit next to him and relax. I can hold his hand in public now and we can kiss and touch and I don't flinch away. That's about as far as either of us is really comfortable with right now - although we are stretching our "sensual buttons" as much as possible in an effort to reconnect as a couple. He is more comfortable receiving and I've relearned some techniques for giving (thus his great experience a couple weeks ago) I'm still working on being comfortable receiving. THAT is going to take a while simply because of all the years he rejected me and all the long nights I spent crying in the bathroom.

 

The biggest break though (and this may sound stupid to those of you who don't understand the difference between physical love and deep emotional love) is that we can sleep in the same bed again and not hover at the edges, neither do we ignore each other if we brush against the other now. Touching used to mean that one of us was just invading the others space and needed to move. Now that we are talking about sex more the brushing against each other is different. I can't explain it any better then that. Its the difference between hugging a same-sex friend and hugging an opposite-sex friend. If a girl hugs her girlfriend shes not aware of what part of her body is touching her friends body. Hugging a guy is a little different because we are aware of different things, without realizing we are aware of them.

 

It is still difficult to talk about, but I HOPE that maybe somewhere one of you with problems in your relationships may find some encouragement in what is happening in my life.

 

On a lighter note: I had posted about the selling of Vibrators being illegal in Texas http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t37278/

The Dildo Diaries....

 

Well, our DOCTOR gave us a 'prescription' for a couple of them and where to order them for medicinal purposes! And instructions on how to use them for relaxation and intimacy and NOT for genital stimulation! LOLOLOL!

[moimeme]

Wow, Hokey! I can't imagine living with someone I loved and not touching him I'd surely explode from the effort of trying to not do it. I'm not the grabby-gropy-always-attached sort but gosh! Just sitting close beside someone and touching is so nice...